Husband makes us have a horrible time if its something he didn't want to do/go - is this common?

[camillarthur297]

I have noticed lately my husband makes our entire trip/day out painful if he didn't want to originally go somewhere. I on the other hand quite frequently go to his family/friends events with a smile on my face (some I don't always want to do) - I am starting to feel resentful towards him. An example is we socialised with his friends/family 2 or 3 nights in a row, and I asked if next weekend we could go without drinking and do something not hungover. I asked to go to a food market, and the entire drive up there he didn't say a word, didn't say a word walking around the market (face like a slapped a$$!) would answer with yes or no answers. It really is starting to bring my mood down.
He does this quite often, we went to a museum once and didn't talk the whole drive down (2 hours) if I accuse him of this he says im crazy and hes absolutely fine.
Surely every so often you should do things your other half wants to do, and not sulk about it? Or are other peoples husbands like this... is it more common than I think?!!

My prediction (through experience) is that he will be furious when you plainly articulate his behaviour, particularly the parts about sulking, silent treatment or training you to disregard your wishes for his. He'll go straight into indignant and angry.
Before long YOU will be unreasonable and YOU will be 'starting an argument'. HE will be upset, HE will be hurt. You end up making the peace. His work is done
Agree with this.

The advice from other posters is excellent but the success rate is likely to be low.

He's doing the day out version of weaponised incompetence, just instead of deliberately doing households jobs appallingly so he's never asked again, he's trying to be so sulky and manipulative that OP stops asking to do things she enjoys because the day won't be much fun anyway so what's the point.

The script will come out about how amazing he is for doing all this stuff he doesn't like and the OP will be presented as unreasonable and ungrateful. DARVO.

"No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did."

lol so very true! I’ve noticed this with quite a few people - both men & women - who have narcissistic tendencies.

Before long YOU will be unreasonable and YOU will be 'starting an argument'. HE will be upset, HE will be hurt. You end up making the peace. His work is done

It’s such a commonly used tactic. The final straw for me and my ex was when I raised the fact he was clearly reluctant about coming to pick me up as promised. He turned it around claiming he was SO upset about my baseless accusation that he couldn’t see me that weekend. I just calmly told him I couldn’t have that - me upsetting him - so it’s best we break up immediately. He protested but it was too late - I ended things so fast he didn’t know what had hit him. Hope it makes him think twice before he pulls that DARVO crap on anyone else.

Do you have kids, because I would just leave him

It is the behaviour of a truculent teen, but it is also really weird that you are "making him" go to places he doesn't want to go.

Why on earth would you take someone to a food festival or a museum 2 hours away, who wasn't interested in that thing ?

If I want to go to something dh isn't interested in, then I either go on my own, or arrange to go with a friend who is interested. Same as if he wants to go to something that doesn't appeal to me.

Being married to someone doesn't mean you have to spend all your waking time together.

My ex H did this. Sweetness and light if others there, but if us and the kids I'd get ignored. Spiteful.

So at best he's selfish and childish and doesn't care about your feelings.

At worst he's abusive.

Either way - he won't get better, he'll probably get worse. And even if he doesn't get worse, do you want to live with a selfish, imature, uncaring man the rest of your days?

My ex did this often on things that weren’t about him - days out, birthdays etc. horrible and one of the many reasons he’s an ex!

@NewName24 I think bit is more the case that he doesn't want to do anything that she suggests, not so much that he specifically does not like museums or food halls.

In my experience it’s normal behaviour from my childhood and adult life. Shouldn’t be though.

"No one is angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did."

I would add the rider "as long as you have absolute, incontravertible, proof - because otherwise it never happened."

shitty behaviour.

In a similar situation here- things started very badly wrong after DC were born. What was the straw that finally broke the camels back in your case?

My prediction (through experience) is that he will be furious when you plainly articulate his behaviour, particularly the parts about sulking, silent treatment or training you to disregard your wishes for his. He'll go straight into indignant and angry.
Before long YOU will be unreasonable and YOU will be 'starting an argument'. HE will be upset, HE will be hurt. You end up making the peace. His work is done

This is scarily spot on! My ex (holds up 'hills are -->' placard to OP) was absolutely like this. I was a broken woman by the end of our marriage. He was such an abusive asshole. I couldn't really see it when I was in it because I was constantly avoiding conflict and working overtime to make sure he stayed off my back. I was always trying to stay one step ahead of his moods and his conflict- seeking behaviour. Holidays were a fucking nightmare. I'd have 2 weeks of this bullshit. And if he happened to actually, miraculously remain nice on one of our days out, he'd pull his anger antics the next day instead (guilt tripping me for the expense of the previous day's outing, ignoring me, basically making me feel awful for cruelly dragging him around, for example, Lisbon! Because life's so fucking hard when you have to see Lisbon. 🙄Asshole. Total assclown!).
Mine's in Brixton prison now. I wonder what that's like.

And to add further "and if you do have proof, they will say that they only did it because you made them, so it is actually your fault anyway"...

OP my exh was like this and, no, this is not normal, its controlling. Mine wanted to control everything we do so if he would come he would sulk to spoil my mood too or not come to make me feel bad and show that he disagrees. It took me a long time to realize that this is “not normal” and even longer to realize that I did not have to put up with this and to LTB. I strongly suggest you do the same. He will not change and this will drive you crazy.

Pretend to not notice! "Oh I'm really pleased we came here today, I'm having a great time. Thanks for coming, it's so much better with you here."

My Dad is like this too (Idk about covert narcissism, will look that up). I think it was more common in the past to be overtly selfish and unpleasant, because the wife and kids were effectively trapped in the relationship. OP, your husband is abusive because a) he's not a good person and b) he thinks you will just suck it up, or maybe doesn't care if you leave. And no, I don't think his behaviour is normal these days, because most women would LTB. Come to think of it, my XH was like this too, although joint outings were rare.

My dad was the same, actually. When I left home for university, I was secretly hoping that my mum would see the light and leave, but she didn't.

Then I walked straight into a marriage with an overt narcissist. So less passive aggression, but very vocal sulking and sniping if I wanted to do sometime he didn't. He'd often get "flu", or even "a brain hemorrhage" or "a heart attack" if I wanted to do something, which will miraculously heal once I'd backed down.

Or he'd sulk, deliberately lose me in a shop, or on a beach, if he didn't want to be there. Then call security, put a call across the tannoy to make me come running.

Now, mine was extreme, and it still took me over 20 years to see it. And a further 2 years to find a way out. So although, in my opinion, the only way to be happy is to educate yourself, and find the strength to leave, it is not easy to do.

My ex would do this

Or pretend to be ill so we had to cancel

He also used to behave similarly if I was hoping to celebrate something like a big birthday or promotion

I showed up at his family's Christmas once without him because our children were expecting and wanting to go so we went

His family were absolutely lovely but there response was 'ill? Yeah of course he is ' gave a massive eye roll and we all got on with our day

That was the day I decided that I was not going to be with him the following Christmas

My aunt's husband used to be like this and she dumped him, but she has now noticed their son is displaying the same sulkiness and moods with his wife. I've seen my cousin sit there with a face like granite at a family do.

I wouldn't tolerate his moods or walk on eggshells for a man like this. Life is too short.

Ex husband exactly like this, one of the reasons why he's an ex

Mine has ruined every positive event we've ever had- either purposely making himself sick or stonewalling me. We're in the process of divorce.

Or how about partners do things for each other because it brings them joy.
it looks like OP does plenty for him with a smile on her face. It’s not a lot to ask for him to do the same.