January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826?amp%3Bascsubtag=mnforum-

@Genuineweddingone sorry you are going through a hard time. And yes you are 100% right we will go out of our way to ‘win’ back the man so to speak as we’ve learnt no boundaries or standards or anything growing up.

My parents did not meet my needs in anyway whatsoever plus I am the scapegoat/black sheep and always was…..from the things you have written I feel your family dynamics are very similar with siblings casting aspersions and looking down on us. I too was a single parent and I’ve had the same things literally word for word said at me or about me to others (the only difference being I was a teenager at the time). They still say it and think it about me now and I’m in a settled relationship, have a degree, had a career, have my own home, never claimed any help apart from child benefit in over 20years etc but in their heads I sponge off the taxpayers 🤷‍♀️. I will never ever be good enough in their eyes.

As for the men but It’s not normal behaviour, and in my case meant I was abused really badly when I was young by a number of men as I was clueless. Try to remember whoever he is he’s not worth all this heartache and you deserve MUCH MUCH better and that ladies like you and I have to learn to put ourselves first and set boundaries. (Also do not tell your family one thing about you splitting up or any of it as it will be used against you somehow later on) 💐

New here

anyone on for a long one ?
thank you for the advice here I got on other threads and to come here

I am in a bit of turmoil today. Over a long term issue with my parents (dm mainly)
years of criticism in childhood and now in my mid 40s we haven’t spoke for five weeks. It started in my early teens but I remember temper explosions from earlier years. She used to wait for me to come home from school and say I had a smell of vodka. I used to scrub the house to please her. When I had a party for my 13 th and asked a few friends over she shouted at me that I made her look stupid as she told everyone I had no friends. When I went off to uni I didn’t come back in the holidays but I did eventually return within a 30 min drive. We got on ok for years but always on her terms and when I got married she provoked dad and he ended up verbally attacking dh (after spoiling my hen and so on) She is very controlling and negative.

I suppose everything is about her and now I had my own life. She is really really hard. She is ill - on the strongest form of depression tables. Llies in bed all the time and doesn’t leave the house) so I feel bad but I can’t cope with her. Mean comments &
dirty looks when I visit. Then said I spoilt Christmas for my brother as he had to go to bed when I visited (as it reminded him of his failed marriage)

we went on a family break for new year and I sent her some photos of the grandkids and she never responded so neither did I make contact

what will happen next - who knows but usually she phones and says I am the reasons she wants to take her life. When I had my first child she said she forgives me for everything. She usually says they have only one daughter and this is how she is and they tell everyone about me. I don’t know why I am cut up in sadness and anger. I don’t want to be a bad person.

Tbry growing up with not being allowed to have any boundaries has such a dreadful lasting impact doesn't it. So strange how they can't see you for the successful adult you are now.

@user8800

I hear you on difficuit work things. If it's voluntary it can feel even more infuriating sometimes as conversations are less straightforward…

Sometimes the only way is out. That's a good and positive decision.

Hugs to you.

@Schneekugel
It feels like it’s two way and it's not. It's an imaginary two way relationship. It does end up with a life time of people pleasing. I can see it with Mr Monkey.

@tonewbeginnings
I'm so sorry to hear you've had a bad day. Hugs to you.
Self-esteem is shredded by these people. Mr Monkey has none. Mine is shredded from the last three years of it. I'm getting counseling as soon as this shit is over.

@Genuineweddingone

Awful. You need to switch off from the family drama. Don't take calls. Don't let your son take calls. You don't need to say to them ‘i’m not taking calls.’ just go silent. They are bullying you. They are projecting stuff on to you. Ignore.

You have upset the apple cart BIG TIME because you have stood up to your mum. You are so right to be furious and hurt - ignore. The family dynamics you describe are complex, so step out of range.

They are going to ramp up everything in the coming weeks. Be prepared. Reach out to friends who don't judge you, spend time with people who enrich you, do things that make you happy. Batten down the hatches. The tribe is here. Hugs.

@Tbry24
Thank you. I hope you start to feel better soon. Sometimes the body says ‘enough’ and it is a case of just stopping and resting. Our frantic society doesn't allow this, but it's vital.

@Ewoklady
Hugs to you, honey. Your mum is emotionally abusive. If that was a partner, your friends would say he / she was emotionally abusive. It is absolutely OK to not be able to cope with someone who is abusive. She is trying a number of tactics - verbal abuse, guilt tripping you, punishing you, martyrdom - to hurt you. It is not on. I've got a serious mental illness and I don't abuse my partner. Mental health might explain abuse, but it doesn't excuse it.

You need your mum to have access to you on YOUR terms. You don't need to take her calls, host her or visit her. You choose.

And this is the saddest bit, your mum isn’t going to send lovely messages when she gets photos from you because your mum is selfish. She knows by going silent on you that it's hurtful. Don't reach out to her. I'm so, so sorry you have this kind of parent.

Hag update.

Very sad and exhausted here with all things Hag aka the MIL. This is the worst bit, just waiting for her to die. She's very weak now, just whispering - just had an upset text from Mr Monkey.

I doubt a hospice bed will come in time. TBH, all the upheaval won't be good for any of us as it’s just another fucking thing to deal with, another taxi fare, more time doing admin, more family conversations. Just no.

Mr Monkey is devastated. I wonder whether he's also grieving for his dad (who died when he was eight) as he wasn't able to grieve by order of his mother the Hag. Yes, she forbade that. I know there was no support for him in the dysfunctional family from hell. But right now, I don't have the energy to have a big conversation about that aspect of the family from hell.

I've got SO much work and college homework and I'm skint. Just taken on a new contract which is probably the dimmest thing to do, but seriously stressing about £.

I'm actually scared what will happen to us after this shit is over as I've been so fucking tough backing him constantly for the three years since it really kicked off that I'm absolutely exhausted.

I feel very, very angry today. Even when she's a vulnerable very weak old lady in a hospital bed - no longer being spitedul, which she was doing until five days ago - the repercussions are huge. Total shit show.

My advice is step away from the abusers before they get old.

If you can't go no contact, make sure to nail the boundaries. Do not take on tons of care and duties. We have actually got a lot of outside help in place because we could see what was coming our way and it's still hell.

Exhausted.

Thank you monkey
I feel more angry now than sad

@mm
You need to look after yourself, my love.

MrM may well need lots more therapy - I'd suggest he checks out info on complicated grief.

The poison these people exude is so far reaching its scary.

Lots of love to you and Mr Monkey, you'll need a holiday at home to just rest and recover once everything is done and you're on the other side.
I'm reading and thinking about everyone who is posting but work mad so not keeping up with posts as much as I'd like to.

MonkeyfromManchester 💐 he's probably grieving the mum he should have had and it'll bring back memories of his dad too. Please look after yourself too. You need rest as much as Mr M. All my best wishes

@MonkeyfromManchester Same thing happened with my late MIL...there were plans to move her to a hospice, she died before it could happen. The preceding 18 months, when she was terminal were the longest of my life....especially as myself and ex husband had already split up (literally the same week she was diagnosed).

My advice is step away from the abusers before they get old

I remember my psychiatrist saying much the same thing to me 30 years ago. Best advice I've ever had. I live on the other side of the world from my mother...my younger brother has now moved in with her to be her carer - I do have the odd moment of guilt about that, but I remind myself that I'm not responsible for any decisions except my own. Out of the 3 of us, he was always the one who could cope best with her narcissism - I call him Teflon Man.

Thinking of you and MM.

@Ewoklady you are not a bad person. Your mother is abusive, my experience is they are abusive however kind you are to them. You can not please people like your dm it isn't possible. It is her choice to behave like that, it absolutely is not your doing.
@Schneekugel read the boat rocking thing. She behaves that way because it works. A little nudge in boat and everyone jumps to steady it, your mum is addicted to rocking the boat and the constant attention it gives.
@MonkeyfromManchester not long now, you know it will be darkest before the dawn, it may take mm a few months but then freedom x

I will read back in the next day or so and see if I can help anyone but I am exhausted right now.

@MonkeyfromManchester as always my thoughts are with you and mister monkey. Its a very difficult time for you all. He has to grieve for the mother he never had along with the mother that is about to leave him. It cannot be easy on any of you. x

Monkey I hope you'll be ok and you don't both completely unravel. You've had an awful time these past years and I know myself that when I've been under immense pressure and it stops I get ill. Like my body holds it together until it doesn't have to any more, then falls apart.

I shall do my best to heed all the warnings about age and infirmity. I already dread being called to the deathbed when the time comes.

Interestingly I have a silent parent at the moment too Genuinewedding and it never occurred to me either that this may be designed to hurt me, after I called them out on something. It's not hurting me because I don't care and I'm glad of the silence, but that's not the point.

Hmm, a manipulative attention junkie, that does make some sense Binkie and fits with other aspects of their personality.

User it does feel like my life is being poisoned, that's a good way of putting it. Even the obvious and incincere extra-niceness that sometimes happens feels like poison.

Does anyone else feel as if they've fallen out of love with some of their family? To me it feels like when you know a romance is over and the relationship is unsalvagable.

I am not even sure I like mine let alone love them. I love my friends, they are the most supportive positive amazing people but my family I can actually live without.

I couldn't properly take in this post the other day Sicario because my first thought was that I'd rather do the parachute jump, despite having no training at all and maybe dieing on landing due to this. Which is completely and utterly messed up.

Maybe I should go NC with them all because I'm already keeping those I do like at arms length in case my news gets back to those I don't like.

@Ewoklady you are right to be angry. Nobody here judges you for that. Hugs.

@user8800 thank you do much. He's checking out counselling via the hospital. His entitlement for paid for therapy begins again in April. It's for trauma and CPTSD. The charity he works for us amazing with all the senior management supporting him. They just give him the time off.

@Parentalalienation
Thank you. We need a holiday when this is over.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand thank you. That's absolutely it.

@FreeRider exactly. The last three years have been hortrific. Mr Monkey has had this shit all his life. Her mask slipped with me in Jan 2020. Some of her behaviour to me has been disgusting. Your psychiatrist was absolutely right. Caring for the twats compounds everything.

@binkie163 thank you do much. It's going to be hell, but well get through it.

@Genuineweddingone that’s exactly it. And thank you. Hope your day is better today. So glad you have great friends.

@Schneekugel thank you. I'm holding it together, but exhausted. My bioolar hasn't flared up, thank God. That's MM’s big fear. She wouldn't give a fuck about that. Definitely don't get involved with her aging. They don't improve with age, the manipulation and selfishness gets worse. The Hag has played withdrawal, mainly, around kicking off about events like refusing Xmas with us in 2020. I think she expected us to grovel. After her behaviour, there was no way that we were going to get. Fuck that. Do end contact with them as it’s a way of game playing anf control.

Fucking hell. We've just had a call from the discharge team at the hospital. . NOW they are thinking about discharging her to a nursing home, not a hospice. Does that imply she's not at death’s door. They haven’t even started researching hospices and accessing £. Yesterday MM went to see her, she could barely speak. And now they are thinking nursing homes. They actually asked, could she go home? With carers calling four times a day. SERIOUSLY. NO, SHE FUCKING CAN’T. SHE WILL DEMAND CARE FROM US. SHE WILL TRY TO COME HERE. FUCK THAT.

They are reviewing her on a day to day basis.

Just add more stress to a shit situation.

I asked what do they do if she refused to go into nursing home. It was as if no one has ever asked that question.

WTAF.

"We've just had a call from the discharge team at the hospital. . NOW they are thinking about discharging her to a nursing home, not a hospice. Does that imply she's not at death’s door. They haven’t even started researching hospices and accessing £. Yesterday MM went to see her, she could barely speak. And now they are thinking nursing homes. They actually asked, could she go home? With carers calling four times a day"

Its the cheaper option re the carers so one they will start with. I was not surprised that you were asked that question. It goes without saying MM and you need to keep on saying no and do not let them guilt trip you otherwise.

Nice Aunt is on this regimen of carers (and I use that word advisedly with them visiting 4 times a day for a grand total of about 15 minutes) and its not working for her either. Its shit and I hate to see a woman who I think the world of like this. Dumb and Dumber are actively wanting to keep her out of a care home primarily due to their inheritance shrinking as a result. They really could not give a shiny shit about their mother who they are frightening and otherwise brainwashing in front of our very eyes.

Hospice is for end of life care and the demand for such places is very high. Hag does not meet that criteria in their eyes. Hopefully the staff will find a nursing home place and in the meantime she will remain in hospital. She's is no fit state to go home.

They won't be able to send the Hag home, Monkey, without your agreement to do the caring. So just keep saying no. It's always the option they start with.

Once they find that they've hit a brick wall with that, they'll look for nursing homes.
With any luck, she'll have died before they find one for her.

@MonkeyfromManchester got my tin hat on. I suspect the constant stream of visits and phone calls shows the hospital that there is plenty of family support. As Attila said they are looking for cheapest, fastest exit from hospital.
My mum last hospital visit she had no visits or phone calls for 4 weeks [as I was NC] even dad didn't visit. She went straight to nursing home for her final days, with no visits. Sounds mean but everyone had had enough, this had been going on 10 years.
They will have no problem kicking her back to her flat as family close by. I doubt they care if you visit or not, it's not their problem.
Hag had visits most days in hospital they will conveniently assume it will continue at home. Even involvement with SW is showing interest in her care. Hag also has capacity to refuse a home, she knows mm & ss won't desert her.
Sad to say none of my family took any calls from hospital, SW or care company at the end.
The other problem is her behavior, no nursing/care home wants rude, disruptive customers, she doesn't have dementia so a specialist placement not on the cards.
Rock and hard place.

I honestly wouldn't worry about that development.

Hospice places are so limited. If she's got a month, she's not actively dying and so doesn't meet criteria.

Many, many nursing homes are excellent at end of life care. Because they have nurses on shift all the time.

I'm 36. I was in a nursing home for a month after a hospital discharge because my previous home couldn't accommodate my new needs.

The care was exceptional. I missed my husband terribly because he couldn't visit, but honestly I couldn't have asked more of the staff.

Just make sure monkey that it is a nursing home, not a care home. There's a distinction.

I agree with pp @mm

Make sure it's a nursing home, not a care home (a care home will just panic and keep phoning 999!)

And practise saying "unsafe discharge" "vulnerable adult safeguarding" "potentially dangerous"...and repeat

Deep breaths xxx

Monkey if she has capacity she can refuse to go into a nursing home. She can't choose to stay in hospital. She'll be discharged with carer's. Hospital don't want to do hospice, it sounds like NHS would fund that, social care is funded by the council, so the two argue over what should be provided and will end up giving the minimum. She may be dying but hospice is only for those close to it, perhaps she's got a little longer. More likely she's a PITA anyway and they need the bed back, they always need the bed back. She can refuse carer's if allocated and they may be insufficient care anyway. Hospital don't want to consider your questions because it means not foisting care onto you. The one thing she can't do is demand you or any of her relatives provide care for her in any form including arguing with social services that she should have more. She'll have a social worker and can contact them herself or her carer's can. She can have falls alarm linked to golden boy or maybe her social worker, assessment by occupational therapy for hand rails etc. There's no need for you to be involved in any of it, especially since more than 4 carer's a day means going into a home and she'll refuse that, so what would you be fighting for? I would prepare yourselves for her deciding to return home and effectively commit suicide by self neglect. She's a monster

@AttilaTheMeerkat
@TheShellBeach
There’s no way on fucking earth she's going home. It's not suitable. NO, NO, NO we are not picking up the care. MM works full time, I work full time. MM & i gave poor mental health and Slave Son has a serious disability.

@attilla
I am so sorry about your aunt. Her sons are just money grabbing shits.

Yep about hospices despite the medical staff saying it was an option. The discharge team are muppets.

@binkie163 I think it's more a case of bed blocking. We’re not taking her care on. End of. I cited social services neglicence last time and I will do again. I'll go back to the social workers. I can't wait to roll up my sleeves on this one and challenge the dicks. Could send her up to Scotland to live with Golden Boy. We are not doing it and they can't force us.

@spencer0220 they said 24 hour care, not a care home. Thank goodness.

@user8800
Those are the exact words I used when they kept preparing her for hosppital discharge before Xmas when she had her lung infection. Each time they mentioned discharge to slave son he didn't know what to do. Of course, he didn't. I was straight on the phone refusing care and using that vocabulary. They soon stopped.

@Schneekugel

I'll maje social worjers do guardianship. Discharge team said she’ll stay in hospital if she refuses. We’re refusing to pick up care. It's a huge risk, even if we wanted to. They said they are reviewing her day by day and whether she's safe to move. Mr Monkey thinks she won't refuse. IDIOT. I'm a realist.

Having said that, I think she's close to death with every day that passes.

She's so out of the loop with social workers that she wouldn't be able to contact them, even if she could, they are very clear on the fact that we are not picking up care. I'm going to contact socisl services again today. Alarm is linked to the company, thank God. She wanted it to be us, we refused.

No way is she going home and no way are we doing care. She's obviously been whining to them that she wants to go home. The stupid discharge team woman was going to me “it’s about what mum wants” FUCK THAT SHIT. She can go into a fucking nursing home.

I remember a lovely friend at 42 his lungs collapsed, only 10% capacity. He went into hospice on permanent morphine. They spoke to me and said maximum stay was...... he only had few days of hospice left and would have to go back home if not dead by then. He lived alone and needed full care. Luckily he did pass away but wtf they would have sent him home. Unless people have dealt with this stuff they have no idea how hard it is to navigate.
@AttilaTheMeerkat words fail me, poor lady.

MonkeyfromManchester that's crazy! A woman who is dying and they want to send her home to die alone! Of course they are banking on family dealing with it. I'm having to apply for guardianship for mum, as I've said before, and the social worker has said it'll be six months to a year for it to be in place, regardless whether it's them or me. So I wouldn't expect social work to do anything quickly, I'm afraid. Just keep on saying no and unsafe discharge. It just adds to the stress though, doesn't it?