He's spotted passports are missing

[DucksNotQuiteInRowYet]

I'm making plans to leave emotionally abusive and coercive H and take 3 kids to safety. My ducks are not quite in a row just yet as I don't have accommodation to go to but today he's spotted that the passports are not where they should be.

Help. What do I do next?

Sending you love and strength OP

Remember he can check the date you took pictures of the passports. It's an easy check within each picture. Don't show him the pictures if it trips you up. Just pretend you don't know and act puzzled. Say you though he had them. Shrug it off and don't pay it too much concern. Otherwise it will attract too much attention to the fact they're not where they should be.

Is he at home all the time? Are you able to get a bag together of the important stuff? Do you have joint bank accounts, or do you have your own money?

No advice Op but wanted to wish you well & hope you take action swiftly to get yourself & your DCs out of this situation. Please be safe.

I agree, just say you assume the passports are where they usually are.
I think you should discuss the situation with your GP this afternoon

Get out now, OP. Mention you don't feel safe to your GP.

If you don't think you'll get a chance to pack a bag you can always call the police, report the situation and ask them to escort you home to pack some things.

If you can, you might mention you have forgotten some other things too...oh really, that happened, I don't remember? They did say at the hospital my memory might be affected, but they said it might return. Let me have a think tomorrow when this splitting headache is hopefully better etc etc... all said in a weak voice with a confused and in-pain expression...

bullshit baffles brains so deny knowing where they are

Don't mention the passports, if he asks again just say you don't know, when you do get out I would report them as lost if he keeps going on about them. Good luck this afternoon with the gp.,

Women's Aid will offer you immediate help, especially since you have a head injury.
Please stay safe, ring the police if need be. Keep your phone on you.

Can you just clarify if the hospital have just done an adult safeguarding referral or if they’ve referred you to Women’s Aid? The hospital should have a Domestic Abuse Specialist Nurse, can you ask to speak to them?

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If there is a safeguarding referral can you have him removed from the house?

Sometimes women in situations like this DO need to be told to leave. Ask why they are staying etc. And yes, I do have experience with a relative. She lied and lied to cover it up. No children and drove her poor parents sick with worry over it all.

Eventually we all took a back seat because it was making people ill. Needless to say eventually the police were called and a restraining order put in place. Not a great time but she now says many years later that people making statements such as 'why are you still there' 'you might still love him but he certainly doesnt love you' made her finally admit that the relationship was doomed. She also said she didnt want to be left on her own because we ALL had partners and she didnt want to be the one left out.

Does your OH have family ties out of the UK?

Being safe is more important than having all the ducks in a proper row.

I don't quite get why you need the passports.

You can't leave the country with your kids without his permission (i presume you're not going to), as that'd be the best way of losing custody/residency.

She might be worried that that is his plan.

Perhaps it's to stop him doing that? Much of the time nobody asks at borders whether you have permission from the other parent. I took my DGD abroad for ten days recently, and had with me a notarised letter from her parents, but nobody at either border in either direction asked to see it though we don't even have the same surname and there is little family resemblance between us.

It’s more to stop him leaving the country without the ops permission, which happens all the time. Plus having the childrens ID makes it easier for him to apply for other things against the ops permission. Regardless of what the laws says in regards to needing the other parents consent, things like this happen regularly whether consent is given or not. There was a thread either yesterday or the day before where the children’s father absconded with them and flew them to South Africa. Going by the laws of that country it’s very unlikely the op will ever see her children again. One of the first pieces of advice you’re given when fleeing an abusive partner/parent is make sure you bring all of these sorts of documents with you.

This. Use this as your opportunity to escape once and for all Tell the truth about your injuries

How long till you can actually leave? The risk is he might try and get new ones saying the old ones are lost.. only so long you can stall that. I'd just feign ignorance if you've not got long to go before you can leave the house. But if you are looking at months you might need a different plan..

Don't go back. He's probably suspicious of you now the passports are missing. Ring woman's aid, get your kids and go. Get a restraining order.

@Peachy2005@Echobelly It’s definitely a requirement of some countries that you need to provide passport information upfront for accommodation. One example is for private rentals (eg villas, airbnb, holiday lets) in many European countries, Spain being one of them. If you stay in a hotel they do this for you at check in, for anything else though it needs to be provided up front. I’ve just had to do this myself (villa rental for summer holiday). It’s dependant on local laws in each country.

Ask the nurse to bring that copper who's always in the hospital to speak with you. They can and organise emergency accommodation and collect your stuff and children.

You are already in a safe space.

Take care x

@Single123

I don't quite get why you need the passports.

You can't leave the country with your kids without his permission (i presume you're not going to), as that'd be the best way of losing custody/residency.

How can you seriously not understand why a person with children in danger from their partner and planning to leave would need passports?

Lots of reasons - he could take them either to remove children from whichever country they are in or for the power that holding identity documents from someone gives. We don't know where OP is in relation to her nationality. She could be in a foreign jurisdiction and want to return home to her parents/family/place of birth with her children. & lets face it if its a question of getting away and out to a safe place or be murdered, leaving a country without "his permission" could be the best thing to do. And it doesn't follow "that's the best way of losing custody/residencey" because that entirely depends on the factual situation and the laws of both countries involved.

More importantly, if OP is in danger such that she wants to leave and re-start a life a fresh in safety, she will need passports to open a bank account, rent a place, get utility bills and so on.

In general terms if you are dealing with an abusive violent and controlling person and you plan to leave, you need to get everything you need (bank cards, drivers licence, other identity documents like birth certificates, passports, any utility bills or bank statements or documents in your own name that places need to establish who you are ) out of the house because these documents can be held to ransom and make it a 100 times more difficult to establish yourself in a place of safety.

OP has done really well to have done that already.

Some airlines do checkin months in advance