My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

It's more of a surprise/ tragedy if a woman in her 50's isn't sprightly.

If she's only 57 she could do a proper degree / post grad course at an actual uni like many of my colleagues in their 40s & 50s... she's far too young for u3a imo.

My cousins wife is her age and her main hobby is surfing in Cornwall.

My friend of 57 is excited to be getting 2 kittens soon.. perhaps a pet or 2 may help your Mum's need to care for something.

Get her online. She could sell her rotary phone on eBay or Etsy for £££s.

Seriously I think she sounds depressed, or bored, or menopausal or all 3 and needs to change gp asap to get some hrt and or anti depressants.

I don't think meeting a man should be her priority.. I think she needs do something like join eg a gym, she could do a mixed ages class like circuits where she can meet some lively people to get her out of herself & see that life could be different.

Give it another 10 years and she’ll be like my mum. Doesn’t really go anywhere or see anyone, has one or two hobbies but they aren’t social ones so if anything they make her more isolated. No partner or husband. Because she hasn’t looked after herself physically, she can’t get around very well and it’s become a bit of a vicious circle of not exercising = harder to exercise = becomes more immobile. She will probably need a mobility scooter in the not too distant future.

She has aged prematurely and it’s really sad. I’ve done the whole bit about encouraging hobbies and things to try and ways to get out there but it’s always met with indifference so I just assume this is how she wants her life to be. Not my problem anyway! And don’t let your mum make you feel it’s your problem to fix her life; it isn’t!

I'm 57 and don't consider myself heading towards the end of my life! I go swimming twice a week, work about 30 hours a week, have recently taken up a new hobby and am hoping to downsize and buy a flat in Spain in a few years!

I think it's laudable your mum isn't interested in technology but she does need hobbies and friends and hopefully still works unless she can afford not to.

I see friends quite a lot. I'm not single but do quite a lot separate to my husband. So she needs to get out and not consider 57 to be old! She could live another 30 years at least!

What has she done with her free time in the past? If she's lost social confidence or is struggling to connect with a world she doesn't completely trust, then pushing her towards something totally new is only going to make her feel resistant and resentful. Can you start with something she's enjoyed in the past, so at least some of it is familiar?

Im 47 and started using the internet in my early 20s so your mum would have only been about 30 when email arrived - she must have seriously gone out of her way to avoid technology!

Your description of your mum doesn’t sound like any 50-60-something year olds I know. (I’m the same age as your mum.) You really sound like you were describing my own mother in her late 80s. How has she managed to let herself get so very old before her time? It’s really very unusual in this day and age.

Encourage her to get an iPad to other tablet and explore the world online. I got one for my MIL (late 70s) and she loves it, so definitely not too old to learn. Groups like the U3A are aimed at an older demographic, I believe. But if that’s her mindset, they might be right for her. Women’s Institute, Church Groups, book groups, evening classes, all good ideas mentioned above, especially for someone who is 57 but acts older. I’m not sure online dating will be her thing, so perhaps finding a few like minded friends will open her horizons in other ways.

Meanwhile, most of the 50-somethings like me (who are lucky enough to afford it) are busy going to the gym, working FT or PT, going to pop concerts and festivals, maybe going skiing or on exotic holidays and generally living life to the full - with or without a partner. Definitely not feeling near the end of our lives!

Shop work.

Although some tills are computerised now that's not the same as using A Computer at home.

And some small shops wouldn't have a very basic till

Some people on here need to realise that not everyone has an office job and having a hob kettle isn't that unusual!

Same here.. I'd be outraged and book something completely unsuitable and unbecoming for a 'spritely' person..😂

Sprightly!!!!!
I'll be 70 this year and detest the word; damning with faint praise. The masculine equivalent is spry or dapper. Always has the unspoken phrase "for there age" hanging there. As for the kettle on the hob, I changed to this as it makes more room on the counter.

Lots of excellent suggestions on this thread and the OP's mum is definitely going to have to make an effort. The easiest way is getting back into work if possible.

On a personal note, while getting out and about a good deal in the manner so many have described, I still feel lonely at times. A lot of it is because most people I know are part of a couple, (I'm widowed) and I'm introverted by nature. I haven't tried OLD. I'm saying all this because you can take all kinds of measures and still be lonely at times. Still, the OP's mum is very young indeed to be in this state.

Yes, I'd be feeling a bit like this if I weren't working full-time. Not as bad because I push myself to get out. As it is, working ft, I only need to feel fulfilled evenings and weekends!! The rest of the time I'm staring at spreadsheets, clicking away!

I can well believe there are women like this, we are not all the same. I am nearly 63 and consider myself young in mind (body takes a bit more convincing) but that's a mindset I've always had, maybe your Mum never did have a young outlook?

You can only support/encourage/introduce. As far as OLD is concerned I'd steer clear, encourage groups etc till she finds her feet, then if she really wants to try dating (god help her) then you'll really need to support her, it's not for the faint hearted!

Nice of you to be so supportive of your Mum, I hope she finds something fulfilling and that goes her a zest for life!

*gives!

Holy cr... looks like I have 4 years to go before I forget how to use technology and embrace a rotary dial phone.

Wow, she really has set herself up for a lonely life, hasn't she?!

I'm also mid 50s, a couple of years younger than her, and I could swear you were talking about someone MY mother's age.

Encourage her to do things that wouldn't be such a struggle for her and don't rely on that internet at much.

Perhaps volunteering once or twice a week at a charity store. She will mix with people of all ages there, some likely far less fortunate than her. (This one actually might have the side benefit of encouraging her to use the internet as charity shops have started checking valuable donations online.)

Or at a food bank, that would really make her feel useful.

Helping with reading at her local primary/infant school would also be great. They are always crying out for reliable volunteers. Although this could backfire with more pressure on you to produce grandchildren....

So not necessarily something for 'herself' but giving back to the community, and as a byproduct getting something for herself.

I didn’t say that everyone has an office job, I was referring to myself. My DH worked in a car factory and I know people in plenty of non office jobs.

My point was that if this lady only stopped work a few years ago, then there’s a strong chance some form of computer or tech usage would be involved.

I'm older than her and I don't feel old at all. Still do the same activities and hobbies I've done for years. Still work in a responsible job. Keep up with lots of friends and go on a variety of holidays.

I've used computers in some shape or form since my 20s and started using the internet in my late 30s / early 40s when it got going.

My mother never had a mobile phone nor went online. If she were alive now, she'd be over 90 and when she was alive (died a few years ago), I thought it crazy that she didn't embrace those things (my dad did/ does). She did have plenty of interests and hobbies though.

Your mother sounds strangely old fashioned. I also wonder if she is depressed as she seems to lack motivation. You make her sound incapable of sorting things out for herself - I don't know anyone in their 50s or 60s like that.

This is quite sad, 57 is not old...

Personally I would encourage her to find somewhere she could help, does she have any skills like seeing or cooking where she could help a local group? It sounds like she needs to find a purpose, also mixing with other people might open her up to embracing technology a bit ?

Volunteering could be positive. Not everyone comfortable with computers or online. My friend in a choir loves it. Its hard op. I have my dog so he gets me out. Has she hobbies?

i was a bit shocked by that statement too 😧made her sound more like 87 not 57.

All the people I know at that age are still working full time and are using the internet as part of their every day lives. Even my parents who are in their 80s seem more 'modern'. What does she do for work?

It does sound like you are describing someone of 87 rather than 57. I'm 56 and I don't think that I'm near to the end of my life and I am still spritely! I have a busy job, a teenager and I look after my elderly DF.

I don't wish to be unkind but your view of your mum is that she is very old when actually she isn't! Help her feel young!

It is unusual not to be online but clearly it isn't her thing so as others have said I would encourage her to go back to work or do some volunteering there are so many different options out there. That would broaden her social circle. Also what about a walking or rambling group or exercise classes?

ops second post about sprightly 50 year olds gets me every time

If your Mum isn’t into online Volunteering can be a great way to meet new people and also put in perspective our own woes. You’re not responsible for her happiness and it’s clear you are doing much already. There might be coffee mornings, other social activities (if she’s traditional) near her. Best you can do is found out, tell her what’s on when and if she still chooses not to partake realise that she is choosing to be more isolated than she need be.

Does she have a spare room? If she does she could rent it out to perhaps a single woman / divorcee of a similar age.
Many wins in terms of income, companionship and very probably a widening of her horizons when she realises close up how her failure to use technology is unusual and limiting.