Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

And they too would be the ones in the wrong. Women can wear what they like, men are nor automatically being invited in.

Controlling, coercive, LTC and stop making excuses. A normal man does not do this.

Women are not responsible for men's thoughts

And given women in burkas are raped all his "concern" does is turn this into a women's behaviour problem rather than a men's behaviour problem, it doesn't actually fix anything

Plenty of men with big muscles wearing tight t shirts

No one is out there asking them why they want to associate looking nice with emphasising the size of their biceps

I’m sorry I’m shocked you don’t see how disgusting & controlling it is that you have to show him what you’re wearing before you go out so he can tell you if you are “allowed “ to wear it or not. You say you “can’t” wear tops that show slight cleavage. That’s disgusting behaviour. Only YOU get to decide what you wear on your body how is that not clear to you??? That is textbook controlling behaviour. It will only get worse trust me but even at this level it’s absolutely NOT OK. He DOES NOT have the right to control what you wear.

edit to say Iv RTFT and am glad you’ve realised what is going on here. Wear what you want it’s noones choice but yours. Men like this always ramp up the controlling behaviours little by little
until they are controlling your whole life. Of course that can’t do this straight away as youd run a mile so they do it gradually the more invested you are in the relationship. This man is a walking red flag OP X

Oh won’t someone think of the poor ickle menz who can’t control their lustful thoughts. And he’s just being a caring partner telling her what she can and can’t wear - bless his non controlling cotton socks.

I mean anyone would think it’s women’s fault men can’t control themselves.

The length of relationship is not material, other than as a fortuitous early warning. I'm late fifties and have been with my wife nigh on 30 years and at no point in our relationship would I ever have considered trying to tell her how to dress. My father, who was born before WWII, was of the same mentality. It's not an age thing, an era thing or a length of relationship thing. It's a desire and sense of entitlement to control thing.

I promise you he is. You just can't see it yet.

It will progress to telling you what you CAN wear.
Then who you can see. Where you can go.

He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

Oh my god cut your losses and run for the hills. Seriously. This is how it starts.

He already is...

This is a huge red flag for controlling behaviour, and trust me (and others) when we say it won't get better, it will get worse!

Ditch him now, fuck that shit.

Please don't give him the opportunity for this to get worse. I wonder if you told us more about your relationship what else would stand out.

Hmm, but what's your idea of amazing though? Controlling men do often go all out to hide their Controlling tendencies.

He isn't "abusive".

Yet.

This is the start. No cleavage on show. Then no short/ tight skirts. No make-up. Only going out with him and not on your own.

It WILL get worse.

Maybe she is neither emphasising them, nor de-emphasising them.

Maybe they’re just there - what with her being an adult, human female, and all.

Glad your eyes are open now op and his response this weekend wont be the only thing you need to look for. He might grumble then seemingly easily back down the slowly he will start on something else, with the aim that it's not worth the hassle going out etc. You're only 9 months in and it's a slow reel in with love bombing and slowly changing your way of thinking to making you think things are your own idea. This may not be the case but just keep your eyes opened

I didn’t say it was an age thing. I said some people have archaic ideas. And yes it can absolutely depend on how long you’ve been together. If you have experienced years of shared life with someone and they have one negative behaviour, that they are willing to put work into changing, and no others of consequence, then that makes a big difference.

You personally not displaying that behaviour to your wife is irrelevant to my point.

Let him go out and show his ‘crotch area’.

I highly doubt ANY woman will see this an as ‘invitation’ 🤣🤣🤣

You say he's great and caring but he's also literally dictating what you wear on your body. How would he feel if you told him he wasn't to wear certain smart tops in public, or that he had to grow a beard so other women won't find him attractive? (I have nothing against beards but you get what I mean!) Anyone who trusts, values and respects you won't ask this of you. How would he react if you said no?

I speak from experience OP, it started with controlling what I wore, then escalated to who I hung out with, where I went. Your bf is behaving in a controlling manner. I suspect part of you recognises that this isn't healthy or ok deep down to have started this thread. Honestly, it's a whopping red flag.

Wrong.

If he trusts you then why would he be uncomfortable? He is not controlling by YOUR standards, that doesn't mean he isn't though.

Hang on a minute... now you're sounding like her bloke!?

Personally I find way too skimpy clothes or tight clothes or bulging clothes or cleavage on show hard to look at but then I'm not going out with the OP LOL and she is entitled to dress how she likes

He is controlling. It will get worse. Is he of a different culture to you?

My husband has gained a lot of weight post surgery and his trousers I felt were too tight and you could see his crotch area quite visibly (light coloured trousers) he didn’t see the issue. I said he could not leave the house wearing them.
does that make me controlling?
genuine question!

im starting to think maybe i am from the responses to OP

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out

Just read that line back to yourself. What would you tell a future DD if she told you her partner demanded to see what she wore before she went out. Then take that advice yourself.

Bin him.

Exactly. I used to work with a guy who, whenever we went out as a group socialising, was forever commenting on women in the pubs or clubs we were in - woman in a short skirt "look at her, she's obviously up for it". Woman with a bit of cleavage on show "wouldn't take more than a couple of vodkas to get her in the sack". It was tedious. I eventually called him out on it. Something along the lines of "maybe she chose to wear that dress/top just because she likes it. Maybe she did wear it to make herself more attractive. One thing we can be certain of though is that, if i was the latter, it sure as fuck wasn't you she had in mind".