Last minute cancellation. Take it at face value or throw this one back?

[Itslegitimatesalvage]

I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and last weekend, we spent the night together for the first time. Been chatting everyday like normal but didn’t see each other over the weekend for the first time since we started dating. Arranged to meet after work today, so I drove half an hour into the city to meet him. I was waiting in a coffee shop around 400 meters from his flat, when he messaged to say he’d been in a bad mood since getting soaked going to work that morning and wouldn’t be good company so would it be ok to cancel. I couldn’t exactly argue with him or say he had to come so I said that’s fine and just went back to the car and drove home, but being a few minutes walk from
his flat and told to go home… that’s a hard rejection to swallow. I don’t know whether to let it go and take it as he said; just a bad day or if this is a bit too far to cancel like that. Should I start to distance it, leave it now?

And this is what having zero standards looks like. You twist things around until disrespect looks like good communication, and immaturity looks like honesty, and this dickhead looks like a troubled hero in a romantic comedy. Three years later and you can't understand why you're depressed and your boyfriend never makes any effort and you're always walking on eggshells trying not to upset him. Because you chose to overlook all the red flags he was waving and force yourself to see green.

OP, you're not throwing away a good thing. You're choosing yourself over a man who treats you disrespectfully. Good for you.

Urgh, what a prince.

I can forgive anyone cancelling for any reason because I'm prone to a last minute mood change. HOWEVER he knew you were already there? Under those circumstances that's outrageous. Bin.

Good luck OP.

I think you’re right op. I bet he comes after you now though. Well he certainly will if he’s the type who enjoys the chase.

He had all day to cancel but he waited until she was at the pre arranged meeting venue to tell her he couldn’t be arsed because he got wet that morning.

Extreme? Not at all. She’s got standards

You're doing the right thing to ignore him, block if he keeps messaging you, which may happen.
He's a lazy selfish twat that couldn't be bothered to see you, if you had offered to go to his for sex then I'd doubt he would of turned it down, now you've spent the night once, he thinks he doesn't have to put effort into dates, so you did the right thing to go home and no contact.

Also, did he know you were there waiting?

He wasn't sick, he was just moody. He put his own feelings over the fact that you had arranged childcare and driven for 30 mins. It will only get worse. Well done for not wasting any more of your time

Wow how rude of him! I'd be very hurt that he did that to me, like I don't matter. I'd ignore him and never message back again. I wouldn't do a mean message, just ignore him because he wouldn't be worth any more of my time. You're worth so much more than that, throw him back to the sea and get someone better. You deserve so much better.

I absolutely agree with this.
People do have different ways of looking at things, different life models, different priorities. You might find that if you were to have done the same to him, he genuinely might not mind. Just because your values don’t align perfectly initially, doesn’t mean that they never will. A person who is willing to reevaluate and modify once they realise it’s important to someone else, is a person worth not just ghosting. I’d certainly at least have the conversation with him and see if there’s any potential for understanding.

Omg your standards must be really poor if you’re happy to accept that sort of behaviour! Maybe op can give you his number - I’m sure you’d both get on like a house on fire! Him sitting on his arse while you go running all the way over to him only for him to wait all day and then cancel on you whilst you’re there! Because he’s in a bad mood from getting soaked in the morning and all that jazz!! I mean, that’s not cruel at all is it! But apparently ghosting some low life who treats people like this is so cruel!!!

It’s not about if OP really likes him or not, or if her pride is wounded or not! It’s how HE has treated her in return, after getting what he wanted From her might I add!!! He let her drive for half an hour over to him whilst he sat on his arse knowing full well she was on her way and then cancelled on her knowing she would be sat there waiting for him and he only had a few yards to walk to come and meet her! Now THAT is extremely cruel and deserves ghosting! Not just in my opinion but the opinions of many posters on this thread!!

Please stop twisting the scenario around to suit your own narrative!

This. And I was going to say the exact same. We slept together on the first date. Woke up the next morning, he brought me breakfast in bed, we spent the day together and haven't looked back since! Doesn't make an ounce of difference in my opinion. If they're going to treat you like shit they will do regardless.

I’d have messaged “sorry I haven’t slept with you sooner, I wouldn’t have waisted so much time” but after reading @Mumofteenandtween’s post I think hers is better😀
It happened to me once to have to meet a woman colleague on my lunch break and she did not show up. Said she was going to be late for starting her own work if she did. I was really annoyed and my message to her did convey that. I felt straight away she was a behaving like a player. She said I was too serious and she is just very easygoing, can’t remember the exact word she used. I let it slide me being stupid; we’ve been NC for about 3 years now and recently found out she was moving back to her home country. I was really thinking of sending a good luck no resentment on my part message but your post op made me remember one of the main reasons we’re NC. I don’t think a flaky leopard will ever change their spots.

Oh my god, I am annoyed for you! I don't usually condone ghosting but I wouldn't hesitate to ghost in this situation.

Ever since you spent the night together, there has been a change in energy and unfortunately it appears that he's got what he wanted and now is doing the slow fade (but making it really obvious in the process!). Please do not feel bad about this, certain men will behave in this manner after a night together regardless of how long you waited.

Leaving you waiting in the cafe with a pathetic excuse about the weather is just testament to his poor character and the disrespect is off the scale! Chuck him back and don't look back!

I actually think he deliberately left it last minute to piss you off hoping you'd ditch him because he's got what he wants now and ready to move onto the next!

Really sorry you've been treated this way though OP. Some people have absolutely no shame.

Just joining the chorus of people saying well done. I feel like this thread should be pointed to whenever a woman is unable to put normal boundaries in place. As others have said, cancelling wasn't the issue. But cancelling at late notice when you'd made the effort is 100% unacceptable.

@MyBigFatGreekSalad that's it! He wanted to piss OP off so she would call it off. He's a low creature. OP, block, delete and move on

I agree with pps - I wonder if it was a "set-up", to test your boundaries...there's some odd people out there, and maybe he's looking for someone he can manipulate and dominate in a relationship?

Specifically encouraging you to come out of your area with a nice plan, then cancelling with a flimsy excuse....it sounds like a shit-test.

I wouldn't send a long expressive message or any information as that would just fuel the flames. And he'll probably lie loads anyway or pretend he's gutted just so he can reel you in again.

I'd either quietly block, or if he messages read and not reply.

I also wondered if it was a test, actually. One of the biggest things about my early relationship with my now DH was the complete lack of game-playing. It was such a relief and a joy after so much pointless nonsense in previous relationships.

I think that often these aren't conscious tests. But it's based on a basic world view in which he thinks his needs and desires are more important and more relevant and whether he realises it or not, doing things like this is testing whether a potential partner will agree with him or not.

It's like disappearing because you need "space" after an argument. The person doing it might think it's perfectly reasonable, but actually, what they're doing is setting the stage for a long term relationship in which the other partner is constantly on edge waiting to be ghosted if they say or do the wrong thing.

TiredButDancing

nailed it 100%

and he’s started strong 💪

Nah I doubt it, not in this situation. I agree with you for the most part but I dont think it’s the case for this particular situation. He knew op was travelling over to him! If he really cared about the op then he would have met up with her. Using the excuse that he’s in a bad mood from getting soaked in the morning when he’d had all day to recover and get over it and even if he hadn’t he could have messaged op earlier to tell her he didn’t feel up to meeting. Instead he let her arrange child care, allowed her to travel and still couldn’t be arsed to get his backside out of the house to see her knowing she was only a few yards away from him! That’s just nasty.

In normal circumstances I think it’s rude to ghost someone you’ve had a date with but in this case I make an exception.

He couldn’t even be arsed to let her know earlier in day or walk 400 years - nah fuck that. Typing a message is far more effort than this one’s worth. If he doesn’t know basic manners at 42, telling him where he went wrong is a waste of time.

Get it in classics

@Mumofteenandtween good response.