We aren’t a good society for showing emotions. Why are people so unable to accept peoples emotions?

[Strawberrywine1]

I am an emotional person, I can’t not be, I’ve tried but I end up loosing it one way or another holding it all in and conforming.

People are always saying to not show emotions, keep them honed in or people will think bad of me.

I am not ashamed of my past. I was neglected by my mum and abused for a decade by my husband. I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling. But when you talk to people they are quick to judge and think oooo you are complicated. I’m pretty simple really. I think holding it all in and pretending I’m absolutely “normal” really complicated. Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

What are we without our emotions, they are our guides I find?

I'm a very emotional person. Wear my heart on my sleeve and am not at all afraid to talk about heavy topics. I've been through some shit and will talk about it in the appropriate circles - my "village" as you put it. My friends, family, husband etc. are my support network and the people I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with.

What I don't do is expect the same level of support and empathy from my work colleagues. I'll tell them if I'm having a bad day but leave it at that, they don't need details. There's a lady in my work who was in an abusive relationship. We all know this because she brings it up at every possible opportunity. It's exceptionally uncomfortable - not because I think she deserved it, nor because I'm emotionally constipated and would rather she put on a big fake smile, but because I am there to work. With respect, I don't want to hear about someone's traumatic past in work. I'm not a therapist. I have every sympathy for her and feel horrible for her, but I would much rather she seek professional help.

If you want people to respect your emotions OP, you need to also respect other people's emotional boundaries. It's not unreasonable to want to work at work, and not delve into potentially painful and uncomfortable topics with people who are not part of your "village", and to keep it to light small talk.

I find emotional people are often the worst listeners when someone more private finally discloses their problems to them.

My minimum wage job has enough responsibilities without becoming an unpaid counsiller to colleagues. I hate this new expectation that you bring your 'whole self' to work, I prefer to save that for people I trust.

You are right and this society will not changed for you. There is a correlation between this lack of expressing emotion and the number of people who are very lonely as a result of this. I have felt similar and misunderstood in the past. I stopped trying to be my normal self in that regard. As soon as I step in some other countries the interactions with people make me feel better. Which is why I am moving in a few years. There are warmer places with lovely people that do not feel you are putting a burden on them if you say something personal or emotional. Less judgmental too. If this really affects you and is important try to move away. Make new friends and be happy.

It's a very low blow to blame suicide on people maintaining their own emotional boundaries.

This assortation is so far from the truth on this thread.
A whole host of posters have replied being incredibly moderate, calm and polite in their responses.
People not agreeing with what you are stating to be fact, does not mean people are being nasty or shaming you. They are taking part in a discussion, which you started.

Oh, and knowing a fair bit about child development, and young children, 'hiding under a table because you don't like your teacher' is not a neurotypical action. Perhaps focus your energy on unpicking this situation a little bit.

People who go on and on about themselves, about their beliefs, or kids, or successes or failures, or emotions are:

1. Draining
2. Disturbing, often triggering.
3. Selfish.
4. Boring.

Excellent post MonsteraMama. Very well explained.

So you said you were raising money for a domestic abuse charity and a significant proportion of your colleagues said why are you doing that, women who get hit and killed by their partners bring it on themselves? Where do you work, a prison housing men convicted of dv?! Or do you mean people struggling to understand why women stay with an abuser? That’s slightly different.

You can't demand other people give you what you think they should. Maybe their emotions mean they can't be whatever it is you think they should be.

It just comes across like you think how you feel and what you need is more important than the feelings and needs of everyone else.

We've all got our own shit to deal with and as nice as it would be to get (metaphorically) wrapped up in a warm cuddle and sung a lullaby, fact is people barely care what others are going through and I don't think we can expect or demand anything from anyone.

I say this not to have a go but as someone who used to feel pretty much as you do now. Well, I was worse actually. I had full blown main character syndrome as a young woman I'm embarrassed to admit. Everything was about me and not prioritising me was a rejection of me. I was nothing short of a fucking narcissist! Everyone should care about me. I once actually said that "people are like cardboard cutouts to me.". They weren't real. I was the only person with needs and feelings. 🤦

It's hard when you realise you're not some super special important star and you could drop dead and be lucky if 20 people in the whole world gave a shit.

You have to be your own comfort, your own strength, be someone who meets your own needs and you have to understand that nobody in the world exists to provide any of that for you.

I totally agree with you. It took me a LONG time to explain to teenage DS that it is totally normal to feel sad, lonely, worried, anxious some of the time. These are part of the normal, healthy range of human emotions and only problematic if you can't deal with them or move on from them when you are ready. He genuinely thought there was something 'wrong' with him for feeling anxious before going to a social event where he knew no one, or a job interview etc.

I think it's the toxic positivity trend that was so strong when they were growing up. School children constantly told to 'be happy', to pretend they are having their 'best time' when cold and damp at camp etc. It's so unhealthy to pretend only upbeat emotions are valid.

Well I fully agree that it should be normalised that people feel down. But not pathologised, which seems to be happening, e.g. have anxiety, not just anxious about a specific thing. That seems to be happening too often.

However it's still not OK to use people as an emotional sponge , especially in a work context, and then get angry at them for not acting as you think they should.

This has resonated with me thank you. I am eternally grateful to various websites books and the stately homes thread here which enabled me to understand what enmeshment, emotional incest and parentification were and how’d they’d impacted me. I do find though now I am in a better space that I need to stay away from” my mum is shit/had a crap childhood threads as they are like picking a scab and make me feel worse or make me rethink about stuff that I’ve already worked through and serve no purpose other than to make me feel a bit mentally unwell.

@murasaki couldnt agree more. We've lost sight of the fact it's normal to feel anxious in certain situations (or scared or down or whatever). It doesnt mean it's a special condition that needs a special label. I'm not unsympathetic to people's feelings - especially children, and I agree that OP seems to be passing her own insecurities on to her child - but needing acknowledgement and special treatment for your particular circumstances isn't that healthy and people dont always wish to be drawn into it.

Yep snap, it’s awful.

I also think catch phrases like "abusive marriage" switch people off because it sounds so formulaic and dramatic . They might be more sympathetic if you were sharing your story within some real context of who you are now, out of it.
I was dumped by my partner for my best friend when I found out I was pregnant. Turned very Jeremy Kyle with them thinking I was making it up and lots of fall out. I had to live in a hostel for the homeless for 2 years as he moved out and I couldn't afford to live alone . I found if I was positive about it people were more than happy to be sympathetic. I tell it as an amusing story now and people are definitely all "what a bastard" and also happy to hear all about it. In the same way we listen to the emotional stories of refugees for who moving to the UK was the best thing they did. What they went through before and after becomes meaningful.

Its almost as if my friend read this thread because this morning she randomly trauma dumped again right after me saying in an earlier post that she had stopped doing that 😣

Somehow a discussion about 90s nostalgia segued into her discussing a traumatic incident she’d experienced at the hands of her aunt. I just said I was going out for a run and didn’t acknowledge it.

She had a rough childhood, I get it.( I didn’t have the easiest childhood either but not as bad as hers for sure) But to constantly drop it into casual conversations is too much, especially when she doesn’t do this to her own husband because according to her “he won’t listen”.

I feel women often expect other women to tolerate a lot of stuff they wouldn’t demand of a man.

It was massively inappropriate, before I might have briefly acknowledged it but after reading all the posts in this thread it has actually helped me to reflect further on how damaging this kind of thing is and how I don’t need to tolerate it all. So, I completely ignored it and feel better for it.

I feel women often expect other women to tolerate a lot of stuff they wouldn’t demand of a man
There's an element of truth in this.

It's the "be kind" on steroids because obviously nobody's going to say it's fine to be an arsehole in life, but underneath a simple (and seemingly unproblematic) phrase lies a lot of weight and expectations that are placed on women and girls. The main one is that your physical and emotional boundaries don't matter and you should set them to one side if someone else has decided it suits them.

It's how you get women and girls' physical boundaries being ignored, or feeling they have to compromise their boundaries so not to upset romantic partners.

It's how you get women and girls guilt tripped into taking on other people's burdens that aren't theirs to carry, or emotional vampires feeding off women and girls, or women and girls getting trapped in the cycle of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with loved ones.

It's how women and girls who maintain their physical and emotional boundaries are harshly judged and deemed to be cold, bitchy, unkind, unsympathetic, robotic, unemotional, etc. They're not necessarily any of those things (and are often quite emotionally in tune which is how they know and hold their boundaries), but to the people who feel they can trample boundaries and/or have main character syndrome, a woman or girl saying "no" generates a "how dare you not centre me and my needs. You're not womaning properly so there's something wrong with you" response.

The same expectations aren't placed on men and boys in the same ways

@LolaSmiles very well expressed, this part especially resonated with me:

It's how women and girls who maintain their physical and emotional boundaries are harshly judged and deemed to be cold, bitchy, unkind, unsympathetic, robotic, unemotional, etc. They're not necessarily any of those things (and are often quite emotionally in tune which is how they know and hold their boundaries), but to the people who feel they can trample boundaries and/or have main character syndrome, a woman or girl saying "no" generates a "how dare you not centre me and my needs. You're not womaning properly so there's something wrong with you" response

And just to add to my previous comment, while I said I believe often women do demand more from other women than from the men in their life, needless to say, men often demand more from women too.

@Mybootsare all that...but I don't think it's related to being emotional. As someone said, you can be emotional with your close friends and family, not necessary everyone else and their dog.

Not to mention that people with main character syndrome just generate drama - not trauma, drama. They somehow always insert themselves into wild stories and arguments that could easily be avoided if they just stepped back - and stepping back si what people do when they see their drama

Do you mean other people find self absorption in others tiring/boring and arent interested?

Yes you're correct.

We aren’t a good society for showing emotions.

I actually disagree with this - it hasn't always been the case, but in 2024 I think as a society (not necessarily each individual but on the whole) there is no longer any taboo on showing emotions. We live now in a reality-tv culture where weeping, wailing, screaming is positively celebrated, even about the most trivial things such as someone's new hairstyle.

So I don't think you need to feel bad about sharing your emotions, if it helps you to come to terms with your past. You have genuine reason to be emotional, unlike many who are simply drama-addicts.