Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

Ain't it lovely when a man tells you whats normal about being a woman. Thank God their here to tell us about ourseleves, because we're so stupid we don't know as much as them about womanhood. 😒

Anyway, sounds perfectly bloody normal to me and, if he doesn't like the revelation that sex is driven by biology then maybe he needs to take it up with mother nature. It's a bit like me getting grumpy because rain is wet.

You are normal. He is not.

This is probably going to be an even bigger problem as you go through menopause. When you stop ovulating all together, you won't get those hormones at all, so your libido could well hit rock bottom.
I'd say you are slightly out of normal range for a female. Sure, any woman probably gets an extra libido boost during ovulation, but in between it's usually still there too rather than going down to nothing. That it goes to zero though could well be the psychological impact of how he's reacted. Also, in a general sense, he's not a good lover if he is so focused on himself while doing it, that he doesnt even notice you want it to stop. Really any one half way decent should know the excitement should come from being tuned into the other person's pleasure. I'd also therefore, say he's probably never been up to much sexually speaking, so that's a big turnoff right there.
While he's whining that hormones are the only thing that makes you interested rather than anything about him, he is even worse as he just wants sex for himself, not because he wants you to feel good. He doesn't even notice your reluctance or your discomfort, so he's beyond noticing if you are attractive to him in that moment, and probablywho hes with. Every bit as driven by his testosterone as you are with oestrogen- touché. Just that his are there all the time.
I can think of 2 paths. One would be to get the ick so bad by how he is that the relationship has to end - understandable. The other is to sit down and discuss possible strategies, this likely involves solutions to the hormone situation. Given your age, you are probably perimenopausal, sometimes a maerina coil is used as part of hrt, which would solve the week long periods and cramps too. Might be worth trying hrt, but only if you want to get back to how things used to be, which you still might not be able to anyway because of his behaviour and poor attitude to sex. If you tried it you'd know if its actually him giving you the ick - which is fine, he'd give me the ick for sure.

@CandyLeBonBon, I agree. This is place where it is alright to have a moan (Facebook ex-pat/immigrant groups are much the same).

Coercing someone into sex against their will is rape, op. Wake up. Your partner is vile and abusive.

I know you meant well with this, but responding to abuse with abuse never goes well

@VickyEadieofThigh Fair point

He just says “but what about all the times that didn’t happen? What about all the times I didn’t push you for sex and just said ‘ok’? The bad times were only a small number and not very recent!”

He's just acting thick now. Of course a traumatic, unpleasant experience has more effect on you. If he got mugged one day he wouldn't immediately get over the shock and outrage because of all the times he had been in a similar location and not been mugged. He might well decide to do everything he could to never be in that position again

Reading your reaction to others’ comments, it’s clear you’re very uncomfortable viewing your DH’s actions as rape, which I understand. You love him and you do enjoy having sex with him, albeit it at more specific times in your cycle. You have also said that you’re trying hard to see the situation from his point of view, although I’m wondering if, in reality, you’re trying to convince yourself that he is right, to justify his behaviour and avoid having to feel angry or disappointed in him.

You don’t have to put an official label on what has been happening, but as you’ve come to MN for advice, you are recognising this as a serious problem and want to do something about it. You also know that the solution is not that you do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

My advice would be to talk to him (not at a point he’s wanting sex) about how awful you’re feeling at points in your cycle and that sex is very bad during those times. That you don’t have sex with him as a favour, or repayment, because that’s not what people do in a loving relationship. If he pushes back and tries to convince you that you’re wrong, start asking him questions, so that he’s on the defence instead of you.

”Are you okay having sex with me, knowing it hurts me?”
”Are you okay having sex with me knowing that I don’t want to?”
”Are you okay having sex with me knowing that I’m only doing it, because you shouted and got angry with me, so now I feel I have to?”
”Do you wonder how it will affect the way I see you and feel about you, knowing that you’ve bullied me into having sex with you?”

At any point, if he tries to make you feel like you’re being unreasonable, keep repeating phrases like,
”This is how I feel”
”I don’t want to have sex when it hurts”

Keep grounded in your own truth and call him out, if he tries to tell you what you feel isn’t real, or right. If he threatens to leave you, say “So you’re saying that if I don’t have sex with you, whenever you want and when it hurts to do it, you’ll leave me?” Don’t let him make you afraid to speak out. If he’s really a good man, he will work to understand your position. If he gets nasty and refuses to see it your way, you know it’s more serious than you’re currently thinking it is.

I used to make all these excuses when my ex did all these things. If you withdraw consent it’s rape. You know he heard you, you know he made the decision to continue, you’re not ready to face that yet.
if he gets angry or sulky or difficult when you aren’t in the mood, that’s coercion. It’s lovely when you get away from it. I’m sorry it’s happening to you. 💐

He's gross. Show him this thread so he understands.

^^This is TERRIBLE advice

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

You should never force yourself to have sex with anyone ever! If you don’t want it you don’t have to.
If you do it could also potentially leave you feeling negative or resentful around sex.

Sex isn't a 'reward' for good behaviour.

I assume if he doesn't get it he stops doing the 'good stuff'?

TBF, Rape does have an impact on most women

He's a horrible human being and a very bad husband

NO MAN should EVER be angry for not getting sex. You are a person not a sex aid

If that were true, he wouldn't get angry about it

Sulking is coercive to emotional blackmail you into sex.

Aka known as emotional abusive.

My DP only wants sex in the week after her period. So that's when we have sex, usually quite a bit of it. If for whatever reason we don't get to have sex in that week, or I'm not in the mood, then we don't have sex that month.

@EllenPooleSearch This isn't a hard concept to understand. If your husband is telling you he can't understand that, then that is a lie. He is choosing to disregard you, to coerce you into having sex when you don't want to. Your husband is a rapist. He doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings as long as he gets to have a shag. You're not going to be able to get him to "understand", because he literally doesn't care. He understands perfectly, he'd just rather hurt you than not.

@EllenPooleSearch the reason for not wanting to have sex is irrelevant.

he’s saying he can’t understand why you wouldn’t just have sex on demand whenever he wants.

you are not a piece of meat. Women are not on earth to satisfy men. The fact you don’t understand this dynamic is abusive, controlling and grim is concerning.

sex is optional. Without any repercussions depending on your choice. Anything other than that is wrong. Just say no.

OP, I am so sorry for what this horrible man has done to you. It's totally up to you what if anything you want to do about it, but there is support out there if you want to. Rape Crisis for example could talk to you and support you - they would believe you and not push you into any course of action.

Regarding the impact of your cycle on your libido, it impacts some people more than others. I really like sex during my period itself for example, which I know many women HATE. And my libido is generally high throughout my cycle, but that's just me. What other women want or don't want is totally irrelevant to your marriage - your husband is married to YOU, with your libido. If he didn't feel you were exually compatible he has always had the option to leave.

Not to do what he has done..... It is horrible and you did not in any way deserve it. Sending you all best wishes and strength.

@VickyEadieofThigh as an aside, what happened to all you Thighs??

I literally can’t imagine ever having sex with my husband again, or staying with him if he EVEN ONCE got ANGRY because I said no to sex. Because it’s the behaviour of an abusive arsehole on a very deep level.

your husband has done a lot worse. I’m so sorry that you can’t see this. He could be capable of a lot worse if you stay with him. He’s showing you who he is.

He's sexually coercive and manipulative. He's not entitled to your body, EVER, and the fact he thinks he is is very worrying!

"He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me."

So, another way of putting this, @EllenPooleSearch , is that he thinks he should be the one in sole control of your sexual urges/libido?

I know this is only a tiny aspect of your lives, @EllenPooleSearch , and that you love him. And I get why people calling him "vile" doesn't feel right to you.
But this specific aspect of his behaviour/outlook is really not good, and you are being in no way unreasonable. It doesn't really sound like he's OK with you being a sexual being in a way that doesn't centre him. Tough. You're a human, just as he is. I hope you find a good way forward.

*"Ah. We have been there and I did withdraw consent halfway through (it was hurting me), and he didn’t stop. He said he didn’t hear me as he was too focused on himself.

Which I do kind of get. But it is in the back of my mind a lot."*

So he is rapey just as I suspected. I'm so sorry OP x