If he had ‘done the work’ and realised why he thought it was acceptable to cheat on his wife (break his own vows, disrespect himself, think it was acceptable to lie and sneak about). Then he would not be vague and annoyed and evasive.
His inability to empathise with his wife (who was cheated on previously) shows he hasn’t done the work to make himself a safe partner.
He knows it is bothering her. He knows why it’s bothering her (because he is a man who lies and breaks his own vows - his words are meaningless). He values his wants over his wife’s need for security and yet again he is doing this. His want to not talk about it over her need to feel secure in their marriage.
This is why I couldn’t date someone who had cheated on his wife. They are usually incapable of doing the work. Instead they say ‘we never had sex’ or ‘we were over anyway’ or ‘we were like room mates’ or ‘I don’t know how it happened it’s so out of character’ etc etc. If he blames his ex or his old marriage for him breaking his own vows he’s not a good partner. How can a marriage cause you to go against your own values - it’s nonsense. Steak every night, blowjob tuesdays and watching footy every Saturday doesn’t increase someone’s loyalty, integrity or honesty. He chose to cheat previously because HE WANTED TO. It wasn’t due to his ex wife not liking his jokes or the planets magically aligning over the OWS bed. He wanted to cheat and he gave himself permission to cheat. He has a BUT in his vows. I believe in monogomy BUT not if my wife and me are going through a rough patch.
He thought it was acceptable in certain situations. Unless he worked out why he gave himself permission and how to cope better in the future how does he know he won’t do it again. Saying I won’t cheat isn’t enough - he did that via a vow the first time round.
Op you need to decide if this man is who you want to spend your life with. I would look at his other characteristics. Does he lie about other things? Do his spoken values align with his actions? What work did he do post divorce?
He won’t give you a straight answer if you ask him. So you need to decide if you can live this way. I’d do some thinking and make sure you are in a position that you can leave if you chose to.
If I willingly chose to marry someone who had been cheated on, knowing their personality and fears. I (as someone who hasn’t cheated on their spouse) would FULLY understand this posters worries and I would do my best to appease her. Yes it would be annoying but assuming I love my spouse I’d do it for them. As I have nothing to hide.
Assuming I hadn’t married a paranoid accusatory person I would want my spouse to be okay.
He should be even more aware (if he’s done the work - which I doubt he has) and he would understand his previous actions have not helped his spouse worries.