Last minute cancellation. Take it at face value or throw this one back?

[Itslegitimatesalvage]

I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and last weekend, we spent the night together for the first time. Been chatting everyday like normal but didn’t see each other over the weekend for the first time since we started dating. Arranged to meet after work today, so I drove half an hour into the city to meet him. I was waiting in a coffee shop around 400 meters from his flat, when he messaged to say he’d been in a bad mood since getting soaked going to work that morning and wouldn’t be good company so would it be ok to cancel. I couldn’t exactly argue with him or say he had to come so I said that’s fine and just went back to the car and drove home, but being a few minutes walk from
his flat and told to go home… that’s a hard rejection to swallow. I don’t know whether to let it go and take it as he said; just a bad day or if this is a bit too far to cancel like that. Should I start to distance it, leave it now?

Fwiw I think you’re handling this really well. Stay strong, communicate your boundaries, and see how he reacts.

A poster on this thread got slated for responding with a paragraph about how everyone deserves a second chance etc and if it were them they would look beyond it when the OP was hell bent on not even dignifying the situation with a response.

Now it appears the OP has jumped ship… if he valued any part of you that day he would have given you more.

Please let us know what petulant episode he goes through next as you’ve just given him the green light to behave a certain way. Good luck.

Good Luck, think you, ll need it!

OP you didn't owe the thread an update or explanation but thank you for coming back to update in any case. I do think MN likes everything to be very black and white, and you're right, things don't happen in a vacuum, I can see how he fucked up without there being shitty reasons behind it. No need to give up on something that was previously so good. So I'm wishing you good luck, but with encouragement not cynicism

Yeah
i took my ex back far too many times !

sometimes the heart wins , that’s life !

ignore people spouting shit such as
Please let us know what petulant episode he goes through next as you’ve just given him the green light to behave a certain way. Good luck.

This is real life and you don’t owe anyone anything
Just look after yourself

Good luck op. I also think you'll need it.
I know it feels like you should give someone a second chance, but really, he's already shown you who he is and I'd be surprised (and pleased) if he really is as genuine as you think he is.

You don't owe anyone here an explanation OP, just do what makes you happy and stay alert!

Op, the more you give info on this man the more I hope his doesn’t start with C and his home town is not made of 2 words.

Good luck!

He might just have some communication issues, and you don’t know each other very well so that might be a factor in how he behaved. But the alternative is that he is thoughtless and prepared to mess you around. I hope that it’s the former. I would take things slowly with him and if your instinct tells you, walk away.

Ah, thanks for the update OP, obviously you didn't owe anyone an update but I think everyone appreciates one.

I was a bit sad reading your updates. As I was reading your thread, I was thinking 'this is brilliant, a woman who knows her worth and won't put up with this shit', but it appears you've decided to give him another chance.

As they say, when someone shows you who they are you should listen. And this guy has shown you that, at best, he's a shitty communicator and, given that so many relationship issues are the result of poor communication, then it's not a great start really.

Had he mentioned his mothers illness prior to this?

I do hope it was just a blip and he's not actually the pathetic loser he made himself out to be purely because you sound so lovely

I wouldn't accept being treated like that because his mum is being monitored in hospital and he got wet in the rain.
He's an adult. Hell no.

Up to you though.

@MyOodieIsAGoooodie Agreed.

I can't imagine how many people have made a decision based on advice given on here.

At best he’s extremely selfish and self-absorbed. Even if he was really worried and upset regarding his mother, he should have pre-empted you coming or gone to see you at the very least when he knew you were there after you’d arranged childcare and driven all that way to see him. That’s clearly him prioritising himself over you - his feeling upset/ ‘in his head’ (never heard that phrase before) above your massive effort and feelings of humiliation and rejection.

At worst it’s a massive lie stretching the truth in order to explain his narcissistic juvenile behaviour, as you’ve made it clear he’s overstepped the mark and he’s had to plausibly justify what he’s done, which he has successfully it sounds. If this is him buying time to keep you interested and in effect ‘breadcrumbing’ you then sooner or later he will give the game away.

I’ve added a link to what breadcrumbing is, if you’re unfamiliar with the term - Good luck OP!

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a46189627/what-is-breadcrumbing/&sa=U&sqi=2&ved=2ahUKEwjPk8bW2YSEAxUsWkEAHcWmBTMQFnoECBAQBQ&usg=AOvVaw3eFMQKc98JauO81Cha7eAh" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">What

@Itslegitimatesalvage

As far as I’m aware, it wasn’t bad sex. It was quite a few hours of it and both seemed pretty happy.

What!!!! Hours? I've never looked at the clock tbh but I'd say 30 min would be a lot 😂😂

😂I’m glad you said that! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OP, you obviously like him and want to give him a chance. We've all done it - seen a red flag and let it go because we like the guy and want to believe that he's the good guy he initially presented himself as.

All I would say is that once you've let one thing go, it makes it much harder to walk away the second time. And if you don't end it the second time he does something shitty, then it's much, much harder to leave the next time. And so on. You can get trapped before you know it.

Disgusting

It is disgusting I agree 100% .

Some posters seem to forget advice is just that. Advice .

The woman isn't obliged to do as she's told on here! No wonder posters often vanish from their threads when they get turned on for the heinous crime of disobedience.

Is she making a mistake? Tbh I think probably yes although obviously I hope not.

Is it entirely up to her? Fuck yes. It's her life.

People have got to stop thinking that an op is required to follow their 'advice' or they've got the right to turn on them.

Full transparency, I've fallen into that nasty little trap in the past myself on here. Seen a description of a situation that is clearly going to end badly and got frustrated when the op couldn't see it and told them I hoped I was wrong but I genuinely feared they'd be back in the end saying how it had gone exactly how posters had speculated it would go and that if it did, to please not feel embarrassed to post for support.

But when they came back months later and posted how they wished they'd listened to the advice, was I happy that they'd suffered because they had not chosen to follow people's advice? Did I go haha I told you so! ?

No. Because I'm not a fucking psychopath.

But why keep dating him?
You’ve only known him a month, he’s treated you appallingly and he has lots of issues.
Why give yourself this hassle? Surely you know you deserve better, right? Set your bar higher.

My friend was dating a guy for well over a year. He has never had kids and I get the impression he lives in his own little bubble. His communication was terrible - wouldn't confirm plans and then just 'turn up' without confirming or arranging a time. He seemed to think he was a free spirit with no real understanding of responsibility. I only mention this because this guy has never had kids so it could be highly likely he is similar. Not defending him by the way, as this is no way to treat someone.

Him cancelling after your agreed date time was bad enough to get dumped.

But the fact he was all breezy the next morning messaging you and didn't take responsibility for his actions, or even acknowledge them, would be the biggest red flag for me.

He didn't own up, apologise or even acknowledge his actions until you called him out? so he hadnt even considered them and was quite happy to carry on as if nothing had happened?

that would tell me everything i needed to know 🚩

I think you did really well, OP. It's easy to say LTB but we all know chemistry doesn't grow on trees. Hopefully showing him that you have some self respect will set you on a healthier path with him in the relationship. In my dark nights of "shoulda woulda coulda" I agonise over all the times I just swallowed a grudge instead of taking a stand. Hope it works out for you.

I’ve been curious for an update OP - hope everything has worked out?

I didn’t see your comment until I went looking for another thread I started!

I know this isn’t exactly a big deal, it’s just relationship stuff but this thread was really helpful for me. It’s hard dating after being a single mum for such a long time, so getting perspectives from people here was really useful.

So, update! It’s been wonderful. I don’t have the easiest time with the kids and my ex not being consistent, and he has been so patient and fits in around that stuff. And he’s just been there, we haven’t had any other weird moments or wobbles. It’s just been so relaxed and playful and lots of laughing. He hadn’t been dating for a while either and he admitted it was just carelessness and not thinking and wasn’t the right way to treat me etc. I’ve gotten to know him a lot more, and spending a lot more nights and days together and seeing who he is… he’s a good one.

I’m glad I gave it a chance. Thanks for all the advice, it was all useful. Those agreeing that I shouldn’t have seen him again did help me be more wary and actually pay attention to the little things he did.

Brilliant update op . I haven't commented before now but for some reason I was hoping you'd give him a chance to see if he could make up for his mistake. Thanks for coming back to let us know