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Original poster

Husband makes us have a horrible time if its something he didn't want to do/go - is this common?

133 replies

camillarthur297 · 19/01/2024 23:20

I have noticed lately my husband makes our entire trip/day out painful if he didn't want to originally go somewhere. I on the other hand quite frequently go to his family/friends events with a smile on my face (some I don't always want to do) - I am starting to feel resentful towards him. An example is we socialised with his friends/family 2 or 3 nights in a row, and I asked if next weekend we could go without drinking and do something not hungover. I asked to go to a food market, and the entire drive up there he didn't say a word, didn't say a word walking around the market (face like a slapped a$$!) would answer with yes or no answers. It really is starting to bring my mood down.
He does this quite often, we went to a museum once and didn't talk the whole drive down (2 hours) if I accuse him of this he says im crazy and hes absolutely fine.
Surely every so often you should do things your other half wants to do, and not sulk about it? Or are other peoples husbands like this... is it more common than I think?!!

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 19/01/2024 23:21

Absolutely pathetic behaviour. My DH can be a prick but he's not a sulker, that's just so unkind to ruin your nice trips.

AnImaginaryCat · 19/01/2024 23:22

No it's not common. You have a bad one there.

Channellingsophistication · 19/01/2024 23:24

its not normal behaviour no.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/01/2024 23:26

Yes. My ex did this. It took me longer than it should have to twig.

Key word = ex.

JadziaD · 19/01/2024 23:28

It’s you - cardigan/parents can’t visit/terrible sex/no family at Christmas again, isn’t it?

OP this man is terrible. He is abusive. Sulking is just one of the many ways he controls you. It will only get worse.

LusaBatoosa · 19/01/2024 23:29

You must know this isn’t common, surely?

CharlotteMakepeace · 19/01/2024 23:32

He's awful. Why would you put up with with a pathetic specimen like him?

Bootskates · 19/01/2024 23:33

He's doing it so you don't bother expressing what you would like to do in future and just go along with what he wants.

I couldn't be doing with that.

LightenUpTheRideIsShort · 19/01/2024 23:38

JadziaD · 19/01/2024 23:28

It’s you - cardigan/parents can’t visit/terrible sex/no family at Christmas again, isn’t it?

OP this man is terrible. He is abusive. Sulking is just one of the many ways he controls you. It will only get worse.

Blimey, there’s more?

OP he sounds awful.
How old are you and how long have you been married?

Original poster
camillarthur297 · 19/01/2024 23:40

JadziaD · 19/01/2024 23:28

It’s you - cardigan/parents can’t visit/terrible sex/no family at Christmas again, isn’t it?

OP this man is terrible. He is abusive. Sulking is just one of the many ways he controls you. It will only get worse.

@JadziaD sorry I don’t think it’s me lol. But I did worry he is doing this as a form of control. @Bootskates this was my fear, he is trying to wear me down so I don’t do it again. Sigh.

OP posts:
Tangelablue · 19/01/2024 23:41

Stop going places with him. Spend more time with friends or family who don't behave like this. I don't know why you put yourself through this misery

Mufflepuff · 19/01/2024 23:43

My Dad did this. He was also emotionally abusive in other ways. I've armchair diagnosed him with covert narcissism. Have a Google and see if it sounds familiar.

Original poster
camillarthur297 · 19/01/2024 23:44

Tangelablue · 19/01/2024 23:41

Stop going places with him. Spend more time with friends or family who don't behave like this. I don't know why you put yourself through this misery

@Tangelablue i think he’s response to that would just be to go and do things on his own and live 2 completely separate lives (eg he would probably switch off to some extent, or ignore me)

Apparently that’s what happened with his ex. One of the things I remember him saying is he used to have to go everywhere alone. I felt sorry for him…

OP posts:
SkaterGrrrrl · 19/01/2024 23:44

My DH would never do this. Not normal, no.

YankeeDad · 19/01/2024 23:47

@camillarthur297

There is one thing that might be worth trying if you have not already done this:

the next time you ask him to attend something he is not into doing, tell him that your request is more than that he just attend — tell him that your request is for him to attend AND maintain a positive demeanor and attitude so that you can enjoy yourself AND that he try to enjoy it a little bit himself if at all possible.

Then if he manages to deliver, tell him that you really appreciated it. That does not mean bending over backwards or praising him for an exceptional act. It just means saying “Thank you” in a way that is not perfunctory, that lets him know his efforts are not taken totally for granted.

He may be oblivious to the efforts you make for events that matter to him, and he may also tell himself he is meeting your requests when by being a sourpuss, he is really not. Or, he may just be a dick. I don’t know.

However, formulating your request in this sort of precise way might get you a better result, or if it doesn’t, it might instead give you information about what you need to do next with the relationship …

Noseybookworm · 20/01/2024 00:11

You need to tell him if he can't be bothered to make the effort for you, you will not be making the effort with his family and friends in future. Relationships are about give and take - sounds like he only wants to take!

WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo · 20/01/2024 00:15

It's not normal at all. Can you imagine being such a dick that you decided to ruin someone else's day out because of pure selfishness?

Ladyj84 · 20/01/2024 00:44

Eh my hubby and I do most things together we both have our favourite things to do but still do them together to. I can't imagine mine not talking. I think I would rather bealone if I was in your shoes

EverybodyLTB · 20/01/2024 00:52

Sounds like he’s a narcissist. I bet there’s other emotional manipulation going on, too. I know everyone says the term narcissist gets thrown about too much - but I think there’s a lot of them around. Toxic, no matter what the diagnosis.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/01/2024 00:54

🤣 He used to have to go everywhere on his own? That's really funny, she obviously got wise to him pretty quickly. Now you have to get wise to him. This is the way he behaves and always will behave. His last girlfriend wouldn't put up with it. Are you going to?

RogueFemale · 20/01/2024 01:00

It may be 'common' but it's not normal behaviour, it's nasty infantile behaviour. I wouldn't bother to drag him along on your days out, but equally I wouldn't bother to go to his boring events.

Codlingmoths · 20/01/2024 01:07

This is not normal. Work yourself up to: dinner with my parents tonight camilla.
you: no, I don’t feel like it, I’m not going tod o what you do whenever I suggest doing things which is be a grumpy sulky arsehole the entire time, so I will just have to not go. You are also saved from being a grumpy asshole as I don’t plan to ask you anywhere with me again, until you’ve decided you want to actually be a partner. I guess if you don’t we live our own lives separately for a little while then realise that this isn’t a relationship and split up. I’m off for a walk on the heath this afternoon, enjoy dinner with your parents.

Peanutsforthebluetit · 20/01/2024 01:42

Not normal but my ex was like this.
I started doing things with the kids without him.
I stopped inviting him on holidays because he always put us on a downer.

That was the start of my emotional disconnection with him.

Some people are so negative they wear you down and life’s too short.

Opentooffers · 20/01/2024 02:23

I doubt I'd be all that happy driving for 2 hours with just a museum at the end of it tbf on my day off.
Does he cook? A food market might interest him more if he does, but if you do it all its not going to engage him. He did come with you though, I think some partners would of just said no to going. However, he might as well not have come. Is there some activity you could suggest that he might like, or better still a shared interest? Might help him engage more.

Shoxfordian · 20/01/2024 05:56

He's trying to train you like a puppy into not wanting to do those things in future because he acts so badly it ruins them - it's absolutely a form of control and probably not the only one