January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826?amp%3Bascsubtag=mnforum-

@JellyWellyBoots
I think you should do exactly what is right for you without thought or reference to what your Aunt or your sister want.
If that is to hand the dog over to your Aunt then do that and let her and your sister fight it out. It is not your job to play referee and keep everyone else happy at the expense of your own mental health.
Very sorry for your loss x

@JellyWellyBoots or hand the dog over to your sister?

@chalcotsq
Exactly. The twats are so self-involved, so entitled that they have NO memory of how they’ve behaved. When they want something they reach out. It's disgusting. And yes, there has to be a new scapegoat. The roles shift around so much, it's hard to keep up.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau she does want someone to blame and be horrible to. It's you. And it's awful.

@JellyWellyBoots
Nightmare. You’re recognising you have to do right by the dog. Your sister and aunt have made the dog a weapon. Can you block your sister? Or delete messages without replying. Poor dog and poor you.

@user8800
@binkie163

Thank you so much. Xxx

As MM said last night, he doesn't expect a heartwarming reunion with Twat Brother at the funeral. TB is meeting us at the church rather than going in a limo. That wasn't an option.

It'll be civil and then TB will go off into the sunset. I doubt there will be follow up contact.

Doubtless, he’ll try and manipulate his sons to his advantage. His little girl will be used as an ‘ice breaker’ to her half-brothers as he's tried the text with ‘come and meet your baby sister’ before. Nephews ignored it and blocked him.

She's now seven and all this shit, I hope, passes her by and doesn't fuck her up. I'm sure the rest of her childhood will screw her up as he's a narcissist and only interested in his kids when there's something in it for him.

He didn't even go on hols with his sons when they were younger. When SIL and nephews were away from their overseas home, her hols were viewed as ‘so, I'll move the prostitutes into the house and have coke parties’. Even when SIL was in another country burying her father!!! Maid told her about it when she got home. Even in Scotland, where their house was on a close with neighbours rather than in a compound, he moved in another woman when SIL was away.

This is what The Hag created. And apparently she’d been whining about him not being in contact for seven or eight years to her niece “poor me”. Very little contact from her with her DIL or grandsons from then on as she probably thought “what's the point?” and blamed SIL for the marriage breakdown.

I feel REALLY sorry for wife number two who won't have been any of the truth and just has him as far as I can make out. She’ll sit there feeling awkward and I don't think she's as tough as sister in law aka wife number two. Awful.

I think everyone will be civil - family and friends have all been briefed - but Twat Brother is the pariah.

Thanks everyone for the consensus of advice. I've taken it, and have sent a short note in the post to Disabled Brother saying I'm unable to re-establish contact and wish him well for his future. It feels brief and brutal but it is what it is.

@MonkeyfromManchester - I'm thinking of you. Funerals bring out heightened emotions which, when coupled with off-the-scale family dysfunction and alcohol consumption, can make for some pretty interesting dynamics. I remember one such occasion when I wished I'd had a can of mace in my handbag.

Hi all,

I need some advice if possible. Firstly, I’m sorry all of you are going through so much unnecessary pain with your toxic family members, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I’ve spoken before about my NM, EF and GC sister, I’m the scapegoat. I’ve realised that since Mother’s Day there is literally nothing I can do to maintain even a semblance of a relationship with my family and this realisation is hurting me more than I anticipated. I finished up therapy last year after doing it for three years, I went through the awful grief that came with my realisations, I thought I could handle low contact but I’m starting to see that it’s impossible.

I have a LC relationship with my parents and I’m currently NC with my sister due to her treating me very badly (and my kids) back in September. On Mother’s Day I arranged to meet my parents in a cafe with my kids. I do this once a month. Almost immediately my mother brings up Easter and the plans they have made with my sister and her family, she would “love us” to join them. Knowing I don’t speak to my sister I found it disturbing that she would suggest we just sweep everything under the rug and move on. Now, I know I shouldn’t have done what I did next, believe me, I know. All my grey rock techniques went out the window and I explained my issues with my sister, how she treated me like shit (like she has been trained to do since day one) and I would not be in her company, irrespective of an apology or not. Queue my mother’s eyes welling up with tears ( I felt physically sick at this sight) at the “sad” situation. How family is so important (the irony of this, they’re practically strangers to me at this stage). Anyway, to speed this up, I told her not to discuss this with my sister and I’m not interested in Easter with her.

That evening she texts saying she spoke to my sister and there is hurt “on both sides” but she would be willing to put it behind us and “move on”. The hurt, anger and betrayal I felt in that moment was horrific 😔 as usual, I’m expected to just be shat on by everyone, no one owes me an apology, ever. I’m utterly worthless in the eyes of my family and the pain of that is awful. I thought I had dealt with this but clearly I still hold on to hope, hope of better treatment. I’m so disgusted with them all, they scare me they’re so unhinged. When I started therapy I physically found it so painful, my back and chest would ache and it would hurt to breathe at times and this pain has come back with a bang from my dealings with them lately. The body really holds on to trauma, that’s for sure.

Im not sure what I’m looking for here. I know that NC is the healthiest path but I have serious abandonment issues and fear of being alone. I’m terrified something awful will take my husband away from me and I’ll be all alone. Sorry for the essay but this is my reality of dealing with this toxic family structure. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

I’m terrified something awful will take my husband away from me and I’ll be all alone

@junebugalice I understand. I'm in a very similar situation.

I do sometimes worry about being alone when (if) my DH, dies before me. I'm NC with my abominable toxic sisters. Our parents died many years ago, so there's only us.

I've come to realise that I do have an enriching life on my own, anyway. I've joined clubs and groups here in the little Scottish village we moved to seven years ago. There will be friends (and our children) after DH dies. That's fine. I don't care now if I never see my sisters again, and I shan't even inform them when DH dies.

I've told the children that I don't want them at my funeral. I saw their performative grieving at our other sister's funeral. I don't want it to mar my own.

Thanks so much for your response @TheShellBeach i can certainly relate. I think it’s what stops a lot of people going full NC and I suppose it’s entrenched in us as people to seek out family or community. I could do more with regards to joining clubs etc, fair play to you for doing that, i don’t quite have the confidence for that yet.

Weirdly, I feel better mentally and physically when I’m away from my family. I’m genuinely ashamed of them and how cruel and hurtful they are. I think a lot of it is getting your head around the fact that family can be so destructive and, at times, downright evil. The betrayal of that is something else.

Hi guys. I've posted under different user names before. My mum has narc qualities but also is quite frail and has ms. I can't go completely no contact. She has a serious hoarding and shopping addiction. She is in complete denial about it. My dad was her full time carer and he suddenly and unexpectedly died over a year ago now. They were living in rural France in a massive old house.
When my dad died I immediately went over there to try and help her. She was horrific to me from the get go. But I just felt incredibly sorry for her. I brought her back over to my home in the UK to live temporarily. She couldn't cope alone in the big old house in France and she put it up for sale.
Well whilst she was in my house (she was here for 10 months) she did nothing to further the sale of her house in France. She also did not contribute at all to my house in terns of bills or food or anything.. she did pay some money towards bills near the end of her stay. It's important to add here that my parents were wealthy (well they should have been but she was spending thousands a day) and even with my dad gone my mum still gets an income equivalent to what my husband earns (and at the time she was living with us he was basically supporting the entire family as I was only receiving carers allowance.. which my mum thought I should be spending on her!!) She has no deoendants and no mortgage, owns her house outright... so basically she should be fine. But she was not. She continually ran out of her own money days after receiving it. She has an eating disorder I think.. very limited in what she will eat only specific branded things. So I was having to buy her these things as she ran out of money and would not eat the food I had in for the family... if I had not done this she simply would not eat. She did loads of stuff and said loads of stuff that's too long to list here (including smoking indoors next to my severely asthmatic 5yo daughter) but basically it was a living nightmare and I was constantly fantasising about killing myself.
Eventually I just went back to work full time 12 hour night shifts because we just couldn't survive on me being on carers allowance.. and there was no sign of her actually contributing.
The crisis point was that I ended up falling pregnant unplanned (contraception failure) and was actually considering terminating the pregnancy as I couldn't cope.. obviously I got a grip and thought don't do that for your mother. And instead I told her that she needed to find a rental property nearby and that I could no longer be her sole carer she would need to have a care act assessment and hire extra carers...
She took massive insult at this and refused to consent to the care act assessment.. she demanded to be taken back to France. She had bought a car for herself so we packed up some of her stuff (whilst she had been staying here she had been constantly buying stuff and it wouldn't all fit in the 7 seater car she bought... in fact I'm still getting rid of it now 7 months later!) And my husband drove her all the way back to her house in France. She assured us she had found a carer to come in once a week and help.
When my dh got her there it turned out she hadn't been paying any utilities on the house and had got cut off.. so her friends who livedinI another village took her in temporarily.
Other details include her hoarding animals.. when I brought her to the UK I convinced her to redone the multiple cars but she brought her dog who she can't really care for and is very badly trained. He nit both my children and had to be muzzled outside as he would go for random people. He basically destroyed my house as well.
She has been buying more cats since she's been back in France. She also insisted on taking the dog back who is now very neglected. These animals roam free and shit all over the large house and she cannot clean it. She's also continued hoarding altho I had cleared the house when I initially went over there she has filled it again.
She is deemed to have capacity, we don't have power of attorney we can't make any decisions on her behalf.
So the issue at the moment is the friends who initially took her in have taken on loads of her care for free.. she turned the carer away that had been set up for her.. she's been trying to do some type of benefit fraud so she gets higher rate pip by saying she's still living at our address but she has not written and given up her French residency with the French government so she's still getting French healthcare there.. this makes things extremely difficult.
The friends rang us last night and basically shouted at us for neglecting her and our responsibility towards her. She has apparently been taken into hospital in France. They say she has not been coping at home not washing and just filling the house with items.. a big fire risk as its heated by fires. Fires that she lights for warmth then just leaves inclosed with matches everywhere.. they've found her on the ground a couple of times when they've gone to check on her.
The problem is they've taken her into their home now.. and they say they can only do that until the end of the month and seem to expect us to do something..
But I have just given birth a couple of weeks ago.. this is my third child all under 9yo. I don't drive. I'm on minimum wage but even then my maternity pay claim was messed up (I had to claim maternity allowance) so I'm actually completely penniless. We now no longer have room I our house for her (not that it was ever suitable as its a small terrace with 4 flights of stairs and she was having to share my daughters bedroom.. now I have a newborn baby on top of that) and there's no way I could provide any care for her... my husband is a nurse who works full time. He doesn't have any holiday left he had to take it all around the birth as I developed pre-eclampsia. He even had to take unpaid leave.. so basically cannot afford to take any more.
But these friends seem determined thar we should either come and get her or 'put her in housing'
I tried to explain that I can't 'put' her anywhere as she has legal capacity and would need to actually set that up herself (I mean we would help her do it but she needs to be the one speaking to letting agents etc) as well as pay for it herself.
They just shouted at me that I was uncaring and she was my mother and I needed to sort it out.
I told them they should not have assumed responsibility for her cate as now social services in France won't get involved but he just shouted that of course he had to because no one else was.
He told me I needed to find warden's housing for her to go into within the month... which is an absolute joke. That's just not possible.
When I said he should just put her on a plane back to the UK when she is well enough to tracel..and she should book a hotel fir a week and present to the local council as homeless after the time her hotel stay ended.. and that might be the quickest way for her into supported living in thus country.. he called me heartless and hung up on me.

I'm not heartless. I'm actually on 3 types of psychiatric medication. I cry most nights... about the death of my beloved dad.. about my mums behaviour..
And altho her ms has made her worse she has always been like this. Absolutely no empathy and no consideration of anything apart from her immediate wants.
But I just can't assume responsibility for her care. It would destroy me. I've got my children and my newborn baby to think of.
Any advice or support would be really appreciated.
I'm feeling very low. I'm sure all the people over there think I'm evil.
But my mother made these choices.. and thus is the situation shes ended up in.
I gave her all thus advice.. tried to sort things out for her when she was here.. she opposed all of it. There's not actually much I can do now.

Oh abd just to add that the big car she bought for herself.. she totalled it by trying ti drive it and crashing it into a wall. Again we had repeatedly advised her not to drive as she hasn't driven in 20 years but that fell on deaf ears. So now there isn't even a car that fits her wheelchair in. We only have a very small 4 seater that we only barely fit in let alone her with her things. So that's another obstacle to helping her

Wow @Pearlyclouds

You must prioritise your children and your own health and wellbeing.

Ignore the people in France. None of this is your responsibility at all. None of it.

You surely need to go completely NC. Your mother has caused enough damage.

STOP trying to help your ungrateful mother! Focus on your new baby.

@Pearlyclouds
Honestly just block them all and ignore. You have done more than enough and must prioritise your own family. She won't be grateful no.matter what you do so just step away and don't feel.guilty either as you have done nothing wrong. Congratulations on your new little one xxx

@Pearlyclouds
You are absolutely right to not get involved with your mother given the history and all you have going on. Don't feel guilty as there is nothing to feel guilty fo.

The friends in France, having taken her in, have probably now realised she's harder work than they can handle and need to get rid of her and you are the obvious solution. But that was their choice and they and her are NOT your problem to solve.

You are right that unless your mother is shown not to have capacity (a high bar) there is nothing you can do anyway. Also stop caring what other people think! I know some of my mothers neighbours thought we weren't 'looking after mum properly' and that they were being fooled by her nice-old-lady mask. We just ignored the snide comments.

The French authorities may get involved if she is animal hoarding and neglecting or the friends get in touch with social services, but you are clear you can't take her in yourself. Step back and concentrate on your family and the new baby. You are not heartless. Forgive yourself, even though there is nothing to forgive. Sad as it is, you cannot save or change someone like your mother.

Pearly Clouds

I remember you well from previous writings re your mother. She has never been any sort of decent mother to you, she remains very much a narcissistic and herself heartless nightmare of one.

Your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are likely behind preventing you from going no contact but your own mental health as well as the wellbeing of your own family unit must come first and foremost now. You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

Ignore both your mother and the people who were daft enough to fall for her lies (i.e the flying monkeys) in the first place. They have no interest in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. The fact remains that your mother remains a highly toxic, manipulative and otherwise abusive individual to be around. You have tried and she was never ever going to cooperate with you so any attempts by you to help her were always doomed to failure. Drop the rope entirely here she and the monkeys hold out to you and ignore them all going forward. You likely only bothered with her in the first place because you, like so many other adult children of narcissists, have been conditioned to put the parent first with your own needs and wants dead last. You already have physical distance and now need to place far more mental distance between you and these flying monkeys. They like your mother are really not worth bothering about and the only people who tend to bother with them anyway are the adult children of same.

@junebugalice - it's awful, isn't it? Like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Going NC is the nuclear option for all of us who have done it. We come to that conclusion because it's the only way to remove ourselves from the toxic quagmire and all the damage that comes with it. Yet it comes with high cost to our hearts and minds.

The betrayal you speak of is very real, and deeply hurtful.

All of us here understand what you are going through. This thread is a lifeline that saves us from the whole "but it's your FAMILY!!!!" brigade.

Sending solidarity (and will catch up with other posters soon).

@Pearlyclouds - I also remember your previous posts and I agree with every word Attila says.

It's really really hard, but the only way forward is for you to cut her off. Block all the flying monkeys (her neighbours and anybody else she has sucked into her hideous world).

She is NOT your responsibility.

You are person in your own right with full autonomy over your life choices.

Congratulations on your new baby! This is a special time for you that should be filled with love and light.

Your mother is a toxic nightmare-from-hell and there is nothing you can do about that. Heaven knows you have given your all in trying to make things better for her, to no avail.

Take a deep breath. Change your number if you have to. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed or any of those things that keep us toeing the line. Speak up about the hideous situation and refuse to be sucked into any more of her drama.

Fuck all those people who you say "think I'm evil". You're not. None of this is your fault. Nobody caused this except your dysfunction mother. You can't fix this so don't even try.

I'm so sorry about your dad but please don't think that because he is no longer with you that you have to step up and deal with the crazy. You don't. You don't owe her anything.

Your mental health is your number one priority.

Hang on in there. Lean in to your own loving family unit. Let your mother go. She will bring you nothing but misery.

Sending solidarity.

Monkey, I feel you've hit the nail on the head. There is this trail of destruction which follows almost everyone who is associated with these people (I can't bring myself to say more). It says a huge amount that it's following you still, she's been dead weeks if not months. She has put the ground behind her in flames and salted it, hasn't she?

MM is probably feeling very fragile no matter how mixed his feelings should be, so hold really fast to him. Hag doesn't deserve it for a second, we all know that. But hold him. It's so complicated to lose someone you're supposed to love and can't stand.

@Pearlyclouds I'm sorry, but you'll need to distance yourself too. There are a lot of posters who are great at giving the tough love - I'm not. But you need to protect yourself right now. Shout louder and louder that you can't help and you oughtn't to have to. Put your hands over your ears. Put on the same fucking song for months - I did. If you need to give away a car, that sucks incredibly much but its a car, it's not your sanity. Do what you need to take care of yourself.

Si vous avez des problemes avec le francais je vous aiderais (je sais que ce sont les accents qui manquent) mais just suis ici et je suis bilingue.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/

(And Cecile, I think the term "intellectual disability" is preferable to the term you used)

Thanks so much @Sicario your validation helps a lot x

Thanks ShellBeach and I apologise to everyone I've offended. Absolutely none was meant but I know I probably did. Thanks to whoever deleted me - I really am sorry and will try to learn. Apologies everyone.

Spoke to my sister about the dog, she said she isn't in a position to have that kind of responsibility due to the fact her landlord wouldn't allow it & she wants to go travelling.

She said I'm probably only thinking this way because I am overwhelmed and take a few more weeks & then decide.

To be honest I am overwhelmed, my car had something wrong with it this morning so was unable to go to work - I practiced yoga, baked & slept. I feel so much better for it.

The doctors called me today as they are concerned about my weight. They said my BMI was far too low at my last appointment for the contraceptive pill. They want to see me again in a month to weigh me again.

Everything that's happened in the last few months has triggered a historical ED.

Fellow ED sufferer here and I hope it's OK to post, and I sincerely apologise for the bad one I left, but I want to post this.

At the moment the most important thing is the dog for you. If you think the dog will help, go with the dog. If you don't, then there'll be a Blue Cross nearby. You need to prioritise your health at the moment. A really important first step is that you've recognised that it's not healthy and you're reacting in an unwell way.

Next step - if you want to keep the dog, keep the dog and lots of cuddles every day because you need them. If not, the dog needs to go to the shelter and don't blame yourself.

Third step. It's really hard but you need to eat. Just a few bites if that's all you can do but everything you can manage. Know that we're congratulating you for every bite you can manage and if the dog is with you he's also congratulating you.

Just a bite at a time. Everyone here will be with you. Just one bite please, for us?

And I'm awfully sorry, everyone. Sincerely and truly. I really am sorry.