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Original poster

Online dating: Guys Just Want Casual Sex

140 replies

Findinlovee · 11/01/2024 17:32

I’m 39 and struggling to go on dates with men who are looking for a relationship.

The vast majority of men who like my profile and try to message me are men who ‘aren’t sure’ or looking for ‘casual.’ I’m on Hinge and Bumble. I’ve went on a few dates with a few men last year, and even though they claimed to want a relationship, it soon became clear they wanted something casual.

Is it my age that’s the problem? Where can I try to meet more serious minded men?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 13/12/2024 15:19

SnugCoralFinch · 13/12/2024 13:41

Tinder isn’t any more of a hook up site than the others, and most have multiple accounts across various apps anyway.

I’m 34 been single 5 years, I use bumble and tinder sporadically but I’ve not met anyone I want to pursue anything with.

The amount of genuine men who aren’t hung on their ex, not looking for random sex or without commitment issues/avoidance is low across all age groups tbh.

I’m 50+ and I agree.

My experience is men my age fall into 3 camps

1 - looking for ‘intimacy without commitment’ as the apps now call NSA sex

2 - want a nurse with a purse to cook, clean and wipe their arse.

3 - are charging women 10/15/20 years their junior. Hence attractive, intelligent, independent women in their 50’s are constantly messaged by men in their 70’s.

I’ve experienced most of the issues others refer to on here most commonly the out of date photos and the lying about height.

It’s been a waste of time for me, I’d rather stay single than wade through the swamp

BeenThere101 · 13/12/2024 16:01

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ElleintheWoods · 13/12/2024 16:19

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It can be, and it can also be nice if you meet in a non-dating context and the passion really builds up until you both actually go for it…

However sometimes you just want pure passion and sex too.

I feel like I get men to a point where they really care for me, and genuinely when I need anything, there is a bunch of guys that will go out of their way to help me or be a shoulder to cry on. However when the emotional connection and trust is there, guys seem to start doubting themselves in terms of acting on their wants.

I’ve had ‘I knew I was potentially moving away and didn’t want to let you down’ and ‘I’m not 100% sure how I feel about a long-term relationship and I don’t want to lose you as a friend, we get on so well’ 🤦‍♀️

And this is guys I’ve known for weeks/ months and that have acted like they really fancy me, not long-term friends.

I know the hump-and-dump guys exist somewhere but suppose I just spot them a mile off? Sometimes I do wish someone would just try to sleep with me as opposed to the above.

Christl78 · 13/12/2024 16:31

Findinlovee · 11/01/2024 17:32

I’m 39 and struggling to go on dates with men who are looking for a relationship.

The vast majority of men who like my profile and try to message me are men who ‘aren’t sure’ or looking for ‘casual.’ I’m on Hinge and Bumble. I’ve went on a few dates with a few men last year, and even though they claimed to want a relationship, it soon became clear they wanted something casual.

Is it my age that’s the problem? Where can I try to meet more serious minded men?

Try Tinder. Contrary to popular belief it is not only for casual.
Pick the option “Looking for long term partner” for you and only interact with men who:

  1. have also the option “Long term partner”
  2. have a bio and normal pictures
  3. are responsive to texts and agree on a date within a week or 10 days.

When you find someone you like DO NOT have sex for three weeks. Delay it. By then most players/fuck boys will have given up and probably found someone else for sex on Tinder. Believe me they can find it easily. There is a lot of offer.

SnugCoralFinch · 13/12/2024 19:30

TwistedWonder · 13/12/2024 15:19

I’m 50+ and I agree.

My experience is men my age fall into 3 camps

1 - looking for ‘intimacy without commitment’ as the apps now call NSA sex

2 - want a nurse with a purse to cook, clean and wipe their arse.

3 - are charging women 10/15/20 years their junior. Hence attractive, intelligent, independent women in their 50’s are constantly messaged by men in their 70’s.

I’ve experienced most of the issues others refer to on here most commonly the out of date photos and the lying about height.

It’s been a waste of time for me, I’d rather stay single than wade through the swamp

Show quote history

Number 3 - I regularly got messages from men 15-25 years older than me on sites where anyone could message. So this doesn’t surprise me at all.

I’ve also had the lying about height stuff 🙄🥱 it’s all just so tedious. Massive waste of time for me too tbh, I do sometimes feel it’s a shame to give up on it at all at only 34 but I feel single is infinitely better than the alternative 😬

SnugCoralFinch · 13/12/2024 19:35

ElleintheWoods · 13/12/2024 14:51

This:
The amount of genuine men who aren’t hung on their ex, not looking for random sex or without commitment issues/avoidance is low across all age groups tbh.

And I’m not saying it’s any different for women. I probably have commitment issues and hence I turn feasible nice eager guys away and pursue tricky ones with commitment issues.

Some people are really obsessed with relationships and really cling on to them. I’m not saying it as a negative but people who are super focused on relationships and family are more likely to be in one. People who are more independent/ perfectionist/ set in their ways probably struggle a bit settling in a relationship. The more I speak to men who are single the more I notice the above 3 groups.

My male friends are lovely but the ones who are single fall into those 3 groups. I also notice that many highly intelligent people that question social norms are single, for example

Show quote history

I’m definitely very independent, and comfortable being single - also I’m done at the very first sign of any kind of situation which is potentially going to cause me hassle 😂 I just can’t be bothered tbh.

I see a partner as a nice added extra alongside my already pretty ok life, not the be all and end all. Also the filtering needed for successful online dating is itself time consuming and often depressing 🤣

TadBitSpicy · 13/12/2024 20:08

ElleintheWoods · 13/12/2024 13:37

Dunno, I talk about sports and world affairs a lot? 😂 And ask them questions about everything but relationships and sex.

I do however have a good amount of people admit to me after some time that they’ve always been sexually attracted to me so maybe there’s some hope for me? 🙈 If your hypothesis is true of course!

Show quote history

Well, these are topics men generally or on an average find as discussion with their bros. May be that could be a reason😃

My advice? As much as these areas might be your forte and you should almost always put your strong foot forward, you could tap into less weighty discussions that could be a common ground for all like music, movies etc.

Ps: love me a lady I could talk sports with but doesn’t see exude masculine energy.

Baddaybigcloud · 13/12/2024 20:15

It’s the late 30s/early 40s men want to date mid to late 20s. Too much baggage (children) or a very broody late 30s woman is too much hassle for many…

SnugCoralFinch · 13/12/2024 20:27

TadBitSpicy · 13/12/2024 20:08

Well, these are topics men generally or on an average find as discussion with their bros. May be that could be a reason😃

My advice? As much as these areas might be your forte and you should almost always put your strong foot forward, you could tap into less weighty discussions that could be a common ground for all like music, movies etc.

Ps: love me a lady I could talk sports with but doesn’t see exude masculine energy.

Show quote history

What’s masculine energy?

shuggles · 14/12/2024 00:47

@Findinlovee Wow great advice I’m glad I posted Pinkbonbon I always thought tinder was a hook up site ?

Nope. That's a marketing gimmick to try to get more people to download the app.

It's not possible to use Tinder as a "hook up" app as the overwhelming majority of women are not using the app for that purpose.

shuggles · 14/12/2024 00:50

@Christl78 When you find someone you like DO NOT have sex for three weeks. Delay it.

3 weeks isn't exactly a "delay."

That's like saying you've been on a diet because you didn't eat anything between 1pm and 3pm.

Christl78 · 14/12/2024 16:20

shuggles · 14/12/2024 00:50

@Christl78 When you find someone you like DO NOT have sex for three weeks. Delay it.

3 weeks isn't exactly a "delay."

That's like saying you've been on a diet because you didn't eat anything between 1pm and 3pm.

It’s enough for a player to get bored and wander off. Usually within this time span they will have found someone else.

itsChristmasx · 14/12/2024 16:41

I understand where your coming from as had this issue.
Fortunately after multiple liars and weirdos, I met my partner online and been together 5 years. We slept together on the 2nd date and I was very casual in my attitude by then as I never expected it to be a relationship until he asked.
My advice is be who you are and be upfront when you feel you need to, limit drinking dates and do activity date or coffee and a walk?
I took breaks when I needed to and when I rejoined I tried to stay positive and not see it as a chore
I showed skin on a going out photo, some men act like they've never seen a woman's body before... they ruin it for the normal guys that can appreciate a tasteful picture but know how to be a respectful adult!
Hope you match with a nice guy soon, they are on there :)

shuggles · 14/12/2024 19:32

Christl78 · 14/12/2024 16:20

It’s enough for a player to get bored and wander off. Usually within this time span they will have found someone else.

Show quote history

What is a "player"? I seriously doubt that a man would find two different women to date within the span of 3 weeks, unless he looks like a celebrity.

PeteWicksJockstrap · 14/12/2024 19:34

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shuggles · 14/12/2024 19:40

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I don't know what patter is, but the data shows that the overwhelming majority of men receive very few matches on dating apps, and only a small proportion of those matches actually manifest as dates.

Again, maybe if he looks like a celebrity, but for Joe-average the woman he goes on a date with might be the only date he has for a year or two. There are men who may get bored after 3 weeks, but he will be going home to watch TV, not to see anyone else.

PeteWicksJockstrap · 14/12/2024 19:42

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shuggles · 14/12/2024 19:47

@PeteWicksJockstrap You know that only a fraction of 1% of men are as handsome as Pete Wicks, right?

PeteWicksJockstrap · 14/12/2024 19:49

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shuggles · 14/12/2024 19:53

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Yes, the overwhelming majority of men aren't a 7 out of 10 to begin with, and don't have good talk or humour. That's my point.

SnugCoralFinch · 15/12/2024 13:44

shuggles · 14/12/2024 19:53

Yes, the overwhelming majority of men aren't a 7 out of 10 to begin with, and don't have good talk or humour. That's my point.

Show quote history

But neither are most women

are you saying that average looking women are only aiming for men who look like celebrities?

thecrispfiend · 15/12/2024 14:01

Just throwing this out there - have you tried Facebook dating ? It's free and what I liked about it is that people who are not actually single are less likely to go on it as friends of friends who are also single will see them on there and they will be caught out. I'm a 42 year old single mum, made an account at the start of Sept actually chatted to some really decent men and within 3 weeks had met a lovely guy and we are now a couple 🥰 good luck xx

shuggles · 15/12/2024 14:17

@SnugCoralFinch But neither are most women

Incorrect. The majority of women have an attractive appearance.

are you saying that average looking women are only aiming for men who look like celebrities?

I didn't say that. I said average men on dating apps will receive very few matches and even fewer dates. Again, the data demonstrates this. The only men who will have lots of matches and lots of offers for dates are men who are extremely attractive.

Christl78 · 15/12/2024 16:47

shuggles · 15/12/2024 14:17

@SnugCoralFinch But neither are most women

Incorrect. The majority of women have an attractive appearance.

are you saying that average looking women are only aiming for men who look like celebrities?

I didn't say that. I said average men on dating apps will receive very few matches and even fewer dates. Again, the data demonstrates this. The only men who will have lots of matches and lots of offers for dates are men who are extremely attractive.

I think all men and women are very attractive to someone. Tastes and personal preferences vary. Someone who is gorgeous for me may be average for you. Same goes for us. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
My experience is different. I think that men find sex too easily now, while demands on them have increased. As a result they are less likely to commit to a relationship. Same goes for women of course.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 15/12/2024 17:09

Baddaybigcloud · 13/12/2024 20:15

It’s the late 30s/early 40s men want to date mid to late 20s. Too much baggage (children) or a very broody late 30s woman is too much hassle for many…

What makes them think a woman in her 20's would want them - unless they have loads of money or something... I certainly wouldn't have wanted to date a make 10/20 years older in my 20's.