Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

we have both agreed to try make the marriage work

Oh how very magnanimous of him, you know, after HE CHEATED!

Sorry but for a start, trust would have to be rebuilt. Which would mean him breaking it off with her and agreeing to show commitment to you, the primary partner, for as long as it took for you to rebuild trust with him.

You cannot have an open relationship with someone who doesn't show first and foremost that you and your feelings are going to always remain number 1 priority.

If anything open relationships require more trust, more attentiveness, better communication and arguably even more loyalty than monogamous relationships. Otherwise people get very hurt.

This man isn't capable of these things.

Ok. He already abused your trust.

So what trust is, the agreement based on? There is no trust. He lied to you for a year.

If he is happy to go down the divorce route and the kids are older, he isn’t happy to prioritise you.

He is half way out the door.

@noblemilkyway What if you don't find anyone like he has? Would you still be content in the open marriage? Knowing that he's going out to meet her and she is making him happy whilst you're at home on your own.

I just don’t know why it needs to be this complicated, it sounds like you are trying to salvage something but I can only see it dragging on until you eventually split anyway. I don’t get what’s in it for you OP, you sound very passive and accepting of what amounts to a total betrayal.

I don't know if he was using her at the beginning as someone who he could talk to and she was there to listen and say the things he wanted to hear.
He feels that he doesn't want the OW to feel like she's being used.
I know that this does sound fucked up.

He's treating you better and you're having good sex because he thinks all of his dreams have come true - he cheated and not only got away with it, but he's made it so that he can have all the comforts of home while playing away and not having to hide it. He's on cloud 9 - for now. He hasn't respected you at all so far in this process so I don't see why he will do so going forwards.

In my experience, men don't like to be the ones saying the break up words as it makes them the bad guy. By telling you he has been having an affair for a long time and that it has got serious, he was probably hoping that you would break up with him and he could tell all his friends that you ended the marriage.

Are you the type to get anxious? Will you worry that he is pining after her the rest of the time ("distance makes the heart grow fonder" and all).

Is there an agreement that he won't get a third woman?

Stay friends with him.

Separate.

See other people.

He's not naive. He's got you both right where he wants you 😥

Oh come on, have you any idea how ridiculous this sounds, he's not applying to the Courts for child visitation rights, what do you think the ow is doing when he's not with her. They are both taking the piss out of you. It's like something out of a Royal love triangle scandal.

Respectfully OP, he’s already been with her, without any of these restrictions, for over a year now. So these aren’t even worth the paper you write them on because they will just continue as they have been. So if you’re okay with being the other woman, then stay, if you’re not and you genuinely believe these terms carry any weight, leave.

The OW will get the best of him whilst you get the crumbs.
What do you think your adult children will think if you tell them/they find out? I would strongly recommend a divorce. He’s a liar and a cheat and any ‘agreement’ will be broken whenever he feels like it. He’s living your joint life on his terms. He’s taken any say you had in your relationship out of your hands and in effect backed you into a corner.

I’m not even sure what levels of ridiculous I’ve just read….divorce him and find someone worth your time

Oh this sounds a lot like my divorce

Get yourself some space from him and the situation. Allow yourself to think and feel and the pieces fall into place for yourself and follow that. Also protect any cash or assets you have.

Do not allow him to rush you into agreeing or committing to anything before you even know the truth (all of it, if you ever will) and how you think or feel about it.

If you decide it's over you don't have to be honourable, he wasn't. He will likely do, sign or agree to anything of he thinks it will keep the show on the road.

It’s up to you, OP, but it sounds as he wants to keep the benefits of a family unit, not part with any money in a divorce, and shag around as he wishes.

Perhaps you wants the same thing-if so, that’s fine. But think carefully about what you do actually want.
In your shoes, I’d want to discard him and get on with my life, tbh.

OP, is there a possibility you are depressed? Your emotions seem very flat or something?

Also, why do you think that a woman who has already fucked your husband will abide by any of your rules?

Please talk to your counsellor solo and properly. You want to meet a woman who slept with your husband without your permission to agreed your future permission? Do you realise how strange that sounds?

Op how do you see this ending?

Take a step back from just desperately trying to save this "marriage" and picture what the next 5 year will be like. I say 5, but truthfully, the marriage probably won't even get that far.

Seriously, have a cup of green tea or something soothing, go into a quiet room with a pen and paper, take some deep breaths in and out and then, write down, exactly what will happen, based upon his prior examples of behaviour, over the next 5 years.

Because the chances are, you already know. But you're too busy trying to salvage things in the moment to look into the beyond and see what's coming.

What exactly happened when he told you he was cheating on you? Did he tell you then suggest an open arraignment, or did you suggest it?

It sounds naive (understatement of the year) because it is.

He has been using you instead.
The fact he has said he doesn’t want the OW to feel used should tell you his priorities do lie with her, not you. If you think she will sign the agreement then she KNEW you existed - he told her ‘the truth’ - it was you who he chose to lie to and betray. His loyalty can’t be with you.

What some women will put up with! And all the while pretending to themselves that they're OK with it. Good grief, he's really done a number on you, OP.

This grim when he’s having sex with someone else tbh…

You sound beaten down, OP.

The OW will get the best of him whilst you get the crumbs.

This. Please try and find your anger.

You cannot legislate other people's feelings and behaviour like this; it's actually unethical of you, controlling of you, to try to. This is not how any healthy relationship works, including open relationships.

If you and he want a setup this, you need to hire a professional, and pay them to meet your specifications.