Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

You lucky lucky lady!

Your poor husband though! So many women to fuck, so little time.

What is the point? Seriously, what is the point? Is this everything you’ve ever wanted for yourself and your children?

There's absolutely no way I'd contemplate an arrangement such as this with children in the mix. Hell, no.

Imagine your daughter coming home and giving you this scenario? Would you be all... Well yes... It'll bring you closer, I mean look... You've already been out for lunch twice this week. At least he's using a condom... And you are getting a bit more action?

I think it’s got disaster written all over it and you’ll be facing even worse heartbreak down the line.

Just end it and move on. There are men out there who would love and respect you and won’t need extra helpings from other women.

Absolutely agree. This is what I told him when I found it.
But it's happened and we now have to move on from it.
We have both agreed to try to make the marriage work.
But at the same time, we would also be free to date/have a relationship with another person.

So when you were having the casual conversation about an open relationship, he was already having an affair?

Did he suggest the open relationship by any chance?

Well howdy Happiness for him: he’s got it goin’ on, hasn’t he! OP is this honestly something you would have contemplated if you weren’t worried she will “win” if you don’t go along with it? It’s so far from anything I can really see as a benefit to you that I don’t know where to start. As others have said it’s almost a cult attitude. If you’d really wanted an open marriage you’d have been in one before he broke away behind your back - which was disrespectful in the extreme. He’s got an almighty cheek.

This isn’t an open marriage though. This is an uncommunicative, difficult husband who has been having an affair and wants to redraw the rules so he can justify his deceit.

honestly, OP, you deserve so much better than this.

What are the rules and boundaries you will include in the Agreement OP?

Exactly. Irregardless of what he SAYS, you just watch him turn on that the second someone else shows interest in you. You'll be called every name under the sun.

He intends to keep you home too busy with his headfucking and household drudgery that you could possibly meet anyone else.

He is happy to “go down the diverse route” OP.

He wants a divorce but is earning a guilt free conscience by agreeing to any ridiculous arrangement (for now) so he can tell himself he REALLY tried to make it work.

He isn’t really interested in making it work.

Divorce, not diverse ffs.

OP, here is my advice.
Leave him, now, forever. Forget him.

Have some therapy (or more therapy), and work out what you really want for you. When you embark on a new relationship, make your terms and conditions clear from the start. It won't stop you from being hurt later, that could happen to anyone, but you'll have given yourself a fighting chance of getting the life you want.

The current 'DH' has been cheating on you for a year. Get rid.

We have both agreed to try to make the marriage work.

You can't make a marriage work when there are three people in it.

She makes him feel 'happy and calm', does she?

Yes, that's because he's got a mistress for jollies and a wife for the drudgery. It's the 21st century, OP. Sling him out and see how happy and calm he is then.

And I bet those re-drawn rules will look something like Monday, Wed, Fri he shags her, tues , thurs it’s you. Weekend is whoever has stepped out of line least during the week. I bet he’s loving the idea of his little harem and hasn’t given a thought to you starting another relationship, less still OW having her hunk on the side.

OP, on reflection you need a lawyer, not a Mumsnet thread.

I think you need to get some idea of the legal implications of divorcing a man (with a lot of joint assets) for adultery, if you have appeared to condone this behaviour, or committed adultery yourself.

These are very real legal concepts you can't therapy or open marriage your way out of, or at least you need a good apraisal of the legal and financial implications if you try to.

He's not a bad person. Our friends would never have guessed he would do something like this.

Oh OP, I feel for you. If I had £1 for every time I've read this on Mumsnet, from women who have been dumped by their 'loving' partners, I would be sunning myself in Barbados right now.

You're in a horrible situation -- horrible for you, not the others. You want to see a solution where you stay with the man you love and he treats you decently. But I'm sorry, this just looks like a slow and painful way of splitting up. With him road-testing other women while living comfortably at home till he's found one to move in with.

He's showing no respect or love for you at all. I am sorry you're going through this.

Its only an 'open relationship' if both people know about it... He is mugging you off op.

This is ridiculous. Let this marriage go. Don't keep it going till it ends even more badly

I think so.
He said he thought he only had to tell me when it got serious.
I've been through all these questions with him.
It's done and we can't go back to the past.
Maybe, he or I or both are naive.

I’m sure polyamory / open marriages do work for some people in some situations, but not in yours OP.

You say yourself these rules and agreements are based on trust, and he has broken yours by engaging in a secret relationship with this woman over the last year. Anybody involved in a poly relationship or an open marriage will tell you that honesty, communication, respect and above all TRUST are the most important foundations. He has lied to you, omitted the truth for a year, broken your trust by being with her in secret, and on top of that there’s the issue of BOTH of your sexual health he may well have put at risk by sleeping with you both during this time quite possibly without protection.

He doesn’t want an open relationship, he just wants to keep her. At the cost of losing you it seems. And you don’t particularly want an open relationship, you just seem in denial about the reality that your husband has had an affair and wants to continue it. Open relationships and poly relationships should benefit ALL parties equally.

Very sensible. And I think most of us can’t give you much feedback beyond mystification at the notion of letting him completely overturn your marriage on the terms ( and spirit) it was entered into. My heart goes out to you OP because I know you’re trying to hang onto something you valued but this solution isn’t going to restore it. It will be like those catacombs where people dress the dead in their best clothes and store their skeletons because they don’t want to let go.

Then date other people - as a single woman

Jesus OP stop drinking the kool aid .. he’s having an affair .. he’s being more attentive because he’s living the dream , two women playing the “pick me “ tune .. and what happens when he “forgets “ to use a condom and she’s pregnant ?
Also people in one relationships don’t bleat to the other person about how dreadful their marriage is , the whole idea is they are still respectful to the marriage .
He’s not respectful , he’s manipulating and gaslighting you and you are in so deep you can’t see it .

He only sees her one day every two weeks or three consecutive days each month;
no gifts or financial support;
restricted dates (our birthdays, family events) when he can see her;

Others, but that's about the gist of it.