Am I the other woman? Is this an affair?

[shackies]

Hello. I won’t waste time here, I’ll get straight into it.

In November, one of my old friends and I had a one night stand. It was the best sex I have ever had. So passionate and adventurous. However, he is married and I am separated.

Yes I know, it’s terrible. We went to school together and have known each other since we were 12. We reconnected around 15 months ago and have chatted on and off since.

We had flirted a bit online before he came to my house and we had sex. This has only happened once. Since then, we have spoken on and off. I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again. He would usually initiate it.

Recently, I told him I was finding the whole situation difficult and he agreed it was. We both also agreed that the whole no contact thing was something we both sucked at.

Over the past few days, communication has really ramped up. We speak from morning until bedtime and throughout the day. Lots of flirting, but nothing particularly romantic. We talk about our days and have general chit chat too. He likes to know what I am doing, watches my posts on social media, asks for pictures of me and asks about men pursuing me.

I know I have been naive, or just buried my head perhaps. This is beginning to feel like it’s developing.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here? Thanks.

Seriously OP do you need to ask?

No, you're all absolutely right. I am being a fucking idiot.

Because we had a one night stand and it wasn't planned, it felt like just that... a one night stand. Not an affair. Because we haven't met since, and there isn't really any romance to the situation, it was really hard to gage what this was and whether the continued communication would be okay and the one night stand could have a line drawn under it, or whether it would start to intensify over time! It appears the latter is happening and I need to put a true stop to it now. I am being stupid. So stupid.

😂

Fuck me, do you really need to ask? You've shagged somebody else's husband and continue to speak and flirt with him behind her back and you don't realise you're having an affair? I'm sure you won't but the obvious answer is to block him everywhere and don't look back. It never ends well, the fallout is horrific and the pain people like you cause, is unforgivable. Have some self respect.

You both sound really unpleasant people.

More nauseating fake naivety 🥱

You’ve supported her husband in removing her right to informed sexual consent and her personal agency. That’s a shitty thing to do.

There is no way this can be real. No one can be so ignorant to have sex with a married man and then make post to ask ohh but it this an affair? Total wind up.

He is a horrible man. He is using you. He is a total loser!

i think it's an affair but i also think he's playing you / love bombing

move on if you can and quickly

You do know that he will blame you if his wife finds out and will say you keep messaging him and sending him photos. Just end it now and forget about him.

What are you going to do when his wife eventually finds out? You're an idiot.

Your reputation will be ruined and he won't leave you for her.

OP just imagine you are married, your husband has sex with another woman behind your back, he is then having regular contact with this woman he had sex with and they are now emotionally connected. You find out, what do you think of your husbands actions and would you class this woman as the other woman who he is having an affair with?

I don’t think it can be any clearer you and him are both in the wrong

Yes. You're obviously the other woman as you've had sex with and are continuing inappropriate communication with someone's husband. It's a one night stand that's turned into an emotional affair. I'd be devastated if I found my dh doing that with someone.

He's the one who made promises to love, be loyal to and respect his wife so his decisions are 100% on him regarding his actions with you. And that in itself says he's not actually a guy who's worth wasting your time on the red flags are hanging out of him. But I do think that conducting yourself this way while you KNOW there's a wife who's going to be deeply hurt by both of your actions says a lot about who you are as a person as well.

Block him. Cut all contact permanently. Move on with your life. Have some respect for yourself and go for counselling to figure out why you're allowing yourself to be used in this way and why you don't have the empathy you should have for his wife. Find someone who's available and knows how to treat women with the respect they deserve.

This is gonna hurt.

You have got to be kidding? Are you dumb? FFS

Yes

If you are genuine you may want to read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley glass. She explains how this mess happens. Also research PTSD and affairs.

You could use this experience to become a great future partner and friend with this knowledge.

Society portrays affairs as romantic - they aren’t they are abusive. Cheaters are abusers. Removing consent, agency and putting their spouse at risk of stds and ptsd. Personally I don’t couldn’t see such a man as attractive. I certainly wouldn’t waste my time on him.

Oh I dunno, maybe ask his wife if it qualifies?

With genuine kindness here - wake up this is a one-sided affair. He is using you to bolster his ego and pad out the boring bits of his day. You're in danger of stopping living in the real world and moving into a virtual existence. It's heady and overwhelming and like a drug for you. View it as if it were heroin and stop right now. It will destroy lives. But don't beat yourself up. Just put you first and move on.

Oh goodness. What have I done. 😭