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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair or nothing?

232 replies

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:04

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

OP posts:
Inaspot21 · 28/01/2024 22:26

BlueGrey1 · 28/01/2024 22:20

@Inaspot21

And what were the content of the WhatsApp messages?

To be honest I would be wary of people like you, encouraging women to end their relationships without hard evidence, I see a lot of this going on on Mumsnet

@BlueGrey1
OP’s own post

‘… Lots of deleted messages that seem to have been pictures and one message inbetween that was sexual. What shocked me the most was one saying that he would be with her if it wasn't for our child but he cant leave them. He wont get a choice in that now

Im not going to say I know or I've seen the messages’

ChangeAgain2 · 28/01/2024 22:41

I think 100 messages a day is excessive. He could be investing his time into your relationship or his relationship with his children.

My best mates a man. I don't text him 100 times a year. I wouldn't intrude like that.

I wouldn't be happy with this. He is too invested in a relationship with singing else.

MsDogLady · 28/01/2024 23:34

Lala727 · 28/01/2024 21:10

I just think whats the point. He either denies it or he admits it, either way has the same result?

Yes, I understand. For me, it would be game over no matter what spewed out of his untrustworthy mouth. He’s not the man you thought he was.

Bookworm20 · 29/01/2024 09:46

Oh no, OP. I am so sorry to hear this update. Was hoping he was just being a bit pathetic enjoying the attention, but seems he is in fact a class A dickhead.

Messages are not deleted for no reason and the comment about your child - he is spinning it to her like that so she thinks your relationship is pretty much over and he is just there for the child. I'll bet my life he has told her you are more like 'room mates'. Isn't that the line they use?

What a piece of shit. You sound so lovely. Look after you and do what you need to do. He no longer has a choice in the matter and doesn't get to choose or even voice an opinion what happens next.

When you've booted him from your life, make sure she knows you were NOT over and that he was playing you both. As angry as you are likely right now with her, that one line about staying for your DC likely means she has no clue you are very much still in a relationship.

What the hell is wrong with these men?

solice84 · 29/01/2024 09:54

He reminds of some 18th century aristocrat who doesn't think he needs to keep his mistress a secret from his wife
I honestly can't get over the brass neck of this prick
Flaunting his affair in plain sight , taking her out for a date on his birthday ffs

Original poster
Lala727 · 29/01/2024 09:57

Bookworm20 · 29/01/2024 09:46

Oh no, OP. I am so sorry to hear this update. Was hoping he was just being a bit pathetic enjoying the attention, but seems he is in fact a class A dickhead.

Messages are not deleted for no reason and the comment about your child - he is spinning it to her like that so she thinks your relationship is pretty much over and he is just there for the child. I'll bet my life he has told her you are more like 'room mates'. Isn't that the line they use?

What a piece of shit. You sound so lovely. Look after you and do what you need to do. He no longer has a choice in the matter and doesn't get to choose or even voice an opinion what happens next.

When you've booted him from your life, make sure she knows you were NOT over and that he was playing you both. As angry as you are likely right now with her, that one line about staying for your DC likely means she has no clue you are very much still in a relationship.

What the hell is wrong with these men?

Your roommates comment struck me. We havent slept together since our child was born accept for once or twice in the same bed. I thought he was OK with it but obviously

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 29/01/2024 10:13

Sorry OP. Its just a line loads of them use to explain to their affair partner why they are still living with their partner - so the new woman thinks their existing relationship is over, when it really isn't. I think its the only way they can explain not being 'single'.
However, they fail to impart this information to their actual partner who has no bloody idea their relationship is so apparently over. because, well, it isn't!
Its simply a way for them to have their cake and eat it. While the women think everything is hunky dory.
Boils my blood.

Bookworm20 · 29/01/2024 10:19

If you are unfamiliar with 'the script' you should probably read it.
Because if you do tell him what you know, he will likely start quoting from it and following that behaviour.
Be prepared for the denial, the gaslighting, then the drip feed of only the bits of information he thinks he can get away with, then the anger towards you not believing his story, then the tears, then the begging you for forgiveness, then his 'mental breakdown - ie he wants to die, can't live without you', then the excuses, then the coldness, then the blaming you, then the rewriting of your entire relationship history. It could get truly awful what come out of their mouths when the reality of their actions come crashing down around them.

New2024 · 29/01/2024 10:21

Don’t think it would bother me. I have lots of male friends purely because I’m not a girly girl. One in particular is a great help at work when the bitchiness in our office gets a bit much. Between us we can rise above it/ignore it but separately we both feel the same frustrations

Sotired22 · 29/01/2024 10:23

@Lala727 do you mean you haven’t had sex since your child was born or you jus don’t sleep in the same bed? How old is your child? I’m not excusing his behaviour at all but it doesn’t really sound like your relationship has been going well, did you still feel like you were happy together?

Original poster
Lala727 · 29/01/2024 10:58

Haven't had sex and not always in the same bed. I did feel we were happy enough, child is a toddler

OP posts:
Sotired22 · 29/01/2024 13:07

Has he never raised it as an issue? It’s common after a baby but I’d be surprised if most men were happy enough with zero sex for a long time. I don’t mean that’s your fault at all because he should be talking to you about it but it sounds like you’ve become more like friends and he’s checked out? Either way I think it’s best you end the relationship and try to move forward in a civil way for the sake of your child.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 29/01/2024 13:17

OP he has not mentioned lack of sex with you as he has interests elsewhere.

On the flip side it’s very naive to think a relationship can sustain no intamicy and sleeping in separate beds .

This relationship is over I hope you can find the strength to move on and be strong for your little one .

RosieAway · 29/01/2024 13:26

I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s naive to think no sex after a baby won’t sustain a relationship. Smacks of pressuring women to keep up with sex when exhausted etc to keep their men! Every single relationship is different and I know so many people who did this and had separate beds since pregnancy and well into the toddlerhood of their children. It’s absolutely no excuse for him, and he probably didn’t imitate anything as he was interested in this other woman.

OP I’m sorry. This must be so hard when you have a little one. You are doing the right thing and you are in no way to blame

Bookworm20 · 29/01/2024 14:54

If he had a problem with any aspect of the relationship then he could have brought it up and discussed it.
There is no reason, no excuse, no justification whatsoever for lying to and cheating on your partner, on the mother of your child.
None.
None of this is your fault OP.
He made a decision.
He decided you didn't need to know about that decision.
None of that is OK.

ItsBeenRaining · 29/01/2024 17:15

How long has he known this ow, and how long have they been messaging, you said he took her out for dinner last year on his birthday so does it pre date that?

It's all very odd and you sound strangely dissasociated and not at all angry with him. What he's doing is very unpleasant, dehumanising you as though you don't exist but I will say if he hasn't gone by now he doesn't sound too bothered about this ow, other than an ego boost.

For her to be continually on the perifery of your relationship, trying to insert herself into his life makes her appear very sad and desperate. Accepting crumbs which must make him feel omnipotent within this triangle.

I'm glad you've said it's over.
Let him go, send him to the scroats and cheater's world.

Original poster
Lala727 · 29/01/2024 18:36

As other pp have said, who knows what he told her. I dont really care about her, just him. She couldnt have come between us unless he wanted her to

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 29/01/2024 19:00

Can you afford to leave him, where would you live etc

MsDogLady · 29/01/2024 19:32

He met her a few months after our child was born and she’s been a fixture ever since.

When they first met he talked about her a lot and I said I didn’t like it and wanted to meet her which I eventually did. My brother was there at the time and said he looked at her glowy eyed…and I told him he’d assured me they are friends only…

So shortly after the baby came, his head turned toward OW and their affair commenced. He dismissed your discomfort and proceeded with his pursuit of her. Even your brother was concerned.

He never addressed the resumption of your sex life because he was already involved with OW.

@Lala727, you nor any marital issues are responsible for his decision to cheat. He is responsible for devaluing his family and failing to protect his fidelity. He saw the opportunity to pursue illicit thrills with OW and ran with it, quite openly, under the pretense of friendship.

Fannyfiggs · 29/01/2024 21:14

Lala727 · 28/01/2024 09:23

I still havent said anything but I borrowed an old laptop of his to do some work on and saw whatsapp was still linked so I looked. Im still not done reading as there was so much but I screenshot everything to look at when I am on my own. Lots of deleted messages that seem to have been pictures and one message inbetween that was sexual. What shocked me the most was one saying that he would be with her if it wasn't for our child but he cant leave them. He wont get a choice in that now

Im not going to say I know or I've seen the messages

I'm so sorry to read your update. You must be so hurt.

Please gather every ounce of strength you have to leave this man. You deserve so much more. You deserve a partner who loves you, supports you, prioritises you and is your biggest cheerleader. Not someone who spends all his time talking to another woman and just going through the motions with you.

I wish you all the strength to get through this. You will feel so much better when it's just you and your DC without worrying about what your 'D'P is doing ❤️

Original poster
Lala727 · 30/01/2024 14:28

Thank you. I had some time alone to go through some of the screenshots. It doesnt seem to be just a sexual thing, there's lots of messages which sound normal conversation, both exchanging supportive messages, they have met for 15 minutes on one occasion just to see each other during a quick work break so I can't imagine if you would do that just to see someone that its nothing. Im still not finished either but dont know if I even want to read more

OP posts:
ItsBeenRaining · 30/01/2024 16:05

they have met for 15 minutes on one occasion just to see each other
during a quick work break so I can't imagine if you would do that just
to see someone that its nothing.

Was there an explanation for this meet up ?

Original poster
Lala727 · 30/01/2024 16:20

In the messages? It read that he was in meetings all day but could get away for a quick break to eat with her

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 30/01/2024 19:03

That must be so heart breaking to read those messages although I would probably be a mix of both heart broken and absolutely stark raving mad.

Try and take care of your mental well being during this time

Original poster
Lala727 · 30/01/2024 19:18

Thank you. Its more surreal than anything else. If he leaves work to spend 15 minutes with her theres no hope for us even if I did want it is there?

OP posts:
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