Husband makes us have a horrible time if its something he didn't want to do/go - is this common?

[camillarthur297]

I have noticed lately my husband makes our entire trip/day out painful if he didn't want to originally go somewhere. I on the other hand quite frequently go to his family/friends events with a smile on my face (some I don't always want to do) - I am starting to feel resentful towards him. An example is we socialised with his friends/family 2 or 3 nights in a row, and I asked if next weekend we could go without drinking and do something not hungover. I asked to go to a food market, and the entire drive up there he didn't say a word, didn't say a word walking around the market (face like a slapped a$$!) would answer with yes or no answers. It really is starting to bring my mood down.
He does this quite often, we went to a museum once and didn't talk the whole drive down (2 hours) if I accuse him of this he says im crazy and hes absolutely fine.
Surely every so often you should do things your other half wants to do, and not sulk about it? Or are other peoples husbands like this... is it more common than I think?!!

My 13 year old autistic son is like this. Ruins activities of any sort by being grumpy & rude unless it's something he specifically wants to do. Eg bbq at his friends house - great, bbq at his siblings friends - awful. So nothing to do with food/people/noise etc in this particular example.

Before his (recent) diagnosis I was despairing at how utterly selfish he is. Psychologist said this was quite a common trait.

There are of course other difficulties he has, but this particular issue makes me think he's never going to be able to sustain a relationship.

You should do more things separately. You shouldn't be forced to go out with his friends 3 nights

EVEN if this was common, (it's not, ltb), so what?!?
'My life with this horrible man is horrible but as long as everyone else's husband is horrible, that will make it ok.'
Or, be single op, being with a horrible man isn't compulsory.

Ive had this, its horrible. like why cant they just enjoy it for the fact its spending time with a supposed loved one? whys everything got to be something they are really into? and you arnt asking them to jump around excitedly just to be normal, walk normal, have normal conversation and not look like you have just talked about getting a divorce!!

but i will say it isn't normal.

Is he only interested in activities that involve alcohol? Is that the problem too?

I wondered that too, is the sulking also linked to being denied a drink?

Sounds like your energy doesn’t match his. Is he even your friend? He’s not treating you like one. What a shame. Disrespectful.

When you’re in a nice relaxed mood together I’d tell him you’ve noted this childish behaviour and it’s bringing you down. Tell him you won’t accept it.

Do some more things separately. Go out with your girlfriends when he's out with his mates. Take your mum to the museum if he hates it.

There doesn't seem to be any point to having a conversation with him about this as he will just gaslight, I see he said you were crazy. Agree with others, do things separately. But it's not fair!

If you don't think he's a total waste of space, talk to him. Men can be spectacularly uncomplicated about stuff, to the point of simplicity. If I do anything with a smile on my face, or good grace, DH assumes I love it.

Tell him you do a lot for him with good grace, so that he can relax and enjoy time with family etc. You don't sulk, give him the silent treatment or try to train him out of suggestions you dislike by creating a foul atmosphere. And you want him to show you the same respect and affection. If he tries new things with a bit more effort at enjoyment he'll have a better day and so will everyone else.

It shouldn't be normal. Me and my partner compromise on things we want to do. Sometimes he does things I want to do because I want to and vice versa. My partner does get social anxiety after so long so we compromise and the amount of time at social events. Or I go without him. Or I leave later.

He wouldn't sit there with a sulky face or make me feel bad. If it's somewhere he truly wouldn't enjoy, I tend to do those things with girlfriends or my family such as seeing maybe girlie films at the cinema.

It truly is about compromise and respect. Your husband is doing neither.

It’s part of control.

He needs to learn about give and take.

Training you out of suggestions he won’t like…, =spot on.
and the advice here in this post good .

This. With bells on.

Are you married to a 13 year old boy. I'd go on your own to places, you'll have more fun. You could meet someone you have something in common with rather that being with your man-child.

I would say normal to have a whinge- I do (like eurgh do we have to😂). But no, you put a smile on and just do it.
DD loves the fair, adventure parks and I hate rides etc. I literally stand and wait with them, then walk down the steps when they get on the rides. But I do it for my DD who loves it and wants me to go. Thankfully DH will get on the rides but he isn’t a fan of those places either. Just suck it up!

My dad did this along with lots of other emotionally abusive things. In the end we did nothing he didn't want to do.

It is abuse.

What are you going to do about it? He will not get any better and once you have children it will be much worse, after all he really won't get to what he wants all of the time. You either learn to live with it and have a hellish life for evermore or you divorce him.

I honestly can’t stand that kind of controlling behaviour. I had a guy I was seeing for a few months try pull that silent treatment on me a few times, if he’d agreed to do something but then changed his mind. Instead of just admitting he changed his mind he would sulk, I just find that behaviour in a man deeply unattractive and cowardly .

OP your situation is obviously a lot different as you’re married so it’s difficult but no, it is not normal or OK. Was he always like this?
And does he ever enjoy doing non-alchohol related things with you?

I guess the writing was on the wall if he did that with a previous partner, what was his justification of that? I’d say any man happy to lead that kind of completely separate life while still officially with a long term partner is showing that he probably doesn’t really like women tbh.

He sees them as a useful thing to have for splitting bills & having frequent sex perhaps and for future kids, but doesn’t really cherish the woman he is with and enjoy her company like a life partner should.

Yes my ex husband used to do this. Any event he didn't want to do. I recall one particularly embarrassing 40th birthday party that I had helped a teen organise for her mum (my friend). His behaviour was appalling and I was mortified. He was so rude to everybody. It's not normal behaviour.

I had an ex like this who didn't want to do anything at all at weekends and sulked and said he was feeling ill everytime we actually went out anywhere.

It doesn't get any better.

I think you should start doing things separately or with your friends or family. Maybe he hates food markets and is bored shitless - ditto museum. But that absolutely does not excuse the sulky behaviour in the car all the way there and back.
If he was a decent person he'd make the best of it because he loved you and at least attempt to enjoy the time chatting in the car even if he then wandered around the market with his face tripping him.

Once you have started doing more things with friends instead of with him, maybe decide whether you want/need him in your life. It sounds like you don't have children with him yet so please consider of this is the type of man you want to have kids with. Is he going to throw a strop when the kids want to go to some place or event that he's not interested in!

We took our children to Disneyland Paris years ago. It is quite literally my husbands worst nightmare, he hated every minute, probably cursing under his breath the entire time. BUT he didn't mention it at all, he smiled and played with the children, he endured it for the rest of us. He wouldn't dream of ruining things for other people, because he's not an arse. We're actually hoping to take them all to Florida, he probably won't overly enjoy most of it, though we will of course plan things he would enjoy too, but he knows the children would love it, so he's happy to go for them. Because again, he's not an arse.

i think he’s response to that would just be to go and do things on his own and live 2 completely separate lives (eg he would probably switch off to some extent, or ignore me)

Apparently that’s what happened with his ex. One of the things I remember him saying is he used to have to go everywhere alone. I felt sorry for him…

Ahh, so he has form and hasn’t learnt or cared to learn.

The balls in your court because this is who he is and appears to have probably always been.

If you don't think he's a total waste of space, talk to him. Men can be spectacularly uncomplicated about stuff, to the point of simplicity. If I do anything with a smile on my face, or good grace, DH assumes I love it.

Tell him you do a lot for him with good grace, so that he can relax and enjoy time with family etc. You don't sulk, give him the silent treatment or try to train him out of suggestions you dislike by creating a foul atmosphere. And you want him to show you the same respect and affection. If he tries new things with a bit more effort at enjoyment he'll have a better day and so will everyone else.

You see this is such reasonable advice and if he's worth his salt he'll listen.

My prediction (through experience) is that he will be furious when you plainly articulate his behaviour, particularly the parts about sulking, silent treatment or training you to disregard your wishes for his. He'll go straight into indignant and angry.
Before long YOU will be unreasonable and YOU will be 'starting an argument'. HE will be upset, HE will be hurt. You end up making the peace. His work is done.

"No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did."

Hope he's decent for you. Good luck. x