Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

You absolutely and without exception need to
completely ignore him and do what you want, his reaction will also show you that you need to get rid of him, he doesn’t own you and has no right to tell you what to do with your own body.

Yeah it's a joke, I don't even drink.

Please get out. I lived in an abusive relationship and this is how it starts. Everything everyone else has said is absolutely true. I was isolated from my family for so long. It was only when he hit me one night, not the first time, that I suddenly had the blinkers removed from my eyes. I left the next morning.

The only invitation he'd get if he did that would be to pop on a pair of handcuffs.

I'm so glad this thread has opened your eyes, OP. I think this is Mumsnet at its best - women helping and supporting other women.

Because this isn't our first rodeo and we don't want others to go through what we have been through. The best use of ur experiences is to pay it forward.

he is wonderful and treats me so well

No, he's not and no, he doesn't.

Abusers don't begin relationships by saying, "Hey! I'll start off by being The Perfect Boyfriend, but gradually, I guess i'll start to undermine you, tell you what to wear, gaslight you, break your sense of self belief and almost imperceptibly emotionally isolate you from your friends and family, in order to make you 'need' me more."

They begin like this. Being 'wonderful' but with a few little quirks like telling you what to wear. Maybe who to be friends with. Asking that you text them all night so they don't worry about you being out.

You are an adult. No one gets to tell you what to wear, how to act or any of that shit.

Leave now.

In my experience, this is just the start, next he will say he doesn't want you to go out, or not wear make up. It's drip drip, he will start small to see what he can get away with and when you fall in line he will move on to something else he wants you to change.

Tbh I do get where he's coming from
It's like if a man went out topless and had women constantly staring and making comments
To really see if he's controlling or abusive
You should see his reaction when you show your cleavage despite him telling you to cover up, if he's a bit annoyed but accepts it
Then obviously he's not abusive
However, if his reaction is to have a go at you or worse than that will tell you ini

This is how it starts, just got out of a relationship where I wasn’t allowed to see certain friends as they were a bad influence on me (they weren’t & have been very supportive since my split) the relationship was wonderful at first & just thought he was being nice & kind (it turned mentally & physically abusive) as it went on he didn’t like certain clothes I was wearing like shorts in summer or a vest top, this is controlling behaviour. He still sends me abusive voicemails even though he is blocked telling me no man will ever want me, I’m a slut & men must be desperate to be with me.

Completely disagree.

He is abusive. He's not happy or caring to you. He's testing the waters now, seeing how far he can control you by telling you how to dress. Next, he will start telling you how to wear your hair or to wear less makeup - things that generally make YOU feel good about yourself, nice hair & a made up face. Then he will start telling you who you can & can't hang out with.

He is a walking giant red flag. Run now before its too late.

It’s absolutely nothing like a man going out without a top on.

Please don't get trapped by this man. I have a friend, 76 who is still traumatised by her husband's actions and a son who has grown to copy him. You don't want to go down this route I promise you. You can be loved for yourself properly by a man who loves every aspect of you. Save yourself.

Sorry, but this sounds awful to me. He is literally policing your outfits by choosing and buying them for you. He is choosing clothes that he hopes will get you sexual attention from other men.

A different, yet similar, kind of red flag for me, I'm afraid.

He likes big tits. He likes your big tits. But thinks they belong to him now.

Just speculating.

As I said to someone else I said would not does. He doesn't do this, he would if I was to let him choose my outfits.

Honestly he is at the mo and will be but this is thr 1st sign people that aren't controlling don't tell partners what they can and can't wear. Either u go his way and there will always be something else he wants to control like no makeup not seeing friends etc he's insecure and it won't change . This is the 1st sign of co ercive control he will if gers away with this try again with something else. Been there done that still here to tell the tale but wish I'd followed the signs sooner

Clearly he isn't "always happy". Try telling him that he is not entitled to control what you choose to wear and see how happy he is then.

@sunshinestar1986

It's like if a man went out topless and had women constantly staring and making comments

It's absolutely nothing like that. What a ridiculous comparison. It's not a social norm for men to go out topless so it would be a strange thing for someone to do. OP wants to wear clothes she is comfortable in that don't entirely cover her cleavage. A complete social norm that anyone with a healthy outlook would take no issue with. She's not going out in nipple tassels holding a riding crop.

To really see if he's controlling or abusive You should see his reaction when you show your cleavage despite him telling you to cover up, if he's a bit annoyed but accepts it Then obviously he's not abusive

So if he's still annoyed she won't give him the final say on her clothing, but 'accepts' she has the right to have the final say herself, he's 'obviously' not abusive?

However, if his reaction is to have a go at you or worse than that will tell you ini

Shouldn't a woman's bar be a little bit higher than hoping someone won't kick off once you make it clear to them that their request to have the final say on your outfits isn't something you'll be saying yes to?

I never know what's more depressing, other men excusing behaviour like that of OP's boyfriend or other women doing it.

But he's already controlling you. Telling you what you can't wear is control. Don't you see that?

Get out now! I was with a guy nearly 30 years ago and he did this exact same thing! The ladies here are all correct, PLEASE take their advice because I didn't take good advice when offered and wasted 5 years of my life with a total prick.

They're also correct on the fact that it does ramp up! Constant calls while I was out with friends so he could listen to any background noises to see if there were any male voices!! Bearing in mind that we were in a pub, of course there bloody was!

10-20 calls per evening out, etc etc.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T MAKE THE TERRIBLE MISTAKE I DID, I BEG OF YOU! GET OUT NOW AND CUT ALL CONTACT SO HE CAN'T MANIPULATE YOU INTO RETURNING!!

OMG that's awful. I hope she is OK now!

Right…

It will also be telling if he continously texts you on the night out. Its another classic abusive move to do when they are feeling insecure