My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

I didn’t say they were compulsory but along with the other stuff that’s apparently passed a women in her 50’s with children in their 20’s by - along with the fact the OP hasn’t been back - it doesn’t quite ring true

Haha this ! I am a couple of years older than your Mum and I still have a child at school, with another year to go. Plus a 19 year old.
I spend my free time dancing around the kitchen with dd2, I don’t feel any different to how I felt at 45, but then I had very small children.
Your Mum isn’t elderly !

I would like to thank people who posted helpful advice. Seeing the replies from women here (some older than my mum) who are sprightly, thriving and enjoying life has simply hammered home the point that it's not normal for her to be maintaining such an isolated and antiquated lifestyle. The issues she's been having around loneliness and being reliant on me pre-date her departure from work.

She has a few interests but not really a specific hobby. She has a few TV shows that she likes, and I watch them with her when I can. She reads books occasionally. Also she is currently out of work, but was working full-time up until a few months ago. Her hob kettle is in good working order so I can understand why she wouldn't want to get rid of it when there's nothing wrong with it. I bought her a smartphone a while ago but she only uses it to make and receive calls - I don't think she has used any apps on it. Among the many suggestions made, the ones that seemed most likely to help DM are silver surfers and U3A. Whether she will listen to these suggestions remains to be seen, but I'll try my best to convince her. She also isn't on HRT as her GP won't prescribe it to her. I personally think it would benefit her, but it's not up to me.

I'm stunned at this. I'm nearly 56 and it's like reading about my mum, not someone a similar age.

You haven't said much about your Mum's previous life. Was she very reliant on her husband? Did she do everything with him? What was she working at until recently? Did they divorce or did he die? I'm afraid her mindset is what is holding her back and more info on those questions would give a clearer explanation as to why she might be like this.

I think if your mum has only recently stopped working (you don't say whether this is by choice) I think she could possibly be depressed.

Suspicious number of threads about women in their 50s who don't do anything lately. And bollocks to anyone of 57 never having been online.

I would definitely try to push her to develop her own independent social life. She is comfortable having you as her 'friend' so she will be reluctant to do it, but really, its unfair of her to expect you to fulfill her emotional and social needs.
I'm aware you can only do so much though. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
If she refuses to do anything to improve her situation because she likes the current status quo, then this could go on for another 30 years, with her becoming more and more dependent on you as her friend, companion, emotional crutch etc are you prepared to do that?
You cant fix her loneliness, only she can do that. You shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Hi, I haven't read the full thread but I'm also astounded that someone who's only 57 think of herself as old! My goodness...😁

She's bored, OP. Possible also depressed but I bet it all stems from having no purpose. I wonder if one of the reasons while she feels old is bc she has zero involvement in online stuff - and so many things involve the internet in one way or another. Maybe she feels out of it partly for that reason.

Could she do some volunteering, work, anything that puts her in touch with others?

And please don't have children just to keep her entertained!

I think there’s a charity which pairs free older women with children who need a grandparent. Not sure what it is called though!

Coukd she volunteer at a school or a nursery if she loves children?

You'd be surprised...

I am 68, single for 25 years and living on my own for over 15 years. Also historically very bad at making friends. I do now (very recently) have grandchildren but they live abroad. I worked until I was 60, so had social contact through that, but since retiring have sometimes felt lonely - I have found other people through volunteering and hobby groups. Also holidaying on my own. I recently moved to a completely new area and have finally ‘found my tribe’! Does your mum work, have any hobbies? I have certainly never felt my life was unhappy, but you do need to get up and look for things

Or how about getting set up as a baby-sitter and having all the checks done etc? She could earn some income and get to know people. If she is in good health and reliable she could choose how much or how little she works?

Crikey! I’m 57 this year and still working full time. Had a career change at 54 and am studying for a professional qualification as well as learning a new language. Off on two solo holidays abroad this year, going to a couple of gigs with my DS and have several solo camping trips planned. I don’t have an electric kettle but do have a purely decorative rotary phone.

Ridiculous behaviour. Would you not be happier taking it easier. Maybe a nice little Saga holiday and a subscription to Take A Break?

I'm 57! God forbid anyone ever describes me as sprightly (to use your word OP!)
Your mum sounds either old before her years, or else you're treating her that way OP.
I have just done with caring for my parents who both sadly died relatively recently and I'm damned if I'm not going to eek out the best of life. I've seen what lies ahead!
My children are 26 and 28, and although one of them has her challenges, I'm up for squeezing the pips from life. Music, gigs. Love them. Not pubs tho - can't be doing with boozing.
I find it hard to believe your mum is digitally incompetent or suspicious. How can that be? Get her an iPad and try to get her online. That would be a good start.
Suggest volunteering. I've largely stopped working but am now a charity trustee and love having input in my community.
A sport is great. I play tennis once a week. When I moved into the area I knew no one so joined my local club. Could she do the same?
Above all don't treat your mum like an old lady. She's really not!

@EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight On the basis that my nan and great nan lived until 97 and 101 respectively I think I can behave ridiculously for a few more years. Still plenty of time to grow up.

I’m in my 50s, I can’t believe someone a little older than me doesn’t use technology 🤷‍♀️ has she never worked as no way you can’t use technology in some form in work places?

Sadly I have exactly the same situation with my mother in her late 70s.

I really hope you can encourage your mum when she is a youngster to embrace new things, how about suggesting online banking or online shopping.

How are her finances? Can she actually afford much in the way of activities and hobbies? What’s her attitude to money? She may be comfortable financially but be apprehensive of spending much if she has a frugal outlook

I love the word Sprightly. It’s hilarious

I was in the gym at 5.30 this morning doing free weights. My training buddy is 70.

I'm two years older than your mum. I'm single (divorced fourteen years) with adult children, no grandchildren.

What the heck happened in your mum's life to make her shun the online world?

Did she ever have a job?

It sounds as if she suffers from an unhealthy excess of suspicion of technology and a desire for you to provide interest in her life.

I'd do my utmost to persuade her to have her mental health assessed if I were you. The distrust issue could be part of something bigger - depression or paranoia, both of which will seriously affect her quality if life (and yours) as the years go on if left unattended to.

And the rotary phone!

This was my mother fifteen years ago. She never wrapped her head around smartphones, but she has at least got rid of the rotary (after she called a repair man to figure out why it wasn't working and he stood in her house slack-jawed that anyone still had one).

Your mother needs to get up to speed with technology. She will increasingly need it for communication with her GP, for banking, and even for grocery shopping. My mum currently relies on my Dsis for all of that and realises the mistake she made in shying away from something that made her feel uncomfortable back when she would have found it easier to learn.

Don't let your mother stay in your shell. Chivvy and nag and make a complete nuisance of yourself until she gets out there and learns to navigate the online world.

She doesn't need a man. Don't encourage her to go in that direction. She'd just end up caretaking someone as he got older and dealing with all the drama that comes with other people's adult children.

She needs to get online, to seek help for any MH issues she is suffering from, and to get out of her comfort zone.

Is there a local gym she could join?

Some gyms have friendly staff who could show her the ropes. Exercise does wonders for your outlook as well as your physical health, and it would get her out and active. It would show her that she's not old.

'Sprightly' is usually used to describe 90 year olds still in full possession of their marbles. No-one had better try describing 69 year old me like that.

I'm sixty and devastated to find I have fallen into the 'sprightly' category 😂