Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

He is vile. He doesn't need to understand biology to not be rapey. Nobody is owed sex.

He’s horrific!!! My god. What a twat

we are meant to feel like sex when we ovulate. That’s evolution!!!

what he’s said though is awful.

I’ve been really unwell and haven’t wanted sex since June. My husband has been so patient and I realise how good he’s been to me

I couldn't read all of that because it was too rapey and triggering.

The man wants to rape you. What a foul, evil monster. You are not there for his sexual gratification, Jesus!

He wants to use you for his gratification as PAYMENT for "doing something for you".

Jesus woman, bin him and for God's sake, get some self esteem and standards for yourself!

Why do you think you need to ask if you should open your legs for a man when you've already said no?

I'm so upset :(

Oh, honey.

He heard you. He raped you. He's abusive. You're reading the victim's script at the moment but hopefully this thread will stick in your mind and you'll gradually realise. It took me a while. Come back when you're ready to leave and MN will help.

If your child told you what you’ve ssid

you be totally fine with it would you? You’d say oh don’t worry about the coercion. Hell only sulk….

OP, he rapes you. Do you need someone to put it as bluntly as that?

OP you seem to view rape as violent and rapists as monsters. Often neither are true which can mask the truth of what happens in a relationship with coercion and control. Society has a long way to go on this one and you owe it to yourself to understand exactly what’s happening to you. Good luck.

He is vile and, viewed from an outside perspective, I say LTB. No amount of other 'good' behaviour makes up for viewing you as an object that he is entitled to.

and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle

You what??

You're a woman. Not a man or a fucking slot machine. You're perfectly normal.

or when he has done something nice for me

OP - I think your husband regards you as his possession, as just a variation of a prostitute, someone who isn't worth being nice to because you love them, but only worth being 'nice' to to get something in return. Makes me think of how he regards women generally.

I am quite afraid of that happening again

As far as I'm concerned you are in a relationship with a bully, a man who will use and abuse you until your mental health wears away and you start becoming ill with he stress of it. In your shoes I'd be scared of being raped.

See the thing is he might find it damaging to his ego that you only want him during those weeks where you’re ultra horny.

but he has to see this from your point of view. If one out of every ten times there was a chance I’d end up being raped or in pain because he “didn’t hear me” because he was “too focused on his own pleasure” there is ZERO chance I would ever initiate sex. It also doesn’t sound like you’re having good sex or that he’s a good and considerate lover because if he was then he wouldn’t be able to use not hearing you as an excuse.

but I’ll say again. Unless you only said it in your head, he heard you and knew you didn’t want to have sex. He heard you and he carried on anyway. Because he didn’t care about your pain - maybe he liked it I don’t know. I’m guessing you also weren’t responding enthusiastically so if he was a good man or any good at sex he would know from your body language you were in pain and didn’t want to continue. “I didn’t hear you” is bullshit designed to make you shut up and go “ok fair enough maybe he didn’t.” He did. He chose to keep hurting you instead of foregoing his orgasm.

yeah. No wonder you don’t initiate because you can’t trust him. I honestly think men don’t see this is a big deal oops sorry - whereas for the victim it’s a violation of trust that leaves you feeling vulnerable

This. ^ @EllenPooleSearch This thread is a truly disturbing read. The majority of posters on here are telling you that you are in an abusive - COERCIVE relationship, and you're not seeing it. You are practically defending him, and acting like he's just a bit annoying, when the truth of the matter is that he is a vile abusive cunt who is gaslighting you. And as some pps have said, he is raping you.

I think you need to start to take steps to leave him. Sadly, I don't believe that you will.

Oh my god this is so awful I can't believe what I've read!

He doesn't get to sulk because you don't want to have sex. WHATEVER the reason.

Yes it's important to both be happy with your sex life but that involves empathy, communication, compromise and understanding, NOT this. Argh!

Libido is driven by hormones and is personal to everyone. Your hormones / body are saying no two weeks every month. Desire can’t be forced, encouraged yes, by thoughtful behaviour and an attractive person, but not actually forced.

He doesn’t need to understand how your body works (though I’m sure he could if he wanted to). He just needs to respect you and listen to what you tell him.

I don’t know how you could ever want sex with him given his attitude.

Perimenopause affected my sex drive badly, my ex refused to understand. Sex was entangled with his ego and entitlement. He would sulk and carry on and I spent years having sex didn’t want, it poisoned the sex I did want, and the whole relationship eventually.

@EllenPooleSearch when I have given even a hint of pain during sex and my DH has asked me if I want to stop and I say carry on, he stops. As seeing me in pain is a huge turn off for him and he doesn’t want to hurt me. I promise you your DH did hear you say stop, and he didn’t want to. Who wants to have sex with someone just using you as a blow up doll and just concentrating on themselves?

The fact that he is only nice to you to have sex as a return is also worrying. I couldn’t have sex for a year, my DH was only nicer to me. He didn’t stop the loving gestures because he wasn’t perceiving to get anything back.

please listen to everyone else detailing what a loving relationship should be like.

And to answer your original question, my hormones are the same, I only ever want sex during similar weeks. You can be crappy/pre menstrual call it what you like and not feel like sex for any reason, even you saw a purple cat do a somersault can be the reason you say no. Posters who say they have sex every day of the month is great for them but you are you.

It’s just that he doesn’t understand why I only feel like sex at some times of the month

He DOES understand OP. I'm afraid if he seems like he doesn't, it's because he's being dishonest or thinks that what you say has zero value. It's very easy for him to look up female biology and sex drive. He has access to the internet. He can read. There's no excuse. He just thinks he owns your body and should be able to do what he wants with it, when he wants.

He just says “but what about all the times that didn’t happen? What about all the times I didn’t push you for sex and just said ‘ok’? The bad times were only a small number and not very recent

OP this sounds very close to him thinking that he deserves a gold star for all the times he didn't rape you. It's just grim. Please escape for your own wellbeing. He's a horrible man.

OP, assuming your partner has no SEN issues then please face up to the fact that he’s abusive. I know you don’t want that to be true but it’s glaringly obvious and the more you try to defend his actions the more obvious it becomes.

I feel horny around ovulation too. It is normal

Don't you dare blame SEN as a reason for him raping his wife! That is so offensive

Being forced in to sex is abuse!

He doesn’t need to understand it. He just needs to respect it.

Disgusting behaviour and emotionally abusive. You must have sex when xyz. You have sex when YOU want to. He can have a wank the other times.
If I were you my vagina would clamp shut for the entire time after comments like that. I'd never wanna go there despite my libido.
Reminds me of once a guy woke me up out of my bed claiming I OWED him a blow job. I burst out laughing and said well your never getting one again after that you tosser.

He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me.

Thats IS vile.

WAKE UP.

Also - please OP stop asking "how can I make him understand this".

He isn't challenging or questioning how you feel because he doesn't understand it.

He's questioning it because he doesn't ACCEPT it. Because it doesn't SUIT HIM.

Your feelings are all he needs to understand, but he isn't interested in your feelings, clearly.

If he really saw sex as a moment of intimacy and pleasure he would ask, "what do you like at those moments instead" and do that for you, be it a massage or a tub of Ben and Jerry's or just time alone. He DOESN'T CARE.