Am I the other woman? Is this an affair?

[shackies]

Hello. I won’t waste time here, I’ll get straight into it.

In November, one of my old friends and I had a one night stand. It was the best sex I have ever had. So passionate and adventurous. However, he is married and I am separated.

Yes I know, it’s terrible. We went to school together and have known each other since we were 12. We reconnected around 15 months ago and have chatted on and off since.

We had flirted a bit online before he came to my house and we had sex. This has only happened once. Since then, we have spoken on and off. I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again. He would usually initiate it.

Recently, I told him I was finding the whole situation difficult and he agreed it was. We both also agreed that the whole no contact thing was something we both sucked at.

Over the past few days, communication has really ramped up. We speak from morning until bedtime and throughout the day. Lots of flirting, but nothing particularly romantic. We talk about our days and have general chit chat too. He likes to know what I am doing, watches my posts on social media, asks for pictures of me and asks about men pursuing me.

I know I have been naive, or just buried my head perhaps. This is beginning to feel like it’s developing.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here? Thanks.

I've read some confusing questions over my years on Mumsnet.

This wasn't one of them.

Yes, you know already. The flirting has paid off for you both.
It is exciting and so it is boring to go no contact.
The flirting constituted an affair in itself. He chose to not be trustworthy and you chose to incite and turn a blind eye.

Long term it might not be as entertaining or enjoyable but you have both stuffed up the prospect of his wife and children living in a long term sercure family situation.

If you have any self respect, you would insist on no contact and only accept any communication from him after he has finalised his divorce and has his chldren settled into a routine of swapping homes and child care etc. Possibly he is only after the fun and run and you won't hear from him.

I don't know why selfishness and cheating is so alluring. No relationship is perfect. Maintaining a marriage can be dull, at times, so I guess some, like you, think it's fair play to explode the whole concept. Strive for the lowest common denominator, detonate all prospects for happy families.

It doesn’t sound like you want advice on what to do, it’s more that you want to ‘vent’ or share what’s happened/happening bc there’s nobody in your life you can do that with. Probably bc you know what their reaction would be and how they’d view you going forward and probably forever. That’s going to be the reality unless you cut contact now. The fact you’re still replying to posts on here with more info affirms your need to ‘confess’ (share). If you were friends with women like you you wouldn’t have needed to put up this thread as you could take turns trading sleazy stories and egg each other on by yourselves. You’re obviously flattered by his attention, probably more so bc you’re separated so it’s an ego boost. If he hasn’t left his wife to be with you it shouldn’t be that much of an ego boost. A one night stand is one thing but to continue messaging the way you are - not really the actions of someone who’s feeling guilty is it. End it now and find someone who is single ffs. Think how you’d have felt if it happened to you. And if it did happen to you which is why you’re separated then there’s even less of an excuse. Just move on.

I don't think this was a one night stand, you didn't bump into him last November, you stated you had been conversing on social media for 15 months before you invited him to your home.
Since then it has continued for nearly 3 months messaging.

All very premeditated on both sides.

Why are you asking if this is an affair, do you want it to be classed as one, are you afraid to be seen as less than an ow?
Do you want him to see you as the ow and his wife ?

It's saying something when you don't even know if you're an ow.
Raise your bar, you must know his wife, this is horrible.

It's lazy hunting down old school friends, find a single guy.

I have not rtft but it sounds to me as though you actually want to be the ow and are asking MNs to confirm if this is what is happening. This is the most disingenuous thread I have ever read.

You are very naive if you need a bunch of strangers to clarify this is an affair when you really already know that. His wife may be oblivious but she will find out. Relationships like yours never last. There’s no winners

Let's play 3 truths, 1 lie.

•It's 2024
•It's NOT an affair, OP
•Today is a Tuesday
•OP is an inconsiderate and selfish woman who clearly doesn't care about leaving a path of carnage and destruction in her path

I'll leave you to work out the lie...

Maybe you have low self-esteem and are attracted to unavailable men?

I wouldn't stress over what to be calling this, op. I'd be more concerned that I'd kept engaging in this hopeless situation when I knew deep down it was wrong. Hope you wake up and work on yourself.

It’s not exactly a full blown affair but it might become one

I want to play!
3 truths 1 lie
It's Tuesday
It's 2024
It's January
This post is real

OP just wants validation that it's more than a quick one night stand. Hearing other people say it is a full blown affair makes her feel all warm and fuzzy and special.

Ignore the misogynistic poison being vomited all over this thread OP.

Yes, it's an affair and you need to cut contact with him now. If you are struggling with the attachment or low self esteem, I'd recommend having some counselling to help you process why you've sought out this situation.

Of course you are the other woman. He is a cheat and you are no better.

If she found out and told everyone you had ruined her marriage how would you feel about that?

The only thing you can do now is choose your path.

you stop

or you don’t

ask yourself who you really are

I really really hope for there are no children involved in this. So awful for them if there is :(

Also OP I hope you're OK, there's some pretty "blunt" language being used on this thread.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair?

Hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

If you were married to him and found out that he'd gone off and shagged another woman, how would you feel?

If you then found out that not only had he had this one-night stand, he was continuing to message her and keep up contact, presumably in the hope he could shag her again, how would you feel?

Over to you.

Or maybe she's a femme fatale who believes she can lure the man with her magical magnetic vagina and wreak a trail of destruction...

C'mon we don't know what the OP thinks. OP doesn't even know what an affair is. Maybe hopes this guy will leave his wife or that their relationship is over because wife is 'out a lot'. Hey maybe it is? Maybe they'll run off into the sunset together after the collapse of his terrible marriage...

Before all this, OP may wish to consider how many other women married bloke sticks his dick in and maybe ask him that question over WhatsApp so she knows exactly what she's dealing with?

Where is his wife in the evenings then?

OP, you’ll get an absolute bashing on here. But actually someone above has nailed it- I don’t think this is an affair from his point of view. It was a one nighter, and now he’s run out of other options he’s hoping to come back for a bit more. I doubt he sees any more in it than that. Why? Because he’s just a scummy bloke- he’s not special. He’ll be love bombing you to get his end away again. Anyone genuinely interested in you would not have a one night stand and then nothing for ages. They’d want to see you sooner.

My advice- put him in the bin. Never mind what situation anyone is in, he’s not a goodun. No good will come of this for anyone. And fingers crossed his wife will also see sense and dump his slimy arse

Lol you must be joking

Op, of course you know you are the other woman, and of course you could break contact whenever you want, so why do you want to be in this relationship so bad? He is a cheater. You know this. Do you really think being with him would make you happy?

‘If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair?’ - No not at all I wouldn’t mind 🙄

Everybody needs calm down OP knows shes the other woman its just that the 'affair' is still completely private & she doesn't have anyone to validate it to her as being more then it is (easy sex for a married man from a women he knew at school) so having everyone pile on good or bad calling her his 'partner' saying theyre -clearly in a relationship' ect. gives her a feeling of reality & that she's special because he's picking her over his wife

I'm inclined to agree. And would remind that I believe it was Julie Burchill who said a man will stick his penis in mud on the ground and shag that if he can. Following which a man confirmed that indeed he had done this and he wasn't alone in doing so. And then we have Adam Sandler and his apple pie. So... uhm... as long as you know you're special and different OP.