Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer

But you love and care for each other…

Stop trying to justify this to yourself - he cheated on you then used a flippant conversation you had once to excuse himself .. an open marriage is something that’s discussed from the outset ..

don’t make any more excuses and end this joke if a marriage .. you deserve better

He's not a bad person. Any of our friends would never have guessed that he would do something like this.

Also he absolutely does not love and care for you

I'm sorry but there is so much wrong with this that it's hard to know where to begin. You're coming across like someone who has been trapped in a cult for so long that they don't know normality or reasonableness any more.

I mean, did the therapist choke when they heard about this set up?

This is categorically not love.

You are married to a deceitful, manipulative man who is focused solely on himself.

Please get some therapy for yourself to work out who you are and what you need.

Talk of a signed contract is nuts. I mean, what of someone breaks it? What would happen?

You and your husband signed a marriage contract and he has broken it, smashed it into tiny pieces. Why go back for more?

Poor diddums will be sad if ow leaves him, will he be sad if you leave him too.

My relationship with my DH?
If it's my relationship with my DH then it's given me clarity on how we treat each other.
It's strange to hear that the last week he's been more attentive towards me, doing things together, met up a few times for lunch and dinner, and we've talked more.

Its over, do what you need to to secure the best possible outcome for yourself, string him along if you need time to get your ducks in a row and then take him to the cleaners.

What in the world. For the love of god wake up. He's having an affair. He doesn't have to hide it because he knows you are so beholden to him that he can just tell you and you will do nothing... In fact, you will encourage it and beat yourself up for pushing him into it.

He doesn't want to be in the marriage with you. He wants out. You don't want him to leave so you will tolerate anything at all. Why?

I understand that the agreement is not enforceable but it's based on trust.

Oh, OP. What trust? There is no trust. He's lied to you every single day for an entire year while he has a sexual and romantic relationship with someone else.

He's already made and signed a relationship agreement, remember? Your marriage vows and marriage certificate. He didn't keep those.

He's in a relationship with someone else; he's happy to divorce; and your children have left home. You sound absolutely desperate to keep him, to stay 'married'. This agreement won't do it. He's already long gone, and so is the marriage you thought you had.

Don't agree to anything. Consult a lawyer for advice on your legal options, and see an experienced and accredited psychotherapist for individual support just for you.

Everyone would be shocked that my h had an affair. Means nothing that he was a nice person. He isn't. Just hid it well.

of course he's being more attentive. He wants to blindside you into his wet dream fantasy.

I honestly can’t understand why you’d be ok with this. Yes some people have open marriages but it’s a very particular lifestyle choice that is usually laid out at the outset. This is just DH wanting to have his cake and eat it.

That's because he wants to keep you onside, what will he be like if ow leaves? Please don't feel grateful to her for improving your marriage. Couples do things together, meet up and talk without shagging other people, does she wash his dirty cacks and tidy up after him too.

He’s gaslighting you - telling you it’s ok to go behind your back because you’d been discussing it. LTB. I know it’s easier said than done but what else is he going to do to make himself happy?

OW doesn't give a flying fuck about you, a piece of paper won't make any difference.

You can either tell DH to carry on but be discreet or leave.

I actually wanted to meet up with her to suss out her intentions with being with my husband. He says she doesn't ask anything financially of him (but I bet he pays for every dinner and hotel stay). But I wonder whether this may change over time? He says he wears a condom and she doesn't want another child.

I wonder if I can be the OW if I were in her shoes?

A meeting (just me and her) has been suggested but I think I will hold off the meeting until after my solo session with the counsellor next week.

Well you are just taking the piss or you’re beyond help.

When you say “something like this” do you mean abuse me and betray me in a way that fundamentally destroys all social, cultural, and legal expectations? And he’s not bad?

The reason EVERYONE is saying he’s bad is because he’s REALLY FUCKING bad.

The sex has actually been more frequent.

I guess the agreement is based on trust.
Getting a divorce certainly is an option; not quick as we have a number of assets.

I just don't see how an open marraige helps you in anyway.

It isn't giving you the communication you want.
It isn't even in agreement with what you want - he was already cheating.
It won't stop you feeling taken for granted.
It won't help your tears or sleepless nights.

If anything, it will commound these issues.

You even say he is happy with divorce.
He behaves as if he is divorced so it makes zero difference to him.

I'm not trying to be horrible but I just don't see how any of this solves your problems.

Are you sure you aren't just flogging it to death and delaying the inevitable? How will an open marraige, especially when he doesn't seem to define it the same as you, work for you?

'He's not a bad person'.

The shit we tell ourselves when we are refusing to actually look at what is infront of us.

There are studies that show the more proximity over longer periods of time we have with someone, the more we assume them to be good people. It's natural behaviour designed to bond groups.

That and the fact that you care about him and so assume, as your partner, he MUST also care about you. Otherwise, why would he stay?

The truth is, he is nothing like you. He stays because its convenient for the mean time. Perhaps because he gets other things from the relationship like getting to look like a decent, family man to all his buddies. Or, simply, remaining in his current home.

Other people think he's nice because of time and proximity. And because they are not the people close enough to see who he really is. They are not people he betrays, cheats on and lies to. They are not his victims.

But you are. So stop buying his hype. You've seen how capable he is of cruelty, disloyalty and disregard of other people's feelings. Drop your rose tinted spectacles and be honest with yourself. At best, he's a pretty bad person. At worst he's downright evil.

All this chat re open marriage is just nonsense. It's not an open marriage. It's him having an affair with your blessing. I mean you won't be the first or last to be happy with that arrangement but it's not an open marriage. It's just you deciding you would rather stay in a shit marriage than be on your own.

@noblemilkyway I suggest you show serious interest in sleeping with another man to the extent you tell him that you have arranged to meet up with someone.
I can guarantee your dh will not like it one bit.
Try it, I dare you.

Okay so if we go along with this. You can have an affair as well then? You can have as many as you want? How would he like them apples?

He wants an open marriage because you are convenient. If the ,OW goes wrong he's still got you until he finds another one. Or if the OW goes well he will leave you. Then what?

Of course he's paying for stuff. Is this joint money he paying for meals and hotels with?

The OW won't meet up with you. She's either with your DH for kicks or has plans to get him to leave you.

You are emotionally and financially supporting this.

To be fair - you only know what HE tells you he's told her. He may have promised her a completely different set of events.

And I'd suspect he's now being nice and your relationship is improved because he is getting absolutely everything that he wants. He's got you keeping house for him, having sex with him and convincing yourself that your marriage is 'better than ever' and he's got his shiny new woman making herself all gorgeous for him and doing whatever he wants in bed in an attempt to try to 'win him'. Why would he NOT be happy?