Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

What an entitled dick he is. You can change your mind about sex at any time without being subjected to anger. What would he rather do - rape you because that’s what he thought he was getting and is entitled to it??

my abusive exH used to ‘sulk’ when he didn’t get sex. It’s the biggest turn off. I would seriously consider your future with this man. Rather than feeling stressed for two of every four weeks. Of your life.

"He isn't a monster"

He literally is.

"I had a single mother growing up, I don't know what a normal, healthy relationship looks like!"

Listen the people here who do know and are telling you he is abusive, vile and a rapist.

Also him shouting you should do it anyway is definitely not OK. He needs to find other ways to manage his own needs, not being aggressive and unpleasant.

Wow. Your first paragraph especially. I don't know what's scarier, the idea you're a man or the idea you're a woman.

Life is too short to live like this, OP. He's an abusive, coercive pig with a seriously abnormal attitude to sex and you would be better off alone than putting up with this for the rest of your life. Nothing would give the "ick" faster than someone demanding sex.

He sounds horrible. If you dread saying no because he will sulk, then that is coercive abuse. I'm surprised he thinks shouting at you will ''turn you on''. He knows it won't, but that's not important to him, he wants you to give in,not get turned on. He sounds awful.

Don’t be an idiot! You know full well that’s not what I meant. Are you always this touchy? Seek help if you are because you must be miserable.

But when you had sex with him in week 4 and your boobs were hurting etc… he carried in didn’t he? Even though it must have been obvious you weren’t ’as keen’, that your boobs were hurting and it was a time when you normally say NO because you’re not feeling great.
Actually even when you said NO, in the middle of having sex, he carried on.

I dint believe one second he wouldn’t have sex with you. But rather he’d be rejoicing you’ve finally said Yes.

I’ll be honest the ‘i didn’t hear you say NO’ is just an excuse. Just like men say they dint hear their baby crying in the middle if the night. They dint because they don’t feel it’s their responsibility. He didn’t hear you because he didn’t think you’d ever stop him in the middle/doesn’t think you have the right to do that - You’ve said Yes afterall right?

Same with the ‘I’d never want that’
Yep on paper, he doesn’t. It would make him look like monster. In your eyes and his.
But in reality, he does and did.

How can you make him understand? You won’t because it’s all about him and you want to bring it back to what it means to you. And he isn’t ready to let you come first and have your needs come first.

Thanks, and as a man I will second that.
There is a danger on Mumsnet that as men are portayed as evil, it warps what is normal. The way that man is acting is not normal.

OP - I absolutely understand what you mean about your hormone cycle dominating your sex drive - I am exactly the same. For about two weeks my libido is much higher, I am more interested in my appearance, I feel more sparky and energetic, I also look better in the mirror (apparently this is a biological thing!). The other two weeks of my cycle my sex drive nose dives, all I want is a massive packet of chocolate biscuits and my PJs, and I look more tired and old. It is definitely a thing.

Your DH is a bully and a pig. A stupid man who may or may not understand the biology but ultimately doesn't give a shit about your well being, only about what he can get from you. That is not love.

Oh ok so he raped you. Just read this.

yeah you need to leave. No wonder it’s still affecting you!

ANY sign of discomfort or withdrawal of consent they STOP. Immediately.

yeah of course he was only focussed on himself. Because he was literally just using your body for his own sexual gratification. Bloody cheek he has getting upset that ‘you wanting to have sex is only to do with your hormones and nothing to do with him’.

he isn’t even remotely bothered about whether you’re consenting to sex , let alone enjoying it.

Your husband is vile. He's a rapist so of course he's vile. I don't understand how you would ever want sex with him at all.

How do mumsnetters end up with these psycho men and think their behaviour is normal?

Just as a completely unrelated aside - I take magnesium supplements and I no longer have any soreness when I’m premenstrual. Used to be debilitating.

would recommend, in case you might be more comfortable having sex with your new partner after you dump this asshole.

Hang on, I retract my previous comment, I didn't see this. This is disgusting behaviour and as others have said, rape. If you withdraw consent he has to stop. In this light his other comments are vile. Leave this man now OP, this is not OK.

He basically just wants you to be willing to have sex whenever HE feels like it. No consideration or empathy for you or how you might be feeling. Lots of SHOULDS. His needs come first.

Christ he sounds awful and you don’t sound like you want to see it as it is, which is fair enough. Good luck OP, hope it gets better.

For this man, no doesn't mean no.

If you don't feel like it, you don't feel like it.

You shouldn't be tying yourself up in knots justifying it. Or worrying about the sulks.

Even if you do get him to understand, the danger is saying you only want sex two weeks of the month is that he will feel entitled to it like he had use if your body and 'permission,

God forbid you don't want it in those two weeks.

No means no.

He's completely in the wrong for making you feel bad about something when that's just how it is at the moment

I get he wants you to want him (& was happier with the previous regularity) but currently your hormones are making that not happen.

Being the way he is now is just going to be more of a turnoff. The more he pushes, the less you will desire him

However - the most important thing is what do YOU want?
Do you prefer your natural cycle as it is now and dealing with the rollercoaster hormones? Or did you actually prefer it when you were on hormonal contraception and libido was more regular?
You need to be happy with the frequency you feel horny and want sex (am thinking this purely in general for you, not necessarily doing it with him!)

He did hear you.
He just didn’t care that it was hurting you.
He knew you were in pain and he decided his orgasm was more important.
He knew you had withdrawn consent, he just didn’t care.

Feel free to ask me how I know this.

I know it's really hard to hear, OP. But this. I'm really sorry he is doing this to you. You are not in the wrong. He is. xx

Sorry but he sounds horrible. My first husband was just the same. I got totally sick of him. We are not just for friction. I’d tell him to go forth and #### himself.

OP, this is ridiculous behaviour.

The next time he has a bad stomach ache or is knackered tired, tell him you want sex NOW, because you’re being nice and he shouldn’t be led by what his body feels, but by only by YOUR NEEDS.

Do not let him speak to you like this. The other posters are right: This is abusive and you need to realise that.

@Sweden99 and @Deathbyfluffy
I don't think women here think men are evil, it's just that quite often we come here because we're experiencing behaviours from the men in our lives which don't sit right but we've been conditioned to accept. So it might seem like there's a disproportionate amount of anger towards men in that context. Let's face it, generally speaking when people are happy in their relationships they generally don't come online and talk about it, so I think it's wrong to say women on MN portray men as evil. We're relaying, discussing and coming to terms with awful behaviour from men - I have experienced appalling behaviour from far too many men since my childhood and so have many other women on here.

Of course there are decent men out there- we know that, but many of us have experienced a disproportionately high level of abuse at the hands of men and I think it's unfair to suggest we indiscriminately think men are 'evil'.