We aren’t a good society for showing emotions. Why are people so unable to accept peoples emotions?

[Strawberrywine1]

I am an emotional person, I can’t not be, I’ve tried but I end up loosing it one way or another holding it all in and conforming.

People are always saying to not show emotions, keep them honed in or people will think bad of me.

I am not ashamed of my past. I was neglected by my mum and abused for a decade by my husband. I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling. But when you talk to people they are quick to judge and think oooo you are complicated. I’m pretty simple really. I think holding it all in and pretending I’m absolutely “normal” really complicated. Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

What are we without our emotions, they are our guides I find?

I’m not saying I want to tell everyone in the world. I understand you have to live in society. But I do think that lots of people are extremely judgmental. Being different is quite difficult. I’ve brought up domestic abuse at work, about 60 employees . A small explanation because I was doing a raffle for a charity and the amount of people who turned up their nose and say people kind of deserve it was really unsettling. People who have had good starts in life do look down on people who maybe haven’t and not made the best choices because of that.

To be perfectly honest unless you're a close friend/family member I really don't want to hear it, people have their own shit to deal with without feeling like they have to sit and listen to everybody else's emotional dump, time and a place for everything

There's a big difference between showing emotions and trauma dumping/expecting the world to be on-call therapists.

The first is fairly normal. Most people have ups and downs and don't go through life with a fake smiley face on at all times. People will generally disclose more/less depending on the relationship (eg may share more with a spouse or trusted family member or good friend than an acquaintance or colleague).

The second is more problematic because people in the second camp seem to view most other humans as support animals for their issues and that's actually unreasonable a lot of the time. Often this sort of outlook turns into people positioning themselves as the perpetual victim because Sandra wasn't willing to be an unpaid therapist in the break room whilst a colleague offloaded all their feelings onto them. In this situation the trauma dumper will convince themselves that the world is unpleasant and Sandra isn't caring, when in reality Sandra is at work and isn't the person to offload onto.

You might find it useful OP to identify appropriate support networks and appropriate relationships for different levels of emotional release.

You’re not giving other people the same allowances you expect for yourself. If you’re right and everyone’s dealing with something or other they find difficult why would they want to deal with your stuff on top?

You can pay for professional help if you want someone to listen to you and unquestioningly take on your troubling feelings. Expecting randoms at work to stop and listen to your feelings is completely unreasonable.

Everyone’s doing their best. As adults we’re all responsible for dealing with our own stuff in an appropriate way.

@bleughgreen obviously I’m not talking about strangers. I find that people in general, let’s say in my network would much prefer a face smile and a yep I’m absolutely fine then to hear I’m actually a bit down today. It’s the thing to do to hide how you feel. It’s a bit shameful to not think happy thoughts all the time. When you speak to people and get to know them you realise they suffering to about something and also going around going yep I’m fine. It’s like feeling not fine must be done in the dark.

There is a big range of expressing emotion from over- to under- control. Over controlled people are very uptight and often end up breaking down from the pressure of bottling everything up. They can also be hard to feel close to. Under controlled people can be exhausting, demanding and draining to be around. Also hard to be close to because they can feel like users.

It is possible you are surrounded by over controllers who wont tolerate any kind of emotion. Which is not ok. But it is also possible that you are demanding too much and burning people out. Only you can assess which of these you may be.

@Atethehalloweenchocs most people around me have no idea the extent of what I’ve been through because it’s not something I want to go deep into as it’s not nice and I wouldn’t want people to have to hear it.

literally just mentioning I was in an abusive marriage people think ooops stay away from her, drama, she must have done something etc. even doing a simple raffle at work people started judging and doing so negatively because it’s maybe uncomfortable.

The public at large, including your work colleagues and your "network", not being open to a trauma dump isn't indicative of an issue with society. It's indicative of you utilising people as a support when they do not care to be your support.

some feminist social psychologists argue that this is all part of "psychological patriarchy" - that being, the way in which particular gendered "traits" are idealised or denigrated in our society.

"rational", "in control of emotions", "fully psychologically independent", "lack of need for relationships/others" = what we apparently should aspire to at this point in history/place in the world. goals!

and funnily enough, such psychologists would note that these are all traits and ways of being that are (culturally) associated with maleness.

go figure!

Exactly, people don’t really care. You want to do a raffle for a refuge charity, “I don’t care” they deserve it because I haven’t experienced it and I feel fine and don’t want that thought in my head that others aren’t.

That's not indicative of a problem with society. It's always been the case that the people who care about you will care about your emotions; your "network" or work colleagues or the public at large will have varying levels of investment which can be withdrawn at any given time.

Unless the person you're talking to is HR or your manager, I can't think of many situations where discussing someone's former abusive marriage would be a workplace conversation.

Are they really thinking "she's been in an abusive relationship so stay away, she must have done something" or is there a chance they're thinking "I'm at work, we're only colleagues, this isn't an acquaintance/colleagues topic of conversation and I'm going to keep some distance here because there's the potential for oversharing here"?

Regarding the raffle, is it that they don't care about you/have an issue with your relationship experiences, or is it that they're perfectly entitled to do their own charitable giving outside the workplace?

It is the problem, it’s learned to keep quiet and suffer. We aren’t supposed to be like this as a society, it’s meant to take a village to raise a child. Now mums are alone, suffering trying to do it all and have a smile because to be otherwise is shameful. Many people don’t care because it affects their bubbles. Same like the asylum seekers (whole other topics but again not my problem) who cares if they suffering. We must be quiet so people no longer even realise if they aren’t ok and suffer in the dark. It’s just an opinion. We are supposed to be all connected.

I'm fed up of seeing 'ordinary people' on the television crying when something (good or bad) has happened to them ( and they never have a tissue to wipe their eyes).

Absolutely this.
Trauma dumping and emotional dysregulation due to past trauma is not the same as being sad your cat/ family member died/happy you got promoted/anxious because there might be redundancies.
The latter can be expressed and are part and parcel of feeling emotional about situations .
I would tell my immediate team my cat died but I'm wouldn't spend all day telling clients for example.
Your needs are not why people go to work and dumping it onto others is unfair and lacking in boundaries.
I really dislike all the " tell someone" campaigns when actually people need proper MH support .
You need counselling OP

A small explanation because I was doing a raffle for a charity and the amount of people who turned up their nose and say people kind of deserve it was really unsettling.

I think you are confusing people being unable/unwilling to be open to emotions, with people who have opinions that you find difficult.

I agree that the number of people who think abuse is made up, or not as bad or, my personal favourite, "it takes two to tango" is very upsetting. Those opinions and beliefs are contrary to my own and I very quickly accept that people with them are not people I'm 'likely to be friendly with.

That is not the same as saying people don't want to hear about emotions or are dismissive of emotions. Saying, "I'm a domestic abuse survivor so this charity is very important to me" would be fine. People might be uncomfortable discussing it - in the same way that let's face it, you tell your male boss that you need a few days off for "women's problems" and he's not going to prod you on the detail. But that's not the same as accepting that you have strong feelings about it.

Yeah I agree that someone bad happening to you is a good judge of other's characters. I noticed some people avoid others after a bereavement or ill health.

@LolaSmiles ok let’s keep abuse out of the workplace and back into the house where it belongs!!! How else are you going to help people who perhaps feel shame and doesn’t want to speak up because it’s not their problem.

I agree with a lot of pp about being mindful not to use everyone as your support animal and the risk of trauma dumping and emotional incontinence.

I’d also add to that that even with your nearest and dearest there are limits . I had a close friend trauma dump to me about 4 years in a row and she still does try it but I change the subject or don’t respond.

We could be talking about the most innocuous subject and she’d casually bring up the abuse she suffered. She’s had a tough time, I’m not denying that but I have my own issues and quite frankly I’m not willing to be subjected to a constant stream of trauma.

I’ve found a lot of the people desperate for others to play the role of 24/7 therapist often don’t reciprocate.

I remember being in a library once and this random woman I bumped into at the photocopier spent a good one hour telling me all her woes about a housing association and their awful neighbours and what a nightmarish time her and her son had been having for years. She didn’t know who I was or what I may have been dealing with, she just saw a person with a slightly sympathetic face and decided I’d do as her unpaid therapist. This kind of thing happened a fair bit when I was younger.

If that sort of thing happened now I’d wish the person well and politely excuse myself after 5 minutes, but I was a lot younger and more of a people pleaser then.

It’s astounding the amount of people who jump to the most negative outcome of trauma dumping. Talking about who you are , what’s made up the fabric of your being is not trauma dumping. I don’t cry and beg and snot and empty my brain but it seems even the mention of emotion brings out this vision.

Yes, it is, when you are talking to a party that doesn't want to be on the receiving end of this.

Why do you think you get to ignore other peoples' boundaries?

People can care about something you've gone through. But you need to move on. If you make your trauma the centre of everything and don't make any attempt to move on people will get tired of hearing about it. Resilience. We need to teach our kids to get up, get outside, get some exercise and stop thinking inwards all the time.

@Strawberrywine1 as far as I can tell, you have't actually provided an example of when you've had an emotion and had a bad reaction.

You're still not really seeing the difference between people not wanting to get involved in conversations about heavy topics, and emotion.

At work, "Sorry, I'm a bit off today because it's the anniversary of my mum's death" I would hope would be met with appropriate levels of sympathy and the relevant colleague cutting you some slack if you're not your usual sparkling self.

But "I think there's a huge issue with bereavement in this country and people don't handle it well enough or engage with bereaved people enough" over the water cooler, possibly less so.

I used to work with someone like this. She was exhausting. So many mornings when you'd come into work and she'd be in the LM's office offloading. I think she'd tried every therapy going for whatever her issues were, and she once complained to me that the department was 'toxic and cliquey' - yeah, funny how that wasn't an issue when you were in the clique and excluding me, was it?

Got a problem? if I know you I'll be sympathetic and try to help. Got a trauma? get help.