Emotional affair or nothing?

[Lala727]

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

I bet one of the significant changes was he got another phone.

So sorry op
You have solid proof now
This is an affair , no doubts about it .
What an utter callous arsehole to conduct it in plain sight too .
Keep calm and get your 'ducks in a row' as they say .

This is an affair.

He is cheating on you. I’m so SO sorry.

Self care first. I get you’re not going to tell him while you process all of this but you do need to consider how to protect your interests.

What is your plan moving forward?

Sorry to hear your update OP but not surprised if I’m honest. He was cheating in plain sight and now you have proof.

Don't rush into anything but please get your ducks in a row ready to kick him into touch. Your relationship is over - he needs to go.

I'm so sorry your going through this OP just read through all your updates. As others have said and you have now found out from the whatsapp messages definitely emotional affair. He has almost made you question your own sanity. I note the point where you said I can't say dont see her on your birthday or won't I be controlling? He is acting like she's a good friend and telling you what he wants you to hear about her so the minute you question him you will be controlling, unreasonable, having trust issues etc when he knows he is guilty of this - gaslighting. Get your ducks in order. You deserve more than this and will find better for you and your child. I hope you have good friends to support you around you.

oh OP, I feel so sorry for you - you sound so sweet and trusting. But why you think so little of yourself? Why are you allowing him to treat you like a door mat?! It was very obvious from you first posts this is an affair, and the more you wrote the more ridiculous it sounded. The guy lost all kinds of boundaries, as, I would imaging, he gradually realised he has absolutely no need to hide this from you or present any sort of decorum. Maybe he think you are ok with this? Seriously, stop being a mug.

I'm not being a mug. You called me sweet and trusting, please dont kick me further when im already down

OP you do what you need to do in the timeline that is right for you. That's all. ❤️

Oh heck OP. Stay strong.

He’s a cheating cunt. Time to take control @Lala727. Kick him out. Take away the choices he seems to think he has.

ODFO

It's not your fault OP.

I feel like men who do this, the women in their lives are just supporting 'actors' - it's probably not personal to you or even to the other woman.

He could leave, if he wanted to OP. The reason he hasn't is he's just a user.

You deserve better but I appreciate everything takes time to work though.

Take care of yourself.

Well I think he's having an emotional affair. You need to tell him you know. This might be the end of things, I'm sorry to say 😔

Gosh, I'm so sorry. You seem like such a lovely person, he doesn't deserve you.

Utterly unnecessary. OP has only just confirmed her worst fears. She will be in shock and trying hard to process, infidelity is a traumatic experience. Your victim blaming and calling her a mug is awful.

@Lala727 ignore this. You are absolutely not to blame for his gaslighting and manipulation!

I'm sorry for being a bit harsh, I did not want to offend or "kick" you - but your posts are very hard to read. I have no idea what your upbringing was like - so no idea why you tolerated this for so long - but please, understand that you should not allow yourself to be treated like this, your partner should not have special female "fiends", he should not be messaging her non stop, he should not treat her as some sort of a second wife!! You deserve so much more. I'm just angry at this situation and at your partner, not at you. Big hug and sorry again.

Thank you. We are over, its just me needing to work out how and when. I don't think Im even going to tell him I know

Just remember you deserve to be treated with love, care and respect, and you should not feel stressed or unhappy because of your partner's actions. I used to be like you - I was brought up to be a people-pleaser - and I'm angry at myself for allowing men to treat me badly in the past. I really feel for you and want you to be happy. x

I’m very sorry for your pain, @Lala727. You know the score now. He’s been having an affair for years while conning you with his ‘we’re just good friends’ bullshit and carrying it on in your face. What utter contempt he has been serving up to you and your child.

Get your affairs in order but don’t let things drag on for too long before you take action. Doing so will destroy your emotional health. He’s an entitled, faithless piece of work, and you deserve much better than being a pawn in his game.

Are you considering not confronting him with his infidelity because you don’t want to hear his manipulations?

I just think whats the point. He either denies it or he admits it, either way has the same result?

@Lala727

I just think whats the point. He either denies it or he admits it, either way has the same result?

Do you actually have evidence that he is having an affair?

Aren’t the whatsapp messages sufficient? Whether or not anything physical has actually happened, the level of intimacy OP has alluded to within those messages would be plenty enough for me and most people to call it a day. As OP says, even without bothering to give him any opportunity to come up with shitty pathetic excuses to justify his behaviour. What would be the point? Nope, I’d be out too. Sending you and your DC my best OP.

@Inaspot21

And what were the content of the WhatsApp messages?

To be honest I would be wary of people like you, encouraging women to end their relationships without hard evidence, I see a lot of this going on on Mumsnet

I cant believe some people are trying to justify this man's behaviour. Does it matter if he is sleeping with the OW or not? His behaviour is appalling, he is disrespectful to OP and is clearly attached himself to someone else. You can't have a monogamous relationship where you are so heavily invested in another person. And I haven't seen any indication this is anything other than a monogamous relationship. OP's partner is using the fact OP is sweet, naïve and trusting and is quite openly having an inappropriate relationship with another woman - and, tbh, the nature of this relationship is not important: it simply should not exist in the first place.