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Original poster

Last minute cancellation. Take it at face value or throw this one back?

302 replies

Itslegitimatesalvage · 22/01/2024 21:06

I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and last weekend, we spent the night together for the first time. Been chatting everyday like normal but didn’t see each other over the weekend for the first time since we started dating. Arranged to meet after work today, so I drove half an hour into the city to meet him. I was waiting in a coffee shop around 400 meters from his flat, when he messaged to say he’d been in a bad mood since getting soaked going to work that morning and wouldn’t be good company so would it be ok to cancel. I couldn’t exactly argue with him or say he had to come so I said that’s fine and just went back to the car and drove home, but being a few minutes walk from
his flat and told to go home… that’s a hard rejection to swallow. I don’t know whether to let it go and take it as he said; just a bad day or if this is a bit too far to cancel like that. Should I start to distance it, leave it now?

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/01/2024 09:22

I would either tell him exactly why I didn't want to see him again, politely but bluntly, or I would say nothing, as OP has decided. I think it's pretty poor that he cancelled a date for such a crappy reason. He plainly is still interested but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who thought it was ok to bail like that for no reason at the eleventh hour.

PS I am married to the only one night stand I ever attempted. If the relationship is right, it's right whether you go to bed together the first night or six months in. If it's wrong, it's wrong either way too.

1983Louise · 23/01/2024 09:24

Everyone's going to hate me but I'm older than you and look at things differently, I'm always surprised how quickly people say dump him. If you take a step back and think about your relationship, do you really like him, have things been good between you so far, would you want him to meet your kids further down the line. Last night could just be a one off incident, you could be throwing a good relationship away. Reason I'm saying this, a similar situation happened to me, I gave him a second chance and here we are 36 years later, still happy, still laughing together, just glad MN didn't exist then.

katmarie · 23/01/2024 09:29

Gosh, I don't know what it's like for you op, but getting childcare for a night out is not a small thing for me. If I'd booked my parents to care for the kids and then he didn't show I'd be bloody livid. I think you're making the right choice, he clearly doesn't have enough empathy to understand the effort you made to see him. He also isn't comfortable enough to say to you 'look I had a crappy day, not up for a night out but let's hang out together and chill'. So yes, chuck him back, life is too short to be treated badly by mediocre men.

Caffeinedetox · 23/01/2024 09:33

"he messaged to say he’d been in a bad mood since getting soaked going to work that morning and wouldn’t be good company so would it be ok to cancel."

Um. What now??? Do you seriously want to be with a bloke who gets upset because it rains when he's walking to work?!?! He sounds like an absolute melt. Don't waste a single second more thinking about this wet lettuce.

Although I would maybe buy him an umbrella and leave it outside his flat as a parting gift😂

TinderTime · 23/01/2024 09:40

SamW98 · 23/01/2024 08:56

OP - you’re doing the absolute right thing just not replying. I never see the point in sending petty spiteful replies or essays telling him where he went wrong. If by 42 he doesn’t get it, he’s never going to.

Hes shown you who he is - delete and move on.

Edited

Exactly!!!

You're great OP. So many sad people on here who accept any breadcrumbs. It's great is we an OP who knows what's what!

I too wouldn't bother with a thumbs up. Just ignore, he doesn't deserve you. That's for sure!

If he can't even give you the courtesy of dragging his lazy ass out his bed then you don't need to reply ... EVER!

He's not going to change. He's got to this age being a selfish prat, why would he change now?

Onwards and upwards OP!

toomanyleggings · 23/01/2024 09:41

Disrespectful. In the bin

Anisette · 23/01/2024 09:43

Other issues apart, he's saying that, several hours after an annoying minor incident, he's still sulking about it to the extent that he doesn't want to socialise. As sulking is one of the most unattractive attributes a man can have, that alone would make me think hard about continuing any relationship.

Caffeinedetox · 23/01/2024 09:45

Anisette · 23/01/2024 09:43

Other issues apart, he's saying that, several hours after an annoying minor incident, he's still sulking about it to the extent that he doesn't want to socialise. As sulking is one of the most unattractive attributes a man can have, that alone would make me think hard about continuing any relationship.

This. A bloke sulking all day about something as petty as getting rained on in the morning. The biggest turn off imaginable.

LaTricoteuseVieux · 23/01/2024 09:45

He'd (supposedly) been in a bad mood since a minor event that happened in the morning? That alone is a red flag. You do not want a moody man.

Second red flag is that he's been chatting as normal all day, then cancelled at the last minute after he knew you'd be in the cafe waiting for him. This shows he isn't that invested in you or cares that you've already travelled to see him.

Third red flag is that he knows you've got kids and had arranged overnight care for them. This shows he really doesn't care!

Back in the sea.

stcrispinsday · 23/01/2024 09:46

You have absolutely done the right thing. I wouldn't just ignore him though. You can send a brief reply saying that you didn't appreciate the last minute cancellation and don't want to see him again. Then block and move on. I feel like you not replying gives him the moral high ground ("she ghosted me").

InAPickle12345 · 23/01/2024 09:50

stcrispinsday · 23/01/2024 09:46

You have absolutely done the right thing. I wouldn't just ignore him though. You can send a brief reply saying that you didn't appreciate the last minute cancellation and don't want to see him again. Then block and move on. I feel like you not replying gives him the moral high ground ("she ghosted me").

This would be me as well, I'd never let someone think they're better than me and I'd ghosted them.

'It was nice meeting you but unfortunately I don't see this going any further. Being upset and in a mood all day by such a minor thing as having been rained on is a really unattractive quality and not what I'm looking for in a partner. Take care'

LaTricoteuseVieux · 23/01/2024 09:51

stcrispinsday · 23/01/2024 09:46

You have absolutely done the right thing. I wouldn't just ignore him though. You can send a brief reply saying that you didn't appreciate the last minute cancellation and don't want to see him again. Then block and move on. I feel like you not replying gives him the moral high ground ("she ghosted me").

I agree with messaging him, but I'd just say it's not working for you, and you don't want to continue, then don't respond to any other messages and block him.

Disturbia81 · 23/01/2024 09:54

Get someone more worthy you your own age.
Just cooly fade off.. don't let anyone treat you like that.

TempleOfBloom · 23/01/2024 09:55

‘Good for you. Meanwhile I organised childcare and drive a 1hour round trip to be cancelled because you got wet. Not for me, I’m afraid. But good luck. Bye!’ and block.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/01/2024 09:56

So is this the first time you would've seen him since you slept with him?

gluggle · 23/01/2024 10:05

PaperwhiteTheFriendlyGhost · 23/01/2024 07:55

This is it about getting to know someone properly before shagging them. I know some say find out what they're like in the sack early on but at that stage you're disposable and they (and you) merrily go off looking for the next one if it's not earth shattering. If you've taken it a bit more slowly there's more of an inclination to care a bit more, sex isn't always just scratching an itch or something to get out of the way and score like on Strictly. Not blaming you OP here but lamenting dating scene. Maybe I should go back to 1955.

Show quote history

Depends on the man.

I'd known my now DH approximately 2 hours before sleeping with him. If a bloke is decent and he likes you, all he'll think after early sex is how lucky he is. If he's a shit and just in it for the chase, doesn't matter how long you wait, he'll pull away afterwards.

OP in the bin with this one!

GlitterBall91 · 23/01/2024 10:09

What !!
Normally I would say give him a chance but under these circumstances.. noooope!!

wherearemywellingtons · 23/01/2024 10:26

Your reaction is a bit extreme. If I really liked a guy I’d not ghost him for having one bad day and wanting to have some private time. It sounds like your pride is wounded but I’d actually really appreciate his honesty and the fact that he’d rather be feeling his best to ensure he’s kind and warm when around me. It would be cruel and immature to ghost him and not even have a conversation about it like an adult and might be throwing away a good thing.

Soozikinzii · 23/01/2024 10:28

Bin . Sounds moody in the extreme.

NOTANUM · 23/01/2024 10:31

Personally I would tell him why you’re going cold. I’d say “Sorry to do this over text but I can’t get over the rudeness of turning up and waiting only for you to cancel despite being around the corner. I hope you meet someone who is more comfortable with that casualness. Good luck in the future”

InAPickle12345 · 23/01/2024 10:35

wherearemywellingtons · 23/01/2024 10:26

Your reaction is a bit extreme. If I really liked a guy I’d not ghost him for having one bad day and wanting to have some private time. It sounds like your pride is wounded but I’d actually really appreciate his honesty and the fact that he’d rather be feeling his best to ensure he’s kind and warm when around me. It would be cruel and immature to ghost him and not even have a conversation about it like an adult and might be throwing away a good thing.

What???? 😂😂😂😂 Throwing away a good thing?

If a man who:

1: sulks ALL day because he got rained on a bit on the way to work 😂
2: to the point he throws a strop probably 10 hours later and can't walk a couple hundred metres to a prearranged date
3: a prearrange date that he's failed to cancel when he could have easily done earlier in the day
4: while knowing the OP has travelled, arranged childcare and is already there

is a good thing then I'll be damned. I think your standards and expectations are brutally low.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 23/01/2024 10:37

Just because I'm curious, OP -

Did you reply to his cancellation message? Did he not message you again after?

To be honest, I'd be a bit suspicious he'd had another offer and that's why he cancelled. Would a man really turn down the opportunity for sex (not saying it was a definite but it was probably implied arranging to stay over) because they got wet?!

stealthninjamum · 23/01/2024 10:38

ClairDeLaLune · 23/01/2024 08:54

I would be inclined to tell him you didn’t appreciate the way he treated you as you’d arranged childcare and travelled to meet him, and you would advise him to be a bit more considerate to the next woman he’s seeing, and goodbye.

I agree with this.

littlebopeepp234 · 23/01/2024 10:44

Itslegitimatesalvage · 23/01/2024 08:47

I don’t want to be cruel for cruelness’ sake. It won’t make me feel any better and will just make someone else feel bad. Not really my style. I’d rather he not think, “lucky escape,” if he ever thinks about me as well.

We’re just in sync and don’t see things like this the same way. I’d have dragged myself out if someone had gone to that trouble and was literally a few hundred meters down the road. He just told me he wasn’t up to it at the last minute without any real reason. So, whatever else I liked… we just don’t have the same attitude when it comes to treating people well. I’m just going to leave it at nothing said rather than being mean or petty or even sending a “nice to meet you but bye” message. I think just nothing is appropriate here.

Show quote history

To be honest op, I doubt him being in a bad mood due to getting soaked is the real reason he cancelled. It’s an extremely poor excuse, probably the poorest of poor excuses I’ve ever heard! It seems to me that he cancelled after getting what he wanted from you.

He seems to have very little respect for you if he cancelled on you knowing you had spent half an hour driving to him and he couldn’t be arsed to get up off his arse and come and see you knowing he was only yards away from you! It would be a deal breaker for me if a guy expected me to travel all the way to him and then pulled a stunt like that! If he couldn’t be arsed cancel on you beforehand knowing full well you’d be making that half hour journey then that shows how little he cares about you!

So glad you haven’t replied to him. Stay strong and keep it up!

pizzaHeart · 23/01/2024 10:45

AuntMarch · 22/01/2024 21:11

He had all day to decide he was in too much of a mood, for him to leave it til he knew you'd travelled and basically given up your evening for him... yeah bin it.

This^