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Original poster

Age gap relationships, do they work

162 replies

blowinginthewind0 · 19/01/2024 10:04

I'm just turning 24 soon. I ended up falling for the man I started seeing at the of 2022. He was with his ex since they were teens and have 3 young children together but he decided to leave because she wasn't giving him enough affection anymore and communication broke down between them and he was sleeping on the sofa most nights. When he left we started seeing each other about 2 weeks later and I quickly fell for him, within another 5 weeks I was pregnant and our baby was born summer last year. He's 38 and I'm really happy and I've definitely fell for him but I do fear that he still has a lot of feelings for his ex especially as they were together over 20 years and sounds like they were each others best friends. They still have contact over the children but I still panic when he goes to hers to collect the kids etc and I'm panic about the 14 year age gap between us but it's going good so far and we moved in together just before baby was born.
Will this last seeing as he jumped from such a serious long term relationship with someone he shares so much history with and she was the same age as him to what he has with me now seeing as I'm a lot younger than her and got pregnant very soon after he left her. I'm head over heels about him but sometimes I question if he wonders about the age gap between us even though its not causing issues at the minute

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 19/01/2024 10:36

Meant in the nicest way, who knows and why bother now?

You can't change anything, and you're happy now, so no one can tell the future.

Good luck

Hbosh · 19/01/2024 10:48

There is no answer that works for everyone.
Some relationships with large age gaps work. Some don't. Just as some relationships between people of the same age work, and some don't.

Like the other poster said, you're happy now. Try to stay out of your head too much. Try to have an open communication with him about how he feels about his divorce and his new life, and try to trust that he's telling you how he really feels - unless you have reasons to believe otherwise.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 19/01/2024 10:52

they can work.

but your situation sounds like more hassle than it's worth and I'd be wary of his sob story. you're young, don't tie yourself to someone with so much baggage.

mindutopia · 19/01/2024 10:53

I don't think the age gap is the issue here. I mean, it might also be an issue.

But it's a huge red flag if a man gets bored with a relationship because someone isn't paying him enough attention when she is bogged down with three young children (of course she's bloody well not as affectionate - she's probably exhausted!) and moves on to someone else 2 weeks after the end of a 20 year relationship.

He sounds like someone who puts himself at the centre of any relationship, got bored when he wasn't because presumably he actually had to adult in a long term relationship with 3 kids, and traded in for an easier, uncomplicated model without as much as a backward glance at 20 years. If someone could do that in a serious, long term committed relationship with children, I'd assume he could drop someone new with less commitments even faster. So it would just be a no from me.

NoCloudsAllowed · 19/01/2024 11:04

You're in it now, so you'll just have to see how it plays out! They can work, I know a few couples with a big age gap.

What @mindutopia said is sound though.

A man who leaves when there are three young children because he isn't getting enough 'affection' is likely to be a man who sulks when his exhausted wife won't put out. Who isn't also exhausted because he doesn't pull his weight in parenting or housekeeping.

And a man who gets a 23 year old pregnant soon in their relationship is probably trying to trap that 23 year old because he's afraid she won't stay with him for long otherwise.

On the other hand, if you got with himand got pregnant, high possibility you are quite insecure and longing for stability. What is it that stops you from turning into his wife - ageing, worn out from kids, novelty gone?

You say 'when he left we started seeing each other' - that sounds very clear cut. Had they fully broken up? How come he walked away from a 20 year relationship and magically found the person he was meant to be with all along?

Strawberrywine1 · 19/01/2024 11:08

I’m sorry but there are so many red flags with this man. You are now trapped with a guy who you know what he does when he doesn’t get enough attention. You may find yourself bending over backwards and forever standing on eggshells worried you’re doing enough, people pleasing etc.

SamW98 · 19/01/2024 11:23

Absolutely what @mindutopia said.

The age gap is the least concerning thing here.

Original poster
blowinginthewind0 · 19/01/2024 11:25

@NoCloudsAllowed to be completely honest he told me he still loved her, he told me it was hard to walk away from the relationship because he didn't fall out of love with her just that communication broke down and she was less affectionate and had dealt with postnatal depression which put a strain on them, he admits he became insecure about her because their sex life was non existent and it made him worry but he doesn't think she was cheating but it made him worry. He said to the outside world she was very friendly to other people but he felt like she had no time for him and it made him paranoid.

He wanted to have another child but said she wasn't feeling ready for another until their youngest was at least in nursery which she was a few months after he left. He thinks they became distant and he didn't feel needed or wanted sexually by her. I've heard from others she's devastated and still loves him. And going by him he didn't leave because he fell out of love with her so that's why I'm a bit worried. He did leave me on a few occasions at the beginning because they wanted to fix things but then I became pregnant and I think the news of that to her made her spiral and she was very argumentative with him so he pulled away and we then grew closer and focused on our baby coming along. We just grew closer. But shortly after our baby was born his ex just stopped being so hard on him and now gets along with him just fine. I have to say despite everything she's never interfered with him seeing or having his children it's just more about how upset she is about the circumstances. Their oldest child is 6 youngest is 3. I'm just a bit concerned because he fully admits she was his best friend and supported him through a lot. I'm now supporting him through a big event that's going on with him and I think that has brought us closer as well but he's got a lot of history with his ex and I feel a little intimated

OP posts:
Caffeinedetox · 19/01/2024 11:28

What @mindutopia said. A bit late for worrying now. I would have been worrying that he admitted he left his wife and mother of his 3 DC because he "wasn't get enough attention". Don't get me wrong, relationships end, people cheat, all sorts of things can and do go wrong. But he sounds like a manchild who will sulk and look elsewhere if he isn't getting his needs met. You're probably in for a good few years of trying to make sure you cater to his every whim to stop him doing the same to you. Good luck.

EdgeOfACoin · 19/01/2024 11:28

He walked out on a woman with three young children and PND?

What a catch.

I'm sorry, OP, I can't see this ending well for you.

rockwater · 19/01/2024 11:29

mindutopia · 19/01/2024 10:53

I don't think the age gap is the issue here. I mean, it might also be an issue.

But it's a huge red flag if a man gets bored with a relationship because someone isn't paying him enough attention when she is bogged down with three young children (of course she's bloody well not as affectionate - she's probably exhausted!) and moves on to someone else 2 weeks after the end of a 20 year relationship.

He sounds like someone who puts himself at the centre of any relationship, got bored when he wasn't because presumably he actually had to adult in a long term relationship with 3 kids, and traded in for an easier, uncomplicated model without as much as a backward glance at 20 years. If someone could do that in a serious, long term committed relationship with children, I'd assume he could drop someone new with less commitments even faster. So it would just be a no from me.

This basically- this would concern me greatly, a number of massive red flags here and I suspect she would have a very different version of events!

EdgeOfACoin · 19/01/2024 11:30

Oh, and he was trying to pressure her into having a fourth child when she was struggling with PND and before the youngest was in nursery.

This is not a nice man.

rockwater · 19/01/2024 11:31

EdgeOfACoin · 19/01/2024 11:30

Oh, and he was trying to pressure her into having a fourth child when she was struggling with PND and before the youngest was in nursery.

This is not a nice man.

yeah, this makes no sense at all- he felt he lacked attention but wanted her to have another baby when she had PND??? bloody hell he's an absolute shit

Caffeinedetox · 19/01/2024 11:32

@blowinginthewind0 Oh wow. I have just read your update.

"I've heard from others she's devastated and still loves him. And going by him he didn't leave because he fell out of love with her so that's why I'm a bit worried. He did leave me on a few occasions at the beginning because they wanted to fix things but then I became pregnant"

Yep I would be extremely worried. You have made the classic mistake of trying to trap a man by getting pregnant. It never works.

In good news, his ex might decide she doesn't want him back, in which case he'll probably stay with you.

Original poster
blowinginthewind0 · 19/01/2024 11:33

My family also said to me about the age gap as I'm not even mid 20s yet really and he's in his late 30s.... We get along great but sometimes the age thing is apparent but it hasn't caused issues yet. Although he goes on more like a man younger than his later 30s. When he was with the ex they didn't really go out or anything whereas with me he gets to enjoy getting out for drinks and enjoying life. I sometimes think he's reliving his youth again with me as I am younger whereas with his ex they done all that then settled down to family life and they obviously lost connection then because they didn't make time for each other. We go out as regularly as we can and he says his ex never wanted to go out for nights when they were together

OP posts:
SamW98 · 19/01/2024 11:33

Sorry OP but this man has more red flags than a Moscow May Day parade.

Your update just sounds like his entire life is me me me me me me me with zero empathy for anyone else, especially the mother of his children.

And why did you get involved with a man 2 weeks after he walked out on his family? Was that not a huge red flag?

Moonshine5 · 19/01/2024 11:34

They have 20 years of shared history and also 3 children that's not something you can compete with. He's with you now.

Caffeinedetox · 19/01/2024 11:37

blowinginthewind0 · 19/01/2024 11:33

My family also said to me about the age gap as I'm not even mid 20s yet really and he's in his late 30s.... We get along great but sometimes the age thing is apparent but it hasn't caused issues yet. Although he goes on more like a man younger than his later 30s. When he was with the ex they didn't really go out or anything whereas with me he gets to enjoy getting out for drinks and enjoying life. I sometimes think he's reliving his youth again with me as I am younger whereas with his ex they done all that then settled down to family life and they obviously lost connection then because they didn't make time for each other. We go out as regularly as we can and he says his ex never wanted to go out for nights when they were together

You sound incredibly immature and naïve.

His ex-wife didn't want to go on nights out?! Is that maybe because she was caring for 3 kids under the age of 5?!?!?!

And how on earth are you two managing to get out "regularly" with a 6 month old baby?!?! Sounds like you are just trying to keep him happy so he doesn't leave you too. You must be shattered on these "nights out". How massively depressing all round.

As for him "reliving his youth" at 38. There are no words.

The age gap is not the issue here.

amylou8 · 19/01/2024 11:37

'Because she wasn't giving him enough affection any more'......poor little lamb! She was probably run ragged caring for his 3 young children!!

There's 14 years between me and my partner and it works. But we're 40s and 50s both with adult children, so at a very different stage.

OvercookedSmile · 19/01/2024 11:38

She had PND so he couldn’t get sex for a while. What an absolute prick this man is. He sounds like the kind of bloke who will have kids with even more than just the two of you.

Anyway I was prepared to say that there can be some resentfullness when the older partner can retire way ahead of the younger partner. DH was a bit jealous because I’m now living the life of Riley as he first put it, but it’s just for a couple of years. Plus now he realises he has less chores to do he is delighted and said having me take on more at home has been great. But I would imagine 14 years of being retired while the younger partner still has to work could be tough.

You have basically signed yourself up to a shitshow for at least the next 18 years as you are having a child together.

On threads like this I sanitise what I really want to say as don’t want to get banned.

Somatosensational · 19/01/2024 11:38

he says his ex never wanted to go out for nights when they were together

It’s not so easy to go on nights out with three young kids and PND on top.

2 weeks out of the relationship Confused

his poor ex

he sounds dreadful

Original poster
blowinginthewind0 · 19/01/2024 11:42

@Caffeinedetox he's not looking to go back to her, she wasn't happy at all with him when she heard I was pregnant so soon. She spoke to him like he was crap and made him out to be toxic and he's not, he's been good to me.

But since she calmed down and works with him quite well I'm afraid maybe his feelings will come back. Or am I wrong because we've really fell for each other and we've a 6 month old baby that he loves so much am I just paranoid. I do find myself a little jealous now and again. He asked if he could come and spend some time with the children Christmas eve and put them to bed etc so he could see them before santa came and I felt uncomfortable with it, but she said yes it wasn't a problem so he did go even though he knew I felt apprehensive about it. She does include him a lot in things to do with the kids and sends him pictures of the children and stuff so I do find I'm a little scared at times

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 19/01/2024 11:44

I agree with what everybody else has said and would just like to add: please don't stop him from seeing his children.

Original poster
blowinginthewind0 · 19/01/2024 11:44

@SamW98 no because they were finished. He left so they weren't together and sounds like they were more roomates than anything

OP posts:
Hellsmells · 19/01/2024 11:45

You were apprehensive about him seeing his kids on Christmas eve?