Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

Yes, I wouldn't do it unless I wasn't going to have contact with anyone, e.g. sit in my office all day and work, in which case why go into the office.

Sounds like a shit situation for you OP as regardless of whether is cheating or doing anything untoward, the bottom line is you don't trust him.

In other instances I'd feel sorry for the partner if they were being wrongly suspected/accused, however, in this situation it sounds like karma from his previous cheating biting him in the arse.....and it's just what he deserves.

I wonder if you'd even have trust issues in the 1st place is you didn't have these doubts about his loyalty and integrity at the back of your mind

Could you maybe turn up at his work one lunch time as a surprise? Say you fancied lunch at a cafe or something nearby and you are outside.. you said he usually messages back around 12? See what he does.. if he makes an excuse or seems angry then he’s likely not at work?

Yes, this is definitely the most possible of all the options and it would at least confirm if he was there. He could still get out of it though as he could say he's in a meeting and can't pop out until I've left. I guess if he is determined to lie then he'll find a way.

Fgs… @winterrabbit just ask him - look you are being secretive and evasive about these Friday mornings. Your behaviour with the sex no showering and changing the conversation when I ask about it is all adding to a scenario I’m not happy with and it’s impacting our relationshop
and trust. It’s triggering old hurts and I’d like us to have an open conversation about what it is you are doing.

if he gaslights/turns it on you etc without giving a reasonable explanation then I’d call it done and presume he’s hiding something

Ditto!😂

Just had an utterly random thought. Maybe he had a child with the long term affair and Friday morning is his contact day. Explains the phone off, the shiftiness and the occasional change of clothes.

SUMMARY

So these are the facts.

1. He goes into work most Fridays except sometimes he doesn't bother
2. He is offline during at least the morning and sometimes longer. He tells you that he is going to his research group but he also other has other meetings
3. He doesn't put on any particular nice clothes and doesn't shower before going in
4. A couple of times (but not on Fridays) he's put on a clean shirt or jumper
5. He doesn't use social media
6. He scarcely otherwise does anything

On those facts alone, I am really struggling to see anything other than he uses Fridays for socialising with colleagues and attending necessary f2f meetings.
It's certainly not screaming affair.

This is perfect.
seems OP isn’t ready to confront it though.

To be honest I would choose to end the relationship if my partner was making unreasonable requests pertaining to my professional life and career. Like hell would I let a man dictate which colleagues I could go on work trips with. I wouldn't consider it a sign of love if I did do that, I'd consider it a sign of weakness. (And it's a sign of compatibility that both DP and I would be utterly horrified if either of us made requests like that of each other.)

Based on this there are now posters speculating he has a love child. Peak batshit MN.

This is how I'd feel...obviously no concrete evidence, but why not just be a bit more specific?

Assume husband doesn't just communicate by grunts and is reasonably articulate.

And if they're intimate physically and socially the rest of the time, it's not like they're at a "passing ships in the night" relationship stage.

Like FUCK does he not know OP is uncomfortable. He KNOWS, alright.

"I need some deep thinking time on my publication, as I don't in the week"

"I have to be there as the HoD is very aggressive about non-attendance".

Or even invite OP up, a lot of people bring partners onto campus for hang out time. How hard is that?

OP is clearly a level-headed professional herseif (assume she outearns him if she''s City)

It's like he's detected OP is uncomfortable and is intentionally gaslighting her and making her doubt her judgement by obfuscating. Its plausible deniability. It creeps me out.

I've been reading biographies of Ted Hughes over the winter, and honestly that should be required reading for women wanting to learn about how abusers work. They're not all guys in string vests shouting on the street.

Obviously Hughes was an intelligent, attractive guy who could "read" people to manipulate them.

..he'd wind women up by love-bombing them so that they thought there was a great relationship there...then he'd just "disappear" having given just enough information, but also not enough?

So they'd be left looking mad and paranoid and ringing up friends and following him. It was a control mechanism.

Somehow (even without a high salary and children and needy parents) he had multiple women on the go, all of them super intelligent and attractive and often earning more money than him/providing him with home comforts.

It was because he'd beaten down their sense of "what was normal and comfortable and right" and made them think there was something wrong with them.

How many times have you taken a prepared outfit to work to change into, when apparently doing nothing other than your normal job?

Me? Never.

One one instance when we were going on a big night our after work, I took a different top to change into at the end of the day.

People don't just inexplicably change their clothes during normal working office hours.

Also a lecturer. You have been with him long enough to know actually giving lectures is only a small part of our job so the fact he goes into work when he has no lectures means nothing at all. Research is actually the largest portion of our jobs and the reason most of us get into the profession in the first place.

The fact he leaves at the same time each week really does sound like a research meeting as he said, we have them sometimes too though not as regularly as your DH but perhaps he isn’t humanities based? My DH’s field is STEM and it’s way more intense than mine.

I have a colleague who had an affair a number of years ago with a mature student. It isn’t illegal but definitely frowned upon. Harder balance with mature students because they’re so much closer in age. I wouldn’t say he’s a sleaze for having an affair with someone who was presumably a similar age to him. If he did it with a regular age student then fair enough, there’s no way any lecturer should be touching a teenager!

I’d honestly give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He cocked up in his previous, broken marriage but that doesn’t mean he will with yours.

It doesn’t sound like he’s having an affair
following him would be bonkers
at some later point ask what the Friday meeting is
many many people do not WFH on Fridays and it’s not unusual to have research meetings out of term time for example
I’ve got changed at work plenty of times and my ex who was at a university had a load of shirts in his office. Sometimes a different meeting might come up etc. I think you’re worrying too much.

@NoraZ

You don't have to believe me but he is clearly senior enough to have his own.

It's not about 'seniority' in relation to academics.

You believe what you want, end of engagement on the topic.

😂

You haven't really grasped how a forum works have you?

@winterrabbit

You can't live like this. There's a reasonable explanation(s) for his behaviour BUT you feel uncomfortable & unsure.

Regardless of what comes out, you need to talk to him. Either he can reassure you satisfactorily (which means he needs to listen to you properly) or he can't.

It's not about snooping or making allegations of an affair.

It's saying to him that you don't understand aspects of his work pattern & feel like there's arrangements that he doesn't disclose, and this makes you feel uncertain.

If he cares about you, he'll address this. You can't go on feeling like this, and your post saying you would be worried about what you'd find out is an indication - it's always better to know, however hard.

I have a spare jumper at work that I sometimes put on if I want extra layers.
I'd also take in a spare top if I had a meeting with "important people" that I could change into.

Quite a few of my male colleagues have spare shirts and ties. The tie goes on if they have a more formal meeting (normally don't wear them), and they change their shirt if they've got particularly sweaty.

OP says her DH has put on a different shirt or jumper precisely twice ever. Hardly a common thing.

Just to note regular, in person meetings do happen in universities. Some research areas will have a weekly meeting, with lunch tagged in. Weirdly, Fridays can end up being a good day for a regular meet as sometimes it’s a less busy day in a senior person’s calendar. Teaching also has to happen across the working week in unis to make the best use of space. So it’s not completely unheard of. Changing at work if you haven’t biked/run in, is a bit unusual.

I frequently change and shower at work, but only because I go straight from the gym. I might change if I have an evening function too. That isn’t particularly common though.

@winterrabbit How do you know he doesn't pick his phone up and look at the screen. If no messages then puts it back in his pocket / bag? You would only see if someone has been online (I'm assuming you're monitoring his WA?) if he actually went onto the app?

As others have said, if I was in a meeting for a few hours then I wouldn't be on my phone either. Most of the meetings I have are with senior members of staff so I don't even take my phone in with my as it would look extremely rude and unprofessional. If anyone needs me urgently then they would call my work number. I hate this new trend of everyone having to be accessible 24/7 and if not then you're doing something suspicious.

OP, I know he is getting annoyed but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell him it is causing you anxiety and that you need him to be transparent to reassure you. It's a trivial example but I've left my car keys in the ignition of the car before now (luckily it's not a fancy car and nobody's stolen it!) so now when I can't find the keys I can't complain if my husband asks if they're in the ignition/looks there himself. Your DH has cheated/you've been cheated on in the past - he should understand why you need that reassurance, frankly.
The other thing that occurred to me is that, like you, I check my phone every hour or so just to check no messages from school and so does my husband (my eldest's school usually call him for some reason!) Could you ask him to make sure he's contactable during the day so you're not carrying the load of all the school admin? It's not unreasonable 🤷🏽‍♀️

Ok, so Friday tomorrow and already worried about whether DH will go into the office. I will be even more suspicious if he does as he has only been in one morning this week and has had a cold but is now saying he feels better which I'm sure is to ease his way into going into the office tomorrow. Trying to be level headed, I don't see any other signs of an affair but am just flummoxed as to why he always goes in on Friday mornings. No point asking him about it or for reassurance as I don't think I'll get it. The only thing that is going to reassure me if him not going or offering reassurance without being coerced into it.

There's an account on Twitter/X called Fesshole.

The posts are submissions from people confessing various things anonymously.

There are a LARGE number of confessions along the lines of "my family thinks i have to travel to "city" each week/month for a day of meetings. i don't - i just go and sit in a pub all day reading/check into a hotel to watch porn/go to a gaming cafe to play dungeons and dragons. this is my way of ensuring a bit of me time".

Could be something like this joined on with an actual regular meeting that's maybe 30 mins or something?