Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

@winterrabbit I think the bottom line is can you continue just living life with these suspicions or not. If you can then you need to get on with your life and move on. If it continues to niggle you then follow some of the advice on here and be proactive.
Good luck!

I wouldn't do it but that's not true. It is, subject to certain privacy constraints, lawful to track/conduct surveillance in people in the UK. Generally it has to be in public places and not excessive to avoid running into issues such as breach of privacy/Human Rights.

I think my main issue is that Friday stands out because he generally (not always) goes into the office on Friday (inc out of term time) whereas he doesn't go in on other days and I find it odd that of all days, Friday is his day in the office. Looking back, he has mentioned the research meeting but it's not always that, sometimes he gives another reason. This week he started musing over it, using the excuse of picking up something for me (that was nowhere near his work!) as a reason to go, then going anyway. It's like he will always find a reason to go in on Friday and then when I remember, I check his status on whatsapp and see he is always offline on Friday mornings. It could be something innocent or it could be something. The EA point is irrelevant. He is 100% not going to tell me anything about it. So weird as I tried to ask him how his meeting was and he immediately changed the subject. If he is having an affair then he is being really clumsy about it. Without hard evidence, I can continue as we are but I definitely don't trust him 100% and in my mind will allow for the possibility that something is going on.

I think before you follow or snoop on someone who have to be prepared for what you might find, and I am not sure I want to know. I think there is a chance something is happening and I'm not sure I want to confront it. My ex husband cheated on me which ended our marriage and I really couldn't face going through it all again although I still rather do that than live a lie.

Problem is, he could say that I am also in the office and offline/non-contactable for hours. The only difference is that I rarely go into the office Mon or Friday and my meetings change.

What do you think is going on OP? What do your instincts tell you? I’m really sorry to hear about your ex husband.

Is it possible he's goofing off - going to play golf or snooker or dominos with a mate? Or he's learning Portuguese, ballroom dancing or crochet? Or does he have a side hustle to earn a bit of cash? Nude modelling (explains the need for sex to reduce the possibility of an inconvenient hard on) or busking in Covent Garden or drug trials? Finally, does he have a secret love child or another friend / relative that you have banned him from seeing that he's meeting up?

It doesn't scream OW if he's not showering or sprucing himself up.

I understand your concerns OP - it seems to be the secretiveness and vagueness of that particular block of time that is the problem. It’s strange how even though he is offline, he does not specifically talk about his work at that time like other partners would do. Presumably, at other times he is a lot more open about what he is doing? Or is he consistently not particularly chatty about work?

OP in the kindest possible way the fact that in your line of work people usually WFH on Fridays is totally irrelevant yet it feels like you're fixated on it. In my last job everyone worked from home on Fridays, in my current one my team likes to do a Friday office day as Fridays are quieter and they can get more done. It's not a relevant factor. As far as I can see the only reason worth any suspicion is that sometimes he mentions the research meeting yet other times says he's doing other things. That seems odd but he could still be telling the truth. Imo you need to either decide to trust him and genuinely try to, or you need to get proof of what he's doing. This suspicion ultimately will kill your relationship.

@winterrabbit

You cannot apply what goes on in your profession to his.

For example many Universities have Wednesday afternoon off lectures to allow for sport. So, if this happens in his place of work, he will never be teaching on a Wednesday afternoon (note he may have meetings or catch up on other things).

That doesn’t happen in your work, so does that mean you’re having an affair on Wednesday afternoons - No!

I think you need to see a professional to work out your issues related to your previous relationship and how this is casting doubt on your current one.

The fact that you considered snooping around his work to try and catch him out is utterly bananas.

To echo your husband - why are you so fixated on Fridays? The fact you don't go into the office on Friday is irrelevant. Everyone works differently.

Where I work (which is hybrid working) there is one large team that chooses to have team meetings on a Friday, partly because it's otherwise quiet and they have lots of space to spread out.

I am actually wondering if it's because you normally work at home on Fridays, that your husband chooses not to. Not out of any wish to avoid you, but because he likes his own space.

To my mind this is one of those moments in a marriage where you have a possibly unreasonable request, which you nevertheless have to have granted or it will damage your relationship. I think you have to ask him straight up: "I know we have discussed this and you think I am being unreasonable but I'm afraid that doesn't matter. I need you to tell me exactly what you are doing on Friday mornings, in detail, and to address every point of my worries on this. If that is something you can't do then I need to rethink our relationship."

I had one of these moments in my marriage when I had a new baby and my husband was spending too much time with a female colleague. They weren't having a relationship but they were just getting too close and I was sick of it. When he announced he was going on a work trip with her that he really did not need to go on I said, if you go on this trip, leaving me here with our baby, when you know how I feel, then I take that as you ending our relationship. He was furious for ages, but did not go. And, more importantly, did not behave 'ambiguously' again.

It's interesting that he's previously mentioned the research meeting but recently there's other reasons for the Friday thing.

OP on the one hand you say you'd rather not know but on the other you don't want to live a lie. Which is your preferred situation?

If you actually said to him - what are you doing on a Friday and where and with who? What would he say? What would he do in response?

Maybe you need to tell him that his refusal to disclose info is causing you concern.

I don't think I would rule out sex workers if I were you.
He could be getting off on the fact that he's doing it which is why he's horny that morning. He doesn't shower because he wants you to think that he couldn't possibly be seeing someone else afterwards with you on him.

Perhaps follow him
Perhaps get a PI
Perhaps have it out with him, massive row and all

But fgs do not ignore your gut feelings on this. There appears to be something amiss.

So you've previously been cheated on, and he has previously (and separately) cheated on someone. It's no wonder you're paranoid. What you now need to work out is whether that paranoia is due to your histories, or whether it's due to things which are occurring now.

I think the Friday thing is a red herring. As pp have said, it's entirely plausible that he has meetings on a Friday. Just because you don't, doesn't make it odd for him. I think there's something else scratching away at you, some other reason you think he's cheating. But again, only you can really work out whether it's because he's got form and you've been cheated on, or because of something he's up to now.

I have meetings on a Friday. It's normal for our group. I think you need to talk to him

Perhaps he finds it claustrophobic at home because you are working from home that day so he wants to be out of the house but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you.

If he IS going into the office to avoid me/have his own space, I find that really odd as when I WFH I am in my office with my door closed for nearly 8 hours a day. I may break once to run and grab some shopping but I generally have no time to interact with him. I also work from home on Mondays and quite often Tuesdays and he's often around them. If anything, he is the one popping into my office to see me (he works in our bedroom). Our house is big enough to not annoy each other or be in each other's space.

As I said, he usually goes every Friday morning, in and out of term time. It's definitely not linked to teaching. My gut is there is someone he wants to see but it may or may not be innocent. Another thought that occurred to me months ago was that perhaps it was a regular meeting and lunch with a colleague? It's just that he will typically always find a reason to go in. Sometimes, he will say, actually I won't bother.

Does he take special are of his appearance when he goes in on Friday morning

Really really bored bored bored now. You either want to know and need advice or encouragement on how to do that. Or you don't. Seems you don't. Bye

I've read all your posts OP but not all the others so this has probably been suggested.

Could he be having therapy or something similar? I currently travel to a different city to see a therapist I've used in the past. As far as my DP is concerned it's a work meeting

I was undecided about it all until I got to your post where for no reason at all, he comes home in different clothes. Just randomly.

This is beyond odd. You'd do this every day (as a cyclist for example) or essentially never. Not a few random times each month.

I would find my DP going into work unshowered bad enough.....going into work unshowerd after a night of sleep and sex in the morning?! That's just gross

If he changes in work but not on a Friday that also seems strange (unless he lectures a practical subject where he can get his clothes exceptionally dirty)

Noone is asking for your input. Feel free to leave given that you find the topic and question so boring. Hope you never have any troubles or anxiety about anything.

Only a clean shirt or different jumper and only happened twice.