We aren’t a good society for showing emotions. Why are people so unable to accept peoples emotions?

[Strawberrywine1]

I am an emotional person, I can’t not be, I’ve tried but I end up loosing it one way or another holding it all in and conforming.

People are always saying to not show emotions, keep them honed in or people will think bad of me.

I am not ashamed of my past. I was neglected by my mum and abused for a decade by my husband. I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling. But when you talk to people they are quick to judge and think oooo you are complicated. I’m pretty simple really. I think holding it all in and pretending I’m absolutely “normal” really complicated. Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

What are we without our emotions, they are our guides I find?

Needing to talk to work colleagues/ bring it to the workplace via rafflesI mean what the hell! is a sign that you need to seek professional assistance to process what has happened to you.
People are there to work, in peace, not be your therapist.
If a colleague genuinely asked for help I would direct them to appropriate services.

People don’t engage with people enough over anything.

People have their own problems and issues. They're not other people's support humans for offloading onto whenever.

@Infusedwithchamomileandmint nice attitude. Let’s not bother.

LolaSmiles ok let’s keep abuse out of the workplace and back into the house where it belongs!!! How else are you going to help people who perhaps feel shame and doesn’t want to speak up because it’s not their problem.

I didn't say keep abuse in the house where it belongs.

Trying to guilt trip people for having healthy emotional boundaries is not a healthy response. It's also probably a sign that someone needs to speak to someone appropriately qualified about their issues to move forward.

It is reasonable for people to have appropriate emotional boundaries.

It's healthy to share the ups and downs of life in an appropriate way depending on your relationship with the person. This means that more will be shared with close friends/trusted family than acquaintances and colleagues.

It's not healthy to expect colleague/acquaintances to pick up your emotional burdens or previous trauma, nor should they have to deal with someone wanting to talk about the make up of the fabric of their being.

OP, You don’t need to “cry and snot and beg and empty your brain” for it to be considered trauma dumping.

An example of trauma dumping could be a few colleagues laughing (good naturedly) about how one of their work friends eats the exact same lunch every day.

Then one person says something like, “my ex-partner who is now in jail would force me to get up at 4am every day to make his lunch and he had a different and specific request for every day and if I got it wrong there would be hell to pay…and one day he -“ And so on…

It’s the poor timing, it’s the inappropriate context & setting , it’s the not considering if people are in the right head space to discuss certain issues at that particular time.

Think about other peoples feelings too, not just your own and your need to “share” whenever you feel like it.

@LolaSmiles Im sorry I don’t see the problem with holding something to raise money for a local women’s refuge . We do children in need and Red Nose Day…..what exactly is the problem.

I didn't say that, I said I would direct them to appropriate help.
You actually have zero self awareness or boundaries, dumping on colleagues keeps you stuck in a loop.
Please seek therapy to help you deal with your past trauma

@Mybootsare me sharing an experience and raising money helps support others.

I have to agree with PP that there is a fine line here.

Your thinking seems a bit 'black and white' on this issue.

The average person we might work with, as an example, doesn't want or need to know about your trauma or mental health issues unless it's very relevant to the conversation. So yes, they do want you to say you're fine (and to seek support from a more appropriate person, not them).

Not because they expect you not to have emotions or to actually be fine all the time but because, as adults, we all need to direct our needs for support to appropriate people.

Think about it the other way around - many of your colleagues will also have trauma in their backgrounds.

You go in on Monday in a mental place that's not great...you ask Carol from Accounts how she is and she tells you she isn't feeling great and tells you all about her childhood abuse at the hands of her father and how that's impacting her...

After that, you get to the staff kitchen and pop the kettle on and Emma is in there. She's in floods of tears over a relationship breakdown at the weekend and tells you all about it and how it's triggered her fear of abandonment from her absent father.

You finally sit at your desk and the colleague next to you starts talking about their anxiety due to their current debt problems and how they have an issue with overspending because they were bullied for being poor and how their mother had untreated bipolar disorder and became a hoarder and that she was too embarrassed to have friends over and that she's never got over the feeling of being judged and so now spends money she doesn't have trying to look polished and put together.

How is your own mental health doing now?

The sad truth is that many of us have all sorts of trauma in our backgrounds and we need to have boundaries in place to function as a society.

Oversharing is a symptom of trauma and it feels like you'd like to overshare more than people not caring.

(I say all of this as someone with a traumatic childhood who has also had to work through an occasional tendency to over share).

I don't want other people's negative emotions 'dumped' on me. I only have the emotional energy to deal with my own issues and the serious ongoing issues in my immediate family. When close friends have challenges that make them emotional, I do my best to support them- but I cannot handle everyone being negative around me. If it's positive emotions, then yes please! I'd love to hear about that....
i realised some time ago that I myself was trauma dumping on friends and acquaintances, and decided to get myself some professional support instead. I now have a more appropriate outlet.

Oversharing is a symptom of trauma and it feels like you'd like to overshare more than people not caring.
This!

Yes, but if those raising for CiN approached their colleagues with a "I was sexually abused as a child etc etc" then chances are that would be too much for.many people. Fundraising is one thing, using it as a platform to talk about your issues is another.

People deal with their own emotions and issues, they don't automatically have a responsibility to deal with yours wherever and whenever you choose to share them.

Being a "more emotional person" is not intrinsically better and mean others need to go out of their comfort zone to meet you.

People go to work to do their job. Their job isn't to listen to your emotional incontinence.
You seem to want it all one way and have little respect for others' boundaries. If you kept doing this to me, I'd be speaking to my manager about it pronto.

I don’t understand how doing something to raise money for abuse victims could be seen as bad. We’ve done raffles for children in need, autistic children but no one has called that dumping. I have an experience as so many women do, spoke up because I’m not ashamed and it’s emotional dumping.

I agree with you. The shaming and judgement thats happening on this very thread is sad but predictable. Mumsnet is full of people who can’t bear to hear about other people’s troubles in real life. They love it online weirdly, but real life?? Perish the thought! After all it’s so un British isn’t it? Stiff upper lip and chin up folks!

Oh and some folk on here misunderstand the word “resilience”. It doesn’t mean having a stiff upper lip and not crying.

Suggesting a raffle linked to an issue you’ve experienced is, prima facie, not necessarily trauma dumping.

As I stated in the example I shared, some people do trauma dump though.

It depends on various things, so how and when someone brings up their past experience, how much detail they go into it and who their audience is.

It’s not clear to me from your responses but did you just say “ I’m a survivor of DV and I’d like to suggest a raffle for refuges ” or did you eg. start going into detail about your past trauma while your colleagues are having their morning coffee?

if it’s the latter, you could actually be harming people.

You're demonstrating some very black and white thinking here, and are not seeing the very good examples people are.giving. There's an irony to you criticising others' emotional intelligence here.

Jesus I put 2 hampers on the table and a pot and wrote a small paragraph about abuse and that I was a survivor and looking to help the charity a little.

That's a point, you could be triggering other people, which isn't fair.

Also, I'll add that I recently worked somewhere where we were encouraged to open up about things we'd been through (if you were comfortable to) as part of discussions around diversity. It's a very Gen Z / millennial oriented business.

I was comfortable to open up about a couple of aspects (like a small portion of my trauma that was relevant).

At first I thought it was a refreshing approach, but actually I ended up feeling that I really disliked it. I realised that it did me a lot of good to leave my baggage at the door as much as it is possible to...I didn't like feeling that it was now following me to work.

I also realised that work was relaxing in some senses because everyone was there to get on with tasks, have light banter and such. A place where I could compartmentalise and put my trauma in a metaphorical box at reception.

I hated having that taken away by the end and was so relieved to go back to a more traditional workplace (and I would never have believed that's how I would have felt if you'd asked me beforehand).

@LolaSmiles Im sorry I don’t see the problem with holding something to raise money for a local women’s refuge . We do children in need and Red Nose Day…..what exactly is the problem.

Because it isn't about the raffle. It's about your unhealthy expectations on other people's willingness to be emotionally dumped on, which come through loud and clear in your posts.

Someone running a fundraiser at work with a healthy approach to emotions and boundaries would look like this. Person has spoken with managers about doing a fundraiser for a topic that's close to their hearts. It's approved. Person running the fundraiser knows colleagues can engage as much or as little as they want to because they're all entitled to decide if they want to participate in workplace fundraising and many of their colleagues may have their own charitable priorities out of work. They don't read into their colleagues' participation or lack of because they have a healthy grip on their emotions.

In what context are you bringing these up?

Are you seeking a safe place amongst friends and family or are you expecting all and sundry to take on your emotions?

In no world will you find that everyone cares about you and is just waiting to take on your emotions.

If you’re in work, you also can’t make a habit of going off into an emotional download mid-presentation etc.

A family member, friend or co-worker asks how you’re doing and you say ‘not great’, may be keener to take that conversation further, so some examples of how you’ve been rebuffed would be useful.

It's also the case that others may have their own emotional baggage and unfortunately have no room for yours. So many people are struggling now, there’s no telling what private battles folks have. This is where a therapist/priest/support group/friend or family group comes in handy.

So you expect every single person in a community to "be connected" to every single person? That's so completely unreasonable. It isn't society's job to council you. We've all been through abuse/hard times, only I could save myself from mine, talking didn't solve my problems, I did. You are living in a great time where help is available if you want it, call a helpline, get therapy, read up on helping yourself. You've spoken to 60 people at work? Work is for working. It sounds like you need to focus on your job. We are all charitable in our own personal ways, and usually, that wouldn't mix with work. You don't need to talk to everyone around you to feel better, talking therapies are often now being replaced by other meams such as edmr as it's been seen not to resolve the issue just by constantly talking about it. If you need help you must take it from an appropriate place and not expect the world to behave and respond exactly as you demand upon request. Oh and many of us to care about asylum seekers and problems all over the world. How would you know what everyone in the world cares about.

You're changing the topic as you're getting disagreement. Your initial post was very much that you're an emotional person and others can't deal. That's not the same as people not wanting to discuss fundraising for a shelter with you.