January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826?amp%3Bascsubtag=mnforum-

So... your dad was her enabler?

My mum does similar, @AristotelianPhysics. It has a very negative impact. I have had very minimal contact for five weeks now and I'm so much calmer. What do you do? Well, do you want more of the same? She clearly does.

@AristotelianPhysics it is SO hard to have a conversation with them. You can never get to the point and get a resolution, the talk themselves and you around in circles. My mum is the exact same. Its very frustrating.

Hi everyone
haven’t checked in for a while and it’s now six weeks since I’ve heard from my parents (acutely aware this is my doing) but they haven’t contacted me either
I don’t know what’s going to become of us as. I don’t think I want contact as there will be huge conflict and screaming and I will be told I am mentally ill etc rather than the ‘good girl’ who appeases my mother while she fires dirty looks and spits out vile

think I played ‘good quiet girl’ for so long that they are shocked now I am quiet and no longer there at all. It’s so sad though.

@AristotelianPhysics my mother did this too. Everything turned round and either about 'oh poor her' or accusing me and telling me I was an evil wicked child (think I was probably mid-30s). Then the father got on the phone shouting at me for upsetting the mother, and the pair of them treating me like a 6 year old and expecting apologies for upsetting them.
It strengthened my decision that I needed to go very low, and now non-, contact. My clinical psychologist said that they aren't capable of seeing things from any other viewpoint, and that they will never see me as an independent adult.
It's really hard because you'd like to think that you could have a rational conversation with them adult to adult, and be heard.

@AristotelianPhysics mine were the same, my dad listened, then my mum, they were very upset, we will sort it out. The next call from my mum 5 mins later was 'how could you be so awful to an old lady!' back to being victim and my being difficult. A massive argument started, I hung up and never spoke to her again.
I wish I hadnt bothered, it left me feeling angry and hurt for a while. Then I felt calmer, happier and remained NC. Its why everyone tells us 'dont have the talk' it never ends well and they turn it on us.
NC is only way to deal with them, they are bonkers. The being nice bit is all part of the game. It is exhausting so easier to not bother, you cant win.
@Ewoklady they will never accept you stepping outside your assigned role, it is not acceptable to them. They only want the good girl, compliant and useful. Its a no win situation for us.

I wanted to say a massive thank you to the posters who recommended books to me, I’m nearly finished with Adult Survivors of toxic family members by Sherrie Campbell and it’s been a great and very insightful read. Also found some podcasts with her on YouTube that were a great listen.

My mums a Narc functioning alcoholic with rapidly declining health and the abuse is getting worse and worse as times going on as she has nothing better to do them create drama.

I’ve gone as low contact as I can and it’s been now noticed, luckily I do have excuses that both of my DCs hobbies have really ramped up so I’m constantly “busy” now. Although I’m finding she’s going to new lengths to now get a rise out of me since I’ve lowered contact.

I was always very close to a family member and my mum absolutely hated it and was very jealous about our relationship. She died last year but every time I’ve seen mum recently she’s come out with some vile comments about her. I have completely ignored it and not responded at all and I’ve noticed she now repeats the same thing multiple times on multiple occasions to try to get a rise out of me. Never in earshot of others tho, it’s utterly pathetic. I know she’s doing it so I have a go at her then she can play the victim then my dad will make me apologise for it.

I’m very new to all this as I’ve only recently heard of the term narcissist and realised my mum is one alongside my ex husband so I’m keen to read up on it on how to put boundaries in place and how to cope with her as I’m not at a point that I can go NC at the moment.

Is copying a narc thing? Is it a trait? She knows it really annoys me and always has done it’s a bugbear of mine. Recently she’s really gone out of her way to copy so many things then rub it in. The more I nod and smile and say lovely instead of flying off the handle makes her go out of her way even more to copy me. I'm really struggling to cope with her at the moment

@Nationaltrustme
What a weird dynamic your mum has created! Do you have siblings? I wonder what her own family was like (not excusing her behaviour, I’m curious). Good on you on the breezy attitude. It’s the ultimate protective shield.

@YesIwillyesIwillYes
I think narcs sail through life not giving a fig about how their behaviour impacts on others. And we bear the impact. The Hag did the pity party constantly about how she was lonely - designed to guilt trip everyone - but she NEVER adjusted her behaviour from spiteful and abusive. My hairdresser saw her quite a few times SCREAMING at Slave Son in our local Tesco. I’m so sorry you’re struggling at the moment - I completely understand. Hugs.

@Genuineweddingone
Interesting conversation with a client (good friend) about a mutual friend whose daughter has the mother in law from hell who has done exactly what you describe. Her children were divided and ruled. Now they’ve compared notes, are tight knit and their mother HATES what’s happened. All her power has gone. Her son has confronted her on her dreadful behaviour to his wife. And hardly sees her now. You’ve taken your mother’s power over you and binned it. She’s fluctuating between behaving hideously and love bombing you. She just can’t cope, can she? SO HAPPY FOR YOU. Celebrate that life. This is what MM is doing, he has regrets of only getting to this now, but I’m of the opinion that no regrets and guilt is a pointless emotion when attached to his mum. She designed a shit life for herself.

@AristotelianPhysics
I’m glad you had a good chat with your mum. Sorry to say, but your mum is never going to take responsibility for the damage she did to you. Don’t meet up with her. Hard to do, but ignore the text and if your dad gets involved, she may force him to, but you have to do tough love with him, she is dragging you back into her power orbit. We will support you if you have a wobble. Going low contact is really hard, but it’s incredibly strengthening and empowering. Hugs.

@Ewoklady going low contact is really tough, but liberating. We are all here for you. I can’t believe the peace i feel with the ultimate no contact with Theatre Hag. It’s hard seeing Mr Monkey struggling with guilt over him going low contact with her, but I’ve told him she brought that on herself. We have to live a better life and help Slave Son (his brother, and basically, the Hag’s servant) to live a better life. A new start, a new flat that’s safe, seeing friends.

@PeoniesLilac
Read up on extinction rebellion - it’s what toddlers do when you stop bad behaviour. The narcs ramp it up when they know you’re taking away their power. The copying thing is competition. Keep away from her. They know their spite works and get a kick out of it. They are mentalists.

I just wanted to share here, because it's the only community that I know will understand, that I've just celebrated my one month anniversary of going NC with all members of my family of origin. I'm taking some time out to heal, to spend time with myself, and to think about how this changes how I move forward in life. I very rarely post here and frequently name changed (more a lurker) and wanted to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. We all count. We are all part of a party that no one wants to be invited to. We can get to the peace we deserve and always deserved.

Realised this was ambiguous. The time out isn't a temporary NC break, I've made clear it's forever. The time out is some time for me to process the impact on me. Absolutely never going back. Had been VLC for years.

Stuff is OK here. Mr Monkey is doing loads of admin and his boss is really supportive of him taking a fair chunk out of work til he gets better. He’s grieving the relationship he didn’t have.

None of his family is normal. Golden Boy, The Hag and Slave Son made him the whipping boy when he was growing up. But GB and SS are happy to leave him with all the admin.

The funeral is on Weds 13 March, he texted GB about it last night. No reply. I reckon GB will back out of attending. Mr Monkey believes he won’t do this. Well, if he rocks up he’s NOT staying here and I will have nothing to do with him. He’s going to be very surprised thar there’s nothing in her will for him. It’s been left to MM. Not a Fucking penny for Slave Son as he “was her step-son” according to her will. Nasty.

Hag really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't she?

There won't be much money when mum goes, but what it left will be divided between siblings.

As it should be.

As with Dad, it will all be left to me, but that's OK. I won't need to have anything to do with any of them afterwards.

I'm still not sleeping. Thanks peri menopause !

Friend coming over today which will be nice.

Morning all :)

I think I said this last time I replied, but I'm having a particularly low-energy period so I'm trying to reply as often as possible, but I apologise for focusing only on the most recent posts because it's a huge, complicated sad thread and I'm not an expert, just a sad exhausted person who is less knowledgeable than most here and definitely not a shining example of how to survive it and thrive :S hugs to everyone on here.

@AristotelianPhysics the good, but sad advice on here is generally not to confront, not because you don't deserve it or because it wouldn't be beneficial if it went well, but because given your opposite conversational number it will probably be horrible and futile. Most narcs are completely incapable of seeing themselves other than victims and paragons of virtue wronged by their horribly flawed children and everyone else in society who doesn't worship at their feet and take all their crap. I think you were very courageous to make those calls, and I'm assuming that it's after many abortive tries or years of wishing you could have that conversation in your head, and it's really sad it didn't work out well with your mother, albeit in a horribly predictable way.

However, in one respect it did go better than it could have done, and that's with your dad. I can't write that it's a positive that he listened and apologised, because it's a drop in the ocean compared to the whole of the rest of your life, but even having an enabler actually listen, admit what happened and their part in it, and apologise even in a limited way (strike that last one if he actually said "I'm sorry you felt that way" or similar because that's a classic way to say the word sorry while still blaming you and excusing themselves, and actually makes it worse). I don't know all the details of your situation but if there's a way to keep this sort of limited but positive engagement with your dad up without having to speak to or engage with your mother, I wouldn't rule it out - even a cordial but surface ongoing relationship PROVIDED it can be insulated from your mother might be more positive than NC? In most cases it's impossible to do this but NC isn't all sunshine and rainbows even when you're cutting off the most toxic, entrenched people in the world and if there's a less stressful alternative - grey rock for enablers? - I'd personally go for that but it's your choice.

Overall it's also your choice, with both parents. Your mother reacted in a way that will be so familiar to almost everyone who reads this. Your first instinct, to not want to talk and it seems to have space to think it over, sounds absolutely correct. She was using textbook narc strategies while she had you on the phone and as you describe it being awful and feeling like a twat, it was working. However, at least it was on the phone and you rightly had and used the option of walking away. I don't know what kind of person your mother is - she may be the type of person who won't let it go and will badger you and probably everyone she knows about this conversation, making sure everyone sees it from her point of view, in which case I would recommend just ignoring her for the foreseeable future. Or she might be the sort who is very insistent on finishing the conversation in the moment but the next day pretends it never happens (until she has reason to bring it up in the next argument to present you as awful and ungrateful). In that case, again maybe get back in touch if you want to, but definitely keep it surface level and grey rock.

Finally re the children, you'll definitely get better and more strongly-worded advice from other posters who are a) better advisors and b) actual mothers. It's a good maternal instinct to not want to deprive your DCs of their grandparents and a good example of filial piety to be reluctant to deprive your NM of her DGCs. But you do really need to watch closely and see whether your children are really benefitting from seeing her regularly or whether they're actually being drawn into toxic dynamics with her or even poorly treated. IME true narcs don't improve as they get older. They're probably nicer and sweeter to their grandchildren but that doesn't mean the DGCs get out unharmed. Best of luck to you.

@Ewoklady and @binkie163 re the "good girl" thing - that's so common. I feel like narcs think they are puppet masters or film directors or something and as soon as you don't play your part, you're evil or broken or wrong in some way. That part doesn't leave any room at all for what you are or what you want, or even what you value.

@PinkCherryBlossomTree99 I can really relate to your description of filling up your schedule to have an excuse to limit contact with your mother! [I wrote out a lot of boring personal details but they aren't really relevant, lol. I think the only thing you can really do is ignore any references to you not being in touch enough, etc. unless she really goes insane (my mother went to the lengths of calling my boss in working hours to complain that she was worried I was dead. She speaks to my grandmother daily and I'd been in touch with DGM that morning. My mother 100% knew I wasn't dead. She has also expected praise, gratitude and restitution for her noble decision not to hire a private detective to track me down after I went NC for a few months having been escorted to safety from their house by a police officer - again, won't bore you with the details of why). Provided that your mother doesn't act like that, you're not hers any more. You have your own life, you have people around you to support you, hopefully you'll have clearer and stronger boundaries soon, you have knowledge, and knowledge is power. And you've got DCs :)

Re the copying, I can't remember if you had an earlier post about that, but I think copying is a narc thing albeit not a universal narc thing. My mother does it to a ridiculous extent that would be comical if it weren't sinister and at this point for me, absolutely mind-bending. Examples I think I've shared on this thread was persuading a male friend to buy her a plastic duck because my firm gives employees commemorative plastic ducks for things like conferences, work milestones, Pride etc, and also putting a pile of jumpers on "her" sofa because the cat often sleeps on a pile of my jumpers on the sofa next to my room (this sounds like a stretch but she has a real bee in her bonnet about the cat preferring me and it was accompanied by a load of other similarly trivial copying). It sounds like your mother really wants to make herself feel like the bigger and better person when she's copying you. The only way I've found even to mitigate this behaviour a tiny bit is to hide things from my own mother so she doesn't realise or underestimates that something is important to me or that I even have or do the thing, if that makes sense.

@TheRealProfessorYaffle congratulations. It's always bittersweet to a certain degree but it is the right and strong choice that you've made, and I hope you'll be rewarded with a much healthier, more peaceful and happier future.

@MonkeyfromManchester just reading your recent posts is quite tiring. Thought about GB - I don't know if this is feasible for you, MM or both, but how about actually just completely ignoring him if he does turn up? I mean completely. If he was the true GB he's probably expecting everyone to be really interested in him and for his actions to have some impact. Even the HAG didn't pay him attention in the end, or at least not enough to think about the will. What a comedown it would be to realise he actually doesn't matter any more - he's as dead to you as his mother has apparently been to him for years.

@PeoniesLilac Read up on extinction rebellion - it’s what toddlers do when you stop bad behaviour. The narcs ramp it up when they know you’re taking away their power. The copying thing is competition. Keep away from her. They know their spite works and get a kick out of it. They are mentalists.

Think this is for @PinkCherryBlossomTree99. Flower confusion! 🌸

Thank you all so much
the narrative in my family is I am the only girl and look what I turned out to be (ie. I won’t act as skivvy)

@PinkCherryBlossomTree99 I also got the double whammy of alcoholic/narc mother. My mums behaviour got worse as she got older, even old and frail she was spiteful.

There are some good articles on the narc/alcoholic connection.

'NPD and AUD frequently co-exist and can increase the effects of each other. People with a pattern of narcissism often turn to alcohol to reinforce a false sense of grandiosity. People with AUD, also known as alcoholism, can display patterns of narcissism, including self-absorption and needing admiration.'

I always knew my mum was an alcoholic from very young age but only last few years realized she was a narcissist and it all made sense. Thats what led me to this thread. It was a relief to find I wasnt the only person dealing with it, it is embarrassing. My mum truly expected me to look after her in her old age/ill health, I was neglected and shamed as a child so I felt zero obligation for that. My father enabled her, I eventually went NC as last resort.

I realized on here that you cant deal with them, we all try! it is a superficial relationship based on their needs only. Boundaries are seen as a challenge.
The only successful boundary I had was moving abroad, then the telephone became her weapon of choice. Its a tough choice either way.

Recently i’ve spent more time alone and more time thinking, walking and just observing my feelings. This has resulted in daily crying! The crying (I think) has resulted in magically releasing tension, aches and pains in my body! I’m not sure what to make of it but it’s been a bit unexpected and good.

The more I read this thread, the more secure I feel in my decision to have gone NC with my sisters two years ago.

I think I've mentioned that the older sister's husband died just before Christmas.

One of my DC found out and let me know, and I felt nothing. No sorrow for my sister and no regret for the death of my BIL.

I did not contact my sister and I don't feel guilty about not having done so.

I imagine that both my sisters would have discussed this ad nauseam.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I mean as little to them as they do to me.

And maybe they're not interested in me if they can't try to demean and control me.

@tonewbeginnings I think we have spent so many years keeping a lid on our feelings that finding a calm release is cleansing. It is a lot to come to terms with xx
@TheShellBeach my mum died November, I was NC and can honestly say all I felt was relief that it was all over. I have a few friends who even though they know I was NC and why are still shocked I didnt go to funeral. Impossible to understand unless you have been through it.

I got a lengthy and quite nasty message off a cousin last night basically telling me that my mother has said I have physically abused her, shes had a black eye, I am PERMANENTLY drunk and possibly on drugs (she should see my fucking wages for fucks sake cos i cant afford drugs) and a load of other stuff. I voicenoted her and told her a few home truths and like an idiot I messaged the mother and cc'd in my siblings and asked for proof of the black eye etc.

I woke this morning to a couple of emails from her and one was that I contacted my step brothers and made a show of myself cos they want nothing to do with me. These are the lads that come to Ireland and stay in my home as recently as last month fyi. Another outlining that apparently in 2016 (8 fucking years ago) I attacked her in my home in front of my cousin who she named (he lives in australia and was not in Ireland then) and a whole load of other crap.

I think I might have to get a cease and desist letter sent. I am sick of her and her drama and lies. I want a peaceful life and sick of this crap. Any advice?

@Genuineweddingone

Honestly?

Ignore and block.

I realise that the temptation to respond and defend yourself is very much there. I understand that.

But they want a reaction. If they don't get one, they'll stop with their nonsense. It's a game, which they're playing to get a reaction.

Don't give them the satisfaction. Just ignore them completely.

I've realised (mostly thanks to this thread) that whatever my sisters say and do is entirely irrelevant. It will not change my life and it cannot harm me.

It's all just words, spoken to other people who I'll never see.

DH and I moved 550 miles away, seven years ago.

We're happy and we've got a lovely life here. We're really lucky.

I need to stop myself even from giving my sisters any space in my head.

I blocked them ages ago.

What they did (especially the older one) was impossible to forgive.

genuine wedding. Stop responding. Block your mum and cousin. Your mum wants you to reply so she's sending the flying monkey in the form of your cousin. By defending yourself, you are opening the door to her. If your cousin is being used by your mum this way, she obviously doesn't know you well. The time has come to go no contact. If she uses anyone else, don't reply. Block and ignore. They aren't worth it. They are meaningless in your life