Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

Controlling what you wear isn’t laid back OP - it’s controlling.

And controlling behaviour is always a slippery slope.

I agree major red flag. My mums ex husband (my step dad) started with comments like this. ‘Please cover up… it’s only that I love you so much I don’t want other men taking advantage’ etc etc. She’d had bad luck with men and misinterpreted this as somebody genuinely caring about her. Naturally he turned out to be a manipulative psychopath.

On the other hand, I have inherited my mothers um…generous… bosom, and my DP has never ONCE ever implied I should cover up in any way and in fact encourages me and makes me
feel great about myself as I am quite shy and hate the fact they draw attention.

Please don’t fall for this.

OP, this type of behaviour can be due to ingrained ideas that your partner can take steps to quash – if he is willing to put the work in to himself to enlighten himself.

Talk to him about it seriously.

Always tell a man ‘No’ early on in a relationship.
His reaction will tell you more about him.

I read your updates. Good luck for Saturday. He is being very controlling. Expect him to try and spin this as ‘concern for your safety because he loves you so much’. Not I’m a jealous controlling boyfriend.

My friend is married to a controlling man. Believe me, her life is not good.

Since posting it's like someone has flicked a switch in my head, it's not ok at all. I was doubting myself, isn't that mad!

Not mad at all - making the other person doubt themself is a key part of controlling behaviour.

It’s often called gaslighting

gbvlearningnetwork.ca/our-work/backgrounders/gaslighting_in_intimate_relationships/index.html#:~:text=.-,Gaslighting%20in%20Intimate%20Relationships%3A%20A%20Form%20of%20Coercive%20Control%20That,Need%20to%20Know%20More%20About&text=Gaslighting%20is%20abusive%20behaviour%20used,harms%20those%20who%20experience%20it.

Ignore @Didimum

Controlling men will never be cured, they will just mask until your are weak (pregnant)

I've only read your posts and not the full thread. I've previously been in an abusive marriage that included coercive control but it sounds like that has been well covered by PP. I just wanted to caution that this could be innocent, yes he's totally in the wrong you should wear what you like and he isn't allowed to dictate your wardrobe but from what else you've said about him I think there's a good chance that this is him expressing himself (very) poorly and would be genuinely horrified when you point out this is in fact coercive control and can be how it starts. Absolutely wear what you want this weekend but have a rational adult conversation with him, don't do the mumsnet favourite of jumping to LTB 😂 ask him why he feels this way and point out that he's absolutely expressed himself in the wrong way and then depending on his reaction and what you already know of his character will help you decide if this is the start of a bad road leading to abuse or just a dumbarse bloke who needs to learn how to communicate much better. He is wrong that's not up for debate it's a fact, his reasoning and intentions are still up for debate though

You are a full grown adult and capable of choosing suitable clothing for yourself. It's different if you pop a dress on and ask DP for an opinion, but for them to tell you your outfit is not suitable and expect you to change, well no, just no. What else would you change because they don't approve? Where does it end.

You already know what his reaction will be because he's already shown you. It's/He's not going to change.

Hi OP you’ve had great advice and I’m glad you’re going out, boobs and all!

I met a lovely man, so laid back, my absolute best friend. It started with making a comment on my cleavage, he’s just jealous because he loves me so much. It ended 12 years later with me heavily pregnant in hospital, my baby not moving after he punched me in the stomach.

Make you sure you look after yourself @Hurryupchristmas

No. My DH is very laid back. If I have a low cut top on (rare, but that's because I like my tshirt/hoody combo more than anything else) all he says is "wow, boobs! 😋 Have a nice time".

He doesn't care if other men look at me. Because he trusts me. That's the issue here. Your boyfriend doesn't trust that if another man is attracted to you, you won't act on that.

So he tries to control your behaviour by asking you to wear different clothes that he thinks will conceal your attractive aspects. Because if they can't see them, men won't hit on you and you won't cheat on him.

He doesn't trust you. This relationship is doomed one way or another.

Bloody hell. I've been in my relationship (with DH) for 35 years. Never, not ever, not once has he vetted what I wear or told me not to wear something. The only comment I've ever had is "that looks nice!"

Your boyfriends behaviour is controlling and not normal. And it will escalate.

Good! Have a great night!

And let us know how he reacted. We're all behind you!

That sounds very sensible. Never let someone else dictate what you wear. It is just the start of it as others have said and what becomes him telling you what to wear will become him telling you if you can see certain friends, go out at all and so on. Put your foot down now and tell him that no it’s not ok to tell a partner what they can and cannot wear and you won’t be controlled by him. It’s his problem not yours

Glad you're taking control, OP, well done.

He's an abusive controlling prick, see the bloody signs staring you in the face and run.

Are you saying people can’t enlighten themselves from archaic ideas? OP says multiple times that she detects no other red flags.

Just be careful Op.

He might be "Ok" with it this time.

Be on the look out!

Actually, her updates suggest she's now seeing more potential flags, she's done some research and decided she's going to do what she wants and let his reaction dictate.

And in some cases, one red flag should be enough.

Is it really worth the effort? There are plenty of sensible people out there who do not require such hard work.

@Didimum

Are you saying people can’t enlighten themselves from archaic ideas? OP says multiple times that she detects no other red flags.

She also thought that a man requesting to check her outfit over and approve it before she goes out wasn't controlling. She confidently stated that she 'can't imagine him ever controlling me' despite him requesting that.

Her sense of what is and isn't a red flag isn't healthy and it's really good she posted here for help.

Be careful. He's nice to you now when you're doing what he wants but he won't when he knows he'll have to up the control. Just saying you'll wear what you want and you're feisty is unlikely to work long term. He'll wear you down without you realising. You need to dump him now

Repeat what others have said🚩🚩🚩🚩

@Didimum
she doesn't detect other red flags because she's 9 months in. Basking in his initial love, desperate for the happy ever after. (that's understandable)

She also didn't think him needing to check and agree her clothing before going out was a problem...............

That is a problem!!!

You clearly don't understand abusive men, if she talks to him, he will mask and cover it up. Until he doesn't, probably when she married/ mortgaged/pregnant.