DH semi retired - finances/cycling

[User916]

DH is mid-sixties, self employed. Spends a lot of time cycling. He could work more but doesn’t want to. I am still working, likely to keep going for another 10 yrs! Have one DC at uni, mortgage etc still to pay off in next few years. We are comfortably off but will need to save and cut back a bit to ensure we pay off the mortgage in next four years and support DC. If he worked more, we could spend more - more/nicer holidays, new sofa, etc. We’ve always just spent what we earned but now we’ll need to reduce that a bit and save.

is it unreasonable to expect him to do more work? For context, he can earn in a month what takes me six months. I am working full time, he is cycling, having lunch with friends, and following his interests. He is also planning nice cycling holidays (these don’t interest me). We probably share equally household chores, but he has a lot more spare time. We argue over who walks the dog as I am working, he is cycling.

i don’t know if it is the cycling or the fact that I can see we need to save more on our current level of income that is more annoying - am I being selfish?

Well, stop cooking for him. But also look into cutting your hours and claiming part of your pension (and the lump sum) in the next few years. Then you're both part time, household income the same as now but a lump sum could buy you a new sofa and a holiday.

My dh has basically retired as he is older than me

But we did talk about it, worked out the sums, planned for me to retire also

And he does the cooking and cleaning and life admin as part of the deal

No disrespect to you or your kids but you don't need to keep running a large home just in case your children come back.

They are adults now, they have to stand on their own two feet.

My parents divorced when I was at uni, I funded myself through my degree and then continued to live independently afterwards. It's perfectly normal and doable.

It's not really fair to expect someone of pension age to be working long hours to subsidise young people who are perfectly capable of supporting themselves.

You need to toughen up a bit OP. If you work until you’re 65, you'll then likely be a carer of a 75 year old. When will you have your time? New sofas and swish trips won’t make up for that.

You’re not listening around the domestic load ~ just stop doing it. I’d be having a cheese sandwich before I’d cook every night for a man who was ‘too tired’ after cycling. I’d not be doing his washing either. As for the dog ~ set the alarm earlier and he can do it before he goes out.

If you’re determined not to downsize for your DC’s benefit, then they become part of the equation ~ walking dog, paying rent, doing chores when they return. Not instead of your DH but as well as.

But seriously you don’t say anything you like about DH, you just seem to resent him. Is this a relationship you want to stay in or is his extra free time just showing up the holes that were already there?

It is
Pay off mortgage quickly while you are working FT, then go PT.

Yes, you are being a bit unreasonable here (yes, I'm aware this isn't AIBU, but not sure you are being 'selfish').
If you marry someone 10 years older than yourself, it is to be expected that they will retire 10 years before you. I'm not sure why you think he ought to do an extra 7 or so years working full time, because you (as a couple) haven't thought much in advance about financial planning for retirement.
Presumably, he also had the option to stop working altogether, but you could look at it that he is still having to work part time when he would perhaps prefer to be fully retired.
It sounds as if you are managing financially, and that the cycling is a bit of a red herring. Obviously he should pull his weight at home, as all adults should throughout their lives, but I think you are being unfair in expecting him to work full time until he is nearly 70 to allow you to retire far earlier than him.

Well I understand your view better if you're coming home to no dinner, dog walking and a DH whose tired out from enjoying himself!
You just need to talk properly about this with him Op, point out the unfairness of him thinking all his free time is now his own.

Does your DC actually want to come back and live with you after uni?

I moved house while one was in third year and one second and I moved to a cheaper area because I wanted them to keep a bedroom each at the new place, have one for me and one for my mum when she visits.

Neither of my kids want to live with me - they have independent lives now and while they came back for Christmas and pop in for the odd weekend they have made clear they want to live with friends their own age in busy cities that have things to do.

I could have bought a much cheaper house!

Cycling is a red herring? That’s literally the reason he is not pulling his weight domestically or walking the dog.

Once they have kids you’ll be glad of your decision. Many parents downsize and then find they have no room to squeeze in kids and gc for a stay.

I'd just start being too tired to cook. After a few weeks of toast he might suddenly summon up the energy to cook.

I think he should be doing his share (50%) of the housework and walking the dog. But he's also quite right to retire before you do and shouldn't have to feel guilty about that. It sounds like you benefited from his high income all these years and that it was a joint failure to save more

I’d expect the semi-retired person to do more than 50%. 50:50 is what you do when both are working FT.

I’ll bet OP did more than that when she was caring for the kids.

Cycling is not a job. He still has responsibilities and he seems to keep money fir himself for holidays as well

thanks for all the replies. Interesting that everyone thinks in your mid-sixties you should ease back - not sure how that fits with the expectation of everyone working longer. Also interesting that pp think given he's always had higher earning power it's not unreasonable for him to drop back down to a fifty-fifty ratio - for those who have high earning partners I don't know if that's a normal assumption (my sister is a SAHM and would be stuffed if her partner took that attitude). So - Mumsnet consensus seems to be I shouldn't be expecting him to work more.

the housework thing - if you are not working then it is much easier to do what looks like fifty-fifty - he can empty the dishwasher in the morning and wash his cycling gear etc (I don't trust him to wash my clothes to be honest so I always do my own). I then end up spending my free time doing 'my' chores. I suspect he thinks he's doing more than his fair share!

I think as retirement age is now 67 most people hope to reduce their hours early to mid sixties if not taking early retirement.
Can you ask him to do the mid week cooking when you are at work, the dishwasher and clean the kitchen at tea time so when you come home there is just food to eat ready and put plate in dishwasher have a bath etc and to feed and walk the dog on all your work days

Well if your sister is planning to be a SAHM forever that is unreasonable. Why should her husband take all the financial responsibility in perpetuity beyond the point that there’s a need for her to be at home with small children?

Him to feed and walk the dog on your work days that is

I'm in a relationship with a similar age gap and my partner is retired. The shared assumption is that on the days when I'm working he does all the household stuff - cooking, shopping, laundry, any necessary errands.

With money, we've talked about him having been a higher earner than me. There's a shared understanding that his higher earnings are partly because I helped with looking after my stepchildren and elderly father in law, as well as our joint child - while doing flexible/part-time work/some self-employed stuff. So there is no clear distinction between 'his' money and 'my' money. I also get that he's knackered after years of a very demanding job. We can live happily enough on his pension and my lowish earnings.

Sister is definitely a SAHM for perpetuity - no chance of her going to work now after 25yrs out of the workforce. I don't think it is an unusual assumption that all the higher earning partner's money is "joint" money in some way and that their earnings are supporting a joint expectation of a certain standard of living (not saying it is fair).

@AnnaSewell is there an explicit agreement that your partner is actually doing more (or are you expected to do more at the weekend).

But he is retirement age. DH and I will have this as I am eight years younger than him, but we know that and expect him to retire and cut back earlier than me.
He is state pension age, he can continue to service the mortgage on his income (presumably the reason he hasn't retired fully) and he is enjoying the leisure time he has worked so hard for all these years.
I really don't understand your issues - of course he should be cutting back if he is at retirement age and of course you will still work full time because you are significantly younger and not at retirement age (unless you had planned for this financially in advance by build urn up savings so you could retire early, which you have not done).

I think it’s perfectly natural but unreasonable to feel like this
I ‘d be jealous and envious of partner not working as much and I’m still full time

but that’s life it’ll be my turn one day
dig deep and suck it up

Sounds like the husband has screwed himself over really as there’s no way, if I was him, I’d have agreed to sign up to supporting another adult forever. I’m the higher earner in my relationship but like your husband I’m self employed and choose to work less (and I’m nowhere near retirement age I just don’t like working!) if my partner had complaints about our finances I’d tell him he’s welcome to look for higher paid work. In fact he is doing just that at the moment because I told him I was fed up of being the one to front all the big expenses.

I dont know anyone who expects their high earning partner to keep working to maintain their standard of living.

It’s not just unfair. It’s awful. Of course money should be joint, but expecting the earning person to keep working because the one that earns less or nothing, is ridiculous.

You haven't given exact ages but said he is mid sixties and that you are mid to late 50s. You've also said you expect to work another 10 years. So that ends up you both roughly retire at the same age. So not sure why you expect him to carry on working.