January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826?amp%3Bascsubtag=mnforum-

Hello. I've been watching for a while trying to pluck up the courage to speak.
I think my mother is a narc and my youngest sister (her golden child) I still have a relationship with my mother and a half hearted one with my sister so it's complicated.
We were nc for ten years, huge back story but she came knocking on my door after that ten years and my mind and life have been turmoil ever since.

I have to say I do love my mother which makes this more difficult and like a betrayal.

Children are programmed to love their parents no matter how crap they are.

It’s ok to love her and not like her. But narcissistic people have made the terrible choice not to love.

Why did your mother turn up at your door after 10 years?. Why then and what did she want from you?. I am not altogether surprised your mind and body have been in turmoil since. You do realise it’s not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and your sister sounds scarily similar to your mother. Neither of them have at all respected your boundaries

@littleMillie has your mum fallen out with your sister? Narcs want people when they are useful and fill a purpose. It sounds harsh but they always have an agenda, she wants something from you.

Thank you for your reply.
Golden child was always favoured. She had everything she demanded, horse riding lessons, ice skating lessons, brownies - girl guide type not biscuits :) she would dive straight into my mothers bags when she came back from shopping to find the treat she’d bought her, these are just off the top of my head but me and my middle ds got nothing and didn’t dare ask.
She was a horrible kid and grew up speaking to people like they were filth, insulting adults and just being plain nasty but if anyone even looked at her the wrong way for it they’d feel dm’s wrath. Dm still despises anyone who ever dared back answer gc and it’s for life. Pure vicious hatred but it’s all done behind their backs and she uses different excuses to slag them off. She is literally obsessed with gc.

I think she hates my middle ds and always has, I never knew anything about narcissism but things are starting to add up and I’m ashamed to say I think I was a flying monkey for years for this thing she has about middle sis. Dm was physically snd verbally abusive to us both whilst growing up but middle sis had the worst of it. She would get gc to join in with her chanting ‘cry baby cry baby’ when middle sis was brought to tears by verbal battering. Gc has always thought she’s better than anyone else, speaks down to me and middle sis and has always been insulting towards us but I don’t blame her really it’s all she’s known and she’s as messed up as me and middle sis.

We lost our dad years ago, it was traumatic and of course the whole thing had to be about gc. She kept hurling insults at me and middle sis at the hospital after an uncle jokingly said we were no bother, she was absolutely raging.
Her and gc went out early the morning after he passed to arrange the funeral without even letting me and middle sis know.
At the wake gc went around saying to people “it’s much worse for me than it is them” all about her but we all loved our dad.
A few days after the funeral my dd visited my mothers and told gc I couldn’t get off the settee I was so grief stricken. Gc took a tantrum and screamed at dd ‘well what about me!! It’s much worse for me!!’
I sent her a text basically telling her she’s not a spoilt little girl anymore, this was about my dad not her and to shut her mouth about me and middle sis. I’d had enough. And for that I was dead to my dm for ten years. She would pass me in the street if I ever saw her like she didn’t know me.
She appeared at my door ten years later, I let her in and we had a bit of a talk but nothing about the reason for her disowning me. I asked her what brought her and she said ‘I’m sick of being in my own, being dragged into things’ then a minute later sadly said ‘gc will never move back here’ gc lives down south she went at 18 thinking she was going to be a rich singer and actress. It didn’t happen and she’s still there.
So that’s that. There’s been nothing but drama and fallouts with different family members and she’s always the instigator and has nothing to do with the fallouts.
She won’t have me and middle sis at her house for birthdays or Christmas, only gc is allowed.
The whole family have commented over the years about the different way she’s treated us to gc and gave up because dm takes tantrums and cries and rages.

Me and middle sis were sexually abused by one of mothers brothers. It all came out and nothing was done about it, we were even taken on holiday with him after that and he physically attacked me. I was a child.
Mother had said to my nan before they went for a drink ‘don’t bring it up later because it’ll cause trouble’
Well nan did bring it up screaming that I must have asked for it. My dad attacked him and we came home that night, dm still rants that she lost three days of the holiday because my nan brought up my uncle giving me a kicking.
Thank you if you got this far.
I have so much anger but dm is now in her 70s and is more or less the same but mine frail so I’d feel guilty going nc now as much as I want to.

Theres a lot more but just wanted to get this out and hopefully understand my mind (and hers!)
She hates anything nice being said about me or middle sis or us having any good things happen, it’s like she’s jealous on gc’s behalf and she has to make shitty sly comments I just don’t understand that at all.

She hasn’t fallen out with her as such but she has nothing to do with her and slags her off constantly. I think she’s always hated me and middle sis having a relationship because it’s not all about gc.
Gc and middle sis never got on as gc would make up lies to get middle sis into trouble. Middle sis would have to take gc out with her and would have to be back by a certain time. Gc would refuse to walk up the road knowing middle sis would be in for it, this is the way she was and middle sis never forgave her for all this stuff, her attitude towards us never changed so middle sis and her never got on.
I think this is partly why dm has nothing to do with middle sis she doesn’t even know middle sisters youngest dc snd doesn’t see her other dc.
I feel really bad about it dm asks to meet me once a week, I spend as little time as I can with her and I feel so bad that middle sis is ignored I wish I could stand up to her. I’m in my 50s and still can’t stand up to an old woman.

@littleMillie I don't think you should feel any guilt for going no contact after what I just read! She deserves prison.

Dm had a fallout with nan a few years ago and her db who abused me got involved. So dm got another of her db’s to post a note through his door reminding him they knew what he done to me and ds.
Dm then called the police obviously saying she wanted to report something because they went to the house my dm was at. They told her this isn’t up to you the girls he abused would need to come forward.
When dm disowned me for ten years she was meeting middle sis now and again. She didn’t have gc around, disowned me so I guess this is why she showed middle sis a bit of interest.
I think she uses people.
My nan is similar so I think maybe dm gets it from her I don’t know. Nan never really has a good word for dm, gave her to family to bring up who spoiled her rotten then had 6 sons and kept them.
Both nan and dm seem to do cycles of hating different family members.

@littleMillie middle sis is better off out of the drama, she may feel left out but who needs that in their life.
Don't fall for the old lady shit, she didn't support you when you were a vulnerable child, extend her the same courtesy of indifference and neglect. Ditch the guilt she doesn't deserve you, they get worse with age, more entitled and bitter.
Personally I don't think having had a hard life gives anyone an excuse for cruel behavior especially not to children.

Nothing to feel guilty for little Millie she's come back because she wants a carer/companion, that's all. She's still as toxic and hasn't even attempted to apologize for before. Although what you've endured is beyond being fixed with an apology anyway.

I'd go NC again. Social services can provide carers if she qualifies and there's various social groups out there some specialising in old people. She can find company there. You're not depriving her of anything if you go NC, only of yourself and you're fully entitled to do that. You owe her nothing.

I'd also get a new phone number and don't give it to her and if possible I'd move house and not give her the new address. If she can't contact you, you don't need to stand up to her.

I've been directed to here from Elderly parents.
My father recently passed and since then the toxicity of certain family members has escalated to the point I have blocked 2 of them.
Family member number 1 tried taking my dads dog the DAY after he died.
Family member 2 threw a fuck load of abuse my way after I told them I wasn't going to lend them money to come back for the funeral. Said family member failed to return during the 6 months our father was dying, yet expects everyone to stop what they're doing to make sure he gets back for the funeral.
DD's father went on a crack binge, I got a call from the social. Apparently DXML also went crazy and smashed his room up in fury.
I am surrounded by toxic crazy people that make me physically unwell.

I'm told this is the place to be.

Thanks again for the replies. It feels strange seeing it written down it makes it more real.
She doesn’t need any care or anything yet she’s still fit and active but I know it’s coming given her age. I feel she’s keeping in with me for this purpose and I feel awful for thinking it.

I met up with gc last year in a restaurant to swap Xmas presents and for the first time ever dm wasn’t with her, I think this was planned.
We sat down and gc went into an almighty rant about mt dd, middle sis then me. I was embarrassed as she was ranting and just sat there gobsmacked. She said ‘you know yourself I’ve always been close to dm, you and middle sis were always just thick as thieves and I said to dm at the end of the day I’ve had a beautiful relationship with you and my dd, and I think you and middle sis are jealous’
There is no jealousy, gc has her head in the clouds and has no social skills or manners it’s sheer annoyance we feel at the way she is with people and the way dm has treated us.
My df was sick to death of her, so many times he was going to leave home because of the way gc is and the way dm was with her and not allowing anyone to stand up to her.
My dd was enabling dm, he did anything for a quiet life and so gc because of dm thinks she was daddy’s little princess and me and middle sis are outsiders and never belonged. Df always had time for me and middle sis and dm hated it.
I could tell gc exactly what df thought of her but I’m not spiteful like that. It’s just so enraging because she’s convinced and she couldn’t be more wrong.

So I’m ready to repeat what gc has said the minute dm asks for help and I’ll tell her gc will have to come and do it. I’m not doing it.
I don’t take phone calls from her, if she was pissed at someone in the family she would ring me multiple times to rant and she’d be shouting at me the way she should be shouting at the person/s concerned the stress was awful and triggering.
few weeks later I told her the volume on my phone was broke so I can only text but I think she knows it isn’t.
And she won’t turn up at my house she thinks I’m always at my fiancés.
I don’t have her in my house as when my dear dog passed away she stood in my living room saying ‘It was harder for gc as she was on her own down south’ like it’s some kind of competition or something. I’ve not let her in since I make excuses, so this is why I just meet her.

Hi @JellyWellyBoots yep your aunt is bonkers, don't let her near your dads poor dog [exhausted waiting for someone to die]
We all have toxic family here, sounds like you have had your hands full but stood your ground.

Hi @JellyWellyBoots welcome to the thread.
Your aunt is ridiculous and a user.
I have no words regarding your brother. He sounds like a nightmare.

After all you've been through recently, the best course of action is exactly what you've done. Block, block, block.

I blocked both my sisters a couple of years ago. The difference in my emotional health is astounding.

Nobody needs toxic family members in their lives.

@binkie163 those are fantastic stories! They do LOVE the drama, don't they!

@Genuineweddingone oh my god, yes! She'd love the ‘revenge control’ played out in the media. Good on you regarding social media.

I was mulling over the weird behaviour of Hag (as you do) and I think the existence of her husband’s first wife would have offended her narcissistic self. She wouldn't have liked not to have been first. Despite wife number one having died very young of cancer leaving an orphaned child…actually, I'm surprised she didn't milk the ‘selfless stepmother’ act.

I feel sorry for Slave Son as he would have been forced to keep silent until he was 24 when he revealed the truth drunkenly to Mr Monkey (he was 14, his dad died when he was eight) Hag cut off contact with Mr Monkey’s paternal uncle over some slight we reckon as he became person non grata. So, the cousins and uncle he really loved as a child were never seen again. Awful, awful woman.

@TheShellBeach . Totally agree. @JellyWellyBoots they are hideous people. Blocking is a powerful tool.

@littleMillie your Golden Sister sounds like a nightmare. Your mother created her and allows no criticism which is pretty usual as GC is made in her image. All the horrible qualities passed on. Even though it's been horrible seeing Mr Monkey scapegoated by his newly deceased mother, MM is the sane one. You are, too. I'm so sorry about your dog. You are right not to have your mother in your house.

@littleMillie do not take on your mother’s care. I repeat do not. You owe her nothing. And narcissists and abusers do NOT get better with age. I've had three years of my vile recently deceased mother in law. The entitlement is off the scale and the abuse is horrific. Life your life for you. Huge hugs.

From the get go it's been horrendous.
For some reason I am the family fallback, I do feel taken advantage of. Last time I lent my brother money a week before Xmas and I didn't hear from him again.
I have always stuck up for him and stood by him, I saw another side to him last night. It was full blown narcissism. 'You've never know hardship' 'you don't like hearing the truth' 'you are going to lose everyone' 'you have an utterly selfish approach to life and think your emotions should rule over reality' 'you need to wake up and realise life isn't about how you feel' 'there's a lot more I could say about you right now but I won't'

I was in tears on the way to work and I was awake in the night. I have never done anything to him, I don't understand. A few months ago he wanted ME to decide whether or not he should come back to the UK to see dad.

My aunt is another story, she was so supportive right up until I couldn't cope with dad anymore. The morning after he died she was calling round family and moaning about how dad had promised her the dog. She told me I needed to consider that fact very carefully. My fathers best friend text me the morning after and said 'don't you think you should respect your fathers wishes?'.

Why am I surrounded by so many horrible selfish people? Why can't these people see what they are? Why do they always come for me? I just want to be left alone. I literally do nothing wrong and they just try to assassinate me.

I'm exhausted to the fucking bone. It's been a hellish 6 months and the nightmare won't end!!!

@JellyWellyBoots my sisters have said all that to me, almost word for word.

It's heartless and it isn't true.

And to me too. So weird how the script is so similar. It's nonsense

He messaged my sister saying he hopes we give him the send off he deserves.
He had every opportunity to sort out coming back. I messaged him at the end of January saying dad is nearing the end.

I will never understand why he turned on me the way he did, he has never spoken to me like that before which is why it upset me so much. He's always been a dick to my sister but never me until the other night.

I'm sick of people blaming me for not getting to see dad before he died.

Hi everyone,

I'm really sorry, I could write absolute novels about what's been going on recently but I won't because I want to ask about a specific problem I suspect others of you have struggled with?

I have had to miss/drop out of/otherwise not get so many things over basically my entire life and because I have so many and such severe and obvious mental health problems I generally cite those.

However, and I feel afraid and awful just writing this, almost everything about all these things has been caused and can be traced back to my mother or both parents. My eating disorder, definitely, and all the physical heath problems that come with it, my PTSD, my tendency to be abused or used or otherwise damaged by almost everyone else I come across, my depression, anxiety and OCD, I'm going to stop listing mental illnesses now, but also autism and ADHD I had to save up for and take the time to have diagnosed for myself have not helped and still go unrecognised by my parents who continue to be actively and particularly harmful due to these.

They've also either hindered me in things like my work goals, my academic ambitions and achievements and also taken credit for them - I basically feel I have nothing to call my own.

Anyway long story short. I am at the stage where I want to get back in touch with various people who might be able to offer advice and support with my career, my academic dreams and my recovery (not in that order, the recovery one is the most pressing one but as it's my psychologist I think she's going to be the easiest person to tell that I have missed my session because my mother screamed and made threats until I went to A&E for basically no reason and have now been sitting in a hospital bed also for no reason for several days because I was distraught when psych saw me and said I'd rather die than go home and after two straight years of ignoring this sort of thing they finally sat up and took notice).

My question is how do I even start overcoming the decades of conditioning that I don't deserve what I want to ask for in the first place, I'm annoying, I'm a liar, I'm making the whole thing up as an excuse for being a failure... I could go on. But more importantly, how do I describe how the abuse has caused me to get so trapped, so self-destructive, frankly so suicidal?

I don't even know if this is a legitimate question to ask. Sorry if not.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I would just keep reiterating the truth like a broken record.

If anyone tries to gaslight you going forward, just keep calm and say "that's not my recollection." Don't be drawn, don't be dramatic. Don't say more.

Good luck. You've got this.

I'm proud of you for trying to take control.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I understand this dynamic I think. I don’t have any answers though. It’s so difficult when they wreck your mental health and once you’re in breakdown mode, they have all the power because they convince themselves and everyone else that you’re the problem. I don’t understand why abuse causes self harm but I know the feeling of wanting to scrape my knuckles along a wall after I’ve been abused. But it just gives them more power and makes you look crazy. It’s messing up your self identity living where you are. You say that your recovery comes first but perhaps seeking advice about your career etc should be done first or at the same time? I don’t see how you can recover unless you either remove yourself from the situation or at least remove yourself mentally by building a strong identity that doesn’t involve your family. Sorry if I’m talking rubbish….I seem to have gone into counsellor mode!🙂

I’ve not been on here because I can’t keep up and I don’t like to keep dwelling. I’ve been completely isolated here with my mother and my brother is refusing to speak to me separately….I hear my mum on the phone to him and she sounds normal😬. I get the feeling that they all think I’m mental and a parasite and yet they seem to have forgotten that I’ll have to care for my DM. Already I’m chief entertainment provider / filler of the empty void in her brain / manager of psychotic episodes. After every one of her episodes, it’s all projected back onto me eg “Oh you’ll be ok once DS is back from uni….that’s your problem” I.e. “I’ve done nothing wrong, you’re impatient because you’re depressed”. I call it out every time but it’s pointless.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results.
I agree with @Trappedwitheviledna nothing will change while living in your parents home.
You are totally reliant on your parents.
Are you unable to explain this to your psychologist?
What about a hostel or halfway home with mental health support/assisted living to gain some independence and a phased return to work. Your current situation is not conducive to finding or holding down a job.
If you change nothing, nothing will change.