Husband makes us have a horrible time if its something he didn't want to do/go - is this common?

[camillarthur297]

I have noticed lately my husband makes our entire trip/day out painful if he didn't want to originally go somewhere. I on the other hand quite frequently go to his family/friends events with a smile on my face (some I don't always want to do) - I am starting to feel resentful towards him. An example is we socialised with his friends/family 2 or 3 nights in a row, and I asked if next weekend we could go without drinking and do something not hungover. I asked to go to a food market, and the entire drive up there he didn't say a word, didn't say a word walking around the market (face like a slapped a$$!) would answer with yes or no answers. It really is starting to bring my mood down.
He does this quite often, we went to a museum once and didn't talk the whole drive down (2 hours) if I accuse him of this he says im crazy and hes absolutely fine.
Surely every so often you should do things your other half wants to do, and not sulk about it? Or are other peoples husbands like this... is it more common than I think?!!

God wake up woman!

This guy is selfish, ridiculous, manipulative and abusive

You stay then you’ll be subjected to further moods & abuse - you go and you won’t have to tolerate this anymore

It is that simple

It's dickish behaviour. But why are you both making each other plaster on a smile and do things you don't want to do so often?

Yes, every once in a while you suck it up for your partner's sake. But that should be very occasionally! Seems like you're doing it for him too much and maybe expecting him to do it a lot too.

Doing what you want to do most of the time makes for a nicer life. For both of you.

Not normal, no

God he sounds hideous. He will get worse and worse with age.

Nothing as hot as a sulky, petulant man.
I would not tolerate this - I would go on my own and not do anything I didn’t want to do.
If someone started sulking like this I would just ignore them and leave them to it. Absolutely pathetic.

I would hate this. I can't bear men who sulk.

Also, it sounds like you haven't got much in common, if your choices about how to spend your free time are often so different?

Not normal or acceptable behaviour. My DH booked us tickets to a show. It was not his thing at all but he booked them for us and he didn't act like a twat. You need to ask yourself, can you live like this forever?

Please say you don't have kids...

Normal for abusive controlling people/men in particular.
Abnormal for healthy normal adults.

My childhood memories of anything nice we did were times my dad wasn't there.
My mum just didn't take him.
He'd sulk, bring heavy energy and do silent treatment OR pick a fight and give out then sulk, bring heavy energy and do silent treatment.

People are allowed to have feelings...
My DH and I occasionally make the odd mild protestation if it's a particularly lame event and we just don't want to
(memorably he made me come to a hogmanay party with some of dickhead Oxbridge friends and I made him do a zoom quiz with my mates in lockdown )
Both of us were a bit salty 😂 but these are one offs rather than regular sulks about nothing in particular.

In the husband's defence, I don't know. We are finding out that my daughter is autistic and I am starting to wonder if my husband is also (undiagnosed) neurodivergent. He has always had a bad time if we go to busy places with crowds and starts to get stressed and panicky, which could be interpreted as not making the effort.
Everyone doesn't enjoy everything and it's not necessary to do everything together, especially if it'll be particularly difficult or stressful for one person, depending on the circumstances of course.

You need to leave or he does.

It is a form of coercion and control and will only get worse. It will start to include what you wear, your friendships, job even your hair.

It is a form of abuse and must be taken seriously.

He's a big baby.

I do try and agree things with my husband first though, so we usually do things or go places that we both want to. Obviously I would not expect him to sulk on the odd occasion we do something he would prefer not to however.

Hi your husband sounds like an classic Arsehole, !

If this is out of character?
Wonder why?
I suspect its not though,
The question to ask is why all sudden 🤔 change of behaviour giving off overwhelming shitty men persno air vibes about his behaviour then?

I don't know how common is but is pathetic. He is doing it on purpose to manipulate you.

This is how it started for me too, either he refused to go or would sulk and be moody if I made him. Ended up doing stuff with the kids on my own, and think for me too this was the start of my emotional disconnection. Used to upset me seeing families out in the park together when it was always just me and the kids. Told him last month I would like to separate.

This next time he asks you to go to his family ask him if it's ok if you silk like a toddler and don't speak except yes or no like he does when you ask him to go somewhere with you. Tell him you've clocked it and it's not an attractive look and one you won't tolerate in future.

LTB

I'd take great delight in not appearing to notice his grumpiness. Gaslight him back!

you know it’s a longstanding behaviour then. And that he doesn’t see any problem with it. He won’t change. He’ll just start complaining about how he had to go everywhere alone if you set boundaries and stop going along with what he wants. And he’ll complain about how you forced him to do all these dreadful things.

People like this really know what they’re doing when they tell you their poor me story when you first meet them. You don’t have the full context and it sets you up to be ‘better than his ex’. It’s an inherently dysfunctional dynamic. But it’s presented in a way that hides the red flags quite effectively.

My ex was like this...not pleasant

No not normal at all.

This is a common abuse tactic when someone isn’t in control. It’s designed to stop you from doing whatever they don’t want you to do without them ever having to explicitly state they won’t let you do it. It’s most often used after the women goes out independently but it’s not unheard of in this situation. Please spend some time educating yourself on abusive relationships so you can begin to look at your relationship more critically. The freedom programme online is a good place to start.

No, it's not common. But you shouldn't be forcing a smile and pretending to enjoy things you don't, either.
If there is no reason to have to do things together, then don't.
You'll resent 'grinning and bearing it', particularly when he is less willing to do so.
If DH doesn't want to do the same thing on a day out as I do, he takes himself off and does something he finds more interesting. No sulking.

@Opentooffers no that's dancing around him again and pandering.