DH semi retired - finances/cycling

[User916]

DH is mid-sixties, self employed. Spends a lot of time cycling. He could work more but doesn’t want to. I am still working, likely to keep going for another 10 yrs! Have one DC at uni, mortgage etc still to pay off in next few years. We are comfortably off but will need to save and cut back a bit to ensure we pay off the mortgage in next four years and support DC. If he worked more, we could spend more - more/nicer holidays, new sofa, etc. We’ve always just spent what we earned but now we’ll need to reduce that a bit and save.

is it unreasonable to expect him to do more work? For context, he can earn in a month what takes me six months. I am working full time, he is cycling, having lunch with friends, and following his interests. He is also planning nice cycling holidays (these don’t interest me). We probably share equally household chores, but he has a lot more spare time. We argue over who walks the dog as I am working, he is cycling.

i don’t know if it is the cycling or the fact that I can see we need to save more on our current level of income that is more annoying - am I being selfish?

I don’t see that the higher earning power is relevant - whatever a partner earned I wouldn’t expect them to retire or even semi retire until the mortgage was paid off between us.

Men often outearn women must because of gender pay disparity and because women take time out of the workplace when they have kids.

I fully intend to cut my working hours right down when I am 60 , so I get why he wants to work less when he is mid sixties. I don’t think he should be expected to continue working full time until you can retire as well because that means he will be working until he’s aged 70, probably older. I assume you won’t be doing this yourself? The ten year age gap was inevitably going to cause a disparity as the retirement years approached- he was always going to reach that point long before you. He is still contributing 50% towards the household finances as well , so I do not think he is being unreasonable at all. For context, my dp is four years older and if he wants to go very part time ( or even retire completely) at 60, I will continue to work full time until I reach that age too ( assuming nothing happens to alter our financial situation). I think you’re being hard on him. But totally agree he should walk the dog and take on a greater percentage of the household tasks. He has more time.

OP maybe you need to come to terms with making peace with the current situation AS it is, rather than what you'd like it to be?

There's been joint decisions that haven't panned out well, but you can't change the past.

You need to forgive both of you and move on, if you want to stay together.

(Offhand, I can think of a large amount of easy money I could have gained through better decisions over the last few years...I am cringing at the thought tbh - but it is what it is and I have to live with it and improve myself from "today".

And I'm definitely not rich so that's not said flippantly!)

Being resentful of your husband isn't going to make him do anything...and even if everyone on here said you were right, what would that achieve?

You can either divorce him or stay and try to make life more bearable.

If you want to stay at work, you have £6000 a month so surely that can pay for dogwalkers and posh ready meals and a cleaner.

You can get a service wash for your laundry. That's already some time you've got back.

If you want to reduce your own hours and work it in with pension planning, then name change and start a post somewhere and see if people can help you find a solution.

I don't think anyone is saying that people in their mid-sixties should ease back, just that it's perfectly reasonable for him to choose to do so. It sounds as if he's already at his retirement age and is still working much more than many people do at that stage. Presumably he feels he's got the right balance and enough money to support the life he wants at this stage and that sounds fairly understanable from what you've written.

The problem here seems to be communication and planning. It's odd that he's taken this major decision without (it seems) the two of you having a mutual plan for this stage of your life and how the finances will work. E.g. there might be some very good financial reasons for keeping the mortgage, such as paying it off tax-efficiently when you access your pension, but it sounds as if you've not planned that together.

I would say you need to have a good conversation about what you both want at this stage of life and come to some decisions together. But you need to go into that conversation accepting that it's not unreasonable for him to want to prioritise time and freedom rather than earnings.

Screwed himself over or had free housekeeper/nanny/cook/handyman for 25 years learning him free to focus on his career?

@User916 I think there is a shared understanding that unpaid work - housework, the care of the old and the young - is work. I think he grew up in an era where there was an idea that intelligent progressive people shouldn't be stuck in roles according to sex/gender. When he first retired he was less good at seeing what needed doing, but I think this has improved - he is now more likely to do hoovering/tidying etc spontaneously There's also a sense of taking turns, 1) that our joint finances were better when I enabled him to do a high earning job - and 2) that now, even though the work I do is less well paid it makes us better off, so it is his job to make it easier for me to do it. There isn't a particular sense of me having to catch up with 'my' chores on the days when I'm not out doing paid work.

I'm not saying it works perfectly, more that it took us both a bit of time to adjust when he retired, and we've got to something that seems fair and which runs fairly smoothly.

I do find MN posters tend to think of 60s as older than they are.

I know many people working FT in their 60s from choice and many people who continued working in some capacity into their 70s. It’s important to keep using your brain as well as keeping active physically. In fact the people who stop work completely earlier are often the ones who deteriorate fastest.

I absolutely don’t buy into the working longer narrative. I retired in my late 40s as I prefer quality of life over pure income generation. My partner still works but that’s their choice. I did plan to pay my mortgage off before retirement but I could have afforded the payments if I didn’t. I think your main issue is how your DH is spending his time rather than his lack of earnings.

The energy both my parents had mid 50s was light years ahead of what they had mid 60s. My Dad, especially - he was always a really active and healthy man. Still was in his mid 60s but got tired much more quickly and it suddenly became noticeable about then.

TBH, retiring mid sixties is not unreasonable. Being asked to carry on working because your spouse still wants to buy nice things, not so much.

The mortgage does need a grown up conversation though.

But surely you got the benefit of a nicer lifestyle, nicer home (now more valuable, presumably) when he was earning? And can you genuinely not increase your earning potential? Or are you in the habit of assuming he should take on the responsibility of being top earner for ever. It sounds to me like you'd like to earn more, have that economic power and freedom. Focus on building your career now, increase your earning potential. Your DC is at uni. You can. You don't have to rely on him. Let him have his free time in his sixties. But he should walk the dog!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with working in some capacity into your 70’s at all, if it is something you want to do and it keeps you active. But for others, it is their time- to take more holidays, try new hobbies, be spontaneous and just be free of the constraints working places on you. I definitely plan to be the latter of the two.

He is still working but working part time. Plenty of people work part time while having a mortgage.

The OP can start to plan her own winding down from full time work as well - she would probably be able to access part of her pension at 60 and work part time (assuming she's been in a public sector pension scheme for her whole career).

Your husband had already worked for around 10 years when you started working. Unless you marry someone the same age, one retiring before the other is what happens. You just have a bigger age gap than in most relationships so you have longer to notice it.

Well you can combine all that - some paid work - for some in new areas, hobbies, travel, leisure etc.

What a surprising number of people do is retire completely - then get very bored and lose a sense of who they are. Some find that no work at all loses its appeal quickly.

OP’s DH has a reasonable balance of work and leisure, but he’s got an entitled male attitude to domestic work and the dog.

I retired early, if he is mid 60s, on average he hasn't got long before he will have issues which will curtail cycling holidays etc.

I do some long distance european cycling events, you get loads of entrants in the 50s, around 50% less in the 60s and very few above 70, fitness drops off rapidly as you approach 70 plus.

Exceptions of course but thats why they are exceptions.

I have to say, i think its a bit mean of you expecting him to go back to work but maybe there is a compromise and he could do a day here or there, perhaps in the Winter Autumn when weather is worse for out door cycling.

oh and he should take his pension, no one knows how long they've got, my Mum deferred hers, she died shortly after taking the extra amount.

I think you shoudl have the same amount of free time. When you worked part time you did more around the house than he did. He is now part time so ought to do more around the house than you do. You should both have same free time, then you wont feel so hard done by.
As his earning potential is much higher, suggest if he does a little more work you can drop a few days work, then you can do more around house, and give him more time back for cycling.
Also if you are working full time for money for Uni, then he ought to take his pension now to reduce your need to work so many days.

People who want to combine will and those who don’t want too, won’t. I can’t think of anything worse than having to work in my 70’s but that’s my personal opinion.

So he has taken a unilateral decision in reducing work because he has a better life quality wo discussing with you the impact it would have in YOUR quality if life really.

In practice, he is working part time and you’re working full time but he still doesn’t do more. Why??

He has nice holidays cycling, spend time in his hobby etc… so has plenty of time and money for himself but somehow you are the one who has to spend less/worries about the impact re paying the mortgage….

He decided where the money would be spent (him working less, his own leisure/pleasure) but wo agreeing with you first about what’s important
Eg how much do we want to support dc? How do we pay the mortgage etc….

I don’t think it’s ok.

He made a choice when he ended up with commitment such a dc at Uni or a mortgage when past retirement age. That was his choice then. I don’t think it’s ok fir him to simply pass on the responsibility to the OP because it suits him.

He might be retirement age but stopping work and deferring your pension are still things you should discuss as a couple, agree on what might need to be cut back etc…

im not surpised you’re annoyed @User916

I’m not talking about having to work but choosing to work. Some retired people like to keep their brains ticking over, like helping other people, enjoy the work, enjoy the contact with other people and the extra money. If people have built up intellectual expertise, developed a talent or knowledge base - they may enjoy sharing it with others.

Working when you choose is very different to having to get out of bed every morning whether you like it or not.

@JustExistingNotLiving Agreed.

OP’s husband sounds like someone who is on wind down, he’s dropped hours now and will probably retire completely once the mortgage is paid and dc is through university. So not one of the people who will choose to work into his 70’s.

Surely a fairer comparison is that he should have the same lifestyle now that op will be able to babe when she reaches his age?

I've always known DH will retire before me, but then the fact he is older meant he had got on the housing ladder sooner than me and we both benefited from that.

So theres about a 10 year age difference?
I am 4 years older than my DH. I am semi retired and my earned income is equal to his. I had worked for 43 years when I retired. DH had worked for a total of 34 years at that point as he had periods of unemployment and time spent travelling when he was younger. I could, if I wanted, continue to work full time but I’m knackered, worked since 16, worked through Uni whilst raising a young baby (DD1), had minimal maternity leave (12 weeks) from DD2 so I feel like I’m more than ready to retire. DH is fully supportive of this and actually gets annoyed when I volunteer to do an extra day (paid) every so often at work. I do take on most of the household jobs now, but I’m not his housekeeper and he still does his share.

I dont agree. I am older than DH and don't expect to retire while he works. We do things as a team, regardless of the age difference.

The only real age issue is that the younger partner may end up caring for the older partner in future years, meaning even more reason to retire/go part time as a team.

Each couple will have different views and has to go with what works for them, but clearly the current set up isn't working for OP. And it wouldn't make me happy either, for the same reasons. Esp if I had to work all day then walk the dog while DH had been out cycling all day.

I work a lot more hours than my DH and it is a bit galling sometimes that he is able to do a lot of sport and watch a lot of TV when I have no downtime, but that is not due to him choosing to go part time, it's to do with the nature of my work. We are both hoping I can cut my hours so we can both have time for hobbies and down time. We will have less money but it will make life nicer for both of us if we can both feel a little more relaxed. I think that it will be the same of OP, if there can be a little more parity in downtime, regardless of who earns what.

Just because the government sets an arbitrary age of retirement does that mean everyone has to work to that age?
Bizarre argument.
Mid sixties is long enough to be working supporting a family.
Time for the op to row for a while. If she wants a better couch I suggests she volunteers for overtime.

I was responding to your comment about not wanting to work yourself. I don’t think we can know want DH will do, he may continue working PT for as long as he enjoys it.