Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

the OW might not be finished having children (if she is 15 years younger than H).
How would her having a child factor in/change your H's feelings?

Honestly the whole situation sounds awful for you OP. I don't have much practical advice but I do hope you find a solution you are happy with.

I would argue that that's because he can see you blowing up his cosy little set up.

Then his kids will think he's a sad ageing sleaze, his colleagues will think he's skeevy, your mutual friends will agree, your family will despise him, he'll take a huge financial hit, & he won't have any excuse not to move to a small apartment/ in with OW. Who comes with a young kid just as his are all grown.

None of that sounds like fun.

Lunch with the wife appliance is a small price to stave all that icky unpleasantness off.

You don’t want an open marriage OP you just want to feel pure getting a bigger slice of the cake than the OW and feeling like you’ve won because he shags you more than her.

Honestly he can’t believe his luck that he’s got caught balls deep in another woman and yet he’s someone turned this into a good thing for you all.

And you have kids - fuck that!!

This is one of the grimmest threads I’ve read on here against some pretty stiff competition

Total madness! Pack his bags and ship him off to OW tonight! Talk about wanting his cake and eating it!

Get rid.

I think this PP has it.

Tell him you've found another guy and be really excited about it. He'll see it a bit differently then.

You’re so desperate to keep him you’ll agree to anything and he knows it. This will rumble on and when he eventually leaves he won’t look like as much of an arse as you ‘agreed’ to all this so can’t make out to other people that he’s done anything wrong. He’s totally manipulated you.

If he has in fact told her about this agreement they’ll be laughing at you. Even if he isn’t laughing she certainly will be. He’ll feel pity for you for being so agreeable and just accepting crumbs. The worst part is that he’s made you believe you’d be the ‘primary’ partner and main priority and you’re supposed to feel what? Grateful and like that makes you number one. Come on, seriously.

Please see this for what it is, get some therapy and build your self respect and self worth. He’s made you believe this is partly your idea and even a good idea. He’s manipulated you and you actually believe what you’re saying that this is something you and he have decided together. You’ve got your head so deeply in the sand here.

It would not work for me personally. Be very sure that YOU look after YOU in this and not agree to things to make your husband happy.

You must have an interpretation of love that differs from most because someone who has abused you and cheated on you , neither loves or respects you. He doesn’t want an ‘open’ relationship, he wants to cheat in plain sight because (I’m guessing) he can’t be bothered with the chore or inconvenience of lying to you.

You sound so worn down and desperate that you are prepared to continue with the farce that this man loves or respects you. The document that you think will give you a semblance of control will be a written reminder of how desperate you have become, especially when he inevitably breaks it.

You should be in solo counselling not couples counselling with your abuser.

And what’s the betting once this ludicrous contract between you is signed and he’s only allowed to see her 3 times a month, he starts ‘working late’ or having ‘a beer with the lads more often

"He's okay with me finding someone else.
I think it's because we've been together for so long and our relationship got stale"

FML

I've been with my DH for 23 years;things have gone abit stale at times;we've been to counselling & learned to communicate better,carved out time for each other,we go on date nights,we have the occasional weekend away,if we're staying in a lot we find a tv series to watch together so it's our thing;I buy beautiful lingerie,adult toys,we might try something new in the bedroom.

We don't feel the need to shag other people,I would be heartbroken if my DH cheated.

Why have you posted OP?;what were you hoping for?

Is letting you husband do this to you worth letting the fear of being alone and being divorced get to you?

If you had said no to the open marriage do you really think he would have given her up?

Truthfully if you asked him to pick your marriage or their relationship which one do you think he'd pick?

WOW what an unbelievable situation that you seem happy with.

I bet that the OW has no idea that your husband is still having sex with you.

You have one life. you have only a limited number of shots at happiness, fulfillment, contentment. You just seem to be bending over backwards for him and the inequality in your relationship is just staggering.

He really is the man who is having his cake and eating it.

What's the betting that that would be the point he starts shouting 'you're having an AFFAIR! I'm divorcing you, immediately!'

And any attempts of OPs to point out that he did it first would be seen as sour grapes and she would be the bad guy.

Are we talking serious wealth that would have to be split? That will be what he's protecting ... is that any part of your motivation too, OP?

This does not sound like anything is on your terms OP. If people want an open relationship then that’s fine and none of anyone’s business. But none of what you have described is open. It’s actually cruel and hard to read.

I don’t think you should stay with him. It’s all very controlling and manipulative. I’d be running for the hills!!

He will probably leave for this ow eventually. Or he will get her pregnant and leave, and then mess you about for years. Either way this will not end well OP. Be kind to yourself , seek counselling and move on .

My thoughts on this are that you deserve better. The thought of separation is frightening and overwhelming and denial is normal. I have experienced it. I did not want my marriage to end. But I suspected he was cheating so I knew that it had to. It was a scary experience but I dug deep, went back to work full time, focused on myself and our children and for everyone’s sake, forgave my ex.. It’s hard work but I would rather this than a marriage of convenience (convenient for him but not so much for you, I suspect).

Seriously op fuck that shit
Get out and work on your boundaries and self esteem hes having you on

Op what did he actually say when you said about meeting the ow?

you keep trying to justify his actions and have mentioned that he was the one to suggest this arrangement. Are you actually comfortable and happy going through this arrangement or are you just going along with it to make him happy

And OW has been a right little player, slicing in where she saw an opening. It won’t just be him prioritising her needs, she’ll be fighting her corner like a stowaway rat.

I think this “contract” is a way for you to try and claw back some control of this situation and feel like it’s something you’ve agreed to, to take away from the fact your husband has been horrendously unfaithful.

It IS hard to read. It has really upset me - so much so I half hope this is not a real thread.

Your DH is going to love this arrangement until you get yourself a boyfriend.

He is cheating on you and lying to you. You are miserable.

Start loving yourself and leave. You will be happier alone.

My top priority would be for him to have a vasectomy. Sod asking another woman to sign nonsense about your twisted setup, get him to agree to close the door on turmoil for his existing children and you, by ending any future mishaps:

Then divorce for me.

He IS a bad person. You need to set your bar much higher.