Age gap relationships, do they work

[blowinginthewind0]

I'm just turning 24 soon. I ended up falling for the man I started seeing at the of 2022. He was with his ex since they were teens and have 3 young children together but he decided to leave because she wasn't giving him enough affection anymore and communication broke down between them and he was sleeping on the sofa most nights. When he left we started seeing each other about 2 weeks later and I quickly fell for him, within another 5 weeks I was pregnant and our baby was born summer last year. He's 38 and I'm really happy and I've definitely fell for him but I do fear that he still has a lot of feelings for his ex especially as they were together over 20 years and sounds like they were each others best friends. They still have contact over the children but I still panic when he goes to hers to collect the kids etc and I'm panic about the 14 year age gap between us but it's going good so far and we moved in together just before baby was born.
Will this last seeing as he jumped from such a serious long term relationship with someone he shares so much history with and she was the same age as him to what he has with me now seeing as I'm a lot younger than her and got pregnant very soon after he left her. I'm head over heels about him but sometimes I question if he wonders about the age gap between us even though its not causing issues at the minute

Just to add, your age gap is actually not the issue here.

I don't think he's the right guy for you. You sound very young and naive.... which isn't as bad as it sounds. I just think this guy might take advantage of you and things can end badly once the thrill of having a younger partner has worn off.

But to answer your question, there is 13 years between DH and myself. We will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this autumn and have been together 22 years.

However, I was a bit older than you when I met DH. We both have done the travelling and fun times and were ready to settle down.

if my thoughts about the age gap aren't the problem then what is. Going by the responses I'm getting people just seem to assume he's going to do the same thing but we've already discussed the future of getting married. I want to get married especially seeing as I have his baby and we both want a large a family. I havent kept that from him. He knows what I want and is on board with it all and happy about it.
Why will he get jealous when someone enters her life by then more time will have passed and it will be water under the bridge, I don't understand how he will be jealous and make her life hell. He's with me and we are happy together so it shouldn't matter when she moves on. If he's happy with me and we are building a life together why will he care. I don't think that will happen

I am ready to settle down I wanted to have children young and I wanted to marry the person I have children with. He's a really lovely person and I do trust him and I know he's crazy about me and our baby and my family love him. They were worried in the beginning but now they have got to know him they really like him

if my thoughts about the age gap aren't the problem then what is.

Try reading the 5 pages of posts.
You have been told what the issue is over and over, but don't want to consider that we might all know what we are talking about. Understandably really as you have allowed yourself to be trapped like this.

Well you just keep doing your best for him and you'll have no issues with him "running off " 🙄

@blowinginthewind0 Just think. He left a woman with three small children because "he wasn't getting enough affection" He then started another relationship with someone who was pregnant 7 weeks after he left his wife. Does all that seem OK to you? How often does he see his other children and does he contribute to them? Do think very, very carefully about this relationship and plan an escape route in case you need it. This is what I would say to my own daughter if she was in your situation.

The age gap isn’t even slightly as concerning as the fact your boyfriend is an utter scumbag and you don’t seem to have even the slightest bit of sense in your head. It’s almost unbelievable how daft you sound…

You sound like my ex's girlfriend, minus the pregnancy/baby. He's 41 and she's 24. He left me after 20 years together and shacked up with her immediately.

He is regretting it, he's realised his mistake and is depressed. The grass wasn't greener afterall. He has tried to rekindle things with me several times, still confides in me, calls me his best friend and tells me he misses me and still loves me. He moved onto her so quickly because he wanted to distract himself from the emotional numbness he feels rather than deal with his numerous issues. Those were his words, not mine.

Frankly I find the whole thing pathetic and slightly amusing. I keep him at arm's length, I dont want him back and have told him so. Feel partly sorry for her but partly think tough shit. I mean you're worried and jealous about the chance he still has feelings for his ex, but what exactly did you expect, two weeks out of a 20 year relationship with 3 children? Good luck, I feel like you're going to need it.

@blowinginthewind0 you may be right that their relationship just didn't work out...it is possible. But do you believe it? Knowing him, and with all your suspicion, do you believe it was as simple as what he described?

Aren't you incredibly lucky that you didn't get PND and he didn't just fuck off and leave you to deal with it too?

If you really cannot see how immature and naive it is to quickly have a baby with an older man with 3 kids who abanded his wife,then I don't think anyone can help you.

I have no words

The problem is you played the pick me game and he didn't actually pick you. He's only with you because you got pregnant and his ex finally had enough. He didn't choose this, he just took the path of least resistance. He didn't pick you. And deep down you know that and that's why you are feeling so insecure and worried.

All the word waffle you keep posting about how wonderful he is and how wonderful the relationship is.. that's just you reassuring yourself and trying to forget the truth. He didn't pick you.

You deserve better , but you'll never see that until you see him and the situation for what it really is.

I'd say yes OP, he probably does still have feelings for his wife, and would probably be with her now if you hadn't gotten pregnant. (She had had a lucky escape here).

I can't fathom what it is you think makes him a good man?

My money is on him getting back with his wife. Sorry.

But you're not asking specifically about the age gap. You continuously mention your concerns for how he feels about her, so you must have some understanding/awareness of how these situations work out? Otherwise you wouldn't have any concerns. You know how this will play out and it won't be pretty

Where is your girl code op ?
He sounds vile and I think his wife is better off without him if he could do that to her.

I was gonna say - age gap isn’t an issue here really. Just don’t get married and have three children with him.

But it seems exactly what you are planning to do.

I’ll add then - in this case - don’t get unwell or depressed. Don’t ever go off sex - even if you have any medical condition or your kids are unwell and you stay up nights caring for them. Basically - Always be the Stepford Wife and always put HIs Manly Needs above anything. Certainly above your needs and the needs of your children.
And maybe - this Prince among Men would grace your life by sticking around.
Or - maybe you will fail to live up to that and he’ll move on as it is something he knows how to do.

You defend him - but its because of with stubbornness and naiveté of an inexperienced young person. No matter what people with lot more life experience tell you - you won’t hear now. You may realise it all one day when you are older and your rosy tinted glasses fall off.
This isn’t some love story you are living in. He loved his ex, made a life with her. Fathered many kids. Left because he couldn't bother putting in the work required to get through the tough bit of parenting/relationships where adults need to put their needs aside and raise small kids as a unit.

His main priority in life is himself. So - he’ll leave any time he feels his precious self is not Number 1.
i feel bad for any more children you may have with him. And a little for you too as you are clearly so so blind.

24 is mid-twenties.
I think age gap relationships can work well, there is 10 years between my Mother and Father.
I'm guessing your DP is very wealthy, already paying maintenance for three DC and planning a big second family with you, so I imagine that will help with outsourcing future demands when you need to make time for this prince among men.

And to add... If you hadn't gotten pregnant they would likely have got back together. His ex wife was likely EXTREMELY hurt by his stupidity to get someone else pregnant so quickly when he has 3 young children already. You also weren't acting responsibly. But that's already happened now so not a lot you can do about it and I'm glad you both love and adore your son. BUT the fact she was hurt and angry drove him closer to you because it's easier for him than dealing with the fallout from his irresponsible behaviour. Low and behold she looks like the bad guy and you're the wonderful young understanding girl who is there to make him feel better about his situation. He didn't get close to you out of choice. He would be back with her if you hadn't fallen pregnant.

Oh dear.

What a car crash.

I presume he's very good looking?

Let's hope she's smarter and has more self respect than that.

They have 3 young children together and he's left because he wasn't getting enough affection?

So with 3 young children sapping her attention so he didn't get enough or get to go out and enjoy himself, his plan was to get her pregnant with a 4th child? Great plan, that would of worked a treat.
I'd say this is all about his insecurities. What better way to try and make a woman stick around than to create babies with them.
His ex would of stuck it out most likely, but he didn't bank on the sex becoming less as a result, so up pops his insecurities again and he prematurely ends it before she does.
You've probably got a life ahead of moderating your behaviour and living it in a way that keeps him from being insecure, because if he gets a whiff of it he will be off.
You are quite young, you have a lot of furtile years ahead of you, so I recommend you take charge of contraception and make it watertight because it doesn't look like he has it in him to be responsible for it. Also, don't aim to have any more until he is divorced and willing to commit to you, especially if your career gets put back from having DC's.

I hope he's rich if he has to pay for all these kids.
You sounds pathetic. Listen to what (more experienced) women are telling you. He still loves his ex and is only with you because you fell pregnant and his wife didn't want him back.
What do you think they talk about when he sees her when you aren't there? Of course they talk about the past, his regrets ...... 20 year history and 3 kids do not disappear once you get a younger (attentive 🙄) model.