Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

That's rather controlling behaviour from your partner OP and hopefully it doesn't become worse for you 🤔

My ex was a 'lovely man' initially. He showered me with gifts, flowers, etc. He was funny and loving.
Then he started to make comments about what I was wearing. But it wasn't me, oh no. it was other men he didn't trust and he just loved me so much he hated to think men were leering at me.
Then he started to cause arguments before or after visiting friends, then family. I started to dread telling him I was going to visit friends or on a night out as he would cause an argument and spoil it.
If I didn't tell him I was going out then " I was trying to hide something"

So I started to turn down nights out because it was just too much hassle,

Fortunately one night he got drunk and raised his fist to me, and that was the turning point. He didn't follow through because I told him if he hit me then he should never fall asleep in the house ever again. But that was the turning point for me
That was the point I left.

The thing is, coercive control very rarely starts as violence, it starts with manipulating your behaviour through words (sulks and silent treatments also), it's almost like aversion therapy.
You don't recognise it initially because it's you choosing not to wear that low-cut top. After all, it will upset him, or not going out with the girls because he will get upset, etc. So it feels like you are making the choice and it's hard to recognise as abuse initially.

But the women on here warning you, most of them are doing so because they experienced it themselves and ignored the early warning signs and just want you to be aware and save yourself from looking round in 4 years when your life is small and limited by what he wants and saying "Oh shit why have I wasted my life on this loser"

Just another voice saying that he is abusive and controlling and this is him dipping his toe in. It will get worse.

Tell him straight that you are going to wear what you like.
If he is out with you, you may find he's highly likely to be watching other men to see if their gaze goes to your cleavage. If it does, he will make it your fault for wearing what you are - it's not your fault or responsibility to police other men's behaviour, that is down to them.
If you are out without him, you may find that he asks very detailed questions about how the night went and want you to stay in regular contact throughout the night. Neither of these signs are good.

What you will find as time goes on is that it won't matter what you are wearing, if another man appears to him to find you attractive, you won't get the healthy response of him being proud to be with you, he will make it your fault for being attractive to others. This is ludicrous, wrong and leads to you ending up wearing frumpy stuff that you know doesn't make you look good, as well as moderating your behaviour for fear that he might cause an argument and blame you. Then the self-esteem lowers. It's a slippery slope.

This!

Op, have you tried this?

And you've had great advice on this thread.

I'll be interested to read your update after you tell him you'll wear what you like, OP.

This!!!

You've said @Hurryupchristmas he can be jealous/paranoid in some situations (plural) and your clothing is (just) one such situation. In a new relationship, where neither of you has did anything that could create acrimony/mistrust, there should be none such behaviour. Its worrying that hes prone to jealousy and paranoia, and its downright alarming that he's now telling you what to wear

It’s not hard work when your partner is the one listening to you and doing the work.

Sadly this is text book in terms of starting to display controlling behaviour. It typically doesn’t get shown until they feel confident enough that they can display controlling behaviour and not automatically lose you so it’s not surprising it’s being shown now, when you’ve been together a while. It’s also text book to justify it by saying it’s about other men etc. You might find this wheel helpful for thinking about other behaviours that are abusive.

What are the other situations he's jealous/paranoid in?

Well done OP- good luck for Saturday

What an odd comparison to his crotch...

who on earth does he imagine wants to look at his crotch and how strange if they do.

What would he say if you told him he can’t tell you what to wear, and that you’ll dress as you please ? My DH is very protective but wouldn’t dream of telling me how to dress. Please, please wake up, this is only the beginning.

"I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔 "

This is absolute nonsense. Your boobs are at eye level on top of your chest, there's nothing you can do about them and they're right there at eye level. Add on to that that men are obsessed with them in a way that women aren't with men's crotches.

So it's not your issue that other people can see the size of your boobs. Of course they can! That's like saying they can see your height. Of course they can. No matter what you wear you can't actually appear to be shorter than you are as your head will be taking up the physical space that clothing can't change.

Men's crotches are below the belt, nowhere near eye level and nowhere near the size or shape that boobs are that make them prominent and unhidable.

Tell him his nose is on display all the time and he needs to cover it up so tii look u don't get jealous. Twat.

Nowhere in her posts has she said she sees other red flags. Let the OP speak for herself, I will certainly listen if she does.

We will have to agree to disagree on levels of red flag.

Wear what you want and ditch him. I used to work for a DV charity and this is coercive control.

YADNBU

This is absolutely coercive control and he is utterly unreasonable.

Wear whatever the hell you like my lovely and if he tries to stop you then he doesn't really love you. He just love the control of you.

.. "I was doubting myself, isn't that mad!"

Nope, it's what they aim for. Once you start doubting yourself, they double down, your self esteem goes down the pan and they've got you where they want you. And then it really starts.

He is controlling you now and being abusive. So you don’t need to imagine it.

Thanks for sharing this is a useful image

When I read this post I thought 'hmmm, not great' but now I've read people's stories about escalating controlling behaviour I now think 😱Good luck OP.

Fingers crossed for you that he gets a grip and isn't a jealous controlling arse really.

You’ve only been together 9 months.. assume no kids you don’t live together aren’t married etc…

Throw this little boy back and find a man.