Online dating: Guys Just Want Casual Sex

[Findinlovee]

I’m 39 and struggling to go on dates with men who are looking for a relationship.

The vast majority of men who like my profile and try to message me are men who ‘aren’t sure’ or looking for ‘casual.’ I’m on Hinge and Bumble. I’ve went on a few dates with a few men last year, and even though they claimed to want a relationship, it soon became clear they wanted something casual.

Is it my age that’s the problem? Where can I try to meet more serious minded men?

Funnily enough I had better luck on tinder in general. Bumble I found they were often passive af. It was like trying to draw blood from a stone conversing with them. I think as it's a sote where women have to talk first, a lot of men on it want to be chased, they're just interested in the ego boost or a quick shag.

I think there's a wider range of people on tinder.
And hopefully a wider range of what they want too. Certainly been my experience anyway.

Other things you can do imo are make sure there's not too much skin on display in your profile pics. And block anyone the second they me turn anything sexual. Even if its a throwaway comment. Meet people for daytime dates only (people wanting sex generally want to do drinks in the evening for dates). Do not let them know where you live (eg: pick you up at your house).

It's mostly luck of the draw unfortunately. Just keep on the ball until a decent one shows up. Take breaks when it frustrates you. Couple of weeks on, meet as many ppl over that as possible, then stop for a month if they don't pan out.

Wow great advice I’m glad I posted Pinkbonbon I always thought tinder was a hook up site ?

A guy I dated last year for 6 months lied about wanting a relationship and led me on for so long. I learnt later that he picks up a few woman every few months. It’s dented my trust to be honest - I’m very cautious about who I date but these men are manipulative and would say anything for a shag.

Tell them you don't put out till at least 10 dates in or something like that as you want a serious relationship not just a sexual relationship. I've found when I say that I get ghosted by most men as if they just want to use you for sec it's too much work lol

😂 Pinkbonbon haha I may try that
do you go on any dates at all?

Delay having sex with them like the 10 dates suggestion and no more than 2 dates a week.
I know there are stories of having sex within half an hour of meeting them and then you get married happily ever after but those stories are very rare and if you have tried sex after a couple of dates, push it longer. You will know if there is sexual chemistry long before you have sex and from kissing them. I would delay kissing as well for 2nd or 3rd date.

The problem is I’m not getting any dates cos I screen and they’re all obviously looking for sex

So how do I meet serious men? Do they not exist anymore?

I used OLD when I was your age.
I think it is an issue with the dating scene. If men are looking for a serious relationship, have a good personality, decent income and decent health, they are unlikely to stay on the dating scene very long.
Equally, the men that stay on the dating scene are either not looking for a long term relationship or have something missing out of: good personality, decent income and decent health.

Why are men on dating apps so passive?

I had to ghost someone I had been chatting to daily for 2 weeks because he wouldn’t suggest a date. It was just the same boring chat every day. FFS, let’s grab a coffee and see if we click instead of wasting our lives with the ‘how was your day?’ nonsense.

It isn't you. There's a global shortage of good men.

At 39 you're probably getting one of four types of men:

1- Perma-single because there's something wrong with them (incels etc).

2- Single because they're divorced, cheated, many failed relationships, an army of single mums in their past.

3- Single by choice... 'just looking for a good time' but sill use lines like 'I just haven't found the right one'.

4- Unfortunately single... widowers, genuinely unlucky guys.

I'd say it's 33% each for the first three and then that rare 1% for number 4.

Honestly, it's probably just as unfortunate for men at this age that are serious though... by this age they've often been so abused by the bad men, they'll never open themselves up when a good one comes along.

Having the same problem here too OP so I know how you feel. It's rough out there.

A lot of men in this age bracket are freshly divorced/separated so emotionally unavailable or just looking for a shag, or both. I think the genuinely lovely decent ones are either not on apps or are on them for about 6 minutes before they get snapped up.

It is my guess too, as a man dating at that age.
I think there were women who had only known useless men (and places like MN suggest that is normal) and they tend not to want to date.
The others are the ones who think men have a duty to take care of them, who do date and hang around on the dating scene.
As a man, counter intuitively, I found better women on the casual sex scene, as they were single through genuinely bad experiences.

It is your age as many people have commented. Anyone looking to settle down would be trying to date someone aged 35 or under so you are left with players or those out of long term relationships looking for casual sex or people who are unsuitable for relationship or have been unlucky in terms of life/career/stable income etc. You just have to be extremely lucky as there are people who have commented under other threads that they have met their DP on OLD at this age. There are so many single women at that age - roughly 30%- according to statistics and so the few men looking for relationships have incredible choice and often they prefer to multi date or simply move to the next person. Last person I dated was dating four other women on a regular/long term basis when I decided to take myself out of the equitation after a few months.

Thanks occhiazzurri any tips?

My friends and I have resigned ourselves to being single forever, having been in this position since 35+, and now in our 40s. But people have met their DP at work/through networking/park runs/climbing gyms/cycling or hiking groups/at festivals/in pubs/bars/on planes so you could read through the various threads on here for ideas. Good luck!

The majority of guys are not even getting a single match or date when it comes to online dating. Its a small percentage of men that have so many options and because of this bounce from one women to another due to the huge surplus of women that want them. My advice is to be open minded. A man does not need to be tall, white or blue eyed - excluding these type should get you more dates with men that are less likely to want something casual.

Most women OLD are going after the same men, so those men enjoy themselves.

I disagree
I think most men are spoilt for choice now

Possibilities -

• The majority of men on apps are in relationships, so it could be that. A relationship would just use up far too much of their time and it would make their other half suspicious. They do want to have their cake & eat it after all.
• For some reason you're meeting a lot of Peter Pans who don't want to settle with anyone
• You might be meeting picky men, and saying they just want something casual is a way for them to do that. When they decide you're not for them on a date - the chemistry wasn't quite right, your pics don't reflect what you really look like, or some other reason, they declare that they weren't really looking for anything serious anyway hoping you won't place many demands on them.....but giving you just enough in case you do want to continue having sex with them at their leisure.

I think I might be almost a hate figure on here. I was a divorcee, and had fun dating lots of younger women.
I tried dating my own age, but I was too short for many (179cm), this is despite being in very good shape, good looking and earning very good money. The ones that had any interest were the ones looking to have a man pay for them and their kids (understandably) and thought I was lucky to be considered.

You will be seeing their male equivalents generally, men unable to get a partner and who feel they need to have one. Attractive people looking for a long term relationship are not going to stay single as long.

I had to change what I was open to and that meant changing the age range to not just be my own age. It made a huge difference.

I find uk free dating a little better but still very cautious.
Bugs me how their just put some much effort into trying get into your underwear when if they tried to put a similar amount of effort into being reasonable and kind they’d probably reach their intended destination a darn sight quicker !

And height liars ? What the heck is that all about!! I mean how on earth are they thinking their going to get away with that one ?

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what age you are, OLD just seems full of men claiming to want a relationship but really just after sex. I’m 55 and it’s exactly the same in my age group. Men who have seen far better days thinking they’re charmers when they just come across as sleazy.

@Angela59 - with you on the height thing. I meet a guy who said he was 6ft but as probably 5’9 then proceeded to tell me I must have my height wrong not him ffs

5ft 9in and 6ft ?

yeah easy mistake to make I suppose. Struth!!

Another one! Fantasists !!!
They message you with all sorts!
Could I be their mum, dominate them, do unmentionable things with sex toys!
in the second message?!!!!

it’s a regular dating site not whips&chains.com!

After months of time on dating sites and probably a hundred dates I’ve probably met about half a dozen reasonable guys and none I wished to get intimate with!

apart from one maybe lol

They lie about age and height because they don't care what the woman wants or think they know what she needs better than her.
Maybe they are so arrogant and entitled they think you will change your mind for them. Once they get their 'foot in the door' they think you'll be so impressed you won't care.

Men often pull the weight card of women on dating sites downplaying their actual physique type and weight when they are questioned over fudging their height.