He's spotted passports are missing

[DucksNotQuiteInRowYet]

I'm making plans to leave emotionally abusive and coercive H and take 3 kids to safety. My ducks are not quite in a row just yet as I don't have accommodation to go to but today he's spotted that the passports are not where they should be.

Help. What do I do next?

Hi I just wanted to say I hope you got to safety with your DC. The next few days/weeks MAY be confusing, was he really that bad? Did I make it worse than it was in my head? Am I just being silly and overreacting? I owe it to him to see him and be civil for the DC sake....IF these thoughts come I want you to come back to this thread and I want you to remember the fear you felt this morning when you made this post and asked your phone full of strangers for help and support. I want you to remember all the reasons you've got to this point (write them down now whilst you have this rush of adrenaline thats helped you take that step to leave) and I want you to remember that you owe him NOTHING not a single conversation, not a single thing. I want you to remember that medical professionals who are trained to spot abuse and to provide a safe place for you to tell, they saw enough to file an official safeguarding report and despite the daily mail having us all believe they just fill these in for everyone to cover their arses just in case, that's bullshit. They only file these when there is sufficient cause for concern. I also want you to remember that this particular stranger that lives in your phone left her abusive husband with her 2 DC in Aug 2022. I spent the rest of 2022 and the first half of 2023 in turmoil and thinking I owed him something, I didn't and I don't. He kept control over me even though I had left. Now in 2024 me and the DC are flourishing and stronger and happier than ever, we are free of his control. Be strong, you can do this even when you think you can't. I'm thinking of you and praying you are safe and stay safe x

I didn't need permission, I didn't even need my sons dad's permission to get the passport. My sons first passport I told them I don't know where his dad is as we slip when my son was a baby and the passport renewal last year was just as easy. I've taken my so abroad several times and never needed permission.

Please don't go back. He is suspicious, and the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is about to leave. I know that you wanted your ducks in a row first, but honestly, you just need to get out.

The taking out of country is not relevant here as she does not plan to do that - she just wants the passports. The husband has been controlling but not physically abusive. Definitely call a solicitor as in many cases if you are not in physical danger there are very very strong legal reasons you should not leave as you may then be housed particularly if you rent somewhere else or family can put you u p. The best advice except in cases of danger is not to leave. If the husband is violent and order against him excluding him from his and your home may be possible.

@Xenia
The taking out of country is not relevant here as she does not plan to do that - she just wants the passports.
It's very relevant though if HE wants to want the children out of the country. I don't think we know whether he can ties and connections to another country.

Withholding medical care is a form of abuse.
@DucksNotQuiteInRowYet hope you get support

I'm thinking about you and hope you have left with your children. While it may be ideal to get your ducks in a row, you can sort this from outside the home in a place of safety. Your GP can help, as can your children's school. Please seek out support xx

To be clear, people travel all the time without needing to show anything. Multiple people have told you that is their experience. I too have taken my kids to many different countries and nobody at any checkpoint has ever asked me for evidence of the other parent's permission.

Maybe instead of telling us all to 'calm down', accept you're wrong on this one. Or at best, your lawyer's advice was specific to your situation but not everyone else's.

OP, do you feel able and ready to contact Women's Aid helpline and find out if they have refuge accommodation for you? If you don't want this, they can advise you on how to stay safe and make a safety plan and an escape plan. It sounds like you are afraid of your husband, but also afraid of what it might be like to leave, that's normal, it's a case of better the devil you know. However, your situation sounds increasingly unsafe from the little you've said. So although it might be difficult to leave and so many things around that involve the unknown, the main thing is you will be safer not being with him. Contact the professionals and get advice and support, that's what they're there for, you don't have to do it alone,

Or, maybe go read the rules. You always technically need permission from everyone with parental responsibility to take a child across international borders. In practice different countries have their own rules and more or less strict about applying them. They can’t possibly ask every single adult traveler with a child for proof they have permission from everyone with parental responsibility so they just pick cases where there is more likely to be an issue. But people absolutely do lose holidays every year in the UK because they did not get permission from their child’s other parent or from family court and they have been prevented from passing immigration either in the UK or at their destination.

I would say harassing someone about where passports are that are not even needed right now is a pretty bad way of supporting someone through a head injury?
I would also suggest the Poster’s anxiety over the situation was evident and so that’s two reasons to safeguard and I was not even present.
I would not gaslight him. He KNOWS he hasn’t moved them and so will know you are lying to him which is suspicious.
I also would not tell anyone you have them. Not the hospital or social worker or family. I have seen too many situations where someone accidentally tells him you have them. Keep this to yourself.

It’s so suspicious that you had this injury and safe guarding referral whilst he’s simultaneously searching for passports. It’s scary even

worst case scenario just give him the passports, you can mark as lost and request new ones. There’s charities that might help with cost

Not seeking permission, is not the same as not needing it. I now take my kid away without seeking permission as mother dearest is no longer in the country, though i've a court order stating i must get her permission.

It looks as if this lady could possibly be heading for the family courts, so its best to follow the law in the run up

No doubt you will be going through an extremely difficult time in the coming weeks or months if you're separating and have young kids.

I had the joys of 2 custody battles in the space of 4 years that went to the final hearing (both going my way, though most certainly didn't feel like a victory), and a couple of other court cases, such as one for taking my daughter on holiday!

Anyway one thing i will highly recommend, is sorting your future problems and arguments out between yourselves if that is possible.

If you can't, then go to mediation (DO NOT REFUSE MEDIATION), and resolve it there ... as if you go to the family law court ... all a judge will do is get you both to decide between yourselves outside the court room, and he will rubber stamp the agreement he is pushing you towards. You'll have either CAFCASS or your legal representative going between the separate rooms ... this will cost a fortune many 10s of thousands, and be extremely stressful to the point it killed a young lady around the time i was in court.

You don't have to be in the same room or building for mediation.

SO AVOID THE FAMILY LAW COURTS AT ALL COSTS, AS AT ONE TIME YOU AND YOUR SOON TO BE EX COULD COMMUNICATE ... THIS WILL BE THE BEST OUTCOME FOR THE KIDS AND FOR YOURSELVES.

And the family law court judge isn't interested in your personal squabbles with your ex, they hear it many times a day, every day of the week ... its all about "what is in the best interests of the kids" .... so he may be the worst husband, but if he is a good father that is all the courts care about.

Most family law barristers and solicitors are the scum of the earth who play games with kids lives for money, avoid them other than at mediation!

I wish you well in getting through this!

PS If you cant afford a solicitor to provide advice prior to mediation, find a McKenzie Friend who is a former solicitor, to advise you. Family law is not complex law, you just need to think of what is best for the kids, and be reasonable.

PPS The status quo argument is a good argument in the courts, so avoid moving the kids areas/schools if that is possible, as you have to get permission to move your kids schools from their father.

If you move them without his say so, he can apply to the courts, get the case fast tracked and won probably win.

Avoid the Family Law courts!

I truly hope you and your kids are somewhere safe to rest for the night and wishing you a speedy and smooth recovery from your injuries

I hope you are ok and have managed to get out Ducks.

Hope you and your children get out safe ❤️

She hasn't said anything about court, she isn't near that stage yet as far as we know...

my apologies - it seems I have threads confused. Thanks for pointing this out. I will delete.

I have reported my post and asked for deletion. Again my apologies for any confusion x

Sending you good wishes and hoping you are all safe.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to help. It really is very much appreciated and your advice has been invaluable at this really difficult and upsetting time.

I wanted to add that my concern was more that he had begun to notice that documents had been moved from their usual place which would have blown the leaving plan.

For various reasons which I won't go into I will need to replace or "find" them over the next few days. Yes I know this isn't ideal but it's my situation and I've not shared all the details about it with you. Please forgive me.

While out today I have photographed and saved in the cloud in various places all the documents so that even if the hard copies have to stay in the house eventually then I have digital copies available anyway and can get replacements if needs be when the time comes.

Please also be reassured that it categorically wasn't him who injured me.

My (mild rather than serious) injury is healing well and I am feeling much better after a tricky day yesterday and thinking more clearly now.

Thank you again for your love and support.

🦆🦆🦆

For various reasons which I won't go into I will need to replace or "find" them over the next few days.

@DucksNotQuiteInRowYet glad you are healing and feeling better but as others have said, you really should not give back the passports to this man. if you can you are better off leaving now while you are able to. please. I hope you are safe and manage to leave.

Don’t hesitate to ask women’s aid or the Police for advice on how to leave OP. You are clearly terrified of him. I know he has not physically abused you (yet?) but you are obviously either worried he will escalate to that when he realizes you’re leaving or that he will react badly and lash out in other harmful and abusive ways (financial or emotional abusive). Domestic abuse services don’t require evidence of physical abuse to help you. Coercive control and emotional and financial abuse are now all recognized as forms of domestic abuse.

Thanks for updating us OP.

You don't need to ask strangers for forgiveness - we don't know your full situation. You are doing the best you can in a tough situation.

There's a hotline here if you want to talk to a real person about the specifics of your situation and get advice.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Free legal protection (injunctions etc) is available here https://www.ncdv.org.uk/contact/

Directory of local support
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Stay well. Good luck!