We aren’t a good society for showing emotions. Why are people so unable to accept peoples emotions?

[Strawberrywine1]

I am an emotional person, I can’t not be, I’ve tried but I end up loosing it one way or another holding it all in and conforming.

People are always saying to not show emotions, keep them honed in or people will think bad of me.

I am not ashamed of my past. I was neglected by my mum and abused for a decade by my husband. I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling. But when you talk to people they are quick to judge and think oooo you are complicated. I’m pretty simple really. I think holding it all in and pretending I’m absolutely “normal” really complicated. Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

What are we without our emotions, they are our guides I find?

I get that you feel a bit rejected by society because you're an emotional person.
But maybe you just needs different kinds of people around you?
Yes, some people still struggle with emotions. But a lot of people, especially younger generations, are changing and becoming more open and accepting and better equipt to handle emotions in their friends or partners.
I'm very emotional myself, but lucky enough to be surrounded by people who not only tolerate that, but see it as a strenght.

What does being an ‘emotional person’ mean in this context? If it means that you’re given to random outbursts of emotion and/or over sharing, I think it’s important to remember that most people just aren’t that interested.

Other than your friends and family, the majority of people do not care about you, your emotions or the needs you need filling. They do not want to hear about your past traumas. It’s not an inability to deal with emotion, it’s a lack of interest.

We are taught to suppress feelings early.

"Don't cry!"

Comes from a good place often (it can hurt to see your child hurt) but actually crying and emotions are nothing to fear. Feeling your feelings, hopefully having them acknowledged by someone who cares, is the quickest route to those difficult feelings actually passing.

Adults often don't know what to do when faced with another adult having obvious feelings. They might think they are required to somehow make it all better and choose to avoid instead. Or if it's a man having obvious feelings it can come across threatening to a person with abuse in their background.

I wish you luck finding other people who aren't afraid to connect, OP.

It's fine to feel how you want to feel, but being emotional around or to someone else isn't fair if the other person doesn't want the interaction.

For example, if you and your best friend are having a deep conversation together, that's great. You know they want to hear about how you feel about something and will be encouraging you.

But someone at work, or an acquaintance or at a dinner party, or a social meal may not want to know or hear about your emotions. It's not that people can't handle emotions, but they don't enjoy having others' emotions affect them in day to day life.

Its just harder work for everyone else maybe. You can still tell people about your feelings without being demonstrative.

When unemotional people do have a cry or get angry etc you know its real.

also its a good way of finding out who cares about you. If they ask about your sadness/illness/difficult issue despite you putting on a brave face you know they've paid attention.

Well it’s not going to be fun for other people to hear about your trauma is it? If you’re telling people at work and randoms about your trauma, you’re basically just making their day a little bit less nice.

I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling.

What does this mean? because I think being open to emotions overall is not a bad thing, but at the same time, if I'm standing next to you while waiting for DD to come out of school, or I'm engaging with you about something to do with work, then no, I don't want to hear about your abusive mother or husband and your emotional needs. Because it is not my job to support you.

On the other hand, if you are my friend or family member or partner, then absolutely, I'm there to support you and act accordingly.

Also, how do you expect people to react different in terms of respecting your emotions? Because again, I think it's a bit unfair if yo have unrealistic expectations of everyone around you. for example, getting upset on the school run and crying every day because your DC's dad never does the run so seeing the other dads is upsetting is not likely to lead to much support.

On the other hand, again, expecting some accommodations from people who know and love you might be different. I have a friend who is still traumatised by what happened with her dad when he had dementia and was struggling in Covid. I'm sensitive about how I talk about my dad, or if dementia came up or whatever. But I'm not going to never mention my dad in public in case someone nearby has just lost their dad and is upset by it.

I don’t think people say not to show emotions, just to show them when it’s appropriate (for example, at home and with friends and family) and not when it’s too much for other people to deal with (for example, at work and with new acquaintances).

Anger is an emotion. I strongly feel that it’s not an emotion that we should feel free to let loose with any time we want in front of any poor person who happens to be standing in the way.

There is so many problems with mental health at the moment. School children are suffering terribly. I think we are terrible at dealing with emotions and talking.

I think it’s very similar to smell. There are smells you produce that may be intoxicating to those you love and smells that people can tolerate, then again there are smells that will make people open a window or even leave the room. Those smells impact others, so it’s best to choose your audience and time and place.

You’re being a complete hypocrite though because while you want society to accept your emotions, you’re not willing to accept the emotions of others.

Feeling awkward, uncomfortable and as you say judgemental are other people’s emotions, so why aren’t you accepting their feelings? Why are your emotions valid but theirs aren’t? Why do they have to change but you don’t?

Because of this I find it hard to connect to every day people.

Every day people don’t need to know about your trauma though, that should be saved for the people closest to you (those that care) or you should see a therapist to talk about it to your hearts content. While you might feel comfortable sharing your trauma, others don’t feel comfortable hearing it and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I am happy to talk about it and I know what needs I need filling.

You’re coming across as extremely self centred and lacking in emotional intelligence if I’m honest. You never know what someone else has been through in the past or is going through currently so while talking about your trauma may be healing for you, it can be triggering for someone else. You are coping by sharing but someone else may be coping by avoiding certain subject matters and your needs don’t trump theirs. You don’t have the right to make someone else feel worse just so you can feel better.

There's a time, a place and a situation for most things, including pouring out your heart.

this is a complete non sequitur, what are you even talking about now?

No one owes you the time and space to vomit your emotions over them. I am genuinely happy to be there for SIL when she's talking about her abusive ex. But there's only so much MY emotions can take so no, I'm not there to listen to every Tom, Dick or Harry who has issues.

I think we are taught from young children to be easy and just get on with it and not speak because people don’t want to hear. Easy people much less difficult to deal with.

You have been a bit vague OP, can you give an example? What in your experience does 'being an emotional person' entail? When you say you 'loosing it one way or another', are we talking a few quiet tears or uncontrolled sobbing and screaming in public etc?

I get what you're saying, OP. But what you call 'pretending to be normal' is misleading, I think. Most of us are coping with our own difficult emotions, worries or personal demons, but we all still have to function in the world. We have to do the school run, go to work etc. Once you realise that everyone else is just doing their best to get through the day, you realise that the order created by having boundaries around the personal and the public is absolutely necessary for society to function. Quiet spaces with friends, family or therapists is where you share strong emotions and your trauma, not with 'every day people' (there is no such thing, BTW!).

I can’t argue with that. I’ve actively brought ds up to not be afraid to talk about feelings, he’s 15 now and struggling with that concept (it’s all cringeworthy in your teens!) But I keep repeating it and encouraging him anyway. Cringe away son, mum is doing right by you!

@TheCadoganArms when I say loosing it I tend to withdraw and self criticise. For example when I spent time with people who I have to pretend around. For example my in laws who believe I chose to be abused by my husband because I stayed.

If I’m having an off day I find I’m unable to speak because people really don’t want to hear it. It’s not just myself. I know of quite a few people who suffer with anxiety in silence because they don’t want people to know.
I read so much about people in relationships not feeling happy but not knowing what to do or whether they should feel a certain way.

My own daughter at school has started hiding under the table because the teacher doesn’t know how to deal with her because she gets scared of things. She feels she can’t speak because she should be behaving. Colleagues at work having breakdowns because they have held on so much thinking people don’t want to listen.

'people don't really want to hear it'.

No, they don't. Why would they?

Your child's teacher obviously needs to address the situation, but she also has 29 other kids to teach and learning objectives to be met. She's not a therapist. Perhaps your child needs a therapist?

I think there's a thin line between being comfortable to express your feelings and emotional incontinence. Resilience is something we need t practice and encourage in our children.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic but I don't really understand. Your in laws are your abusive husband's parents? I think it's not exactly weird that they don't want to ee the truth.

You say when you're having an off day you just don't speak because people don't want to hear it. But what people? I don't want to hear it from the person I'm sitting next to on the bus, or the lady in the office 3 doors down from me, no. But if I suggest meeting up for a drink then absolutely, I'd like you to be honest with me about why you don't want to.

I read so much about people in relationships not feeling happy but not knowing what to do or whether they should feel a certain way. This one is a much bigger problem to do with society's expectations etc. Emotions definitely come into it but it's far more complex than just "people don't want to deal with emotions".

If your dd is hiding under the table at school then you should absolutely be seeking help and support for her. I would be shocked if the teachers didn't agree.

Nothing wrong with being attuned to your own emotions and able to recognise and accept them.

But I agree with PPs that expressing those emotions to others can be an issue, especially if it comes across as self-centred. People are generally kind and want to help others but only to a point. Somebody who wants to constantly offload their negative feelings is going to be draining and exhausting to those around them.

I've raised my DC to feel able to talk about their feelings if they're struggling but also given them a huge amount of emotional resilience. Life is tough and, to a certain extent, we do just have to get on with it.

Why do you expect all of society to be your sounding board? That isn't how it works - you're quite correct in that people "Don't want to hear it."

The issue here sounds less like society and more like your inability to identify those who do care and are your support system.

Who are these people telling you not to show emotions?

I have friends who show their emotions more or less- some people are more demonstrative than others. I don't think anyone has a problem with that. Where people have more of a problem is where "showing emotions" means "losing your temper, being aggressive"- that's not ok.