Age gap relationships, do they work

[blowinginthewind0]

I'm just turning 24 soon. I ended up falling for the man I started seeing at the of 2022. He was with his ex since they were teens and have 3 young children together but he decided to leave because she wasn't giving him enough affection anymore and communication broke down between them and he was sleeping on the sofa most nights. When he left we started seeing each other about 2 weeks later and I quickly fell for him, within another 5 weeks I was pregnant and our baby was born summer last year. He's 38 and I'm really happy and I've definitely fell for him but I do fear that he still has a lot of feelings for his ex especially as they were together over 20 years and sounds like they were each others best friends. They still have contact over the children but I still panic when he goes to hers to collect the kids etc and I'm panic about the 14 year age gap between us but it's going good so far and we moved in together just before baby was born.
Will this last seeing as he jumped from such a serious long term relationship with someone he shares so much history with and she was the same age as him to what he has with me now seeing as I'm a lot younger than her and got pregnant very soon after he left her. I'm head over heels about him but sometimes I question if he wonders about the age gap between us even though its not causing issues at the minute

OP it sounds like he is getting his pie in two places, telling both of you things he knwos you two want to hear.

Him telling you that he still loves her is simply cruel.

Then you have no idea what the heck he is telling her, but obviously he is feeding her the same lines to keep you both cool so he can decide which is better for him to choose. So nasty seeing there are kids involved here.

How do you know that he was sleeping on the sofa? Did you ask her?
Because it sounds like he used your age and lack of life experience to reel you in.

Time to get your ducks in a row and downplay his charm, he will not be that charming in 10 years I promise you.

And having post natal depression is hard, really tough. And pressuring her to have another baby or leave? as that is what he did, is a man on a mission to trap her, anyway, its not a nice move, you have believed him till now, and time to look at his actions rather than his words. Wise up as he is using you while he is deciding which is more comfortable for him, you or his ex.

YOU deserve better than this.

Keep this post, in 20 years you will read it and piss yourself laughing at how naive you were. The red flags are obvious to those with more experience of the world and you'll see them in time. There's a reason he went for such a big age gap. His wife will tell a different story. However great you think this relationship is, make sure you look after yourself financially, make sure you can always leave if you need to💐

Sorry, but he sounds horrible. His ex is well rid of him, beware if you have more children and become too tired and worn out to pander to this man child’s needs.

Define work. For me, whether a relationship works isn't measured by the duration, necessarily.

Even if you're the same age there's no crystal ball that can answer for sure how long it lasts and, if it ends, how you will feel about it.

I think it's better to take any relationship as it is right now and decide if it's good. Then regularly reasses how you feel and whether any issues are resolvable. Do it from your own perspective too, don't go trying to second guess the other person's feelings. Ask, if you must, but always trust actions and impact over words

When he left we started seeing each other about 2 weeks later and I quickly fell for him, within another 5 weeks I was pregnant

😶

Oh you poor sweet child. My eyes can not roll back enough.

If you really think this the. You are a child mentally yourself.

To answer your question. No. This won't last. I'm giving it 18 months tops. Be prepared to be a single parent with limited resources as he will have 4 kids to finance and if they do get divorced he'll have limited funds anyway.

Poor poor choices.

To be honest this comment upset me a bit because I am kind of afraid of this and the age gap incase he does think the grass wasn't greener. This is my second relationship and first time to move in with someone. She obviously knew him very well because they are together from very young so knows how he ticks, his likes and dislikes even down to cooking and things they done together. I have heard from other people who know her that they were shocked they broke up because they were a really good couple together and she stood by him with a lot of stuff. So it does make me feel a little intimated and that's the reason he says he has a lot of respect for her and because she's the mother of his children. He hasn't said he still loves her, he said he didn't leave because he fell out of love it's because he couldn't take anymore and it was becoming toxic and for the children's sake it was best they separate. I've asked him if it wasn't for our son would he have went back and he says no but he was trying to fix things with her until I told him the news about the pregnancy so I'm not too sure but yes sometimes I wonder on that, but then I look at how close we've got and I do believe he loves me I do think hrs afraid to lose me at this stage

But the ex here wasn't abusive. She was an exhausted mother of 3 very young children who suffered PND and was being badgered to have a 4th and whose only 'crime' was not giving him more attention. Even a mother of one can surely see how having 3 young dc would be exhausting. This is the time a man is supposed to be showering his baby mother with attention and care. Not abandoning her for being preoccupied with the kids

HopeFloatsAbove · Today 19:21

OP it sounds like he is getting his pie in two places, telling both of you things he knwos you two want to hear.

@HopeFloatsAbove I don't know why you think he has both of us at the one time, I haven't even thought of that I'm just a bit worried that maybe after a while he'll compare us or think life with her was actually better or what he really wants all along and regret staying with us instead of making things right with her

I've asked him if it wasn't for our son would he have went back and he says no but he was trying to fix things with her until I told him the news about the pregnancy so I'm not too sure

The thing is deep down you do know the answer to that question and that’s where your doubts come from.

I know you don’t want to see the reality but it’s crystal clear to everyone on the thread with decades more experience of life, men and relationships

It's called doing the pick me dance over a pile of dogshit.

You are right to be worried though, this pile of dogshit will be be the type to smeer his muck far and wide and not just with the ex wife.

He's now got to prove himsellf worthy of being with a younger woman by going with other younger women, that's how it works.

You silly, silly child. Yes, you are a child. And you’re behaving like a child. Listen to the women here who DO know what they’re talking about. This is NOT a ‘good man’, this is absolutely not a good man. Please listen!

He sounds utterly grim.

You sound naive and completely silly.

While being enamoured by the oldest swinger in town and the sooper cool dude you forgot to see that he wasn’t wise and full of experience he was just a sad little man who wanted another womb. He saw you coming a mile away. When you don’t perform he’ll find another woman to put his seed in.

🤢

I’m sure the ex used to say that he treated her well too.

Don’t be so in awe of him. You’re painting him out to be perfect OP. That is incredibly naive. He is flawed as anyone. And there are completely massive red flags.

This man has manipulated you, he knew you fancied him, was it an affair ?

It sounds so.

The fact is, he's not matured enough himself to realise what he had, a 38 year old child, who convinced himself he deserved to demonise his wife because he caught feelings for an attention seeking 23 year old, sorry but at your age, love and the pull of finding a partner to reproduce is strong.

Now he should have understood that a young woman of 23 deserves the full attention of her partner to have children with, not be having to worry about 3 kids and an ex wife who you're not sure he still loves.

He did that, he took away your chance for the most special time in your life to be reduced to worrying about if he will sleep with her again at the the next change over with the kids.

You don't believe this but he is manipulative, and coersive and extremely selfish, you had agency but are very young. This pregnancy seemed unplanned and he sounds irresponsible, that could backfire in more ways than one.

I hope you have a good support system around you, I think you will need it.

He has made you think he is the victim, he really isn't, he is not a very kind, fair or loyal person, remember that.

OP just to answer your original question, yes age gap relationships can work.

My DH and I have been together for 18 years and have a 25 year age gap. Blissfully happy.

Honestly the more you post the more I think this pregnancy wasn’t an accident and maybe it was your trump card in the pick me dance when your fling was realising he’d made a mistake and was trying to get back with his wife.

Sorry but the more you say the more this has got disaster written all over it. He’s spun you the oldest lines in the book and because of your admitted inexperience with relationships, you’ve swallowed his manipulative ‘poor me it was all my wife’s fault’ hook line and sinker.

You’re so young, naive and inexperienced and you’ve got caught up in a situation you are no where near mature enough to deal with. You don’t want to wake up and smell the coffee, that’s obvious by how increasingly defensive of him and your wonderful relationship you’ve got but at some point in the future, it really will hit you that you’ve made a massive mistake and lost your youth being the consolation prize.

The age gap is not the issue you should be worrying about right now
Be much more concerned that you have swallowed his side of the story hook line and sinker.
His wife didn't show him enough affection (HE says)
She didn't like to go out (HE says)
This is a woman caring for three kids and he left because he was no longer the centre of attention.
This is NOT a good man.
He will likely leave you in the same way when he feels pushed out by your baby and the attention a child needs.
The age gap becomes an issue later. When you are late 40s, a man in his 60s is hugely unappealing, often with health issues and ED.

I just don’t get how anyone can call their partners/new husband a ‘good dad’ in situations where they made a choice to leave their young children.

I can’t bare the cognitive dissonance. This man actively chose to leave his wife dealing with all the stress that comes from dealing with young children, he actively chose to walk out of settling them at bedtime, waking up with them in the morning, being there during their tantrums, laughing at the constant funny things they say, he chose a new shiny over that.

He will choose a new shiny again over his children and you. He is NOT a good man.

You have every right to feel unsafe in this relationship. He’s not safe. He’s an arsehole and I have no doubt that deep down he does regret leaving her. It doesn’t matter how ‘nice’ he is to you. He’ll be nice while it serves his purpose.

Look at your little one and imagine the kind of man who would walk away so easily from growing alongside your baby and giving up precious time with him because that’s who he is!

@Usernamechange1234 he does love his children. He misses all those things you mentioned. When he has to bring them back to their mums after his weekend with them he gets very upset about having to leave them back. He sometimes needs some time on his own to adjust to the fact that he's had to return them back to what used to be his family home. He says he didnt walk out on his children he walked away from her. He will remain heavily involved with his children as much as he can. Just because he felt it was right to leave her doesn't mean he's left his children. He really is gutted that he's missing out on all those things with them, the children aren't why he left

But he did leave them because he left the family home. All these men who say they didn't leave their kids when that's exactly what they did 🙄

@blowinginthewind0 - it’s clear that no-one here can dissuade you from your view of this man. You raced into having a baby with him (and babies don’t just happen when people are behaving responsibly) so it’s understandable that you want to hold on to your image of him.

You’re young so you have bought his explanations as to why he thought it was okay to walk out on the depressed mother of his 3 young children (with whom he wanted another child) on the grounds that he wanted more attention. You don’t want to see that for the truly shitty behaviour it was. That’s understandable.

The age gap is not the problem here, really - although your youth and inexperience no doubt delight him because an older woman would see his shitty behaviour for what it is. It’s how selfish and irresponsible this man is that’s the problem. But maybe you’ll have a different experience to his ex-wife. Maybe he’ll stick around for you.

How on EARTH does a man like this appeal to anyone!?
A much older man?
How can someone who goes for younger women ever be appealing?
I'd always be on edge

Oh OP love when I first read your post.... and I read further you have had a baby with this man and moved very quickly. He's much older than you too.

I don't think you should judge his ex though I'll be frank you know what your partner tells you. Have you ever had a conversation with the ex? You've only just started motherhood.... she has 3 kids to look after emotionally and finicially and the man wanted a 4th?? He did her a favour by leaving.

You also can't compete or compare with all the years your partner and ex have had together. You should of thought of all this before having a baby with this man. Who knows how it will pan out between you and your partner 🤷

Hugely unappealing?

I disagree and how dare you make such a generalised comment. Nice.