Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

Just read your updates OP, well done for recognising how unreasonable his expectations are. If his reaction isn't respectful of your right to wear what you want then you're better off well rid. I have large boobs and DH wouldn't dare to tell me how to dress them. 😂

not being the voice of doom but seriously i think you are so lucky that you can get the fuck out of this relationship right now and never see him again and you've not committed (marriage. kids. dog. etc)

i wish i'd written about a situation i was in when i was in it. mumsnet would have seen it for what it was going to be and it would have saved me and my kids. those red flags are so subtle and it's scary tbh.

This in spades. If he trusts you, you could go out in a sheer catsuit and he wouldn't be uncomfortable about it.

I sometimes ask my DH if a top is too "booby" for certain situations. If he told me off his own back that my outfit made him uncomfortable or that I should cover up (and not for something like a funeral or a 3 year old party etc) then he could swivel.

For now: wait till you defy him!

OP so many posts saying the same thing. It's controlling and a red flag. I was in a relationship which started like this. Within a year I was in a very dark place and hadn't realised how I had got there. Boiling frog and all that. Other people had to spell it out to me and I had a wake up call. I look back and am just shocked that that happened to me. I thought I was strong and independent but I wasn't. I was very naive.

So glad Mumsnet came to the rescue - an example for when social media has truly helped someone work through something ❤️

You've spotted this HUGE red flag 🚩 now it's time to run don't wait for any more you will be damaged in the end like many of us. He's not lovely at all

Your point is nonsensical.

Humans are socialised from a young age to equate provocative dressing with promiscuity – it’s a deeply ingrained moral standard that, weather right or wrong, can take some time to unpick and free yourself from. Men judge women for it, other women judge women for it, parents judge their children for it.

When there are no other red flags and someone is willing to do the work in unpicking this mentality, then it’s not as simple as = coercive and abusive control.

It does matter here, however, that OP has only been with her partner for 9 months. It’s not long enough to really judge his character.

I think we all do that to some extent - with our loved ones.

Like oh mum can you not wear that knitted hat with the knitted daisies on it... or oh bloody L sis not standing next to you if you're coming out with those fluorescent trainers on.

At the same time, I've had experience of a controlling and abusive ex who it started off with literally picking little bits of invisible fluff or a hair off my coat, to hmmm can you not wear this or that, to oh how about I take you shopping and pick out some clothes for you and it just escalated. I wouldn't mind but they wore stuff I wasn't overly keen on and I never said anything.

It would be helpful if you explained why.

Second this book recommendation 100%

I thought the relationship I was in was amazing too. I thought I was loved and understood and respected. Turned out I had ENTIRELY the wrong end of the stick and for that year to 18months of “this is the best thing that ever happened to me” I’ve had to endure over 6 years of abuse and mental ill health.

He is showing you who he is, and it won’t stop there. Just believe him and move on.

A lovely man would be proud of you, he would trust you and he would look at you in any outfit and think wow she looks amazing!

This is not what I am hearing here! Please don’t tolerate this abusive nonsense he is being a twat!!

It starts with a small comment. For me it was, “you look good in that”, then it was “you would look better in that”. Then “only thinner woman can wear jeans”, moving to “you look better now you’ve lost weight” etc etc until it gets to the point where you don’t realise the controlling behaviour. Just be careful

Nope. He IS abusive and coercively controlling you.

run; he’s a walking red flag

You said he's jealous and paranoid. That's not laid back.

Exactly this.

And as much as I was conscious of it and tried to rebut it, it started to make me feel really self conscious and as if I was being constantly scrutinised for imperfections and criticism.

When people do this I think it's important to turn the focus back on to them. Hang on what's going on here why are you critiquing my outfit, should I critique your's now?

I told my ex why don't a buy you a blow up doll you can dress her how you'd like and we'll have done.

No, it wouldn't be and you know that fine well, because you are convinced you are right. You don't want me to explain why and you wouldn't listen if I tried to. You are simply employing what you think is a clever debating technique that is actually very childish.

@ovulationleavesmetired

I'm surprised there isn't a more balanced view in the comments I've read so far?

I'm surprised you're surprised the vast majority of posters (thankfully) see an adult male telling his adult female partner that he wants to check her outfits to confirm his approval / disapproval before she goes out.

What is it about that that you think is in any way acceptable?

Maybe not intentionally abusive.

but he clearly has ideas and notions that amount to controlling behaviour. And these things tend to spiral / get worse.

this is a personal boundary you need to protect. Make it clear that you will wear whatever you want and that his opinion doesn’t matter.

if he can’t respect this boundary, you’ll absolutely need to leave.

That was meant to say:

I'm surprised you're surprised the vast majority of posters (thankfully) see an adult male telling his adult female partner that he wants to check her outfits to confirm his approval / disapproval before she goes out as unacceptable.

I didn’t see this update. I am so glad you’ve discovered your anger!!

yes, his reaction should be the deciding factor. All the best to you! You can do this!! 💪💪

Well done OP. I so wish I had MN 15 years ago. My DH was exactly the same. Would tell me to cover up, say things like "those should be for me only", point to other girls (with smaller chests!) and say "why can't you dress like her". Now I'm older, no longer so sexually desirable and (in large part thanks to him) have no opportunities to go out, he moans that I don't take care of my appearance. Trust me, you do not want my life in 15 year's time.

If I am saying it would be helpful, then I mean it would be helpful – please do not put words in my mouth or tell me what I mean. I am the only one who knows what I mean in this instance. I can only assume you simply don’t want to, which is fine, or that you’re inexperienced or jaded to what a debate entails. But you do not know anything about me from reading 15 lines of a reply from me on a website.

I am glad that his reaction is going to be a decider.

I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest
What are those concerns though?? A man looks at your chest and then what?

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison

Does he think women that show their boobs are exhibitionists or what does he mean by this?

I'd want to know exactly what he was saying/implying/worrying about.

A common thing that some men say is "I know what men are like"...that's fairly telling that they're a creep themselves then!