January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826?amp%3Bascsubtag=mnforum-

@Twatalert when we were very low contact with my parents we put presents straight into a bag for charity shop and didn't say anything to them. Unless it was cheap nasty tat that a charity shop wouldn't want! Then it went straight in the bin.
@AttilaTheMeerkat I really feel for your aunt. She's being treated awfully by dumb and dumber. Glad she has you to watch out for her.
@MonkeyfromManchester sitting waiting with you and wondering if she will make it through the op. SS is her puppet and without someone to pull his strings and tell him what to do and think he's completely lost isn't he? It doesn't sound as though he's ever been able to do just what he pleases.

@Parentalalienation she made it through the Op. All the spite and nastiness gives her energy.

Yep, SS sat in the hospital from 10am onwards and is still there. Christ, he's USELESS.

NOPE, he’s never been allowed to do what he wants. He’s from Mr Monkey’s dad’s first marriage. That wife died young of cancer leaving Slave Son in a children’s home run by nuns (it's like an Irish misery novel) until MM dad married the Hag and he was rescued and taken home. No idea how long after death of first wife that MM’s dad married the Hag. There are a LOT of secrets and lies.

Hag would, of course, remind SS of his start in life and tell him she could send him back. The threat of sending all her children to care was a common and charming theme.

But, SS is clearly trauma bonded. MM far less, but it's still there.

MM’s dad died young when MM was only eight. SS was 17. SS had wanted to join the navy, but ‘decided not to’. I'm pretty sure Hag will have blackmailed him to stay. This is despite the horrible violence she subjected all her sons to. She threw a shoe at SS when he was in his 20s splitting his head open which meant a trip to A&E. She did it again the week after. WTAF. Wouldn’t you pack your bags and LEAVE?

A couple of years later, SS moved round the corner from her. That's the toxic web she's woven.

Even MM bought a house down the street. He bought a house 10 minutes drive from her later on and THEN she moved close to his new place. She used to have a key and do his cleaning. I changed the locks. I ‘lost’ my keys.

SS hasn't had a relationship since the 80s, he's not been on holiday, she's jealous if his friends and former colleagues, particularly women. He's defacto husband, He's an alcoholic and smokes 50 fags a day. He has MS, which the Hag milks when it's convenient, otherwise she treats him like shit.

He has NO life. It's been sacrificed to a woman who dominates him and is emotionally abusive. My hairdresser has seen her screaming at him in Tesco many times.

And yet he still turns up for more. I don't think he’ll outlive The Hag long when she dies as she's all he has.

I used to feel sorry for him, not so much now as he's a fucking idiot.

MM has done incredibly well to get out of her claws as Hag was lining him up to replace increasingly disabled Slave Son. It's a shit show of a family.

I think I may have to do performative hospital visit this weekend.

SEND PRAYERS.

@mm Oh gawd...what an awful story and what an awful lot of damage the hag has done 💔

I'm feeling rather wrung out today.

The past couple of days have been stressful. Next week will be very stressful (not mum related). I'll be glad when it's this time next week!

One of my DCs had good news yesterday, which is great :)

I shall be partaking in a little prosecco this evening and will be toasting you all xxxx

Hello everyone for everyone struggling this weekend

So weekend is where I struggle with my mother the most. Saturday is dictated by taking her shopping for alcohol, shit food and general crap that she has seen on the television. None of which is crucial to her well being but she insists must be purchased in person. I of course have to play taxi while she constantly criticises and slags everyone off.

Tomorrow is Sunday dinner time where I have stupidly got into a situation where she comes for dinner, tuts, complains and fawns over DS who thankfully is no longer fooled by her.

Last week she shat all over my downstairs loo, didn't say anything and DH hit the roof when he discovered the mess.

This morning I had to mention it. The conversation was a classic

Mum you messed the toilet last week. Why didn't you tell me? I would've given you some wipes to clean up

I have dreadful stomach atm I think it's something serious

Have you rung the doctor then ?

Oh no, I don't think there's anything they can do- just as she's loading her trolley with a family size bar of chocolate, 2 bottles of wine, whisky and a family size box of biscuits

Well if you're ill you'll have to stay home tomorrow won't you

I am in no doubt she'll ring tomorrow demanding that she come for dinner ffs

Hello all, hope you’re ok and having a peaceful weekend.

I can’t even bring myself to talk about my monster of a mother today. The highlight was when she decided to tell me that my dad (who died two years ago) used to say awful things about me. And the thing is, I don’t care if he said the odd thing about me because that’s normal. But trying to desperately win an argument by betraying my dad and trying to ruin my memory of him is a new low. And very unnerving. I didn’t agree with his enabling, but he was still a very kind man. I’ve had to warn my children yet again to remember to not listen to a word she says.

Oh and after all that she accused me of being a narcissist!!!😩😩😩

I’ve had lots of supportive calls and messages after my Facebook wobble though and that was lovely!

@Trappedwitheviledna I'm so sorry. Hope tomorrow is better xx

@Parentalalienation I'm going to do this too with the small bits they gave me. I don't want their presents in my house and be reminded of my ordeal as a child every day.

They had sent me flowers for my birthday a few months back and I just wanted to bin them.

Hi lovely people, I've been in and out of this boars for quite a while now. I had distanced myself from my family a bit and I've got more of my own life and detached myself from needing them so much with help etc.

Recently I've been having a really tough time. Been battling a family court case my abusive ex. I'm now having to split 50/50 with our DC. I've found out I had endometriosis and possible nerve damage to my feet. I'm struggling financially due to all the legal costs I've had to pay and housing issues relating to mould and damp and I'm just so exhausted.

Parents and sister know everything I've been through. I'm a lone parent but do have a partner. We don't live together.

Parents haven't really been there. They jetted off on a nice holiday the day of my final court date. My partner was quite surprised they did this. But I'm not surprised.

Anything I try talk to my mum about then she instantly brings it around to my sister who's having such a harder time. Sister doesn't work, has a partner who earns well. Has 2 children who has behavioural issues which I'm not taking away is hard but sister has become the golden child who can do no wrong at all and I feel I'm the scapegoat.

Christmas dad sister got drunk that she feel asleep in a room in Parents home. Her partner was drinking and off with my dad. Me, partner and mum we're looking after their kids plus our own. However sister could do no wrong. Another example I invited sister to do a junior run for the kids. She was 10 mins late which meant mine and DP kids had to run alone away from the group. Poor dp has all water bottles and coats whilst I ran to find my sister. Sister then got in a mood because we hadn't waited in the carpark (we hadn't agreed to this).

Sister hasn't really asked about court or much about my life. Same with my mum. My dad is a misogynistic man, believes a woman belongs in the kitchen. He winds my DC up which DC doesn't like. I ask dad to stop and he laughs and says what can't he take a joke. He used to do this with me too.

My mum had told me that my DC is hard to look after. He's no trouble, doesn't make a mess. He's an only child so just wants to chat really or wants you to play games and apparently that's hard work. Whereas my sisters children are clearly her favourite. I constantly hear sisters children this and that. They are so cute and so easy. Mum often has them sleep at hers but has never offered to help me.
Mum is always round sisters helping with her house etc.

Yesterday I was scammed quite a bit of money. I told mum and said how upset I was with everything that's going on atm. She read my message and ignored me.

Mum offers no support. Sometime last year sister was the scape goat. She would always moan about her to me. It got to the point where I said you need to stop, it's too much. Now it's going the other way. Mum puts herself in the middle. Sharing info between me and sister.

I just feel so broken. I feel I don't have a family to go to.

@Bringonthesun24
That sounds truly awful. No wonder you are worn down by it all. Anyone would be. .All you can do is let go of any and all expectations of anything different and get on with your own life without involving them. And I wouldn't want my child affected by them either. It shouldn't be that way but what else can you do . They won't ever change. And honestly I wouldn't even tell them much as its only ammunition for them to use against you.
I am sorry it is so tough for you. You deserve better. Take care x

@Bringonthesun24 huge hugs. I know what it's like to be in the middle.

Hope you get the scammed money sorted. What happened?

@user8800 I hope you had a lovely evening. I chilled out and didn't think about The Hag. It was great.

@Davina69 oh my lord, nightmare! I found shit stained toilet roll on the floor in our bathroom and used tissues stuffed into the sofa cushions and bed when the Hag stayed here. It's like they're marking their territory. Lol. Is there a way you can claw back some of your weekend? It's REALLY hard to do, but worth training them to not think all your time belongs to them. It's exhausting doing the week and then even harder work facing you at the weekend.

@Trappedwitheviledna that's a new low of undermining and bullying. Haven't you recently challenged her about something so she's upping the ante?

@Bringonthesun24 that's awful. Welcome to the conversations,

It's a case of limiting the contact to limit your exposure as much as you can so you're not dragged into the emotional drama. Easier said than done, I know.

It took me two years to limit my exposure to my toxic MIL aka The Hag (and she's not even my mother!) to a place of very low contact which has, despite the many posts, made me happier and able to survive,

Things that worked for me were:

Being here on this forum - life saver!
Writing things down so I could spot the patterns and swerve the shit. I use the forum as a place for support and a journal.
Understanding my role, my partner’s role and his brother’s role in the disordered family mess the Hag had created.
Reading up on toxic family dynamics.
Not giving The Hag any personal information about my life - she was never interested, info was just a weapon.
Having ready excuses when I didn't want to see her / speak to her.
Empowering myself to say NO. God, that's hard.
I got counselling and encouraged Mr Monkey to, which has transformed him.
Understanding that whilst I was putting the plan into action, it was going to get harder and then better. Bumps in the road.
Not blaming myself for disliking her. Hag is just a nasty person.
Not thinking I could rescue her from the shit life she had created for herself. She loves her shit life!
Yellow rocking - being polite but distant in conversations.

TBH the support here was incredible and I worked out my own strategies (as above) to deal with her. So much of the strategies are based on life stories and advice here.

Welcome to the club xxx

I cannot stress enough to everyone how important it is to realise that toxic family members never change. If anything, they get worse as the years go on.

It doesn't matter what you do - you will NEVER see an improvement to the dynamic.

The only way to save yourself from the constant chipping away is to remove yourself from the drama triangle.

The list in the previous post from Monkey is very insightful and accurate. Particularly the comment about learning about dysfunctional family dynamics and learning to recognise the patterns. Also learning to say NO, and that your life belongs to YOU, not to them.

You can choose to have nothing more to do with people who bring you pain and trouble. You can choose to protect yourself (and your own family unit) by dropping the rope and walking away.

You can choose to release yourself from the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt), and to live your life in any way you choose.

CHOOSE FREEDOM.

Sending solidarity to all. x

Hag drama Pt 5067

The joyful toxic MIL has now had her settings restored after her operation yesterday and is refusing food / medication. Again. Quel surprise.

Slave Son rings Mr Monkey panicking this AM. SS just doesn't get that this shit isn't real. As soon as the oxygen of attention is removed, she will be asking for food and taking her meds. The drama is pure fiction.

Proud of MM as he told his useless brother SS there was no point rushing up to the hospital as the ‘problem’ is a ‘problem’ that can wait. He’s leisurely eating a cooked breakfast after a long bath.

I'm not engaging with the shit today, although I will be in constant contact with social services next week. I think refusing meds and food is ‘lack of self-care’, it will be good to update social services on the latest episode.

I'm seeing mummy monkey, doing a tip run and doing my homework for my course. Not drinking is helping calm me down so much as Hag is pressing my buttons its tempting to receive reach for a G&T so its a booze free Campari for me later.

Thank you @mm
I've spent the weekend writing up representations and briefing notes 📝

This afternoon is mostly cleaning and washing 😞

I've got 4 meetings up to now this week...I hope Friday stays free!

Once dc are all home I'll cook dinner, and watch pottery throwdown and Vera with a glass of prosecco 🥂

@mm Whatever happens with the hag, you can be sure she won't be coming back to her home. Once she's safely ensconced in a care home you won't ever have to see her again 😃

I have been known to put flowers straight into the brown garden waste bin!

@Bringonthesun24 welcome to our wee haven. Your family sound awful and I would be looking to limit the exposure that you and your child have to them if you can do. Your child is hard work so you'd think grandparents would be pleased to not be doing so much caring etc. I think that's awful that they're essentially complaining because you've got a nice inquisitive child who likes to chat.

Well myself and son had a lovely time away. It was just nice to be just us. Sadly on the way home I started thinking how perfect the place we were would have been with ex dp etc there too and since I came home I have been crying. He just doesnt understand why I react the way I do and I know in the end he was more committed to NOT trying to understand which is why the communication broke down but currently it feels like he just walked away when I needed him most. Nothing I can do anyway.

It has been 6 weeks since contact with my mother and bar bumping into her by accident that one time and completely ignoring her I have no intention of contacting her. She thinks I need her but I struggle to see what I need her for?

Apologies in advance for this essay! But here goes. I'm dealing with this situation, I believe. I don't understand it all though. Thoroughly confused. I've tried reading about it but I'm none the wiser. Triangles and narcissistic supply and all that. It doesn't make sense to me.

There are no tantrums, as such, sharp words and nastiness sometimes but it's rare. Mainly victim like behaviour and tears, although nobody is victimising the parent at all and if they could treat me with respect they wouldn't have to be sad at me leaving (the event or whatever) because I'd still be there. I'm usually only leaving due to nasty barbed comments which I won't put up with. It can't be victim behaviour if they're not being victimised, can it, so what is it then?

It's beginning to feel surreal, like I've encountered an alien species who's behaviour I don't understand and can't make sense of. If they wasn't my parent I wouldn't be trying TBH, I've had a hard life and want to keep things simple now.

The golden child is the favourite one, that part I understand. I'm not sure which of us it is though! I know who it used to be but they've gone off on their own in recent years, now the parent is no use to them for childcare (I strongly suspect they are a narcissist themselves too or at least have very strong traits of it) and so they've fallen out of favour with parent.

I don't think it's me who's golden but I can't tell, so maybe it's my other sibling who gets along with parent? I was always the scapegoat I think, that's the bad person? Except I was never bad, that's just the picture painted of me by parent. I always get treated like I've done something wrong unless I put up with parent treating me badly.

Can anyone explain the situation where I backed right off. I think it's what you're saying is yellow rock, polite but distant. Since then I don't get jokey birthday cards with a cartoon picture on that says another year older and wrinklier or whatever those joke cards say, you know the sort of thing. Now I get ones full of butterflies and pretty pictures that say to my darling daughter you're the most perfect person and other insincere nonsense like that. Does that mean I'm the golden one now?

I still get ignored in plain sight iykwim. Parent tells me nothing except gossip about siblings which I don't want and I'm sure they'd prefer I didn't hear, doesn't want to talk about anything ordinary or everyday life but wants to know all my business, which I don't want to tell because it'll be gossiped about! We've nothing to talk about because between our different wants, every subject is off limits. Yet they want to meet, always. Lots of passive aggressive digs towards me too. If it was a friend I'd consider friendship over and cease contact on the grounds we've drifted apart, are very different people and have nothing to say to each other - but with a parent??? There'd be fallout I imagine and my name would be mud, even more than it is already. It's seen as an unforgivable thing, isn't it? To cut off your family member.

Gifts seem to come with strings attached, but I'm not sure what the strings are, so I never deliver on expectations and then I'm in the wrong again. Find this mystifying. If I gift someone I expect them to say thanks and if I hear no more about it I'm ok with that. So I can't even think what the expectations from parent could be, to decide if I want to comply or not. Like I say we're very different and don't think the same way at all. TBH I'm at the point where I'd prefer not to receive the gifts, that would be the easiest option for me, but it's rude isn't it to refuse a gift and parent would definitely think so. They also would ignore I think and purchase anyway. So unless I refuse to meet ever again, the gift with its strings attached is going to come to me. It's a conundrum. Any tips? (Sorry if that's asking for the moon on a stick!)

Bad day today. I've got a post in relationships about it, far too long (and not really relevant, it's about a neighbour posting a anonymous judgemental note through my door) to post in here. But it has triggered me massively, bought back a lot of very bad memories...and highlighted how my shitty childhood with two raging narcs left me with zero coping skills. Things that 'normal' adults of 55 would just brush off absolutely incapacitate me. So lots of anger triggered as well.

Here's hoping the next week will be better for all on here x

*got a thread in relationships

I've just reopened my shop on Etsy. I received a message that looked like it was from Etsy saying to verify my card details before my sale could be released. So I did and they took 300 from my bank. Feel very silly, I always said I'd never be caught out!

Thank you @flapjackfairy @Spencer0220 @MonkeyfromManchester

I did limit contact more than previously. With my job and DS at school it's not often we see them. I tell her less stuff then I used to aswell. And I also stopped expecting from them eg. Emotional or practical. I guess I just feel vulnerable atm so it's hitting me they are useless and uncaring.

I know @Parentalalienation he's such a kind boy (I know parents are bias). He honestly wouldn't say boo to a ghost though and just wants his grandparents to interact with him. Although I do remember my mum hardly every sat down to play games when we were young. Although I did have a sister to play with instead

I'm so sorry about your bad day. Hoping today is better.
It's horrible when something triggers us, an unhealed wound I would call it.

I can relate to left with no coping skills. It's like one day we are left to hang out to dry. It's very tough.

Sending hugs your way

6 weeks no contact and last night I got a call from a friend saying my mother (shes 76) posted a scathing message on facebook about me ffs. She has contacted all of the family now to tell them what a horrible nasty person I am but they will tire of it cos she has done it before. I dont need her, I am realising that and getting stronger each day knowing that but she is a pathetic cow trying to badmouth me. I am ten times the person she is, one hundred times the parent she claims to have been. If you were to believe my mother we sat around the dinner table as kids holding hands singing kumbaya but the reality is so different. In one way I wonder will I be sad when she dies or will I sigh with relief? Will I feel bad about myself as a person if it is the latter? Im so confused. I fucking hate what she is putting my son through though and whatever shes done to me I couldnt care less about but he is everything to me. She will not hurt him.

@GenuineweddingoneSee what a great mum you are putting your son first always. She must be seething inside because she knows the truth whatever she tries to tell herself and others.
And I am sure all family members know what she is like as well if she has done this regularly before.
Still it is v hurtful and yes it messes with your head . Stand tall and stay firm and just let her get on with it and tell friends not to relay hurtful posts in future either as no good can come of that. X

@Bringonthesun24 please call your credit card provider and get that card blocked asap. They can reissue one on the same account. You don't want them to try a second payment