We aren’t a good society for showing emotions. Why are people so unable to accept peoples emotions?

[Strawberrywine1]

I am an emotional person, I can’t not be, I’ve tried but I end up loosing it one way or another holding it all in and conforming.

People are always saying to not show emotions, keep them honed in or people will think bad of me.

I am not ashamed of my past. I was neglected by my mum and abused for a decade by my husband. I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling. But when you talk to people they are quick to judge and think oooo you are complicated. I’m pretty simple really. I think holding it all in and pretending I’m absolutely “normal” really complicated. Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

What are we without our emotions, they are our guides I find?

@LolaSmiles I get what you are saying but the response from many was those victims deserve it. I don’t want to help. You stayed so you brought it on yourself. That is the rhetoric going through this thread, judgment.

It’s the degree of detail. I had a difficult childhood which was particularly nasty in places (violence, sexual abuse, mental illness etc etc) and the closest I ever get to bringing it up is that I say I had a “tricky childhood”. Sometimes, depending on context (I work in mental health so these things sometimes come up) I might bring up my ptsd or history of eating disorders but only if the context is appropriate and never ever in any detail. It’s not good for me to dwell and potentially harmful for others to hear. If I need more support than that (and I have had a lot of therapy) I reach out for professional help. Otherwise it’s not fair on the others around me.

And sometimes things are nuanced, it’s not necessarily about never speaking of certain experiences in detail but you just have to pick your moments and your audience.

Coming back to the work example, in my work there are staff blogs and people do often write about personal things and I think it’s very brave in some ways and very likely cathartic to them.

I don’t see that as trauma dumping because it’s very optional as to if others engage in it /with you ( same as an online forum with anonymous posters ) but just sitting down next to colleagues and demanding they listen to your experiences or sending a mass email or something giving in depth details about trauma isn’t a good idea and it isn’t considerate.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that abusers actively seek out vulnerable people.
Your lack of boundaries here is exposing you to further abuse.
It's well documented
Another thing is that people " self medicate" by baiting others in forums like this so I'm out.
Please seek therapy to enable you to deal with your trauma in a healthy way.

People said this at work? In response to the raffle?

Honestly, I don't think teaching children to over invest in their feelings is particularly useful. They wash in and out with the tide anyway. I think telling children that their emotions are incredibly important and that you should lean into them at every opportunity isn't healthy or useful.

Sometimes they can be a useful weathervane and you can use them as the catalyst for thinking about what needs to change. And sometimes they are a bag of dicks, they are duplicitous, telling you one thing and meaning another, or the noise of them is set too loud and I think ultimately emotions should be viewed with a bit of distance.

The point is, emotions are, at best, a starting point to a useful thought. Asking people for help because you are sad and need help is absolutely fine and is to be encouraged but sitting in your sadness, signposting your sadness to all and asking other people to get in it with you, isn't a solution in and of itself.

@LolaSmiles I get what you are saying but the response from many was those victims deserve it. I don’t want to help. You stayed so you brought it on yourself.That is the rhetoric going through this thread, judgment
Your colleagues are free to take part or not in any fundraising for whatever reason. If they've victim blamed then I think that's awful and disagree with them.

The focus on the raffle here is a red herring though on balance. Most of your posts are complaining that your network don't care, that society doesn't let anyone talk about emotions, that you're an emotional person and find that people don't want to know/only want a "yes I'm fine" response and how awful that is.

On this thread I see a lot of posters, the vast majority, saying it is reasonable to talk about experiences with the most appropriate people. It's about having appropriate emotional boundaries and reading the room and respecting other people's emotional cups.

You must work with a right bunch of assholes.

I know there is still much victim blaming in society, but given 20% if adults experience abuse at some point, an office of people who think those abused deserve it sounds a bit much.

That's a different issue to the one you posted about though...

If people have shitty and ignorant attitudes to domestic violence, I suspect we'd all heartily agree that they're idiots and dicks.

But your post is about being able to share emotions and talk about previous trauma with colleagues at work...

Obviously if you have DV related trauma you'll find it harder than people who don't when they express idiotic and dickish views on DV but that isn't what you based the OP on?

Yes a raffle about domestic abuse. Anyway as people have said it off topic. Also I’m not being abused thank you. I’ve never baited anyone on a forum before, simply expressing an opinion. I do stand by what I said but that’s just my opinion.

I don't believe that 'many' people, in response to a fundraiser for domestic abuse, said 'those victims deserve it and brought it upon themselves'

I just don't. I suspect you didn't get the responses that you felt you deserved and so have managed to manipulate their responses to that^^ in your own mind.

This is what I was wondering @EmmaEmerald. So is the OP really just annoyed that her colleagues are not supportive towards a charity that is important to her? I don’t think anyone on this thread has indicated that DV victims have brought it on themselves.

I think there's a big difference between being emotionally open with family and close friends, and offloading emotionally to everyone you meet like you would to a therapist. There's a time and a place.

Ok @FuckingHellAdele you can think what you want to about the situation and put blame where you want. That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about when I say people are afraid to talk about emotions. People are so easy to turn and twist and create shame.

People shy away from uncomfortable feelings, if we were equipped as a society to listen to the bad as well as just the good a lot of people such as therapists would be out of a job.
It's all about resilience here in the Uk, the stiff upper lip. Male suicide is still highest cause of death in men under 40. We have more people addicted to drugs and alcohol than ever before and a huge percentage reliant on anti depressants.
Shame, loneliness and lack of self acceptance cripple the nation because we are not allowed to express ourselves honestly.
Some of the harsh and horrible replies on here reveal the total lack of empathy and patience we have towards one another.
It's a really depressing state of affairs.

You start a thread and it gets nasty and shaming about the poster. This is the problem in life.

All anyone is saying is that work is not an appropriate place to emote. Talk to your friends, but accept that you also need to listen, and judge whether the situation is appropriate, it may not be. Friend's engagement party, no. Drink just the two of you, maybe. I'm much more of a listener than a talker, so if I do need to talk, my best friend knows it's important, but I suss the lie of the land first.You need to learn some boundaries.

I say this from a place of goodwill OP...

One of the most important aspects of my own journey of healing from childhood and other trauma has been to learn to detach my identity from it.

I'm by no means perfect and sometimes I go back to spending more time thinking about it, the impact it's had and similar than I would like to but I find the more I let my attention centre on the trauma, the more it becomes central to my identity and the less well I feel.

I'm not saying it should be ignored - I've had lots of therapy, but the more I make it something I talk about all the time (online or offline) or think about, the more it drags me back into depression and anxiety.

It happened but it doesn't have to be central to the 'fabric of my being' anymore. I can choose to move on and live in the present moment more and in the past much less.

I hope you find your own path to a similar place too...

I think there's a big difference between being emotionally open with family and close friends, and offloading emotionally to everyone you meet like you would to a therapist. There's a time and a place
100% this.

A healthy grip on emotions also means healthy boundaries and knowing who and when to disclose things to.

For example, on the way into the workplace "how's it going?" is not an invitation to offload the woes of the day or that something on telly last night hit a nerve of previous trauma. It's phatic talk, a bit of chit chat, that you're alright/ your in tray is fuller than you'd like/you hope the meeting won't over run/you're not with it because DC told you last night that it's dress like a polka dot Roman dinosaur day today. They might say they're tired because their 7 month old kept them up all night/they're sore from the gym/ok but dying for a coffee.

The fact this interaction isn't a open up about your inner being and feelings interaction doesn't mean nobody cares or you have to suppress your emotions and be fake. It's just a workplace interaction with appropriate workplace expectations.

It's all about resilience here in the Uk, the stiff upper lip.

No, it’s not all about the stiff upper lip, many of us have clearly said that emotionally offloading to people in certain situations at a certain level of detail can cause distress and negatively impact others.

If anything we are The ones trying to consider the fact that people don’t have unlimited emotional resilience and you need to be mindful of the feelings of others.

Additionally you have to “be a friend to have a friend” as the saying goes, and the amount of men and women who say they have no one to talk to, but yet have never emotionally supported anyone else is striking.

The friends who have taken me for granted and used me as a 24/7 therapist are usually the last ones to help on the times I have occasionally sought a listening ear.

I’ve listened and I don’t agree, sorry. I don’t think society is a particularly nice place a lot of the time and we all robotic half the time. I don’t think people need fixing just because they talk about emotions. I’ve probably got a view that is different.

This, exactly. Even with friends and family you need to make sure it’s the right time & place.

Agree with others. I've been on the receiving end of this from my mum for most of my life. Oversharing, trauma dumpingc whatever you call it - it's a form of abuse in itself. You're literally forcing people to listen to your own trauma, regardless of whether it affects them or not. But as long as it makes you feel better, carry on I suppose.

I can't deal with people who can't control their emotions.

It's horrible for those closest to them because you never know when they will have a meltdown, you worry every time they get bad news etc.

I think people need to learn that it's not ok to break down at every bad thing that happens, it's part of life to be able to deal with it and carry on.

You know what needs you need filled. So do others. Which is why it isn't always appropriate to share everything with everyone.