Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

I think this post is very wise, @EllenPooleSearch

You are making excuses for him. Concentrating on whether he understands female biology is self diversion. It actually doesn't matter if he understands female biology. What matters is he is hearing you but not listening to you. If in the middle of sex you said no he should have stopped immediately. If you say you don't want sex because of how you feel he should respect that. If you want to discuss distressing incidents in the past he should be prepared to do that. He should be kind always not expect a reward.

The flaw in your argument is apparent when one partner wants it every day, and the other does not.

sometimes issues with sex resolve themselves when you kick the bellend out of your life...

2 weeks. It's 2 weeks where op doesn't want sex and you feel she should compromise and give him a blowie?

And yea, sex generally does only happen when the person wants it. Otherwise its rape.

If you fear him getting angry or sulking… I’m very sorry to say it to you as you seem to love him so much but it is a form of abuse. And I’m saying this from a kind place as I was in an abusive relationship. It’s not unreasonable if you have cramps ect not to want sex
i know I am going to get bashed here from other mnetters but would he be happy with a bj or hand job as a compromise. I’m just thinking of you and trying to find a work around.
However I don’t agree that he should see sex as a reward for being nice to you, he should be nice to you regardless!
I know it’s alot to take in as you might not have ever considered your husband was being abusive … I am very sorry for me situation.

He is a monster. He’s a rapist. And you’re defending him and refusing to see that. It’s really, really worrying.

That sounds like you've been told or learned you should be like that cycle-wise so you've gone along with it instead of listening to your body/mind.

I agree with your husband, it sounds weird to me. I don't know anyone else who is as specific about when sex should be "scheduled."

If you're suffering half of every month, that's not right, it sounds like something else is going on with your health. If you mentally don't want sex or you're physically tired that's different, but it sounds like you have a lot of symptoms that last a long time.

I feel more like having sex a day or two before, and I don't often feel like it during, but that's a week at most rather than two, and the rest of the month is unaffected either way.

I hope you're still reading Op even though this has become a difficult read. I understand your DH not being happy with the thought it's only your hormones making you want sex but he's being over the top with this, lots and lots of women are more turned on by certain parts of their cycle, it doesn't mean they'd shag anyone, that's an unkind thing to say. I know it's not every man but some men can be weird and unpleasant about sex, they want the pleasure and don't seem to understand that women can be turned off much more effectively by discomfort or even pain, they just see as you not desiring them.
Is there a chance you could find something online that could explain to him better, something that coming from an outside source would get him to think about this more logically?

He sounds awful @EllenPooleSearch . And no, nothing means he's entitled to sex when he wants it. Him stropping around when he doesn't get it, is sexual coercion.

Hormones change as you age, go on BC, come off it etc.

I have around 5 days of breast pain to the point I can just tolerate a soft bra, and about 7 days of absolute rage. Would never feel like sex even if Brad Pitt waved his cock at me. So similar to Op. Many friends the same. Not weird in the slightest, as confirmed by one of the top gynaes in my region when I saw him about something else 😊

Wow just wow.
LTB he's being abusive and you don't have to tolerate this.😠

reread the post and it does not say he wants it everyday.

You're afraid, he is vile.

I will read all your thread but having read your OP I am so sorry ou accidentally married a sex pest.

He thinks you should have sex when he's been nice to you? So in kind rather than money. Not because it is a mutually nice thing to do with someone you love.

What a fool he is to think he can override hormones. He's an idiot and I hope you don't waste anymore time with him. Maybe have a try and making him understand and maybe be less active during weeks 2+3

Another one with the 'compromise' suggestion 🙄

Set your bar higher than the floor op.

No, don't have sex when you don't want to and when you're at the point of being scared to say no then I think your relationship is over anyway.

I'm not sure - I was only a guest thigh. I think there was a Mumsnet cull!

You are focusing in all the wrong things here and not listening to the feedback being given!

He is vile, sulking is abusive its a way of getting what he wants!

Yep. Avoid marital rape and coercive abuse by offering the odd bj.

Seriously wtaf??

I don't think he does understand.

Men are much more likely to be up for it all the time. Women are much more likely to have desires that rise and fall with their cycle.

But, of course, he should understand, because the OP has told him and a caring partner would listen to her.

Yep, but he's been told and should be understanding, not angry.

Wait until menopause, her life might be a misery.

He doesn't even have to understand, as such. Just to think 'fair enough' rather than thinking (wrongly) how OP feels about sex is wrong and should be overridden.

Yep, compromise, like it's deciding whether to have roast chicken or poached and settling on grilled. It's so depressing.