My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

I’m 55 - if my DS ever describes me as sprightly he’s getting written out of my will 🤣🤣

I'm 61 and don't recognise the lifestyle your mother has ended up in.

I've been using computers since my teens with the BBC micro onwards.

I've been a single parent for 20 years. My two lads have only just moved out, and it is an adjustment living on my own, and I'm aiming to retire in 4 years and aware that I need to put some planning in place to make sure I don't end up isolated.

I would love to be a grandmother, but well aware that might not happen, and I'm certainly not putting any pressure on either of them.

You can make suggestions, but any change does really need to come from your mum.

I agree with pp that not being open to any online activity will be very limiting. I have a couple of online communities that I rely on as I don't currently have much in the way of a social life with people in person. I have volunteered in the past and will consider getting back into that after I've retired.

Strewth. She's not elderly, she's middle-aged and has another 10 years before she even qualifies for a state pension. No wonder she is digging in her heels if you want her to use the internet for silver surfers, U3A or for some way of meeting people / a man. I'm several years older than your mum, online a lot, and there's no way I'd use the internet for any of the things you are persuading her to try.

If you want her to get online, stop trying to find things that will 'help' her, and start finding useful things like gardening tips, theatres, events, general information about the local area etc. Introduce her to Wikipedia. Show her the BBC and ITV websites, and how to find the what's-on sections, and the news.

Bloody hell! She's only 57! How is she a lot closer to the end of her life? I'm 53, still working, teen kids, battling blooming secondary breast cancer and want to pack as much into life as possible!

What are her interests? Hobbies?

Anyone describes me like that, Words Will Be Had.

she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob

I find your description of her bizarre. She’s less than ten years older than me and my mum and even her mum had electric kettles and press-button phones in the 80s?!

What was your mum’s job? Most of us will still be working till outle mid/late 60s so don’t recognise this at all. She needs a job/friends and hobbies.

Agree with PPs: 57 is no age (i’m 55 this year; DH is early 60s). I’m surrounded by people in their 70s and 80s (including late 80s) who have loads going on. There’s lots she could be doing (church/volunteering/local interest groups etc). I agree with PPs that Internet dating probably isn’t going to be the right thing for her. She doesn’t need to have a man in her life to make it enjoyable. Sounds like she’s too used to living for others as it is. She needs to learn to live for herself.

How has she never used the internet? Everything is online now.

I'm thinking that maybe she has some sort of ND? It's very unusual for a gen x to have cut themselves off throughout their entire life to the extent that they don't use any technology. She's also very young to be so set in her ways and stuck in the past.
I don't think that OLD is really a route that she should take. She sounds quite introverted and vulnerable and could easily be taken advantage of. OLD is quite cutthroat and IME it gets worse and the dregs tend to be left over the older you do it - hence I've come off in my 50's.
There are social groups where the focus is more on doing a hobby or activity like theatre trips, comedy, eating out, going to gigs etc. But these are accessed via online mostly. Most areas have walking groups that she might be able to access via other means. It's important to keep active the older you get, so perhaps she could benefit from joining a gym?
I think meeting people IRL is probably a better route for her to take.

You know you are really old when it changes from falling over to taking a fall.

OP - you say she was working up until recently. What work was she doing to completely avoid the 21st century?

And if she’s looking for work, almost all recruitment is online now.

Your mum sounds exactly like my 91 yo MIL ! . I’m a similar age to your mum , married , don’t work , no GC . I’m always online , I walk my dog , I go out for lunch , go to the theatre , go to concerts , am a member of the NT & EH which I use a lot . My husband WFH , very long hours so I do the above with a friend or alone . I’m not sure what the answer is but getting her to engage with tech would be a start . Would she be interested in a dog as that could get her out and about . Could she volunteer ?

She's 57 not 87. I shall be 56 this year and I'm training for London Marathon (having run it in 2022). I'm sorry to be harsh (but not very) but she's created her own downfall - it's her own choices that are creating her unhappiness and she's relying on you to make up for that. We don't always get what we want in life - grandchildren etc - but most of us make the best of what we do have. Save yourself and stop being her crutch, she's still a reasonably young woman with a few decades ahead of her.

Haha I was going to say the same thing 😁 I’m surprised OP used the word to describe people around her mum’s age who still enjoy life. It makes me feel that OP has been too influenced by her mum’s ‘aged’ mindset and doesn’t realise fifties and sixties is really not old. Sprightly is for elderly (80s plus) active people if you must use it.

I’m in my early sixties and it’s going to be a long time (if ever) before I embrace the little old lady in me.

HRT will not help This is not a menopausal symptoms issue.

This can't be true. Never read such a load of patronising shit

DM (born in 1931 and died in 2008) never used the internet because she believed all the media stories from its' early days that if she so much as switched on a computer she'd be deluged with a tsunami of pornographic filth (which might have been true in the early days but certainly wasn't later on). She also refused to have any interests, go anywhere or do anything and SIL, who worked with the elderly, diagnosed her as being clinically depressed. But even she had a up to date phone, a mobile and an electric kettle.

Given that the OP's mother was in her 20s when the internet got going, how HAS she managed to avoid it all these years?

I think the above poster was joking in her comment to you !

Have to say though - whilst I am also learning a new language, love my holidays and going to gigs - I also love my take-a-break susbscription !

Oh I know @ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea it wasn’t until I posted that I realised my reply sounded a bit snippy. I went to go back and edit it but got sidetracked 😆

I think your mum is 30 years out op in what you are describing and even then a lot of 87 year olds have kept up to date and use the internet and ordinary electrical appliances. My father was using Facebook and twitter until he passed age 84 and he used a laptop every day. How does she manage her finances? Does she do online banking and direct debits etc?

Op do you know any other 57 year olds? Eg at work or a relative or a neighbour.

Sprightly? Hilarious 😂😂.

I wonder what job she had which contained no computer or internet or email use?
Ive worked in offices since the late 80s using electronic typewriters, then word processors, then, oh my, windows with a mouse and the Microsoft office suite, and email.

I had a change of career in 2000 when I did an adult education training certificate and taught silver surfer type courses in the community. This was a boom time with lots of funding available to local colleges and the Labour government of the time rolled out a huge initiative to get the adult population computer literate. A lot of these courses were free or not too expensive for a 10 week beginners course.

The courses were in local libraries, community centres and available day and evening. They were aimed at people who had missed computers at school, young mums, people who were job hunting and pensioners. I was early 30s at this time, similar age to this persons mum. Funding for this was cut from around 2006 onwards and I ended up going back to office work myself around 2010 (but that’s another story 🤷🏻‍♀️).

57 - your Mum is still very young. She just needs something to light her fire. What are/could be her interests. So much variety out there today from exercise classes, walking groups, book clubs, crafting, travel, the list goes on. Would she like voluntary work? She could fill her life with so much. Maybe you could get her an I pad, that would certainly open up her world, and she could see all that is available to her. If she is in the very fortunate position of not having to work, the world is her oyster. Maybe start with a shopping trip, new wardrobe and plan a nice short break away together, where you can sit down and make a plan. It will take effort on her part, but there is no way she has to be lonely with all that is on offer today. And who knows, if it’s what she really wants, she could meet a lovely man friend along the way, but do t think she should make it her main focus right now.

Sorry Effie. I know your comment was tongue in cheek. I meant to go back and edit my post but got sidetracked!

Gosh, I'm 60 and I work full time in hi-tech, and have a 16yo ds living at home. I run and practice martial arts. It's hard to imagine feeling like that.

If your dm is retired there are so many things she could do to fill her diary. Depends on what she likes, from the traditional WI or Townswomen's Guild, to volunteering for reading practice at her local primary school or helping at her local hospital.

She could join an art or dance class or even an Intro to IT class at her local library. She might need you to help get her started but I'm sure she'll find something she likes. Wishing her well.

Omg sprightly! My mum is 60 and she'd laugh at me if I used that word. 50s and 60s is still young. I work with a 70 year old and I feel I would be insulting him by calling him sprightly. I think your mums attitude to age has rubbed off on you, it's like your viewing it as her twighlight years. She could have over 40 years of life ahead and she's all but given up. My nan is 88 and can use the internet and mobile phones. No dad on the other hand is similar to your mum and it's quite depressing. There's not much you can do to convince someone if they don't want to change. Does she work? If not would she be able to get a part time job?