We aren’t a good society for showing emotions. Why are people so unable to accept peoples emotions?

[Strawberrywine1]

I am an emotional person, I can’t not be, I’ve tried but I end up loosing it one way or another holding it all in and conforming.

People are always saying to not show emotions, keep them honed in or people will think bad of me.

I am not ashamed of my past. I was neglected by my mum and abused for a decade by my husband. I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling. But when you talk to people they are quick to judge and think oooo you are complicated. I’m pretty simple really. I think holding it all in and pretending I’m absolutely “normal” really complicated. Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

What are we without our emotions, they are our guides I find?

My ex mil was like this. She told my exh about his grandfathers domestic violence when he was about 10 years old.

Was constantly in tears over something, having him rush over to pick up the pieces. Family constantly worried she would top herself or drink herself to death.

I actually think I got traumatised by her in the end- now I cannot deal with overly emotional people at all, I just shut down.

this is a famous psychological bias - victim blaming as a self-preservation. You can believe something will never happen to you if you assume that the victim somehow caused their misfortune - all you need to do is "not be like them". It also allows you to dismiss the unpleasant emotions associated with the story.

Labelling yourself 'an emotional person' implies other people are somehow less than you because they have healthier ways of dealing with their own feelings. There will always be arseholes but I actually think we're a lot better at dealing with emotional issue these days - but sometimes to the point that it's like trauma top trumps and people can get tired of that.

Yes, see also those people that call themselves empaths. It's a weird form of showing off how much more they FEEL than other people.

No, they just don't know how to read situations and behave accordingly.

I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread OP. Recently I’ve found it absolutely fantastic that my workplace has fostered conversations about the life challenges accompanying menopause and miscarriage and taboos around talking about experiences of racism and discrimination. Initially I was wary but if these conversations are well-handled it can be a positive. I think a sensible person can judge that line of oversharing and won’t try to seek some sort of group therapy solution. I agree it is about making real connections, and allowing ourselves to have “bad days” without fear of judgement.

@wheo controlling or denying or suppressing. Why are so many people on antidepressants, drink, smoke etc.

@Rockshore I thought it is more of a personality trait

I describe myself as an emotional person because I am really bloody emotional - it's nearly comical, but it is neither better nor worse way to be. Just how some people are

@PartTimePartyPooper I really hope no one is under pressure to participate in those conversations?

It's finding the balance and learning to read the room as such, not everyone is equipped to listen and deal with other people's trauma.
I had an abusive upbringing and I've accepted it for what it was and it is now firmly in the past and it's not how I wish to be judged by 'oh she was abused', I've moved forward in life and it is occasionally discussed with very close friends if we're recounting past issues, not brought up at any opportunity.
You could have just done the raffle, no need for the recap on your past.
I'd be very concerned by your DDs behaviour, why is she scared and hiding?

The DD isn't being modelled behaviour that helps her to deal with stressful situations, sadly.

Im glad someone else gets it, I thought it was just me! As I said earlier it’s sad but predictable how horrified some posters are at the thought of anyone talking about emotions or feelings. In fact not just horrified but angry, the very idea brings about feelings of resentment and anger. “A problem shared is a problem halved” is clearly not a concept an awful lot of people want to subscribe to! No wonder we have a mental health epidemic!

I work in schools and I see the product of this very noticeable lack of empathy.

It’s selfish to trauma-dump on everyone around you. Part of being an adult is being able to control yourself. To manage your emotions.

More private people around you have been through awful things too. Hearing other peoples trauma can trigger our own. I’d like to go about my regular days not being reminded of them randomly at 2pm by the water fountain, for example.

@Kwam31 why not not the personal aspect. Another lady did a cake sale for her autistic nephew and we all heard about that.

She is hiding because she doesn’t like the teacher.

@murasaki how dare you…and for that I’m off. Thanks for the chat from people.

Fair enough, but I hope you try to take some of the other points of view on board.

That is the rhetoric going through this thread, judgment.

You asked a question and people are giving different opinions - this uses judgment. Seems like the issue is that not everyone is in agreement with you.

People are so easy to turn and twist and create shame.

Which is ironically what you are doing to people who dont agree with you.

You start a thread and it gets nasty and shaming about the poster. This is the problem in life.

OP, it is also possible that if you perceive the problem as everybody else, the problem is actually your way of looking at things. There are always posters on these threads who are blunt or unpleasant, but also a lot of people here who simply dont agree with you. That is not designed to be shaming, people are allowed to disagree.

I don’t think society is a particularly nice place a lot of the time and we all robotic half the time. I don’t think people need fixing just because they talk about emotions. I’ve probably got a view that is different.

That is a shame. Because there are good things that happen - for every bad story in the news, there are helpers - usually far more than the wrongdoer. People are robotic? Maybe. Depends where you work.

I agree think talking about emotions should not be taboo. But there is a way and degree to do this which is considerate of others. To be honest, if any kind of fund raising was presented to me by someone talking about their personal experience in any kind of detail, I may well feel there was an element of emotional blackmail and this would make me tend to pull back. People are struggling for money right now. And January is not a good month to be asking for contributions.

Is that not because we ARE talking about them more
we used to shut up and get on and it's only since we started talking about it more that school children feel it's OK to say they are suffering.
So therefore it just looks like more

“A problem shared is a problem halved”

Or maybe sometimes a problem shared is a problem spread. My friend who gave me a daily update on her mental health and recounting various tales of childhood trauma starting from 2018 and throughout the pandemic until 2022 definitely shared her problem.

I don’t know if she felt any better as a result of these regular trauma dumps, but it left me feeling a lot worse.

So my mental health declined further along with hers. The only difference is she had a husband and two kids she lived with during the pandemic and I lived alone so had less of a support network - but still, she felt like “expressing” her feelings to me so that’s a good thing right ? wrong - it’s not!

Let’s stop dressing up self-centredness and the lack of self awareness and consideration for others as the need to express your feelings.

PartTimePartyPooper
I agree with you overall, though the crucial part is about "sensible people".

The people with healthy approaches to emotions and healthy approaches to relationships will navigate those topics in general life. They'll also engage in those workplace conversations at a level they are comfortable with and I'd hope the culture was such that those who didn't want to share didn't have to. Eg. improved openness about menopause meaning conversations are had with the right people at the right time, being comfortable saying they've had a rough weekend.

The issue is that not everyone has a healthy approaches to emotions, some people struggle with healthy boundaries, and sub group of those people find it very difficult to respect other people's boundaries and so view other people's boundaries as some sort of personal dig. Eg. Wanting to overshare details about their perimenopause with colleagues, update on medical appointments and tests etc and if colleagues don't respond how they want, they conclude that the colleagues don't care, they're being forced to suppress their feelings, they're having to put a fake smile on, poor them

Hi @Strawberrywine1 I think I understand what you're saying, I'm unpleasantly surprised by the people trying to shut you up /point out that you're wrong.
No wonder suicide continues apace. The message I'm hearing from lots of posters is stfu about your feelings. Very sad

I am very much of the bring your professional self to work rather then your whole safe. The vast majority of people I work with are just acquaintances, we have small talk and occasionally joke about in-between getting the job done. Not wanting to discuss intimate issues with someone I barely know is not about having stiff upper lip, it is about choosing the correct audience and respecting boundaries. I have half a dozen or so close friends that I trust enough to discuss any personal problems I may be having with and even then I don't just meet up and unload on them. I usually give them the heads up that I could do with a one to one chat about X and and could do with their thoughts/advice. I am also acutely aware that I am not becoming an emotional vampire by constantly discussing my personal issues with these friends. They have their own shit going on and occasionally would lean on me for emotional support and I would give it.

Oh ffs! You have zero evidence for that!

Your colleague was doing for her nephew; that's a person removed from your workplace. I imagine your colleagues felt uncomfortable, not everything is about your feelings.
Reading your posts you seem quite unable to see others perspectives, your DD has to learn not everything in life goes in your favour, would you hide if you didn't like a colleague?

Well as far as I could see it, this thread implies that.

I may be wrong, but that is the impression I got.

Suicide is very complex and some pp need to be careful about blaming it on people not wanting to listen. A lot of the time family & friends left behind already feel guilty at having lost someone to suicide, and they did absolutely everything they could. so let’s be careful about the idea it’s caused by people not having people to listen to them.

I’ve seen people surrounded by love and counselling and great family support and they’ve still died by suicide.

Additionally, no-one is saying “stfu” they’re saying use good judgement and discernment and consider the timing, the environment and the impact on the listener before you unpack trauma . Particularly in a work situation where many people may be dealing with their own stuff but have switched off from their own issues for 8 hours to be able to function in their role and could be triggered or negatively impacted.